LoTR: Return of the King (2003)

The reason Return of the King is one of my favorite movies is that it is the culmination (CULMINATION!) of the greatest film trilogy known to man (sit down, George Lucas!). I saw this movie in the theaters and I wept during the final credits...wept like Leonardo DiCaprio after yet another Oscar snub, and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Individually, the three movies in the LotR trilogy are excellent movies, but, together, they make Baby Jesus weep tears of joy at their perfection. Watch the entire series back-to back-to back and you will know exactly what I'm talking about (as long as you have an extra 27 hours at your disposal).

With that in mind, I'm going to mock the movie because that's what I usually do, but please know that I do so with love...nothing but love. Soooooo...

...how much of a pussy is Frodo? Honestly? My favorite moment of the entire movie is when Sam has to LITERALLY carry the entire quest on his shoulders like he's metaphorically been doing since the dissolution of the Fellowship. I remember as a young lad reading about Frodo's "death" at the hands of the spider with the name of a black woman from Brooklyn and actually CHEERING. Then, of course, we learn that Frodo is not actually dead, and I cannot even describe my disappointment. I've never felt disappointment after learning that someone is still alive, but I did when I discovered that Frodo was just useless and not DOA.

The only problem I have with the EPIC battle scenes in the last two movies is that they all end the exact same way: with a MIRACULOUS late arrival of some ally force that turns the tide of the battle. I get the whole "no matter what the odds are good will overcome evil if they have the strength to persevere" thing, but, seriously. c'mon! The Battle of Helm's Deep ends with the MIRACULOUS arrival of Gandalf and his Rohan Riders. The Battle of Minas Tirith includes two MIRACULOUS arrivals with the Rohan army's arrival and then, when that goes to shit, Aragorn shows up with his ghost army (which is kind of ridiculous and a bit too deus ex machina). Oh, and let's not forget the MIRACULOUS arrival of the eagles (who didn't do shit the entire War of the Ring) when Frodo and Sam are about to take a nice, hot lava bath.

The thing most people ignore about the books and film is that Tolkien is a hardcore racist. All the people fighting the Dark Lord are straight-up white folk (the elves are, like, the whitest of white people) and then all the allies of Sauron are black or Middle Eastern. They're even referred to as corrupt men from "The East." Tolkien could have served as George W. Bush's Secretary of Propaganda. The message is clear: In Middle Earth, if you ain't white, you ain't right.

In spite of all that and anything else one can say about the movie, that final scene were Frodo, Gandalf, and the elves leave Middle Earth to go to Elf Heaven (or whatever the hell it is) is absolute cinematic perfection. As the boat disappears into the vanilla sky, you can't help but recognize you're not only saying good-bye to some of the most beloved characters in literature (and Frodo) but also the single greatest cinematic fantasy epic known to man, elves, or dwarves.

Why It's Awesome: A midget and his gay lover topple the Lord of Darkness. Is there a better underdog story in literature or cinema (besides Rocky)?

Best Quote:

Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you, you bitch!

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

If Frodo is the lamest, weakest protagonist in literature, Sauron matches his lameness as the main antagonist. Saruman does all the heavy lifting in the first two movies until his defeat at the end of the second film of the trilogy while Sauron does nothing but LOOK AT STUFF! He never even regains physical form. The most evil thing he actually does throughout all three movies is blink.

The story splits into three narratives here. There's the Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent, The Frodo/Sam/Gollum tangent, and then the main action involves the trio of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli trying to defend Rohan from Saruman's Urak-hai army.

The Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent is boring as shit until the trees get all pissed off and kick the holy hell out of Saruman and Isengard, which Saruman in all his infinite wisdom left totally unguarded. The tangent does develop the theme of nature vs. industry that is prevalent throughout the trilogy. Tolkien served in the first World War, the last war where horses were used and the tank made its debut in warfare. It's obvious which side of the argument he was on. While the ogres make use of the fires of industry to fuel their war machine, Treebeard and his Ent army come and stomp all over it using wood and water.

The most exciting tangent is Isengard's invasion of Rohan that culminates in the Battle of Helm's Deep. Best name in the entire series: Grima Wormtongue. Man is that guy creepy! The movie is all about the final Battle of Helm's Deep, a battle that is fairly insignificant in the novel, but it's the main event of the second film. It's siege warfare at its finest with the humans barricaded behind the walls of Helm's Deep while tens of thousands of Urak-hai attempt to destroy the human population. Really the huge disadvantage the humans have in terms of numbers doesn't seem to matter because Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli seem to be in GOD MODE. Do these guys even get a scratch? Anyways, it's still badass. Only nine total humans survive until Gandalf miraculously returns to save the day.

The final tangent involves the bromance of Frodo and Sam being invaded by the walking baby fetus, Gollum. Wow. How great a job does Andy Serkis do in this? How was he not nominated for an Oscar? Of course, this is the WORST story tangent. Frodo succeeds at doing exactly one thing in this movie: getting captured. Man does he suck. It is entertaining to watch the Sam/Gollum rivalry escalate as they battle for Frodo's affection. So gay...

Storyline-wise, this is the worst of the trio, but action-wise, it's easily the best. It sends Saruman packing and sets up the final War of the Ring as Frodo stumbles and whines his way toward Mt. Doom.

Why It's Awesome:

How satisfying is it to watch TREES kick someone's ass? Almost as satisfying as watching Aragorn and Gimli dive off a ladder into THOUSANDS of Urak-hai and survive. God Mode engaged!

Best Quote (the now legendary):

Gollum: My precious...

The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Here's some advice: if you have something really, really important that needs to get done, don't put the weakest, lamest, and overall most pathetic member of your posse in charge of doing it.

The Lord of the Rings represents the ultimate road trip AND underdog story ever told. It was often considered one of those unfilmable stories because of its epic stature and scope, but Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting Tolkien's trilogy into three quality films. Are they perfect reflections of the books? No, but they shouldn't be. Books and movies are two different beasts. Just watch Hunger Games if you want to see what happens when a movie tries to be a direct reflection of its source material (hint: it sucks).

The Fellowship is my least favorite of the trilogy, but it's still an excellent movie. The main problem with the first installment is that there's just too damn much exposition required to even get the story rolling. Really, the story doesn't start until the fellowship is formed in Rivendell and that doesn't happen until an hour and a half into the extended version! Not only do we need to know the history of The One Ring, but we also need a synopsis of the events from The Hobbit before we can step foot outside the Shire. That's a ton of bullshit.

Although the large battle scenes are reserved for the latter two films, there are still some truly legendary action set pieces in The Fellowship. The whole Moria sequence is amazing with the battle against the cave troll and then the escape from the badass Balrog. And even though you know Gandalf is going to show up later, that moment when he scrambles to get back up on the bridge, accepts his fate, says, "Fly, you fools!" and then falls into the abyss packs an emotional punch especially with the music and the slow motion and the acting...all house.

When you take a look at the actual Fellowship, it's a hodge-podge of awesomeness with one minor exception:

Gandalf: wizard badass
Aragorn: Ranger badass
Boromir: slightly-misguided badass
Legolas: elven badass
Gimli: dwarven badass
Sam: most loyal mother fucker in the Shire
Merry and Pippin: humorous gay hobbit couple
Frodo: whiny douche

And out of the nine (five of which could fit into a child's car seat), who do they entrust the ring to? THE WHINY DOUCHE! Frodo is the WORST member of the Fellowship! During the course of the first movie, he gets skewered TWICE (once by the cave troll and the other by the Witch King), gets infected by Nazgul AIDS, has to get rescued by Liv Tyler (shameful...), and then ABANDONS the entire group. HE SUCKS!

