Red Dawn (1984)

In honor of the rapedown the original Red Dawn is taking this weekend at the box office via its truly awful modern remake, I'm reposting my Red Dawn review.

Hollywood should just give up on these 80s remakes. The 80s was a magical time when everyone was on coke and had perms and its glory can never be recaptured...EVER! The reason the original worked was because, at the time, Russia invading the United States was at least a possibility. Unfortunately for the remake, no one believes the NORTH KOREANS could ever successfully invade the United States. I am more afraid of Canada invading than North Korea. Why didn't they just keep the Chinese as the invaders? China is the only country in the world capable of a successful invasion of the United States. North Korea...PLEASE!

Here's the original review:
World War III has broken out and the Communist forces land and attack the most dangerous strategic American stronghold they can find...a redneck high school. The movie is infamous for being the first PG-13 movie in cinematic history and it earns that rating...with a vengeance! Within the first five minutes of the film, the Communists shoot up a school, kill a black teacher, and shoot up a bunch of 80's cars. They're totally badass! And apparently, nearly half of their arsenal is RPG's. I'm telling you, these Commies fire RPG after RPG after RPG and then the Wolverines steal their weapons and THEY'RE firing RPG after RPG after RPG. Nothing but kickass explosions for two hours...80'S STYLE!!!

And then, with the Communists in complete control, the only people who can fight back for America are...a bunch of redneck high school kids. And here's where the movie fully surrenders itself to the ridiculous. This group of teens, which, granted, contains Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Jeanie Bueller, and Lea "I fucked a Duck" Thomson, totally pwn the entire communist army. Why do these guys who successfully invade the United States suck so terribly at fighting that they can't even eradicate a couple of teenagers? The Wolverines don't suffer a single casualty until almost halfway through the movie.

And that's why this movie is the most ridiculous piece of Pro American propaganda bullshit ever. I'm sure Reagan was the executive producer of this thing. Basically this movie's message is that even if the communists SOMEHOW would have successfully invaded America, the American people would rise up and defeat the evil invaders.

Well, let me tell you, I hope in the remake the Chinese invade and, like real Americans, the Wolverines just sit on their ass and do jack shit because that's exactly what would happen. If we were invaded, America would not rise up and defeat its invaders. No, instead, it would roll over and die like an old dog welcoming death. America has no fight left in it. We our a 500 obese man watching Jerry Springer on the sofa. That's America in the New Millennium.

WOLVERINES!!!
Why It's Awesome: Shit blows up nearly every 30 seconds.

Best Line:
Colonol: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid.
Robert: It keeps me warm.