Fight Club (1999)

Every cinephile has a favorite movie. Fight Club is mine.

I read Chuck Palahnuk's novel after watching the movie, expecting the novel to blow the movie out of the water. You know what? It didn't. It's one of the few movies that completely dominates the book. That's something special right there.

The first rule of fight club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club...

A lot of people (n00bs, mostly) believe Fight Club is an action movie; these people couldn't be further from the truth. Fight Club is a philosophical movie; it SAYS something. There aren't too many movies that say something meaningful. American Beauty says something, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind says something, but no movie better critiques the 20th Century than Fight Club.

A lot of people don't get Fight Club. The entire movie is a statement on the over-civilization of modern man. The basic instincts of the modern male are useless in our modern society where life is easy and survival all but guaranteed. Man no longer finds the need to challenge himself. Once upon a time there were tigers to eat us and rival clans to fight for land, food, and women. Those things defined us as males. Now we're defined by the tag on the clothes we wear, the kind of car we drive, or how large our flat-screen televisions are.

The things you own, end up owning you...

We've been transformed from warriors into consumers, buyers of things. Previous generations had wars to fight, depressions to overcome. What does this generation have to overcome? Finding the perfect bed skirting for our bedroom in our perfect, little townhome? Having a wife whose ass looks less fat than all our friends' wives? Our own mediocrity?

We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world...

That's why Fight Club is a great movie - my favorite. This is the opposite of The Avengers. This movie is not a t-shirt. This movie is not a lunchbox or an action figure or a spin-off television show. This movie is an idea, a philosophy, a reflection of our society at the end of the century. This movie explains why young men walk into movie theaters and elementary schools with guns and shoot up the place. When you create a hollow country with no soul based solely on buying shit, we can't be surprised when people treat human beings like "things."

Now that's a fucking movie...

Why It's Awesome: If nothing else, it's one of the few movies that is better than the book...but it's so, so much more. In Tyler we trust.

Best Quote:

Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

When people talk about classic Christmas movies, they always mention film like Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'd like to add another film to the conversation: the holiday classic, Jingle All the Way starring Aaaarnold Schwarzenegger and (sigh...) Sinbad.

Now, on the surface, this movie may just appear to be another holiday cash-in with a nonsensical plot, atrocious acting, horrendous slapstick humor, and the stupid kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, but in actuality it's a deep allegory attacking the corrupt materialistic nature of our modern-day society. Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

Jingle All the Way is about a work-obsessed father (Arnold) who forgets to buy his son the must-have gift of the holiday season (Turbo Man). So Arnold has to venture out on Christmas Eve to battle the hordes of shoppers for the one toy that will cancel out an entire year of neglect and win his son's love. Standing between him and his son's affection is a psychotic mailman (the master thespian, Sinbad) who challenges Arnold at every opportunity.

A n00b may look at this film as just another Arnold comedy abortion (Junior, anyone?), but the goal was to critique society as much as it was to display Arnold and Sinbad's masterful acting chops. Arnold represents the modern father, more interested in working ("You're my number one customer!") than connecting with his child. He believes that buying his son a favorite toy will make his child believe he is a good father. Thus, things = love. Instead of spending Christmas Eve with his family, making memories and enjoying each other's company, Arnold spends the entire day doing battle in the coliseum of commercialism. This is what love has become in our modern society.

Phil Hartman, the creepy divorced neighbor who wants to bang Arnold's wife (which is ballsy) represents the protagonist's foil. Unlike Arnold, he is a stay-at-home dad type who bakes cookies, shares recipes, shops early, and rents reindeer (What?). But although it seems like this arch-type represents a better example of what it means to be a father, he is just as flawed as Arnold's workaholic stereotype. His motives are flawed. He only does these things as a means to banging the neighborhood women. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. His "good dad" façade is a means to meet is most base desires. For him, pussy = love.

Thus, Jingle All the Way is not just another holiday slapstick comedy but a critique of what it means to be a father in a society where things = love and we weigh our self-value based on the things we own or the women we've conquered. All this and Sinbad! What more could someone want for the holidays?

Why It's Better Than You Thought:

An existential critique of what it means to be a father in a society that continues to symbolically castrate males as gender roles continue to blur. Arnold and Sinbad hold up a mirror to society and reflect our foibles and weaknesses right back at us. That's deep...

Best Quote:

Sinbad: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!

Bladerunner (1982)

Sci-fi is usually a popcorn flick genre. What sets Blade Runner apart from every single other sci-fi movie ever made (and that is not an exaggeration) is that it is DEEP. This future noire movie is less about robots and a dystopian world as it is about life and death and deep questions like "What does it mean to be human?" and "What happens to us when we die?"

In the year 2019, most humans have moved off-planet to colony planets where replicants (basically humanoid androids) wait on their human masters. Six replicants escape a colony and illegally return to earth (where everything is dirty and shitty). A retired blade runner (a cop who hunts replicants) named Deckard is thrown back into the fray and ordered to hunt down and eliminate the renegade robots.

This could have just been a standard man vs. machine sci-fi romp, but there's a reason it's a cult classic. The humans in the movie are presented as being uncaring, mechanical beings while the replicants are loving, emotional beings obsessed with their own self-preservation. The replicants are built with only a four-year lifespan and emotions and memories so they break into their creator's home and beg him for longer lifespans. When he's not into it, the head replicant straight-up murders his ass and delivers a philosophical diatribe in the climactic final battle with Deckard.

This is a far cry from his Indiana Jones character for Harrison Ford. Whereas IJ is a badass pimp, Decker is a tired, emo bitch. He spends the entire movie getting his ass kicked by the replicants. Ford is certainly serviceable in the role, but the real star of the film is Rutger Hauer in his role as the head replicant, Roy Batty. The character's motivation is simple: he wants to live. There is no more basic or relatable issue.

The thing everyone talks about with Blade Runner is the ambiguous ending and the question, Is Deckard a replicant? The answer is...he was not. Ridley Scott can try to retcon the ending all he wants, but it doesn't make any sense if Deckard is a replicant. First of all, it totally ruins the whole man vs. machine theme. But here's the real smoking gun: Deckard...is a sopping wet pussy. All the replicants are super fast and super agile and super strong. Deckard is a super puss. He gets beat down the entire movie. If he was a replicant, he'd be a total BA...not a chump. Controversy resolved.

This really is one of those films that any respectable cinephile must see. This is sci-fi as art. This is on par with the original Aliens (although good for totally different reasons) in terms of quality. It asks important questions. The special effects are amazing but don't try to overshadow the story or the acting. It's a GOOD movie. Wish they made more of those these days...