And don't tell me he's the only one who won't become corrupted by The Ring because guess what? HE DOES! All they had to do was shove The Ring into an envelop, hand it to Gandalf or Aragorn, and have them truck it to Mt. Doom. Gandalf isn't effected by The Ring when it's in the envelop earlier in the movie so the whole "whiny douche" hurdle could have been avoided.

Of course, then we wouldn't have two more movies to enjoy and 47 more hours of Middle Earth drama to enjoy. ONWARD!

Why It's Awesome:

My favorite member of The Fellowship is Boromir (the only member NOT to make it through the first movie). The only thing that eases my pain at Boromir's loss is that he goes out LIKE A BOSS! Three arrows in him and he still kicks Uruk-hai ass. That's hardcore.

Best Quote:

Saruman:Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man-flesh. 

Saruman:

There and Back Again

In honor of this month's release of the first of The Hobbit trilogy, I'm setting off for Mordor and watching all 97 hours of the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. These three movies represent the greatest trilogy in film history (Star Wars geeks can say what they want, but that craptastic prequel trilogy tainted the original trilogy...hopefully The Hobbit prequel trilogy won't do the same for LotR).

So get ready to join the fellowship and truck around Middle Earth with Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, and the living abortion creature, Gollum, as we slog from The Shire to Mount Doom using nothing but our disgustingly hairy feet.

ONWARD!

Bernie (2011)

I always enjoy a movie that surprises me...pleasantly.

The mockumentary, Bernie, was a surprisingly enjoyable movie. I wasn't sure what to expect going in, but it was both interesting and entertaining. Certainly we all know Jack Black's usual zany hijinks, but he was absolutely perfect in this role with more homosexuality and less zane. The whole thing is based on the true story of Bernie Tiede, a popular and obviously homosexual mortician, who befriends a wealthy, bitchy widow who he ends up murdering after tiring of her bullshit. He goes on trial, but he's so beloved by the townspeople that they push for his release...even though he's guilty as hell.

The cast is small but fantastic. Jack Black is great in the lead - sympathetic with a hint of sleaze. Then you have Shirley MacLaine coming out of retirement to play the bitchiest bitch of all film bitches. I wanted to kill that bitch way before Bernie finally pulled the trigger. Then you've got the always excellent Matthew McConaughey playing a southern lawyer...he's hilarious. The best part of this movie, though, is that members of the actual town where Bernie lived have talking head roles in the movie. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey's mom is in the movie, too. How do you beat that?

The movie is basically a documentary with reenactments of the larger events of the drama being performed by the actual actors. The movie is an exploration of morality and how perhaps one immoral act shouldn't tarnish a person's lifetime of kindness. Of course, the law is more than happy to judge a person based on a single act which is probably why Bernie is serving a life sentence instead of gaying it up all over Texas.

In conclusion, this is one of those movies that a cinephile has to watch every once in a while. In the midst of all the blockbusters and CGI liquid dumps, every now and then you simply need to watch a movie that is subtle and tells a human tale to remind you what it's like to be a human being on planet Earth. That's Bernie.

Why It's Surprisingly Awesome:

Jack Black is in a movie that isn't stupidly funny. That's pretty awesome right there.

Best Quote:

Crazy Church Lady: I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.

Red Dawn (1984)

In honor of the rapedown the original Red Dawn is taking this weekend at the box office via its truly awful modern remake, I'm reposting my Red Dawn review.

Hollywood should just give up on these 80s remakes. The 80s was a magical time when everyone was on coke and had perms and its glory can never be recaptured...EVER! The reason the original worked was because, at the time, Russia invading the United States was at least a possibility. Unfortunately for the remake, no one believes the NORTH KOREANS could ever successfully invade the United States. I am more afraid of Canada invading than North Korea. Why didn't they just keep the Chinese as the invaders? China is the only country in the world capable of a successful invasion of the United States. North Korea...PLEASE!

Here's the original review:
World War III has broken out and the Communist forces land and attack the most dangerous strategic American stronghold they can find...a redneck high school. The movie is infamous for being the first PG-13 movie in cinematic history and it earns that rating...with a vengeance! Within the first five minutes of the film, the Communists shoot up a school, kill a black teacher, and shoot up a bunch of 80's cars. They're totally badass! And apparently, nearly half of their arsenal is RPG's. I'm telling you, these Commies fire RPG after RPG after RPG and then the Wolverines steal their weapons and THEY'RE firing RPG after RPG after RPG. Nothing but kickass explosions for two hours...80'S STYLE!!!

And then, with the Communists in complete control, the only people who can fight back for America are...a bunch of redneck high school kids. And here's where the movie fully surrenders itself to the ridiculous. This group of teens, which, granted, contains Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Jeanie Bueller, and Lea "I fucked a Duck" Thomson, totally pwn the entire communist army. Why do these guys who successfully invade the United States suck so terribly at fighting that they can't even eradicate a couple of teenagers? The Wolverines don't suffer a single casualty until almost halfway through the movie.

And that's why this movie is the most ridiculous piece of Pro American propaganda bullshit ever. I'm sure Reagan was the executive producer of this thing. Basically this movie's message is that even if the communists SOMEHOW would have successfully invaded America, the American people would rise up and defeat the evil invaders.

Well, let me tell you, I hope in the remake the Chinese invade and, like real Americans, the Wolverines just sit on their ass and do jack shit because that's exactly what would happen. If we were invaded, America would not rise up and defeat its invaders. No, instead, it would roll over and die like an old dog welcoming death. America has no fight left in it. We our a 500 obese man watching Jerry Springer on the sofa. That's America in the New Millennium.

WOLVERINES!!!
Why It's Awesome: Shit blows up nearly every 30 seconds.

Best Line:
Colonol: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid.
Robert: It keeps me warm.

30 Days of Night (2007)

In honor of the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part II, the movie franchise that ruined vampire movies and turned one of cinema's most terrifying creatures into pussified pansies, I'm reviewing one of the few films in the past decade to portray vampires at the truly badass creatures of the night they are meant to be...30 Days of Night!

Based on the graphic novel, the premise for the movie is brilliant. Vampires invade Borrow, Alaska during the month the town will be without sun for a 30-day all-you-can-eat buffet. So not only does this movie have the usual horror movie thrills , but it also has a groovy Ann Frank vibe to it as the survivors try to outlast the horde of vampires for 30 days.

Oh, and the vampires? They are BADASS! These mother fuckers aren't glittering in the sunlight like a bunch of pansies. No, these are straight-up predators. Fuck fangs! These vampires have a mouth full of shark teeth! Do they have to ask permission to enter your house? Nah. They'll just break in, murder your entire family, and skewer you with a hot fireplace poker. They're constantly covered in blood and they hunt in packs and leap on people like rapid wolves and tear out people's throats and speak gibberish that no one understands! It's awesome!

The vampires are so hardcore I can even overlook the fact that Josh "Pearl Harbor" Hartnett is the lead. Most of the cast is nothing but blood donors, but they're serviceable. The movie is dark and avoids many of the usual horror movie cliches. The violence is brutal and bloody, there are no funny quips or one-liners, and the movie relies more on atmosphere than cheap scares. Oh, and it also wins an award for refusing to cut away during an axe decapitation. They straight up show that shit.

