Jingle All the Way (1996)

When people talk about classic Christmas movies, they always mention film like Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'd like to add another film to the conversation: the holiday classic, Jingle All the Way starring Aaaarnold Schwarzenegger and (sigh...) Sinbad.

Now, on the surface, this movie may just appear to be another holiday cash-in with a nonsensical plot, atrocious acting, horrendous slapstick humor, and the stupid kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, but in actuality it's a deep allegory attacking the corrupt materialistic nature of our modern-day society. Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

Jingle All the Way is about a work-obsessed father (Arnold) who forgets to buy his son the must-have gift of the holiday season (Turbo Man). So Arnold has to venture out on Christmas Eve to battle the hordes of shoppers for the one toy that will cancel out an entire year of neglect and win his son's love. Standing between him and his son's affection is a psychotic mailman (the master thespian, Sinbad) who challenges Arnold at every opportunity.

A n00b may look at this film as just another Arnold comedy abortion (Junior, anyone?), but the goal was to critique society as much as it was to display Arnold and Sinbad's masterful acting chops. Arnold represents the modern father, more interested in working ("You're my number one customer!") than connecting with his child. He believes that buying his son a favorite toy will make his child believe he is a good father. Thus, things = love. Instead of spending Christmas Eve with his family, making memories and enjoying each other's company, Arnold spends the entire day doing battle in the coliseum of commercialism. This is what love has become in our modern society.

Phil Hartman, the creepy divorced neighbor who wants to bang Arnold's wife (which is ballsy) represents the protagonist's foil. Unlike Arnold, he is a stay-at-home dad type who bakes cookies, shares recipes, shops early, and rents reindeer (What?). But although it seems like this arch-type represents a better example of what it means to be a father, he is just as flawed as Arnold's workaholic stereotype. His motives are flawed. He only does these things as a means to banging the neighborhood women. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. His "good dad" façade is a means to meet is most base desires. For him, pussy = love.

Thus, Jingle All the Way is not just another holiday slapstick comedy but a critique of what it means to be a father in a society where things = love and we weigh our self-value based on the things we own or the women we've conquered. All this and Sinbad! What more could someone want for the holidays?

Why It's Better Than You Thought:

An existential critique of what it means to be a father in a society that continues to symbolically castrate males as gender roles continue to blur. Arnold and Sinbad hold up a mirror to society and reflect our foibles and weaknesses right back at us. That's deep...

Best Quote:

Sinbad: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Our travels through time come to an end with not only one of the best time-traveling movies of all-time, but one of, if not THE BEST sci-fi action movie ever made.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a masterpiece of popcorn films. It should have won every Oscar ever made upon its release. Unfortunately, the Oscars are for pretentious bullshit, not kick-ass action movies with time-traveling robots. And although the storyline of the first Terminator is the only one of the franchise that makes sense, Terminator 2 takes everything that was awesome about the first movie and does it ten times awesomer.

First of all, taking the villain from the first movie and then making him the hero of the second...BRILLIANT! You've got this strange dynamic where now Sarah Connor has to trust the very machine that chased her around for an hour-and-a-half trying to kill her. That's awesome.

Then you make the machine that seemed so unstoppable in the first film a total underdog by creating an even more badass (and much creepier) machine in the T-1000. A liquid-metal robot that can replicate anyone, form blades and knives with its arms, and get shot, like, a bazillion times, even frozen and shattered, and just shake it off like nothing happened? Um, YES PLEASE! They couldn't even come up with a more bad-ass machine for the third film (The T-X, pa-leeze, bitch!) because the T-1000 maxed out on every possible bad-ass o' meter.

The special effects were not only good for the time, but they totally hold up even now more than two decades later. James Cameron was still using special effects to enhance movies at this time instead of just whoring them out as the entire reason for the movie's existence (Avatar, I'm looking at you!). Nothing looks cheesy, but it also doesn't look like a giant cartoon either.

The thing that really makes this film stand out is that not only are the action set pieces amazing (The chase with the dirt bike and the semi, the escape at the mental institution, the raid on Cyberdyne, EVERYTHING at the steel mill), but it has a depth that is totally unmatched in any other action film. The relationship between John and the Terminator is one of a father/son, and the metamorphosis of a machine that kills without remorse to a machine that realizes the value of human life is one of the great character arcs in all of cinema. When Arnold is being lowered into that molten lava, you're fighting back tears! For a goddamn machine! That's great story-telling.

Contrary to popular belief, it was James Cameron who made these movies great, not Arnold. You saw what happened in T-3 when Arnold is present and Cameron isn't (total trainwreck). The worst part is that the third movie totally cancels out EVERYTHING that happened in the second film...which is a shame because it's the third film that someone should travel back in time to prevent.