Why It's Awesome:

A shitty future. Robots. Product placement. It seems like a dozen other sci-fi movies, but this one is better. Trust me.

Best Quote:

Batty: All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Sharknado (2013)

Sometimes two ideas come together to create the perfect storm...or in this case, a SHARKNADO!

Sharks + Tornado = SHARKNADO!!!

I don't have cable and I rarely miss it, but one channel I do miss having is the wonderfully cheesy SyFy channel (What the hell is with that spelling, by the way?). And the main reason for my regret are movies like Sharknado. I'm not sure why people don't understand this, but Sharknado is not meant to be a "good" movie. It's a purposely "bad" movie. It's supposed to be an entertaining bad movie where viewers enjoy how horrible it is (about 75% of bad movies involve sharks in some way, shape, or form). So saying things like "It was horrible" is actually a compliment.

Now Sharknado has gotten the most press of any "bad" movie in the history of bad movies. It actually made the mainstream news. But, as a bad movie aficionado (I would rather watch a great bad movie than a great good movie) I will be the judge of whether or not it's worth the attention. So...is it? The answer...is no. It's a good bad movie, but it's not bad enough to be a great bad movie.

As far as casting goes, they nailed it. The movie stars Ian Ziering who was a B-squad member of the original 90210 cast and Tara Reid (who used to be in legitimate movies) and then a bunch of horrible actors. By the way, Tara Reid does NOTHING in this movie...nothing. They could replace her with a blow-up doll and it would make absolutely NO difference. Tara's acting is as realistic as the sharks...which look god-awful!

The plot is perfect, too. Hurricanes off the coast of LA are forming tornadoes that are picking up man-eating sharks and throwing them all over the city. The key to a good bad movie is to have a ridiculous concept but then play it completely straight. The plot of Sharknado makes sense...until it doesn't. During the Sharknado, Ian ventures through the shark-infested streets to save his estranged children. That part makes sense.

The part that doesn't make sense is after he saves his children, they then feel obligated to STOP THE SHARKNADOES...which crosses the line from stupid to retarded. If a tornado breaks out, no one feels compelled to stop it. You just hunker down and wait it out. Not so here. In this case, Ian's son and his hot slut bartender (who transitions from liking him to liking his son by the end of the movie...what?) decide to stop the sharknados by...(wait for it)...dropping bombs into the funnels. That's right, they BLOW UP THE SHARNADOS! That's bad movie logic for you.

The ending does produce an epic bad movie moment, however, one that will live in infamy in the annals of bad movie history. After blowing up the final sharknado, a giant shark flies through the air at Ian Zeiring (who is conveniently holding a chainsaw). It swallows him whole and then Ian cuts his way out with the chainsaw...EPIC!

So it sounds like a good bad movie, but here's the catch-22 of bad movies. Bad movies are like insane people. Truly insane people don't know that they're insane. Likewise, you can't set out to make a bad movie; the best bad movies are movies made that are meant to be good. As much press as Sharknado received, it isn't even close to being in the bottom five of worst bad movies. It's not even in the same league as classics like Troll 2, Birdemic, or The Room. Hell, I think Sharktopus was a better bad movie.

Still, I'll be looking forward to the sequel: Sharknado 2: The Second One. Maybe it will be worse...which would make it much better.

Why It's Awful:

First of all, why are only sharks in the tornados? If the tornados are strong enough to pick up marine life, shouldn't there be other sea creatures in the funnels? And why are the sharks so aggressive? Wouldn't they be scared or confused? And does Tara Reid have a soul? Or was that removed when she had her breasts done?

Best Quote:

Baz [looking at a pool of water red with blood]: Looks like it's that time of the month!

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

All the best movies about life as a teenager in high school were made in the 80s. Most people will claim The Breakfast Club is he pinnacle of the genre, but, to me, it's a two-horse race. Although The Breakfast Club is a better movie, in my humble opinion Fast Times at Ridgemont High captures what it means to be a teenager in real life better than any other movie ever made.

Here's why I give it the nod over "Da Club." Whereas Breakfast Club depicts something that would never happen in real life (members of different social cliques coming together to discover a mutual understanding), Fast Times is just incoherent, random nonsense full of humor and frontal nudity...and that's EXACTLY what being a teenager is all about.

There's a couple intertwining storylines going on here:

There's Brad Hamilton, a senior who has it made in the shade - girlfriend, a sweet job, and even a car. Then he gets fired, loses his girlfriend, and gets caught whacking it by the girl whom he's whacking it, too...the worst scenario possible.

There's Brad's younger sister, Stacy, a sophomore who takes whoring lessons from her older friend, Linda (the hot, hot, hot Phoebe Cates) who ends up getting pregnant and gets an abortion from a drive-thru clinic...thus learning nothing about the dangers of whoring around.

There's Mark Ratner who has a boner for Stacy, but she's about the only guy she isn't banging. He gets advice from his friend, Damone (a premature ejaculator), who ends up banging and knocking up Stacy instead.

Oh, and then there's legendary Jeff Spicoli, a surfer stoner who has a year-long grudge with his history teacher, the also legendary Mr. Hand.

The film covers a lot of ground including such hot teenage topics as losing one's virginity, dating, battling teachers, shitty high school jobs, getting into fights with friends, getting stoned, and abortion. There's really no point to the movie...which is the best statement there could be about being a teenager.

I realized I had never seen this movie other than the edited television version when I watched it on DVD and got drenched in the torrential downpour of nudity. I've always been aware of the infamous Phoebe Cates fantasy sequence (a boner jam worthy scene if there ever was one), but that Stacy chick is naked throughout the ENTIRE movie. Full frontal, too.

Man, I miss being a teenager...

Why It's Awesome:

The inane hodge-podge of teenage stories captures the true pointlessness of being a teenager...even BETTER than any John Hughes movie.

Best Quote:

Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Halloween (1978)

The scariest Halloween movie ever made is...you guessed it...HALLOWEEN!

Without Halloween, there is no Jason or Freddy or any of the other dozen of slashers that would follow in the footsteps of the one true psychotic silent murderer, Michael Myers! John Carpenter's low-budget masterpiece spread its legs and gave birth to the entire genre. And even 30 years later with dozens of sequels and remakes under its belt, the original is STILL one of the scariest movies ever made.