And the ending? It's right up there with The Mist as one of the top endings of the oughts. Here's the scenario: Josh Hartnett's estranged wife and some kid who shows up out of nowhere are trapped under a car while the entire town burns all around them and the vampires celebrate their total ass rapage of the town. They're either going to burn to death or get their asses drained of blood...unless Pearl Harbor boy does something. So he actually INFECTS HIMSELF WITH VAMPIRE BLOOD so he can fight the head vamp, Marlow, all jacked up on vampire blood. So Josh and Marlow duke it out until Josh PUNCHES THROUGH THE DUDE'S SKULL! So awesome. Then the final scene of the movie is Josh's face burning off as the sun rises on the horizon.

Now that's how you end a fucking movie!

Why It's Awesome:

This is what vampires should be: brutal, blood-thirsty, and obviously Eastern European. FUCK TWILIGHT!

Best Quote:

Marlow: When man meets a force he can't destroy, he destroys himself. What a plague you are.

Monkey Shines (1988)

If you only watch one evil helper monkey/quadriplegic love story make it...MONKEY SHINES!

Seriously, this is an awesomely bad movie. I saw it for the first time in college on the Syfy Channel and instantly fell in love. It's directed by George Romero (of Night of the Living Dead fame), and it's a horror film about a genetically-altered helper monkey who falls in love with her owner and murders anyone she sees as a threat to their love. Yeah...that's a movie.

The movie opens with this athletic douche who you hate from the opening scene because the first thing he does is cover his hot girlfriend's naked arse. So you totally want this dude to get hit by a truck and get paralyzed and that's EXACTLY what happens. Since he's all quadriplegic and shit he needs a helper monkey to hold his dong while he pisses and shake it afterward. Unfortunately, the helper monkey he gets is totally EVIL! This helper monkey and the quad fall in love, but, like any crazy human chick, the helper monkey gets all psycho possessive and starts killing any bitch who looks at her man. She burns down the quad's ex-girlfriend's cabin and electrocutes his mom in the tub with a hair dryer.

Since this is the 80s they had to actually hire a real-life helper monkey to do all this crazy shit. That's the most impressive part of this entire abortion. The stuff that this monkey actually does is INSANE! It's answering the phone and playing mixed tapes, and brushing his teeth...it's crazy! If they remade this movie (which I pray to God they do) the monkey will be CGI and look like shit. That helper monkey actually did all that crazy bullshit!

If this movie should be remembered for anything besides its general awfulness, it should be its epic QUADRIPLEGIC SEX SCENE. That's right, this guy with no working legs or arms bangs this monkey trainer chick. If you're wondering how that's even possible watch the movie and learn. Let's just say she spends a majority of the outing sitting on the guy's face.

Out of all the cheesy horror movies I've reviewed this month, this is easily my favorite. It's a movie that should have never been made, but thank God so many bad decisions were made that made it possible for the world to experience MONKEY SHINES!

Why It's Terribly Awesome:

The first time I saw the movie I only caught the final fifteen minutes. The ending rivals that of Seven and The Sixth Sense in its epicness. And now to ruin it for you: this monkey is about to stab the quad's girlfriend in the eye with a syringe so the quad sweet talks the monkey into climbing up on his shoulder and then totally bites this monkey's jugular and shakes it around like a rabid pittbull! That's how you end a movie!

Best Quote:

Fisher: You're a clinical cunt!

The Lost Boys (1987)

Is there a better 80s horror movie than The Lost Boys?

The answer is no...there is not. This is what vampires looked like in the 80s. Compare these badass vampires to the sopping wet pussy vampires in Twilight and you'll quickly discover why the 80s were the pinnacle of the popcorn flick while today's movies are nothing but tampons clogging up the vagina of cinema. How about that for a metaphor?

In this totally sweet 80s flick two brothers move to the murder capital of the world (surprisingly it isn't Cleveland) off the coast of California. The older brother is recruited by a gang of teenage vampires and turned into a half-vampire so the younger brother has to team up with a pair of badass brothers to win back his brother from the undead!

The 80s are alive and well in this one. You've got the first pairing of the Coreys (Corey Haim and Corey Feldman), dudes with perms, a complaint about not being able to watch MTV, and one of the vampires is even Bill S. Preston from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. EXCELLENT! Oh, and the band playing at the carnival, the jacked-up steroid monkeys with no shirts playing saxophone solos...if you told me to draw a picture of the 80s, I would draw those dudes.

I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking it was just about the greatest thing I had ever seen...and I was right! There was a reason the Coreys were able to bottom out later in life and that reason is because of all the coke they were able to buy from being so goddamn sweet in the 80s! They're hilarious in this movie, especially Corey Haims. The blend of humor and horror is perfectly done. And one can't mention The Lost Boys without mentioning Kiefer Sutherland's role as head(?) vampire, David. He's cool and mysterious and dangerous. He's everything that bitch Edward Cullen WISHES he could be.

The movie may not follow all the vampire rules to the letter, but it kicks so much ass, really, who cares? That final battle with the Emerson/Frog brothers vs. The Lost Boys still gives me chills as the camera zooms in toward the house, and it delivers with a vampire-slaying bloodbath.

Oh, and who can forget grandpa's final line of the movie that basically compares vampires to black people.

Why It's Awesome: The metaphor of being a teenager and trying to fit in in a new town may be obvious, but it's well done. Directing, acting, and effects are all house here, and the writing is serviceable enough to keep the audience entertained until the last vampire is slain.

Best Quote:

Sam: You're a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!

Hellraiser (1987)

Who knew that demons could be kinky, too?

Hellraiser is another cult-favorite horror movie that I had never seen before. My only connection to this movie is that my son is named after the title. I figured it was a typical demon-attacks-humans flick focusing on some dude with nails stuck in his head.

I was wrong.

This movie reminded me a lot of the original Evil Dead. A man and his wife move into an old house and accidentally resurrect the man's brother who escapes from an S&M club in Hell (the brother is also the wife's former lover). The brother comes back as a gross fetus zombie and needs the wife to kill horny businessmen in order to fully resurrect. The S&M demons (including Pinhead, who is never called Pinhead, by the way) want the brother back for more leather-clad spanking so they're not happy about the whole thing.

It's another flick that proves low-budget special effects from the 80s are far superior than big-budget CGI. Brother Frank is absolutely disgusting in his fetus zombie form. He's skinless and bloody and veiny. Then you've got the truly disturbing S&M Cenobites (Pinhead and his kinky BFFs). They're clad in leather with pins and needles sticking out of their faces all totally hardcore and shit. There's even the upside-down hotdog monster that lives in the wall of the hospital that looks pretty creepy.

For some reason there's nothing creepier than a middle-aged crazy chick. Frank must have a ten-lb. cock because Julia is willing to straight-up murder three or four strangers with a hammer for a dude who doesn't even have any skin. You also get a nice view of her naked arse and some side boob which is something you would never see in a modern movie from a chick that age.

Overall it's a fun flick. I'm convinced that the lack of funds forced these directors to compensate in other areas and that's what make these low-budget horror flicks so damn great. The story is fun, the acting solid enough, and the special effects creepy. This movie gave birth to a whole line of much shittier movies so you have to give it credit for that.

JESUS WEPT!

Why It's Awesome:

Opening a Chinese puzzle box opens a portal to a demon S&M club. Just one more reason why the Chinese are fucked up.

Best Quote:

Pinhead: No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering.

Candyman (1992)

This month I'm reviewing cheesy horror movies in honor of Halloween.

The first cheesy horror movie is a strange one. Candyman is not your typical early 90s horror movie. The basic storyline sounds like dozens of other horror flicks. A grad student (who looks suspiciously like Scully from X-Files) researches an urban legend about the Candyman, a killer with a hook for a hand who appears after someone says Candyman five times while looking in the mirror (Bloody Mary, anyone?).

