L.A. Confidential (1997)

Wow. What a great movie.

Unfortunately L.A. Confidential debuted in 1997, the year James Cameron ruined the film industry with that boat movie, and it never received the attention it deserved (the Oscar for best film) and even now, it's largely forgotten when people discuss the best movies of the 90s.

The movie takes place in the 50s when police in LA just walked around beating the shit out of people, toting shotguns, getting drunk on duty, and blamed all the crimes on blacks and Mexicans...well, technically I guess that could be any decade but in the 50s no one cried about it. The movie revolves around a mass murder at a cafe involving an ex-cop, Hollywood prostitution, and police corruption and explores the idea of how far you can go in the name of justice before becoming the monster you were trying to protect the public from.

The cast is unbelievable. You could never get the three main actors in the same movie today...mainly because Russell Crowe would beat the shit out of the other two. Guy Pearce (of Momento fame) plays Ed Exley, a young cop with a strong sense of morality climbing the ranks of the police force. The always amazing Kevin Spacey (How good was this guy in the 90s?) plays Detective Jack Vincennes, a sleazy cop more interested in getting his picture taken than upholding the law. And finally we have the angriest man in Hollywood, Russell Crowe, playing Bud White, a pissed off musclehead cop with a special penchant for whipping ass...so basically he's playing himself.

The supporting cast is just as solid with Danny DeVito, James Cromwell (in a role far removed from his Babe role), and a very hot Kim Basinger all lending their talents to the film.

The movie is violent, sexy, and reveals Los Angeles for the cesspool of crime, drugs, corruption, and prostitution that it is. The acting is solid all around and all the characters are flawed in interesting ways. It's the kind of solid historical crime drama that was abundant in the late 90s but in short supply nowadays. If only Russell Crowe hadn't gotten so fat...

Why It's Awesome: The movie makes you think about the time period when cops pretty much did whatever they wanted in the name of justice. I'm sure a lot more innocent people were arrested and killed but justice was more immediate and remained protected from red tape and the flawed court systems. Was it better? Those are the kinds of questions that great films make us ask.
Best Quote:
Bud White: What do I get if I give you your balls back, you wop cocksucker? (Now that's a cop!)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

The 2012 summer movie season is well upon us with Hollywood blockbusters being shoved down our throats faster than a fat guy inhaling crab legs at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Looking back at last summer's movie buffet, the best movie of the crap paraded out was surprisingly, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which was a surprise considering how much it had working against it:

1) It's a remake and a reboot (which are almost exclusively craptactular)
2) It relies heavily on CGI
3) Its main human star is James Franco

But it takes all those items that should have been detriments and turns them into positives. Yes, it's a reboot, but the story focuses on in-depth character development (of a genetically-mutated ape, no less) and ties into the original series with subtle allusions that never detract from the movie's story or pound us over the head screaming, "THIS IS A PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE!"

All the apes are CGI, which would usually be an instant boner-killer for me, but this is the kind of movie that couldn't be made without CGI. Humans in costumes would look silly and there's no way you could get actual apes to express the kinds of complex emotions and intelligent thought that Caesar is capable of. Plus this is one of those rare occasions where puppets are not the best way to go. The CGI certainly doesn't look perfect (it never does) but the story is good enough that you get lost in it and don't care, which is how it should be.

Yes, James Franco does star in the movie, but he's certainly not the movie's main character. In fact, Franco, mercifully, appears in the latter half of the film only sparingly (he's awful in this by the way). No, top billing goes to Andy Serkis, who portrays (through motion-capture tech) Caesar, the revolutionary monkey, and, in doing so, makes this the first live-action film to focus on a CGI main character. Caesar is more sympathetic and interesting than any human character in any film I saw last year. How Serkis does not have an Oscar is beyond me. He should have one for playing Gollum and he should have at least been nominated here as well.

It's the writing that really makes this the best movie of last summer. The rise of the apes parallels the rise of the slaves in the south and you want them to be victorious over the humans. You feel bad for them and the humans come across as real assholes. The movie does an excellent job of explaining how apes can defeat humans who are armed with guns and set in motion the events that will eventually lead to apes becoming the dominant species on the planet.

The only flaw is the ending in which James Franco does not die, thus making it possible for him to reappear in the unavoidable sequel. Damn you, stinking dirty James Franco! Damn you!

Why It's Awesome: This movie stands as proof that CGI does not a good movie make (Did you hear that George Lucas?). The basis of film has always been and will always be storytelling and filmmakers need to accept that fact that CGI is meant to enhance a story, not replace it.

Best Quote:

Dodge Landon: (channeling Charlton Heston) Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

What can one say about one of the greatest films ever made?

The opening scene with Indy and Dr. Octopus traversing the booby-trapped cave in their attempt to retrieve the golden idol alone is better than most feature-length films. Then you've got the market place stunt-palooza, the Well of Souls sequence, the fist fight with the German around the spinning airplane, the Jeep chase, and the best claymation-exploding-head sequence ever filmed!

Instead of pointing out the awesomeness of everything that is so obviously awesome, I'd rather discuss what makes Indiana Jones the single greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!). Check that. What I really want to talk about is why Indiana Jones makes all modern film heroes look like total pussies.

First of all, Indiana Jones is a man. That sounds simplistic, but there's a big difference between an 80s film man and an oughts film man. Indiana Jones liked to do two things: fight and fuck (not particularly in that order). The problem with modern film heroes is that now they have to be all deep or emotionally-damaged or suffer from some haunted past, but all it does is make them come across as emo bitch boys.

The only emotion a true man should ever feel is horniness.

This bitch boy movement is perfectly illustrated by comparing early James Bond (Sean Connery) to contemporary James Bond (Daniel Craig). Early James Bond was suave, he was witty, he could throw down, he had cool lasers and shit, and he was a walking hard-on. Modern James Bond is all brooding and dark and needs a shitload of therapy. I don't care if he's more like the character in the book or more "fully realized." I don't need him to be "fully realized" to enjoy watching him kick ass for an hour-and-a-half (See also modern Batman).

Next, Indiana Jones is many things, but one thing he is not is an asshole. Modern heroes are huge douchebags. Take Tony Stark of Iron Man fame. Stark comes across as a total asshole, but he's funny so people like him. Why do people like assholes?

Jones and Bond, like Stark, are both confident womanizers, but they never come across as assholes. They're both guys who are going to get the job done by any means necessary and they're always fighting for some greater purpose, never for their own glorification. I think as society has become more self-centered and selfish, that idea of someone who fights for something larger than themselves has gone the way of the dodo...which is sad.

Finally, Indiana Jones has that Everyman quality to him that truly separates him from other heroes of the era. He's not as over-the-top as Arnold. Sure he fights the entire Nazi army by himself, but before he manages to claim the ark he's buried alive with snakes, beaten up by a Nazi twice his size, shot, thrown through a windshield, and dragged behind a moving vehicle at high speeds whereas Arnold kills people without even firing his gun (Commando, anyone?). Indiana Jones is just a normal guy who knows how to get the job done without his hat ever falling off!

The only thing Indiana Jones ever failed at was fathering Shia LaDouche.

BURN!