I can't overemphasis how little money was used to create this horror masterpiece. I think the total budget was a little over $12. Jamie Lee Curtis was an unknown at the time and worked for a case of Activia while the now iconic Michael Myers mask was a $2 William Shatner mask that the crew bought and painted white and dyed the hair (which makes William Shatner the father of modern horror...who knew, right?). It just goes to show that you can make a quality film without a billion-dollar budget and all the latest special effects (I'm looking at you Avengers and Avatar).

I've mentioned this before with some of the other horror classics, but what separates Halloween from the turd sandwich horror movies made in the modern era is the mood. It possesses a quality that no modern movie has: patience. The body count is miniscule by today's standards. The deaths are simple and unimaginative. There's barely any blood or gore at all. And yet it's STILL scary as hell. Carpenter does the subtle things so well. The movement of shadows on the wall, the rise and fall of the music as a character crosses a deserted street. You feel actual tension while watching it, and Carpenter lets it build and build and build and then he finally delivers with the pay-off. Beautiful...

I also love how enigmatic the character of Michael Myers was in that first movie. He's not presented as being a supernatural menace like Freddy or an unstoppable monster like Jason. He's a man who possesses pure evil deep in the abyss of his blackened soul. He can be hurt. He's stabbed in the eye by a hanger and he bleeds. But when Dr. Loomis finally catches up with him and shoots him five times in the chest, sending him tumbling over the second-story railing to the ground below, his body...disappears. That's how you create a truly creepy antagonist. You keep the audience guessing.

This movie also gave birth to several horror clichés (including if you're a hot teenage chick who takes a babysitting gig you're pretty much dead), but my favorite has to be the virgins live/sluts die rule. Carpenter claims it was a complete coincidence that all the whores died in the movie (he claims Laurie was more observant because she was less focused on her vagina and more aware of her surroundings), but it also stands as an interesting piece of fundamentalist propaganda. Laurie literally defeats Michael with her virginity. Pew! Pew! Choke on my lack of sex, bitch!

Why It's Awesome: Michael Myers is part of the holy trinity of slasher antagonists (along with Freddy and Jason).  He's the most refined of the three, and his original tale (the 1978 flick, not Rob Zombie's abortion where he make Michael into a huge, hulking man-beast) is the best film of the three movie franchises.

Best Quote:

Dr. Loomis: I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil. 

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy's coming for you...

In the realm of horror movie serial killers, Freddy Krueger is king. Besides the mask they wear, is there really any difference between Jason and Michael Myers? They stalk you silently with a machete or kitchen knife...boring. But no one can kill a motha fucker with as much flare as child murderer, Fred Krueger.

Horror cinephiles will always lean on the argument that Freddy isn't as scary as his murderous counterparts because of his cheesy one-liners and ridiculous kill scenarios. To that I say, Watch the original Nightmare and you tell me how many quips Freddy delivers. The dude is straight-up terrifying in that first movie! Let's just get this out of the way: Every movie in the series (with the exception of Craven's New Nightmare) is total shit. And that's mainly because Freddy becomes a total comedy act in the sequels.

In the original, Freddy is a straight-up badass. He's barely even in the movie, but when he is, he's swallowing Johnny Depp into a bed and vomiting a blood tsunami all over the ceiling (best death scene EVER!). I want you to think about this...really think about it: Fred Krueger is a child murderer, hunted down and burned alive by a group of pissed off parents in the neighborhood who comes back and kills teens...IN THEIR DREAMS! There's no escape. The dude's not even real. You HAVE to sleep and when you do, he'll get you. Wes Craven is a sick, sick man.

Similar to the original Friday the 13th, what the original Nightmare does so well is tone and mood. I still remember watching the scenes as a child of the smoke-filled boiler room where Freddy dwelt and being totally creeped out beyond belief. His burnt-off face and knife gloves...terrifying. You did NOT want that guy showing up in your dreams. You'd take walking into bio class in your underwear any day of the damn week.

With all that being said, it's certainly not a perfect movie by any means. The acting is fairly atrocious...which is pretty much on par with most horror movies of the era. Some of the effects even for the day were kind of cheesy and looking back look really pretty awful. And I've always been a little miffed by the fact that Wes pussied out and made Freddy a "child killer" instead of the more appropriate "child molester." A small thing but I think it would really crank up Freddy's creep factor. He could molest and kill the kids and get the best of both worlds.

Still, despite the flaws and the eventual slip into Cheese City, I'll still take Freddy over Jason or even Michael Myers any day of the week (even if it's Friday the 13th). There's a reason why Freddy was the bad guy in Freddy vs. Jason instead of that hockey mask-wearing robot. He is a true Rembrandt of serial killing.

Nine, ten, never sleep again...

Why It's Awesome:

It's Freddy. 'Nough said.

Best Quote:

Rod: I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina. Had your name written all over it.
Tina: There's four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?

Carrie (1976)

Carrie is the latest movie that was done well the first time that filmmakers have decided would be best to add shitty CGI effects to and roll out a much lousier version to a modern-day audience.

The first movie is great. It's got that 70's grittiness to it. Sissy Spacek looks like an ugly loser who bitchier girls would throw tampons at. She looks the part (although she doesn't look too bad sitting naked in that tub). And the woman who plays Carrie's mother? Oh my God! That woman is AMAZING! She looks absolutely loony tune insaaaaaaaaane! It looks like they dragged that woman out of an insane asylum and told her she was going to be in a major motion picture. And I don't know who found that creepy Jesus-with-an-afro they use in the movie, but holy shit! Give that man a raise!

The original does all the small things right. The house where the Whites live? Dilapidated and shitty. The music? Creepy and moody. The nudity? Plentiful! In fact, Knocked Up identifies this film as one of he rare films that include opening credit boobs and bush. That's amazing - but appropriate. If we're panning through a girls' locker room, I better see some girls comparing breast size and grooming each other's pubes. That's a true reflection of reality.

The new version? Oh please, where do I even begin? First of all, the chick who ruined Let The Right One In (watch the foreign Norwegian version or whatever it is) was cast as Carrie, and she isn't even ugly! She's the hottest chick in the whole movie! How is that supposed to work? Then they cast Julianne Moore as Mrs. White. FAIL! They tried to make her ugly, too, and totally failed. She just looks like she's acting crazy...not the same. But here's the most disturbing statistics:

# of vaginas = 0
# of breasts = 0

Zero! How can I watch a movie where the opening scene takes place in a girls' locker room and see ZERO lady bits?! That's bullshit!