But here's where it gets strange. There's nothing scary in this scary movie. Creepy is a better word. The Candyman is truly creepy and unsettling and it has nothing to do with the hook. It's a combination of Tony Todd's voice (as deep and black as a voice can get) and that damn fur coat...the guy is basically a tuba dressed like a pimp. The only truly scary aspect of this film is the ghetto where this movie was filmed. This is the ghetto...the real ghetto. I'd rather deal with the Candyman than go anywhere near the ghettos in Chicago. Kudos to the filmmakers by openly admitting that black people are terrifying.

The Candyman is kind of an odd cat. He seems to enjoy murdering poor people and stealing their babies. Not only that but he likes white women and attempts to woo them by framing them for murder. His idea of a good time is sawing off a dog's head and spraying blood all over the walls before vomiting bees down some chick's throat. And if that isn't strange enough the movie ends with a giant bonfire started by children.

The music really adds to the creep factor in this one. The score is unique and haunting, much like the film. At no point during the movie will you truly be frightened, but when the movie's over you'll be left with an unsettling feeling, which I personally feel is a much greater accomplishment.

CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN!

Oh no! A black guy!

Why It's Scary: I watched this movie almost a week ago and it's still with me. Now THAT'S what a horror movie is supposed to do, folks.

Best Quote:

Fake Candyman: I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. Well, you found him!

The Grey (2011)

Every Lliam Neeson movie should just be titled Lliam Neeson vs. (fill in the blank).

Batman Begins = Lliam Neeson vs. Batman
Star Wars = Lliam Neeson vs. The Dark Side
Schindler's List = Lliam Neeson vs. Nazis

This one would be titled Lliam Neeson vs. Computer-Generated Twilight Wolves. This movie took a lot of heat upon its release for not depicting wolves in an accurate light. The people who make this complaint are jackasses. This movie is not a film about a bunch of dudes in Alaska getting picked off by wolves; no, this is a nihilistic movie about how God hates us and all you can do is flip Him the bird and fight until you can't fight anymore.

Lliam Neeson is up to his usual tricks in this one. Let's see, he starts out the film by trying to eat an entire gun. When that doesn't work out, he falls out of a plane instead. He shakes that off and then gathers the other survivors who don't do anything but bitch and moan most of the time. Then, in addition to the freezing temperatures and harsh conditions, the giant wolves from Twilight show up and start ripping out people's intestines. Lliam Neeson then recites a poem, walks into the wolf den, and bare knuckle boxes the Alpha male. Apparently the battle is so intense we're not even allowed to witness it because the movie ends right as the fight starts...which is really the only part of the movie I really, really wanted to see.

The movie is super depressing and bleak (like the chances of anyone facing off against Lliam Neeson) and it certainly isn't the typical man vs. wolf thriller I was expecting going in. As much as I enjoyed it, there are two ways this movie could have been even better.

1) The movie should have just been Lliam Neeson locked in a room with a pack of real-life wolves. Only one creature is allowed to exit the room. The movie basically writes itself.

2) The pack of wolves should have TAKEN Lliam Neeson's daughter and attempted to sell her into an illegal white girl sex ring in Paris, forcing Lliam Neeson to use a particular set of skills to get her back.

In conclusion, if you want to be depressed and feel like life is controlled by a mean-spirited and indifferent God who will send a pack of wolves to eat you after you survive a plane crash, then fall into THE GREY!

Why It's Awesome: It's Lliam Neeson vs. Wolves.

Best Quote:

Ottway:  I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds (classic Neeson).

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Hollywood remake commandment #1: Thou shall not remake a Schwartzenegger film!

How many times must Hollywood break this commandment before everyone realizes it is LAW?! Why even try? He is such a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable actor that no one can ever...EVER...replace him. It's just that simple. Go ahead and try to justify remaking these films by saying you're going to make them "more similar to the source material," it really doesn't matter. It's just a bomb in the making.

Take last summer's Conan the Barbarian for example. It showed up on my Netflix streaming service and since new movies only appear once every six months, I thought I'd give it a look-see. I watched the emo barbarian take on impossible odds in a classic revenge tale (I'd be pissed if Ron Perlman was my father and someone killed him, too) and everything seemed to be in place. There were some awesome fight scenes (the sand monster fight stood out) and some interesting bad guys (Rose McGowan's balding sorceress stole the show) and in the end Conan stood victorious with some hot virgin slut.

And ten minutes later it was as if someone took the Men in Black mind eraser stick and flashed it in front of my eyes because I couldn't remember a thing about the whole damn movie.

And there lies the problem. The main issue I have with modern popcorn movies is they're so damn forgettable. They're so by-the-numbers they turn into nothing but clones of every movie we've already seen a thousand times already. Who could forget The Goonies or Back to the Future or E.T.? These are popcorn movie masterpieces and they've survived the test of time.

And this takes us right back to the Arnold dilemma. You remember Arnold. You see a roided up wall of muscle with a weird accent, you're gonna remember that guy. He was all that was man in the 80s and early 90s. This guy playing Conan now wears guy liner. Let's compare:

In conclusion, movies now are terrible. Stop trying to remake movies that were good. Remake shitty movies instead. That way no one will care when you ruin them.

Why It's Dog Shit: The worst sin for a movie is to be forgettable. Conan The Barbarian...is a sinner.

Best Quote (Nuts to this new movie. There's only ONE best Conan quote):

Mongol: What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Piranha 3D (2010)

If there's one thing Hollywood has proven time and time again it's that you can't purposely make a bad movie.

Take Piranha 3D (or 2D if you're not lucky enough to see all the boobs in 3D) for example. It's a contemporary tribute to the B horror movies of the past, but, unfortunately, it lacks all the charm of those movies that attempt to make a decent movie and just fail...in epic fashion. This movie just fails.

An earthquake opens up a cave housing a species of prehistoric piranhas during Spring Break. Perfect story for a B horror movie. Sounds like an alley-oop for an easy slam dunk, right? WRONG!

This movie contains all the elements of a great bad movie: cheesy special effects + scary creatures eating stupid kids + boobs. It even sports the greatest cast of any B horror movie ever with the likes of Richard Dreyfuss (in a tribute to Jaws), Christopher Lloyd (in full Doc Brown mode), Ving Rhames, Adam Scott, Jerry O'Connell (Sliders is still one of my favorite TV shows ever), and a plethora of porn stars. With all these arrows in its quiver, how could this movie not be good, right?

The only problem is it's not...not even close. I feel like this movie was made for teenage boys to whack off to, and that's its only purpose. It has all the elements of a bad movie, but it has too much of them. The cheesy piranhas look almost too good. The dump of decent actors makes me think the acting should be better. There are plenty of creative, gory deaths, but there are so many creative, gory deaths that eventually they just stop having any kind of effect at all. There's like a 20 minute massacre of spring breakers that I actually left in the middle of to go to the bathroom and get a snack and when I came back it was STILL going on and I STILL didn't care.

The truly perplexing part of Pirahna 3D's failure is that (and I can't believe I'm actually going to write this) there are too many (seriously, I NEVER thought I'd write this)...sigh...boobs. There are too many boobs in this movie! How could that be possible?! But strangely, impossibly, it is! I remember watching the old Friday the 13th movies where there would often be a topless young woman skinny-dipping or having sex with some guy with a perm and there'd be a few seconds of bare booby. And I remember my breath catching in my throat and my hand instinctively rubbing the inside of my thigh, and that image would stay with me for weeks. Piranha shovels boob after boob after boob onto the screen without any discretion or shame, and, like the gory deaths, there just came a point where I didn't care anymore and for that, I can never, ever forgive this film. It made me indifferent to boobs.

