The Expendables (2010)

Here's the greatest premise for a movie ever: stick every kick-ass action star in a single movie and have them kill things.

DONE.

As a fan of uber-ridiculous action flicks of the 80s and 90s, The Expendables served as the perfect escape from lame modern action abortions littered with CGI bullshit...or basically anything directed by Michael Bay. Leave it to Sly Stallone to assemble the greatest line-up of action stars in a single movie (sans the sequel). The Expendables would totally slice through The Avengers or The Justice League easier than Arnold throwing a pipe through some pussy wearing chain mail.

And the names of these guys? The character names in this movie make Shakespeare look like Katy Perry song lyrics:

Jason Statham = Lee Christmas
Jet Li = Yin Yang (racist)
Dolph Lundgren = Gunnar Jensen
Randy Couture = Toll Road (what?)
Terry Crews = Hale Caesar (clever...)
Steve Austin = Paine (they just gave up)

The plot of the movie is pointless and awesome. Sly falls for some chick who is trying to save her small island country from her corrupt dictator father and a rogue CIA agent. So he and the rest of the badass crew travel to the island, spend a half hour planting plastic explosives at the capital, get the chick's father killed, blow up most of the island, and murder half of the entire country's population.

You're welcome, bitch.

It's a good thing this movie kicks ass and features showdowns between Jet Li vs. Ivan Drago and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Rambo because there are certain parts that simply don't make any sense. There's the totally pointless love story between Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter, who, although hot, does not get naked and serves no logical purpose in the film. There's the pointless story tangent of Jet Li complaining about needing more money. For what? Who knows...

But the BEST and LEAST LOGICAL part of the movie is the fact that Ivan Drago betrays the rest of the team, tries to murder Jet Li, and then gets shot in the heart by Rocky Balboa. Not only does Ivan Drago survive the bullet to the heart, but then Sly and the gang FORGIVE HIM at the end. Does it make sense? No. But who gives a shit? Five guys defeat an entire country so let's not think about this too hard.

Oh, and the biggest badass in the entire movie?

Terry Crews' automatic shotgun/grenade launcher.

Why It's Awesome: Do I even need to explain how hard I jizzed in my pants when Sly, Arnold, and Bruce Willis all crammed their steroid-riddled bodies onto a single screen? If an explanation is necessary, the answer is HARD! I jizzed hard.

Best Quote:

Church (talking to Arnold and Sly): You two aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are ya?