You would think that with all the CGI updates, the epic prom scene would be much better in the 2k13 version of the film, but it's not. It looks cheesy and it's way too over-the-top (Carrie in this version is not only telekinetic but a full X-Man who can solder with her mind, fly, and predict the sex of unborn babies). I was hoping to see Carrie destroy the entire town like she does in the book, but the new version failed to improve on anything the original did.

The original is superior in every single way, even with bullying being such a huge issue in the news today. This story should touch a nerve with modern movie-goers, but that won't happen with a mediocre movie that basically just remakes the previous movie scene-by-scene. Plus, where the hell was John Travolta?

Why It's Awesome:

Whether it's the original or the lame remake, the message is clear: Be careful who you mess with because that person may have telekinetic powers who will burn your fuckin' school to the ground.

Best Quote:

Mrs. White: I can see your dirty pillows.

Friday the 13th (1980)

This month I'm reviewing classic horror movies in honor of Halloween.

We start with my least favorite of "The Big Three." The original Friday the 13th was never meant to give birth to 11 sequels (if you count the abortion, Jason X, and the mash-up Jason vs. Freddy). And like most horror series, the original is the BEST movie in the entire series. And guess what? Jason isn't even in the damn thing (or at least not as the hockey mask wearing serial killer we've all come to know and love).

Here's the story that any respectable horror fan already knows: a group of horny teenagers go to Crystal Lake to get the camp ready for the summer. The camp has had a string of bad luck over the years, including the death of a retarded kid named Jason who drowned in the lake while the counselors were totally doing it (everyone has their priorities). Jason's mom goes crazy and kills all the kids.

The thing that late 70s and early 80s movies did so right was atmosphere. The shitty resolution of the cameras actually helped to make the movie feel more real. The wooden acting made viewers think that any of us could be the good-looking kids getting hunted down at the camp in our underwear. And the music? Classic! The first-person kill perspective added a mystery element to the usual slasher formula, and, man, what a reveal! The killer is actually a crusty, old woman. What a twist! That's way scarier than a goon in a hockey mask. She'll play bingo, watch Murder She Wrote, and then slit your throat with a machete. Badass!

The kills in the original are basic and effective. There's some throat slashing, axes to the face, an archery range accident, and (my favorite) the 'ole arrow through Kevin Bacon's throat. They don't have to be fancy because it's not just about the kills. It's about suspense and building tension and atmosphere. Everything has to be so fucking fancy and over-the-top and complicated now because people are so desensitized to violence. That's why all these remakes fail. Jason can't shock us anymore. How many times can we watch a guy impale someone with a machete before we just don't care anymore? (Answer: three).

Here's the real question, though: If Jason died as a child, how does he grow into a huge, hulking beast adult serial killer? It doesn't make any sense. The second film tries to retcon the story and say Jason never died, but then why would Mrs. Voorhees be insane? Jason doesn't make any sense. And how can he catch up with his victims when they're running full-speed and he's meandering slowly after them? Can he teleport or something? And why doesn't he run? Is he a Romero zombie? I guess that's the problem I always had with the Jason series: it was just dumb. The first movie, though, was not. It's just a shame that everything that came after he original was mindless drivel.

Why It's Awesome: Some old bitch kills off a bunch of kids to avenge her retard kid who can't swim that well. If she just would have bought Jason some arm floaties, the whole mess could have been avoided.

Best Quote:

CHI CHI CHI HA HA HA! (It's supposed to be the Jason music)

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

I feel like this movie doesn't get the recognition it deserves.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (no question mark because question marks are bad luck in the film industry...for serious) marks one of the earliest and best attempts to combine animation and live action actors in a big-budget film. And you know what? It works. It's fairly flawless. If you think about what these actors did, saying their lines to tennis balls with faces painted on them, THIS MOVIE pretty much is a predecessor for every big-budget movie made today. There is no Avatar without Eddie Valiant and Roger Rabbit. So show some respect, sucka!

I still don't know who this movie was made for. Kids? Adults? It has cartoons so...kids? But it centers on a murder so...adults? There's plenty of slap-stick comedy so...kids? But the dialogue contains plenty of sexual innuendo so...adults? I honestly think anyone can enjoy this movie, and that's what the 80s was all about...that and coke...just mountains of coke.

After the initial novelty of seeing real actors interacting with cartoon characters wears off, what you're treated to is one of the best noir mystery period pieces ever filmed. Bob Hoskins plays Eddie Valiant, a drunk private eye who once worked the mean streets of Toon Town (the segregated neighborhood for the cartoon characters) with his brother until a toon dropped a safe on his bro's head. He's vowed never to work another toon case when he's caught up in the middle of a murder mystery where someone has framed toon star, Roger Rabbit, for the murder of Marvin Acme.

Was it his wife (who's been playing paddy-cake behind his back)? Or his baby co-star? Or the demented judge of Toon Town, Judge Doom? No, that's too obvious...oh wait...it is him? Well that makes sense. Judge Doom, who legitimately creeped me out as a kid, is played to perfection by Christopher Lloyd, who is as close to a cartoon character in real life as one can get. I love the fact that Judge Doom's "evil plan" to buy and shut down LA's trolley cars to force people to ride his new "freeway" is based on what actually happened in history. Genius...

So did anyone else pick up on the fact that the toons are supposed to be black people? Well, they definitely are. They're forced to live in their own section of town and dance like trained monkeys for the white man's entertainment. There's even a club where toons are banned unless they're servers or entertainers. They even have their own drinking fountains...I assume. RACISTS!

And finally, one can't discuss Who Framed Roger Rabbit without discussing the single most boner-inducing animated character (outside of Japanese anime) ever drawn: Jessica Rabbit. I was six when I first saw this movie. Back then I was too young to understand the effect this large-breasted redhead had on me, but all I knew was that she made me feel funny...in my pants. And she still does.

Why It's Awesome:

Think about how amazing this is: Disney characters and Warner Bros. characters IN THE SAME MOVIE! IN THE SAME FRAME! That would NEVER happen today. Two rival companies finding common ground for the good of an artistic project. Forget it. The 80s were a magical time.

Best Quote:

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way.

Old School (2003)

"You're my boy, Blue!"

Certain cinephiles have attempted to convince me that Old School doesn't hold up ten years later.

Those people are fucking idiots. This movie is STILL hilarious! Easily one of the top ten comedies of the New Millennium.