Of course, I can't mention this film without mentioning the underwater lesbian nude scene set to opera music. The scene is the movie's only salvation and indifferent is the last word I would use to describe my feelings toward it. So for that, Piranha 3D, and that alone I salute you...from the waist down!

Why It's Not So Awesome: It tries to be a good bad movie and just ends up being a bad bad movie...which is as bad as it gets. And too many boobs! Boobs should be shown with discretion to maximize their impact. Think Fast Times at Ridgemont Hight, which uses boobs better than any movie in cinematic history.

Best Quote:

Andrew: It's never cheating when it's with another chick.

The Expendables (2010)

Here's the greatest premise for a movie ever: stick every kick-ass action star in a single movie and have them kill things.

DONE.

As a fan of uber-ridiculous action flicks of the 80s and 90s, The Expendables served as the perfect escape from lame modern action abortions littered with CGI bullshit...or basically anything directed by Michael Bay. Leave it to Sly Stallone to assemble the greatest line-up of action stars in a single movie (sans the sequel). The Expendables would totally slice through The Avengers or The Justice League easier than Arnold throwing a pipe through some pussy wearing chain mail.

And the names of these guys? The character names in this movie make Shakespeare look like Katy Perry song lyrics:

Jason Statham = Lee Christmas
Jet Li = Yin Yang (racist)
Dolph Lundgren = Gunnar Jensen
Randy Couture = Toll Road (what?)
Terry Crews = Hale Caesar (clever...)
Steve Austin = Paine (they just gave up)

The plot of the movie is pointless and awesome. Sly falls for some chick who is trying to save her small island country from her corrupt dictator father and a rogue CIA agent. So he and the rest of the badass crew travel to the island, spend a half hour planting plastic explosives at the capital, get the chick's father killed, blow up most of the island, and murder half of the entire country's population.

You're welcome, bitch.

It's a good thing this movie kicks ass and features showdowns between Jet Li vs. Ivan Drago and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Rambo because there are certain parts that simply don't make any sense. There's the totally pointless love story between Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter, who, although hot, does not get naked and serves no logical purpose in the film. There's the pointless story tangent of Jet Li complaining about needing more money. For what? Who knows...

But the BEST and LEAST LOGICAL part of the movie is the fact that Ivan Drago betrays the rest of the team, tries to murder Jet Li, and then gets shot in the heart by Rocky Balboa. Not only does Ivan Drago survive the bullet to the heart, but then Sly and the gang FORGIVE HIM at the end. Does it make sense? No. But who gives a shit? Five guys defeat an entire country so let's not think about this too hard.

Oh, and the biggest badass in the entire movie?

Terry Crews' automatic shotgun/grenade launcher.

Why It's Awesome: Do I even need to explain how hard I jizzed in my pants when Sly, Arnold, and Bruce Willis all crammed their steroid-riddled bodies onto a single screen? If an explanation is necessary, the answer is HARD! I jizzed hard.

Best Quote:

Church (talking to Arnold and Sly): You two aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are ya?

Taken (2008)

Liam Neeson bleeds semen.

There is no greater badass in the New Millennium than Liam Neeson. Want proof? This is the man who trained Batman AND Obi-Wan Kenobi, discovered Darth Vader, single-handedly murdered an entire pack of wolves, led the A-Team, killed the Titans, returned from the dead as a Jesus lion, and saved over a thousand Jews!

So why, in the holy hell, would anyone dare kidnap the man's daughter? Don't they know he has a particular set of skills that make him a nightmare for Albanians who turn spoiled rich brats into crack whores?

In this ultimate badass outing, Neeson plays Brian Mills, an ex-CIA badass whose annoying teenage daughter (who he had with The Phoenix from X-Men) gets TAKEN by a group of Albanian human traffickers ten minutes after she lands in Paris on a trip to follow U2 on their European tour (serves her right for liking U2). So Neeson has to travel to Paris and kill half the population of Albany (where I assume Albanians are from) in order to save his daughter and her precious hymen.

There are so many straight-up badass-like-a-boss scenes in this movie I don't even know where to begin!

The most badass of these features Neeson walking into the den of the kidnappers in the guise of a corrupt French police official (is there any other kind?). As he's walking through the house, he's looking at each Albanian he passes like "I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, you're dead, gonna throw a knife into your chest..." and so forth and then he straight up murders everyone in the house.

Then the most like-a-boss scene involves Neeson going to this French dude's house for information. Instead of just asking politely like a normal man he invites himself over for dinner and shoots the dude's totally innocent wife and threatens to slaughter their children while they sleep unless Frenchie tells him what he wants to know. Now THAT'S a badass, my friends!

The next time someone borrows a pen from me and forgets to return it I'm hiring Liam Neeson to get it back...HARD!

Why It's Awesome:

There's a sequel coming out in October called Taken 2: Tooken where more Albanians show up and TAKE Neeson's wife and then they try to TAKE Neeson! What?! Didn't these people watch the first movie? Didn't they see what happened when someone took the thing that came out of his wife's vagina? Now someone is going to take the vagina?! Shit is gonna get FUCKED UP!

Best Quote:

Mills: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Snatch (2000)

In honor of the release of The Expendables...WITH A VENGEANCE, this month is man month at Captain 69's retro movie reviews.

The first man movie is Snatch, a Tarrentino-esque British flick about underground boxing and a diamond heist but best known for Brad Pitt speaking gibberish.

You can tell this is a man movie because there's not a single chick in it. Not a single main character (and there are many) has a vagina...not one. There's no lame tacked on love story or some 90-lb. chick who kicks guys asses or any of that Hollywood bullshit. The only chicks in the movie are strippers and that's the way it should be. The other way you can tell this is a man movie is because it has Vinnie Jones in it.

Vinnie Jones = man movie

This flick has everything a guy wants in a movie: illegal boxing matches, Russian gangsters, fake Jews, incompetent black gangsters, some dude whose nickname is "The Head," unintelligible gypsies, dismemberment, some dude who only has four fingers, corpses being fed to pigs, slow motion fighting, Vinnie Jones delivering an elaborate monologue comparing three dudes to a dick and balls, arson, tons of profanity, a dude getting shot a dozen times and surviving, and a dog that shits a diamond.

My only complaint is that Jason Statham is a main character (whose name is Turkish...which is awesome) and he doesn't drive a single car onto a moving train or off a building onto a parking deck. C'mon! What the hell is the point of having Jason Statham in a movie if he's not going to take part in a barrage of "Nuking the Fridge" moments?

The plot unfolds similar to movies like Pulp Fiction where several stories are going on at once and intersect throughout until it all ends in a nice, neat package, but what most people remember about the flick is Pitt's portrayal of the pikey, Mickey. You can't understand a fucking word this guy says and he can knock your ass out with a single punch...now that's a character.

This movie dispenses helpful advice, too, like Beware any man who keeps a pig farm. That one has kept me out of a lot of trouble...

Why It's Awesome: Violence, profanity, and no chicks to muddle things up. That's a man movie...or a gay porno...but in this case, it's a man movie!

Best Quote:

Brick Top: Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent, personified in this case by a 'orrible cunt...ME!

Troll 2 (1990)

Here it is in all its awful glory…THE BEST WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!


And this isn’t just my opinion. This is science! Troll 2 (which doesn’t have a single troll in it) was ranked as the #1 worst movie ever made for quite a while on IMDB and there’s even a documentary about the movie called Best Worst Movie (check it out on Netflix).