I only have one complaint about T-2, and it's something that bothers me every single time I watch it. After the T-800 terminates the T-1000 in the lava and we've all just witnessed one of the great action movies of our time, Arnold (in a totally ad-libbed scene) approaches John and Sarah and delivers one of the WORST lines in cinematic history. He says, "I need a vacation." WHAT?! Why would a machine even know what a vacation is?! Why would he even need one?! He can't get tired, he doesn't know what relaxation is! A vacation?! Cameron, how could you let that one slide! BAH!

But other than that, it's awesome...

Why It's Awesome:

Two time-traveling robots, a totally bad-ass Linda Hamilton in a wife-beater, and a kid in a movie who isn't a whiny bitch. What a movie!

Best Line That Hasn't Become a Total Cliché:

T-800: I know now why you cry...but it is something I can never do.

Total Recall (1990)

"TWO WEEKS!"

I've had a bad taste in my mouth ever since reviewing Running Man, which is easily one of my least favorite Arnold flicks, mainly because I'm a huge Arnold mark, but, c'mon, those fucking tight-ass jumpsuits? There are some things of Arnold I just don't want to see.

But Total Recall? This is Arnold and sci-fi done right. Most of Arnold's best movies fall into the sci-fi genre (Predator, Terminator, Total Recall) with the exception of Commando (the greatest over-the-top action movie of all time).

"TWO WEEKS!"

Let's do the action movie checklist:

Arnold...CHECK!

Hot-ass 80's slut (Sharon Stone)...CHECK!

Arnold using a guy as a human shield for an inordinate amount of time...CHECK!

A chick with three tits...CHECK!

Some gross Siamese fetus who lives in another's dude's chest...CHECK!

Arnold killing a guy with a giant drill...CHECK!

Arnold saying cool stuff when he kills someone ("See you at the party, Richter!")...CHECK!

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty sweet-ass rundown. This is what a sci-fi action movie should be. And the special effects? For 1990, they don't get much better than this. In the first scene when the glass on Arnold's helmet breaks and his neck muscles contract and his eyes bulge out of his head, you're all like, "Oh, man, that's awesome. Look at his eyes. They're all bulgy and shit."

Unfortunately, this movie is often overshadowed by James Cameron's sci-fi action masterpiece Terminator 2, but give Total Recall its due. This is Arnold at his best and a perfect example of why when it came to 90's action flicks, Arnold was the king.

Why It's Awesome: Action, adventure, mystery, and a mutant chick with three tits. Plus, the story ain't bad for a sci-fi flick. Was the entire adventure real or nothing more than the wet dream of a lobotimized Quaid? Hmmm...maybe too deep for an Arnold flick.

Best Quote:

Mars Customs Agent: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Excuse me?

Quaid in Disguise: TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEKS! TWWWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEKSSSSS!

The Running Man (1987)

Trust me, we're only a few years away from seeing The Running Man as an actual reality show. All you'd have to do is add murder into The Amazing Race and you'd be there. This quote from Killian is great:

"This is television. It has nothing to do with people, it's to do with ratings!"

Perfect. Television nowadays is absolute dogshit and it has everything to do with trying to get as many stupid people to sit and stare at a magical picture box for as long as possible. That's why I prefer movies. Movies end. Television doesn't. After one shitty show there's another and another and another.

But I digress.

The Running Man is one of Arnold's worst action outings of the 80's. The movie is just so fucking cheesy and the one liners don't make ANY sense whatsoever. Check this out:

Arnold kills an Asian hockey player (HUH?!) named Sub-zero by wrapping barbed wire around his neck and then says, "Killian, here's your Sub-zero...now plain zero." Terrible...just terrible (and by terrible I don't mean in a terribly EPIC Commando-way, I mean it's just fucking stupid.) And seriously, how many Asians play ice hockey?

And here's where this movie really fails: It's called The Running Man and it stars Arnold...what?! Arnold doesn't run from danger, he runs over it and stomps on its esophagus. The entire movie is him running around a garbage dump wearing a full-size body condom and looking like a sopping wet vagina as he complains about the Uplink. The big showdown is him vs. a game show host. I'm sorry, Arnold, but you've had better days.

Why It Doesn't Completely Suck: Say what you will about the action, but you can't deny that Arnold's little minority love interest looks hot in that little black nightie. Arnold liked his women spicy and ethnic in his action flicks. The Running Man, Predator, and Total Recall all have Arnold eating tacos...

Best Quote:

Arnold: I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!