What a genius story: a couple of thirty-somethings start a fraternity where they do all the partying and none of the learning that one usually suffers in college. How many unhappy dudes in their thirties with kids and shitty jobs dream of just that? Booze? Sluts? Hazing rituals involving cinderblocks, rope, and a dude's wang?

Check, check, and check.

The cast is insane. This is the movie that put Will Ferrell on the cinematic map (before his whole shtick got old). Vince Vaughn was still transitioning into the comedy genre. And, personally, I've always enjoyed Luke Wilson's clueless everyman gimmick. Then you've got a perfect Circle of Life casting with Jeremy Piven playing the uptight dean in direct contrast to his earlier frat-boy-who-drives-the-dean-crazy casting in the underrated PCU. Oh, and whoever got Elisha Cuthbert to flaunt her sweet ass onscreen deserves a medal.

But the true test of the quality of a comedy is in its quote-worthiness. Let's do an Mitch-a-palooza quote-off!

"WE'RE GOIN' STREAKING!"

"Let me be the first to say congratulations then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

"Earmuffs!"

"Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low. HEY MIKE!"

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK!"

"Oh yeah. CHEEEEEE-EEEEEZE! Hey, didn't we lock you in a dumpster once?"

"No, it's cool, man. Bring your green hat!"

I'd say that's pretty legit. The best part is that the main protagonist undergoes no major character development, the love story is half-heartedly tacked on, and no non-slut female character spends more than two minutes onscreen at a time. Now that's a man movie!

Why It's Awesome:

Just stupid, frat humor with a cast of A-list comedians riffing for 90 minutes. Throughout the course of the movie, they condone statutory rape, binge drinking, cheating on formal tests, getting a divorce after only a month of marriage, blind-folded gang bangs, and solo streaking. How awesome was Pre-Recession America?

Best Quote:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know... I don't know if we'll have time!

Robocop (1987)

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

I just watched the theatrical trailer for the new Robocop (2014), and it's amazing how they can make any movie look decent in a trailer. What's even MORE amazing is that the new Robocop looks like shit even in the trailer...which is not a great sign of things to come.

Why mess with perfection? The original Robocop is a masterpiece of action sci-fi goodness. It's one of the few memorable films lacking a genuine movie star. It's also great social commentary and turned out to be quite prophetic.

Let's compare the two movies, basing the quality of the new movie solely on the trailer (which I think seems fair).

Background:

In the original, Detroit is a bankrupt city that has become a cesspool of crime where greedy corporations have taken over public services like the police and ruined them with their corporate bullshit. Umm...did they nail it or what? The new one is about drones or something. DUMB!

The Costume:

The original Robocop looked like a badass cyborg who would shoot you in the dick if you tried to rape a bitch. The new Robocop looks like a gay robot who rapes motorcycles.

The Bad Guys

The original features the corporate dickhead, Dick Jones, and...wait...is that Red from That 70s Show? That's awesome. Who's the new one got? Probably someone stupid. Wait...is that Michael Keaton? Wow...all right. I'm still going to give the edge to the original because it had Red. Booya!

The Violence

The original is one of the most violent action movie of the 80s. They had to tone it down just to avoid an X rating. Murphy's death is one of the most explicit deaths in cinema. He gets shot 347 times with shotguns while Red and the gang laugh their asses off. That sets the stage for a very personal journey of revenge. In the new PG-13 movie, Murphy "dies" in a car bomb...which is easily the LEAST personal way to die. Who does he want revenge on? The car? And, oh, by the way, a dude get drenched in acid and then hit by a car and he explodes...so violent and awesome.

So the answer is clear: The original is superior in every single way. You can throw in Gary Oldman or Samuel L. Jackson (who is in every single movie anyway), but none of that shit matters. You can't remake an action movie that already achieved awesomeness (Total Recall anyone?). They should just trash the entire movie. Don't waste your time.

Why It's Awesome:

A robot cop takes down corporate douchebags. One can dream...

Best Quote:

Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar!

Risky Business (1983)

When you were young and your parents went out of town, it was clear what had to be done: You had to recruit a gaggle of prostitutes and run a makeshift brothel out of your home that would specialize in the boning of underage teenagers.

That's the entire premise of Risky Business, a movie about greed, sex, and how naïve and stupid teenagers are compared to pimps and prostitutes. Everyone knows this as "the movie where Tom Cruise dances around in his tighty-whities," but it's actually a pretty deep (and prophetic) movie.

The premise is pretty ridiculous. Two parents leave their teenage son home alone for two weeks during the school year (what?) and he ends up hiring a heroine prostitute who convinces him to run a brothel out of the house for a night and make a shit ton of money...which she and her pimp then steal by jacking all his stuff and selling it back to him. Oh, but he still gets into Princeton because he got the interviewer blown. Well done, Tom.

My favorite part of this movie is Tom's crew. It's legendary. His best buddies include Booger from Revenge of the Nerds  ("When I was a little girl, my daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?" Call Misty!) and his accountant, Cousin Balkie Bartokomos of Perfect Strangers fame. Running with a crew like that, it's no wonder Tom Cruise becomes a pimp!

This movie doesn't get enough credit for how it basically predicted the next 25 years of moral depravity that would run rampant throughout American culture. This movie taught Tom's character, Joel, that the only thing that matters in life is making money and getting laid. He's even rewarded for his depravity by being accepted into Princeton (with a 3.1 GPA, might I add). What a perfect statement about the attitude that became America's motto until 2008: Make money by any means necessary. Forget morality, forget ethics, forget friendship or family. Money is all that matters.

And that's America...

Oh, and how hot is that sex scene on the train? Mmm. Hot. Nothing like banging a heroine-thin hooker on a subway while a hobo watches. Now that's...RISKY BUSINESS!

Why It's Awesome:

This movie shows how easy it is to accidentally become a pimp. Unfortunately, it also proves the oldest commandment is still the truest: PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!

Best Quote:

Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Battle Royale (2000)

If you enjoyed The Hunger Games...then you're a pussy.

Battle Royale is the Japanese predecessor that HG was totally ripped off from, and it kicks so much more ass than Jennifer Lawrence's totally weak bullshit, it makes the teenage murder in HG look like a friendly game of laser tag. No one knows how to do violence in the movie like the Japanese and this is their magna opus.

The storyline is almost identical to that of Hunger Games (and both were ripped off Stephen King's Running Man), but there are some subtle differences to the set-up. In a dystopia future, Japan's youth have grown disrespectful and violent. So, to teach them a lesson, a reality show has been created where 42 junior high students (21 with penises and 21 without) are dumped on an island and forced to fight to the death until only one remains. Now that's tough love!