This movie has all the best worst movie elements. Atrocious special effects (the goblins are retarded midgets wearing paper mache masks), absolutely diarrhea-inducing acting by people literally pulled off the streets (the dad was a dentist by trade and some of the extras were legit mental patients), and a story that makes so little sense your head will implode if you think about it too much.

Troll 2 is about a family from the city who participates in a home exchange program (there’s no such thing) with a country family who lives in a town called NILBOG (Goblin spelled backwards!). The town is actually the kingdom of a clan of vegetarian goblins who feed people green shit that transforms people into half plant/half human puddles that the goblins can eat. Nope…not a lick of sense…

It’s one of those movies that truly must be seen to be believed. Here’s just a sample of the craptacular acting. The scene is considered in most movie circles to be the worst line ever delivered in any movie…ever (notice the fly on the kid's head at the climax, too):

Here are some things you’ll learn from watching Troll 2:

- If you have crappy costumes and masks, the best thing to do is shoot all the scenes involving those things in broad daylight to truly highlight how awful they are.

- Ghosts can freeze time, transform into hobos, and provide small children with Molotov cocktails.

- Coffee is the devil’s drink.

- The best way to hide your obvious homosexuality is to sleep naked in a camper with three other dudes while incessantly talking about “getting laid.”

- The sexiest food…is corn on the cob.

- Fuck a gun! The ultimate weapon is a double decker bologna sandwich!

- You don’t piss on hospitality!

Why It's Awesomely Terrible:

Anyone who loves movies must watch this movie to see what it looks like when everything goes wrong…in all the right ways possible!

Best Quote:
 
Michael: Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? HOSPITALITY! And you can't piss on hospitality!

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Ugh.

The sequel to one of the most shocktastic movies ever made (The Human Centipede) showed up on Netflix's instant watch so I forced myself to watch it. I didn't want to. I really had to psych myself up to watch it - like psyching oneself up for a colonoscopy. It was bad but not I-have-someone-else's-lips-stapled-to-my-asshole bad. No wait! It was that bad.

The story for the sequel is basically a fan letter to the original. A psychotic and retarded midget (not joking) named Martin is so obsessed with the original movie that he decides to make his own human centipede but instead of three people, he's going to make a 12-person centipede! The only problem is he has no medical background so instead he uses everyday tools like a hammer, pliars, and a staple gun to make his creation. Yeah, it's gross...

After watching the sequel, I actually enjoy the first flick more than I originally did (which was not at all). At least that one tried to have a plot. This one had none at all. The first half of the movie was Martin collecting people to make the centipede (he manages to collect associates who had wronged him, total strangers, a pregnant chick, and even one of the girls who starred in the first movie!) and the second half is him actually making the centipede (which is surprisingly not difficult at all).

As expected there are some truly disgusting moments here:

- Martin caving in his own mother's skull with a crowbar and then eating breakfast with her corpse
- Martin knocking out a dude's teeth with a hammer
- Martin stapling people's mouths to others' assholes with  a staple gun
- A dozen people having explosive diarrhea into each other's mouths in the worst conga line ever

But the most detestable scene involves a pregnant woman waking up in labor pains who manages to escape Martin's warehouse. She gets into a car, farts out the baby onto the floor, the baby's head slides under the gas pedal, and, in her hurry to escape, she slams on the gas pedal and squishes the baby's skull. C'mon...

There's NOTHING redeemable about this sequel. Martin isn't as fun as Dr. Heiter, there's no attempt at a plot, and, for some reason, 12 people just seems like overkill. Why didn't they just jack it up to a respectable five or six-person centipede? Where could they possibly go from here?

Why It's Dog Shit:

The worst part of the movie is that it's almost cartoonish at times. No one ever tries to escape the warehouse or wiggle away. Martin goes around bonking people on the head with his crowbar, which instantly knocks them out. I almost expected there to be birds circling their heads at times. And the shit splattering the camera during the diarrhea conga line was just plain silly.

Best Quote:

Me: They couldn't possibly make another one...could they?

Jack Frost (1997)

July is dogshit movie month here at Captain 69's Retro Movie Review.

We're starting with a little Christmas in July with Jack Frost (the horror/comedy, not the Michael Keaton shitstorm). In this classic horror/comedy mash-up, a serial killer is tranformed into a snowman after he's sprayed with genetic-altering acid and then goes around killing people...that's right, a snowman.

This is one of those movies that knows how terrible it is and revels in it (see also: Dead Snow). The acting is atrocious, the special effects laughable, and it's full of cheesy one-liners ("Is it cold in here or is it just me?"). At no point is it trying to be anything but cheesy fun...and for the most part it succeeds.

You'd think the characters in the movie would start to get suspicious about a snowman with evil eyebrows and arms...yes, that's right, he has arms. As a general rule, if you ever see a snowman with arms, get the hell out of there as most children aren't too worried about making their snowmen anatomically correct. The picture on the front cover of the DVD shows a scary demonic snowman, but Jack doesn't look anything like that in the movie. He looks like a poorly-constructed Styrofoam snowman...that kills people.

The deaths are always the best part of any cheesy horror flick and Jack Frost is no different. Some of his Christmas-themed kills include him smashing a woman's face into broken Christmas tree bulbs and decorating her with tinsel and a star, impaling some kid with icicles, and pushing a kid over and decapitating him with the runner of a toboggan.

The best death, however, belongs to a young Shannon Elizabeth. Most people know Shannon Elizabeth from her boner-inducing topless scene in the original American Pie, but most don't know that she made her film debut in Jack Frost, and she's naked in this one, too! (Not that you really get to see anything good). Not only is she in the film but she's the star of one of the greatest scenes ever filmed: the infamous snowman rape scene! I've included the clip below. Basically Shannon Elizabeth is taking a bath and Jack transforms into the bath water and then bangs her using his carrot nose as a dick. Just watch it...

In conclusion, they just don't make cheesy horror movies that are so bad they're good quite like this anymore. They peaked in the 80s and began to trail off in the 90s to the point they're almost nonexistent anymore. Now movies are just so bad they're bad.

Why It's Awesomely Terrible: A snowman runs around killing people, driving cars, and he totally rapes a hot chick with his carrot dick. C'mon! Do I really have to explain why that's awesomely terrible?

Best Quote:

Jack (after raping Shannon Elizabeth): Looks like Christmas came a little early this year.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

Wow. What a great movie.

Unfortunately L.A. Confidential debuted in 1997, the year James Cameron ruined the film industry with that boat movie, and it never received the attention it deserved (the Oscar for best film) and even now, it's largely forgotten when people discuss the best movies of the 90s.

The movie takes place in the 50s when police in LA just walked around beating the shit out of people, toting shotguns, getting drunk on duty, and blamed all the crimes on blacks and Mexicans...well, technically I guess that could be any decade but in the 50s no one cried about it. The movie revolves around a mass murder at a cafe involving an ex-cop, Hollywood prostitution, and police corruption and explores the idea of how far you can go in the name of justice before becoming the monster you were trying to protect the public from.

The cast is unbelievable. You could never get the three main actors in the same movie today...mainly because Russell Crowe would beat the shit out of the other two. Guy Pearce (of Momento fame) plays Ed Exley, a young cop with a strong sense of morality climbing the ranks of the police force. The always amazing Kevin Spacey (How good was this guy in the 90s?) plays Detective Jack Vincennes, a sleazy cop more interested in getting his picture taken than upholding the law. And finally we have the angriest man in Hollywood, Russell Crowe, playing Bud White, a pissed off musclehead cop with a special penchant for whipping ass...so basically he's playing himself.