The rules for the game are so much better in this movie, too. Instead of that horn-of-plenty bullshit Hunger Games has going on, each kid gets a backpack full of supplies and a random weapon ranging from uzis to katanas to a saucepan lid (ZONK!). Each contestant is also fitted with a collar so they can be tracked or randomly killed if things get boring. Every six hours certain sections of the island turn into random "instant death zones" so it keeps the contestants moving. The best part is that if there isn't a winner after three days, they just kill all the kids! How awesome is that?

Because there are so many contestants, most of them are just fodder for the gratuitous violence, but there are a couple main characters. The two main protagonists are a boy/girl combo who try to keep each other alive by teaming up with this badass kid who was a previous winner of the show and returned to figure out the mystery of why his girlfriend tried to kill him at the end of their game and then smiled after he killed her (it doesn't really make any sense). The BEST character, though, is this totally insane redhead kid who actually volunteered to be on the show just because he's a hardcore psycho! This kid is so badass. He kills, like, half the contestants, and he doesn't utter a single word throughout the entire movie. There's also this hardcore slut who is pretty badass, too.

The only problem with the movie is that, because it's a Japanese film, there are a lot of Asians in it (makes sense). The problem with that, though, is that I discovered that I'm not very good with telling Asians apart from each other. I'm telling you, all these kids looked EXACTLY the same and they were all wearing the same school uniform so it was impossible to tell who was who. I kept thinking the two main characters had been killed, but then it would turn out to be two other Asians. I thought they died five different times in the movie only to discover them walking around in the next scene. They should have color-coded each actor for the convenience of a Western audience, just a magenta splash right on the forehead so I can properly keep track of the carnage.

This move was too hardcore to be released in theaters, but you can check it out on Netflix instant streaming. Just be warned, after you watch it, you won't be able to watch Hunger Games or any of its stupid sequels ever again because they will just seem so goddamn pathetic. Seriously. Those Japs know how to kill a 12-year old girl like a boss.

Why It's Awesome:

It's Hunger Games but it shows how that shit would ACTUALLY go down with axes to the head and scythes to the jugular and arrows to the heart. Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence's wooden acting is not present. Another plus.

Best Quote:

Chigusa: Shouldn't you be worried about your life instead of that useless micropenis of yours? 

What About Bob? (1991)

Sometimes you watch a movie as an adult that you enjoyed as a kid and realize the movie is actually dog shit. This is exactly the case here. A lot of comedies do not age well. This is one of them. What About Bob? is fucking horrible. Sorry, Bill.

In this early 90s comedy, Bill Murray plays hopeless psychiatric patient, Bob Wiley, who struggles with a plethora of unexplained phobias that include being really, really annoying. When he drives his current psychiatrist out of the profession, he's referred to Dr. Leo Marvin, a narcissist robot who just wrote a best-selling book. The wacky shenanigans begin when Dr. Marvin takes his family on vacation...and Bob goes, too...after committing some hardcore stalker moves.

Things really get "hilarious" when Dr. Marvin's family fall in love with Bob...even after Dr. Marvin tells them that Bob is a dangerous psychopath. They don't listen to him worth a damn. And there's absolutely nothing...nothing likable about Bob. He refuses to leave Dr. Marvin (who in on vacation, by the way) alone, spends the night at his house, wears his pajamas, uses his toothbrush, makes him look horrible on national television, and then bangs the doctor's sister. Ultimately, this all drives Dr. Marvin insane (oh, the irony).

This is by far my least favorite Bill Murray performance. I never like it when Murray plays the idiot (The Man Who Knew Too Little). It's so unnatural. He's much better as the sarcastic asshole (Scrooged, Groundhog Day, Ghostbusters). I thought he was fun and a harmless when I watched this as a child, but now, as an adult, I agree with Dr. Marvin. Bob is an uber-douche. Who the hell wants to be bothered on vacation or have some guy play fun uncle to your family and make you look like a schmuck?

The main problem with this movie is that neither main character is even remotely likable. Bob is an annoying, clingy psycho. Dr. Marvin is a self-centered doucher. Oh, and the jokes aren't funny either...which is a concern in a comedy. All the comedy relies on watching one guy being really annoyed by another guy who everyone else inexplicably loves for no reason. It doesn't really hold up for an hour and a half.

There's plenty that doesn't make sense either. Like why would Good Morning America interview Dr. Marvin on vacation? When Dr. Marvin decides to murder Bob (which I totally support), he decides shooting him with a bow and arrow wouldn't be painful enough, but he decides to blow him up with dynamite instead...which would be instantaneous and not painful in the slightest. Why is Dr. Marvin's wife so ugly? Couldn't they find a more attractive actress for that role?  Why would Dr. Marvin be cool with Bob, a grown man and a diagnosed psychopath, sleeping in the same room with his twelve-year old son? That's sick...

Anyways, I thought it was a funny movie, but it isn't...not anymore. What about Bob? He's annoying as fuck. That answers that question.

Why It's Awful:

It's not funny. Bob is annoying. Dr. Marvin is a jerk. The family is stupid. The wife is ugly. Nothing makes sense. And the eyebrows on the daughter are disturbing.

Best Quote:

Dr. Marvin: That patient, the one who called before, he committed suicide.
Fay Marvin: Oh, Leo, how horrible.
Dr. Marvin: Oh well. Let's not let it spoil our vacation.

Cabin in the Woods (2012)

 

I wanted to give Joss Whedon another chance after that abomination that was The Avengers (if for no other reason than Buffy) so I watched Cabin in the Woods, his other 2k12 offering. Did he redeem himself? Well...you're damn right he did. CitW is classic Whedon, a perfect blend of horror and comedy. It's unique, innovative, and damn funny at parts, too.

It's tough to describe CitW's genre. The best way to describe it is as a horror satire. It basically does what the original Scream did, using common horror clichés to comment on the genre as a whole. Five stupid college kids (a jock, a virgin, a slut, a nerd, and a stoner) go to an isolated cabin in the woods to get baked and bang...which always turns out well. They uncover a hidden cellar that contains all sorts of weird artifacts. In true Evil Dead fashion, they read from a strange book and resurrect a family of evil redneck zombies. You can guess what happens next.

Of course, if that's all this movie was, it would be every other horror movie ever made...but it's not. From the beginning, it's clear the entire situation is being manipulated by a strange organization who seem intent on making certain these kids get killed. This is where things get interesting. When the kids decide to stick together, the manipulators pump gas into the cabin to alter their judgment and convince them (like every other horror movie victims) it's better to split up. When Thor and his slut girlfriend go out into the woods, the manipulators alter the lighting to get them in the banging mood. This is why everyone in horror movies is retarded...they're being manipulated to make poor decisions.

The twist is that this organization is part of a world organization that is in charge of making human sacrifices to the Old Gods. If the sacrifices fail, the Old Gods return and destroy the world. Oh yeah, spoiler alert...

The characters are horrible clichés...like most horror movies. The main character (the virgin) doesn't really have much personality at all and you never really care about her. The only character who is interesting at all is the stoner...and he's the second character who gets killed. After his death, I thought, "Man, what a poor decision to kill off the only interesting character so early." And then...he comes back and my faith was totally restored in Joss. Make the stoner the hero. How often does that happen?

The best part of the movie happens when the virgin and the stoner make their way into the secret organization's headquarters and discover what's going on. They find an entire prison full of horror movie monsters ranging from vampires to werewolves to Hellraiser-esque S&M monsters to yetis to the dreaded merman. And of course there's a giant red button that releases all these monsters into the facility (why wouldn't there be?) and all hell breaks loose...literally.

It's scary and funny and I can even forgive it for the horrible CGI effects at times because of its originality. I haven't enjoyed a modern horror movie for a long time, but I enjoyed this. Of course, like Scream, it also makes it impossible to ever enjoy a cliché "stupid kids go into the woods" movie ever again.

Why It's Awesome:

It's innovative, smart, and different. Do you know how often I use those adjectives to describe a modern movie? Answer: not often. Good job, Joss. When's the next season of Buffy coming out?

Best Quote:

Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of...wait...am I on speakerphone?
Hadley: No, absolutely not. Speakerphone, no, no, I wouldn't do that.
Mordecai: Yes I am. I can hear the echo.
Hadley: Oh, my God, you're right. Hang on one second, I'll take you off.
Mordecai: That's rude.

The Avengers (2012)

If this is one of the highest grossing movies of all time, then we need more than The Hulk to save us...

I was one of the ten people who didn't go see The Avengers last summer. It was a wise decision. I've been superheroed out since about 2008. I'm certainly a fan when they're done well (The Dark Knight, X-Men: First Class), but most are just blindingly mediocre bullshit for stupid kids or adult nerds. This was, by far, the most blindingly stupid uber-bullshit I think I've ever seen. This movie made Independence Day look like a legitimate Oscar contender.

Here's the problem with superhero movies: people like underdogs. They're relatable, they're sympathetic, they're vulnerable. You can't help but cheer on Indiana Jones as he faces off against THE ENTIRE NAZI ARMY or John McClane as he battles an entire building of terrorists WITHOUT ANY SHOES. These are underdogs. A super invincible robot billionaire is not relatable. A godlike indestructible alien with a hammer is not sympathetic. A giant, green, bullet-proof rage beast is not vulnerable. It's the reason people hate Superman and love Batman. We need to believe the hero is in actual danger so we can care about them.

So if you're going to assemble a half dozen invincible superheroes, you need to pit them against a force that is soooo powerful that it makes even them look vulnerable. So who do they choose? Loki...the guy who Thor beat single-handedly in his own movie. WHAT?! How was Loki, who couldn't even beat ONE Avenger, ever going to beat ALL the Avengers? Loki is bitch tits. He sucks. In fact, he gets beat not once but TWICE in this movie! And then when he's defeated at the end, it takes The Hulk all of FIVE SECONDS to squash him.

Of course, Loki does have some assistance from a moderately-sized alien army that poses ABSOLUTELY NO THREAT to The Avengers...like, at all. They're appropriately named, too: the Shitauri. At no point during the 40-minute (not an exaggeration) marathon final battle in New York does it EVER look like The Avengers might lose...not ever. The Avengers dominate from the very start of the battle and just totally pwn the fuck out of the skull aliens with their little air go-karts and their flying alien whales to the point I actually felt bad for them. The Avengers made me feel bad for the invading aliens trying to take over Earth...that's quite an accomplishment.

And I guess I could overlook all this if I thought this movie was just trying to be a big, stupid clusterfuck, but it attempts to be more than that. They kill off Agent Coulson as a means of inspiring all the superheroes to work together and AVENGE him...but any impact that death created was obliterated seconds later with a string of horrible, juvenile jokes and then the fact that when they do finally capture Loki, it, too, is a big joke ("I think I will have that drink now."). They don't avenge anybody! Hell, they don't even kill Loki. They just capture him politely. Aren't they pissed that their friend died? I can't wait for the moment in the sequel  when Nick Fury is telling the Avengers they need all the help they can get and a door opens and Loki walks in smiling and someone (probably Thor) says something like "You've got to be kidding me..." or "You can't be serious..." or something equally shitty. God I hate superhero movies!

But worst of all, The Avengers is guilty of committing the most heinous sin an action movie can commit: it bored me. I was bored. There was a moment when all the heroes were bickering on the stupid flying aircraft carrier where I turned to my wife and said, "This is boring." And then I was bored again during the final battle that lasted so long I started and finished watching another movie during its duration. Shame on you, Avengers.

Now don't think I'm just a mindless hater. I'm a huge Joss Whedon fan (Buffy is one of my favorite shows ever and I'm still pissed Firefly didn't get a second season) and I was rooting for him, but this was just an absolute dinosaur turd. It was stupid and I think Joss knew it was stupid and it just proved how many stupid people there are in this world...and that they're stupid. And that makes me sad...or maybe I'm just too old for this bullshit.

Why It's Quite Possibly the Most Overrated Movie since Inception:

And another thing, why can Bruce Banner all of a sudden control The Hulk at the end of the movie? Wasn't that the point of everything we've been told about The Hulk throughout the entire film? That he's just a mindless destroying machine? Then why can he follow orders and participate in complex combat maneuvers when it's necessary for the plot? Just forget it...

Best Quote:

My Wife: Where's Batman?

Independence Day (1996)

"Welcome to Earth!"

This may just be the greatest movie ever made..by man...ever. Don't get me wrong, it's dumb. It's straight-up retarded by movie standards. Cheesy dialogue. Suspect acting. A total disregard for common sense and reality. But goddamn does it know it's dumb! And it bathes in its own stupidity. This is the definition of a "popcorn movie." It's not trying to be anything but entertaining. And in that endeavor, it succeeds.