The supporting cast is just as solid with Danny DeVito, James Cromwell (in a role far removed from his Babe role), and a very hot Kim Basinger all lending their talents to the film.

The movie is violent, sexy, and reveals Los Angeles for the cesspool of crime, drugs, corruption, and prostitution that it is. The acting is solid all around and all the characters are flawed in interesting ways. It's the kind of solid historical crime drama that was abundant in the late 90s but in short supply nowadays. If only Russell Crowe hadn't gotten so fat...

Why It's Awesome: The movie makes you think about the time period when cops pretty much did whatever they wanted in the name of justice. I'm sure a lot more innocent people were arrested and killed but justice was more immediate and remained protected from red tape and the flawed court systems. Was it better? Those are the kinds of questions that great films make us ask.
Best Quote:
Bud White: What do I get if I give you your balls back, you wop cocksucker? (Now that's a cop!)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

The 2012 summer movie season is well upon us with Hollywood blockbusters being shoved down our throats faster than a fat guy inhaling crab legs at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Looking back at last summer's movie buffet, the best movie of the crap paraded out was surprisingly, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which was a surprise considering how much it had working against it:

1) It's a remake and a reboot (which are almost exclusively craptactular)
2) It relies heavily on CGI
3) Its main human star is James Franco

But it takes all those items that should have been detriments and turns them into positives. Yes, it's a reboot, but the story focuses on in-depth character development (of a genetically-mutated ape, no less) and ties into the original series with subtle allusions that never detract from the movie's story or pound us over the head screaming, "THIS IS A PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE!"

All the apes are CGI, which would usually be an instant boner-killer for me, but this is the kind of movie that couldn't be made without CGI. Humans in costumes would look silly and there's no way you could get actual apes to express the kinds of complex emotions and intelligent thought that Caesar is capable of. Plus this is one of those rare occasions where puppets are not the best way to go. The CGI certainly doesn't look perfect (it never does) but the story is good enough that you get lost in it and don't care, which is how it should be.

Yes, James Franco does star in the movie, but he's certainly not the movie's main character. In fact, Franco, mercifully, appears in the latter half of the film only sparingly (he's awful in this by the way). No, top billing goes to Andy Serkis, who portrays (through motion-capture tech) Caesar, the revolutionary monkey, and, in doing so, makes this the first live-action film to focus on a CGI main character. Caesar is more sympathetic and interesting than any human character in any film I saw last year. How Serkis does not have an Oscar is beyond me. He should have one for playing Gollum and he should have at least been nominated here as well.

It's the writing that really makes this the best movie of last summer. The rise of the apes parallels the rise of the slaves in the south and you want them to be victorious over the humans. You feel bad for them and the humans come across as real assholes. The movie does an excellent job of explaining how apes can defeat humans who are armed with guns and set in motion the events that will eventually lead to apes becoming the dominant species on the planet.

The only flaw is the ending in which James Franco does not die, thus making it possible for him to reappear in the unavoidable sequel. Damn you, stinking dirty James Franco! Damn you!

Why It's Awesome: This movie stands as proof that CGI does not a good movie make (Did you hear that George Lucas?). The basis of film has always been and will always be storytelling and filmmakers need to accept that fact that CGI is meant to enhance a story, not replace it.

Best Quote:

Dodge Landon: (channeling Charlton Heston) Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

What can one say about one of the greatest films ever made?

The opening scene with Indy and Dr. Octopus traversing the booby-trapped cave in their attempt to retrieve the golden idol alone is better than most feature-length films. Then you've got the market place stunt-palooza, the Well of Souls sequence, the fist fight with the German around the spinning airplane, the Jeep chase, and the best claymation-exploding-head sequence ever filmed!

Instead of pointing out the awesomeness of everything that is so obviously awesome, I'd rather discuss what makes Indiana Jones the single greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!). Check that. What I really want to talk about is why Indiana Jones makes all modern film heroes look like total pussies.

First of all, Indiana Jones is a man. That sounds simplistic, but there's a big difference between an 80s film man and an oughts film man. Indiana Jones liked to do two things: fight and fuck (not particularly in that order). The problem with modern film heroes is that now they have to be all deep or emotionally-damaged or suffer from some haunted past, but all it does is make them come across as emo bitch boys.

The only emotion a true man should ever feel is horniness.

This bitch boy movement is perfectly illustrated by comparing early James Bond (Sean Connery) to contemporary James Bond (Daniel Craig). Early James Bond was suave, he was witty, he could throw down, he had cool lasers and shit, and he was a walking hard-on. Modern James Bond is all brooding and dark and needs a shitload of therapy. I don't care if he's more like the character in the book or more "fully realized." I don't need him to be "fully realized" to enjoy watching him kick ass for an hour-and-a-half (See also modern Batman).

Next, Indiana Jones is many things, but one thing he is not is an asshole. Modern heroes are huge douchebags. Take Tony Stark of Iron Man fame. Stark comes across as a total asshole, but he's funny so people like him. Why do people like assholes?

Jones and Bond, like Stark, are both confident womanizers, but they never come across as assholes. They're both guys who are going to get the job done by any means necessary and they're always fighting for some greater purpose, never for their own glorification. I think as society has become more self-centered and selfish, that idea of someone who fights for something larger than themselves has gone the way of the dodo...which is sad.

Finally, Indiana Jones has that Everyman quality to him that truly separates him from other heroes of the era. He's not as over-the-top as Arnold. Sure he fights the entire Nazi army by himself, but before he manages to claim the ark he's buried alive with snakes, beaten up by a Nazi twice his size, shot, thrown through a windshield, and dragged behind a moving vehicle at high speeds whereas Arnold kills people without even firing his gun (Commando, anyone?). Indiana Jones is just a normal guy who knows how to get the job done without his hat ever falling off!

The only thing Indiana Jones ever failed at was fathering Shia LaDouche.

BURN!

Wedding Crashers (2005)

This is a tough one for me. Wedding Crashers starts out as another raunchy frat pack comedy in the same vein as 40-Year-Old Virgin, but then midway through it transforms into a sopping wet bitch of a romantic comedy.

It's strange. You have to watch it a couple times before you even realize the 180 the movie takes. The movie opens strong. In the first ten minutes there's a montage full of breasts! That's awesome. You assume that HAS to be the start of nothing but good things. Even the premise makes you feel pretty safe in the fact that you won't have to feel any real emotions for an hour-and-a-half. Two guys crash weddings in an attempt to hook up with hot chicks? They certainly can't screw that up...

The leads are solid. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the perfect pair to pull off the premise. They get help from Christopher Walken and a cameo by Will Ferrell (who contributes to the funniest ten minutes of the movie). The dark horse here is Bradley Cooper, who wasn't well known when the film came out in 2005, but the guy plays the PERFECT dickhead boyfriend. McAdams and Fisher are great, too.

Maybe there just wasn't enough juice in the premise to pull off a feature length film, but, as soon as they get to the Cleary's house after the senator's daughter's wedding, the sappiness creeps in. It's never a full breach, but it's noticeable. It's a funny movie, don't get me wrong, but Owen's turn to the Pussy Side kind of drops it a few notches on the awesomeness scale. Plus the Dark Night of the Soul section of the film is way, way too dark for a comedy. They've got Owen laid up in his home reading books on suicide. Too much, man.

I guess my real beef with the film is the premise itself. Who would bother to go to all the trouble of crashing weddings when you can just go to a bar and pick up drunk chicks? Weddings are THE WORST! The food is always undercooked or cold and then you've got some asshole DJ trying to force you to have a good time when all you want to do is fill up at the taco bar and go home. Then you gotta sit through the painful wedding rituals like the bouquet toss and the garter and the cutting of the stupid cake that is never as good as it looks like it's gonna be and the entire time you're thinking to yourself, "How soon can I leave without looking like a total asshole?"

God I hate weddings...

Why It's (for the most part) Awesome: In spite of my issues with the premise and the head dive into vagina country, it's still a pretty funny flick. Isla Fisher's crazy virgin act? WIN! The creepy gay brother? WIN! The night rape scene? WIN! Christopher Walken? FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Best Quote:

Chazz: MA! MEATLOAF!

Dead Man on Campus (1998)

The cover of this movie says that it’s the best college comedy since Animal House. One word: FALSE! That honor would go to Old School. Is this the best college comedy you can watch on television on a rainy Sunday afternoon? No, probably not, but it’s still worth watching if there’s nothing better on for one reason…ZACK MORRIS!

In this movie Zack Morris and some other douche are roommates in college who spend their days drinking and smoking and generally not studying. When they discover they’re on the verge of getting kicked out of school, they plan on taking advantage of a loophole in the college charter that states that anyone whose roommate commits suicide gets straight A’s. So they venture out to find the most suicidal student on campus to move in with them and boost their GPAs.

The humor is something most people might find hilarious only if they’re really, really high, but some of it is actually pretty funny. Lochlyn Munro steals the show with his insane frat boy, Cliff (“Do you ever get horny?”) with his couch humping and weird interior mouth licking. Actually, all the roommates are pretty funny. In addition to Cliff, there’s also the paranoid roommate who thinks Bill Gates is trying to steal his brain and the suicidal rocker and lead singer of Kiss My Ass who turns out not only to be NOT suicidal but not even British!

The supporting cast definitely outshines Zack Morris and that other dude. My favorite part about watching this movie in 2K12 is that Marshall and Lilly of How I Met Your Mother fame round out the supporting cast. Actually, if you replace Zack Morris’ s roommate, Josh, with Barney and Poppy “I never forget anything” Montgomery with Kelly Kapowski, this might actually be a pretty decent flick.
My words are my sperm/spewing forth my tragic germ…

Why It's Not so Awesome: If I had to choose a subject to NOT make a comedy about, suicide would be in the top three. I hope there's a sequel where Josh and Cooper sponsor a girl who wants to get an abortion or where they pretend to have AIDS for some kind of scholarship because those are also awesome subjects for a comedy.

Best Quote:

Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?
Cooper: Depends where you're going with this.

Swingers (1996)

Contrary to what the title may lead you to believe, this is not a porn...

Swingers represents one of those rare low-budget movies that gains cult status mainly through its snappy dialogue and tools have been talking like Vince Vaughn ever since. "You're so money, baby!"

The script is based off of Jon Favreau's real life experiences acting like a total bitch after breaking up with his girlfriend and moving from New York to LA. His real life friends, Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston (of Office Space fame), play his film friends who attempt to get him laid and convince him to quit being such a pussy...to no avail.

The cast is amazing sans Favreau. Favreau belongs behind the camera. His few leading roles have all been epic fails and this one is no exception. He's just too whiny and unlikable and ugly to gain any kind of real sympathy. He just comes off as pathetic. Vaughn only has a career because of this role (he also did his best acting in this film, ironically, playing himself). He was so money he didn't even know how money he was! And Livingston is serviceable doing his underwhelming Average Joe routine.

If this movie proves anything, it's that smart writing will make up for a lack of funds and big budgets don't make great films. The writing (where Favreau DOES shine) makes this movie the classic it has become. There are so many money shots which don't even know how money they are:

- The opening Vegas scene where Mike and Trent are all jacked to go to Vegas but it takes forever to get there and then, when they finally do, it sucks...because that's what a trip to Vegas is actually like!

- The scene where Trent and Sue play SEGA hockey is the single most authentic male bonding scene ever filmed...ever. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here."

- The scene at the bar where the guys are talking about how long one should wait before calling a potential bang partner is another truly authentic view into the male psyche. "Two days is like industry standard."

- The answering machine conversation scene is downright painful to watch, but anyone who's ever said anything stupid and botched a bang attempt can certainly relate.

- There's also this great underrated scene where Mike and Rob are discussing Mike's past relationship while they play chip and putt (and quite poorly, I might add). I don't know why, but I think that's my favorite scene because they literally could have had the guys doing anything during that scene, but having them play chip and putt was MONEY!

Another mark of a great film is that it references other great films. Swingers pays homage to Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs, another low-budget masterpiece. The first time I saw that slow motion walking scene, ala Reservoir Dogs, I nearly pissed my pants.

If I had to choose one word to describe this movie, it would certainly be...excellent...wait, no! IT'S MONEY!

Why It's Awesome: This movie is a slap in the face to big budget fart stains like Avatar. It's just a couple of guys fucking around and trying to get laid. It was made for pocket change, and it's better than anything James Cameron will ever make.

Best Quote:

Trent: You're so money you don't even know how money you are!

The NeverEndng Story (1984)

Children's movies in the 80s kicked so much ass. They didn't treat kids like fragile pussies like today's kid movies. The NeverEnding Story is another pre-CGI children's movie in the same vein as Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal that made use of puppets and make-up to create elaborate fantasy creatures and characters instead of having a computer destroy the last remnants of imagination.

TNES is a movie about the importance of books...which doesn't make any sense. A loser kid who is constantly bullied jacks a book from an old man who hates children The book is about a magical world called Fantasia that is being wiped out by Global Warming, but they don't call it that; they call it "The Nothing." A young boy warrior must go on a quest to save the life of the Child-like Empress, the only person who can save Fantasia, but none of the pharmacies will take his insurance so she's fucked.

The reason I hold this film in such high regard is that it contains the single saddest scene ever filmed...EVER. Remember how you felt when Mufasa died in Lion King? Well imagine you're watching that scene and simultaneously being told your entire family has died in a horrible plane crash...and that you have AIDS.

Of course I speak of the infamous Artex death scene in The Swamp of Sadness. Atreyu, our boy warrior, is trying to pass through the swamp with his beloved horse, Artex, and the horse goes all emo on him. As everyone knows, the Swamp of Sadness swallows anyone who allows his despair to overwhelm him and this horse starts sinking into the swamp and Atreyu is screaming and pleading for him to move, to fight, to overcome his sadness and not to leave him. Then the camera cuts away. When it returns, the horse is gone and Atreyu is bawling in the swamp - alone.

The best part is that this all happens in the first 20 minutes of the film! It's like, "Hey, welcome to our movie. Oh, by the way, THIS KID'S HORSE IS TOTALLY DEAD!" I've included the scene below for your enjoyment.

That's not the only downer in the film, either. There's the Rockbiter's epically depressing speech about how he wasn't strong enough to save his friends from oblivion ("They look like strong hands...don't they?") and then, oh yeah, the entire world ends and everyone dies! How do you like them apples, kids?!

Honestly, this movie is ludicrously depressing so don't show it to your 21st Century child or else its fragile mind will cave in on itself and the kid will wet its bed until the age of fifteen. Just stick with your happy horseshit animated flicks and tell your kid that the world is full of rainbows and hugs...UNTIL YOUR HORSE SINKS INTO A SWAMP AND DIES!

Welcome to reality, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: It's like a more German version of Lord of the Rings without all the midgets. There's a rock-eating giant and an Oracle with boobs and a racing snail and a bitchy turtle and a philosophical werewolf. And who wouldn't want to ride that white dragon/dog around?

Best Quote:

G'Mork (the philosophical werewolf): Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!