Aliens have come to strip mine earth because instead of funding renewable energy sources, they allowed Republicans to convince people that fracking the shit out of their planet was the best thing to do. So they show up on Earth and just blow the holy fuck out of every imaginable landmark possible - the Empire State Building, the White House, and whatever they blow up in Los Angeles. Because the logical thing to do if you're there to mine natural resources is to blow the fuck out of the entire planet. The only hope for the human race is a black guy, a drunk, and a bunch of Jews. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

I just love how unapologetically stupid this movie is. After Will Smith (hot off his Fresh Prince stint) crashes with the alien spaceship, the alien (who is a brine shrimp in a suit of armor) emerges from the ship and Will Smith punches it in the face...while it's wearing ARMOR...and knocks it out. What? Its armor protected it from a plane crash, but it couldn't protect it from Will Smith's fist? That's how they roll in Bel-Air, bitch!

Then there's the great moment in Area 51 where President Bill Pullman (who keeps voting for this guy for president?) gets attacked by the brine shrimp telepathically and it allows President Pullman to see its thoughts and quickly blurt out an attempt to create a storyline. "I saw its thoughts. They move from planet to planet blowing up miniatures of important landmarks." Again...WHAT? Why would the alien be thinking of that at that moment? Wouldn't it be thinking, "I'm totally going to kill this guy because he'll probably stop being cast in movies anyways after the 90s and just do shitty TV shows?" That alien knew what it was talking about.

And then there's the ending...WOW! Dumbest ending ever? Possibly. Jeff Goldblum, super-Jew, invents a COMPUTER VIRUS that corrupts the aliens' defense systems, shuts down their force fields, and allows a drunk Randy Quaid (who didn't even know he was shooting a movie) to kamikaze into their spaceship's giant wang and take the whole thing down. SERIOUSLY? What, these aliens don't have Norton anti-virus where they're from? Did they forget to download the latest updates?

This is a constant problem in alien movies. If aliens are smart enough to create intergalactic space travel, something we are centuries from achieving, then everything they do has to be on that level. They can't be taken down by a COMPUTER VIRUS (or locked in a closet, M Night). They would have a fucking firewall, bitch! They would have Norton version 4000 + 1. It's dumb. It's so, so dumb.

Still, despite this movie riding the short bus to school, it's still a fun movie. I could watch that White House blow up all day long, and when that alien spaceship first emerges from the storm cloud...that's a great movie moment. This movie will forever hold a special place in my heart because after I saw it on opening weekend with my sisters, I went home and basically recreated the entire movie with Power Rangers and Barbies...and my version contained less plot holes than the original.

Why It's Awesome: Aliens show up and blow shit up. End. Oh, and Will Smith punches an alien wearing a metal exoskeleton in the face and knocks it out. "Now that's what I call a close encounter."

Best Quote:

Russell: All right, you alien assholes! In the words of my generation: Up Yours!!!

Uncle Buck (1989)

Forget Breakfast Club. THIS is my favorite John Hughes' movie.

 

Uncle Buck is one of those subtle comedies that I just have to watch anytime it's on as a Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. It's just a wholesome, fun, family comedy that they don't really make anymore. There's no gross-out humor or sexual innuendo or violence. I would watch it at college a lot because it reminded me of being home and watching movies with my family so it's a sentimental favorite.

 

Here's the story: Buck Russell is a big, fat unemployed gambler who has to watch his brother's three kids when a medical emergency takes the parents out of the picture. The only problem is that one of these kids, Tia, is a real bitch and she's intent on getting impregnated at the age of 15 so Buck has to run around acting like a total cock block while watching the other two brats. In the end, he learns that having a family ain't all that bad and bangs a ginger woman.

This is easily one of Candy's best solo performances (Besides Larry Clump of course...). You might notice a young Macaulay Culkin in this one as well in a pre-Home Alone outing (also a John Hughes movie). The real star of this film, however, is Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell. This girl is a total CUNT! There's no other way to describe her. Kelly puts in one of the all-time great bitch performances in cinematic history. Watch this movie and try not to hate her...TRY IT!

Here's some shit I love about this movie:

- Buck's car is an absolute BEAST! It's a 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe that backfires with a gunshot and a mushroom cloud of exhaust. Take that EPA!

- Buck's tormenting of Bug (Tia's boyfriend) is legendary ("Ever heard of a ritual killing?"). Who needs a condom when you've got John Candy wielding a hatchet or a power drill?

- For Miles' birthday, Buck makes him a stack of pancakes he has to flip with a snow shovel and I always thought as a kid that that would be just about the coolest thing ever.

- Buck punches a drunk clown after uttering one of the great lines in cinematic history, "Get in your mouse...and get out of here."

Bottom line is if you're looking for a pre-9/11 comedy where the parents are still married and the humor plays off the dialogue and funny situations instead of gross-out humor or obscenities or slapstick then Uncle Buck is what you're looking for.

Why It's Awesome:

Great director and a great performance from a genuinely funny comedian. Do we even have funny comedians anymore capable of carrying films on their own? Say Tyler Perry and I'll rip out your intestines and strangle you to death with them.

Best Quote:

Buck walks into the assistant principal's office and is met with a giant mole with a woman attached to it.

Hoargarth: I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck (staring at the mole): I'm Buck Melonoma. Moley Russell's wart.

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

What's the best reason to make a movie? Answer: REVENGE!!!

John Hughes made this movie after the studio changed the ending to Pretty in Pink so Ginger Girl ended up with lame Andrew McCarthy instead of stalker, Duckie. So he wrote the EXACT same movie with a male protagonist (if you consider Eric Stoltz a male) instead and made sure it ended with the main character choosing to bang his loser friend. He even tried to get his favorite ginger, Molly Ringwald, to star in it, but she refused (and ended her career in the process).

In Pretty in Pink Version 2.0, Eric Stoltz goes back in time in a DeLorean and prevents his parents from ever meeting but then Steven Spielberg decides it's not really working out and replaces him with Michael J. Fox. Oh wait, that's what happened in real life.

In THIS movie, a kind-of-poor kid falls for Lea "I fucked a duck" Thompson and starts dating her despite the fact she's rich and popular and he's...I guess I don't really know what he was. His dad was a dick, but they don't seem that poor. Oh, but Eric's Keith does have a lesbian friend who is not-so-secretly in love with him. She wears boxers and has a dyke haircut, and she's also easily the best character in the movie.

Check out these nuggets of Lesbian Wisdom:

"It's better to swallow pride than blood."

"Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of legs."

"You break his heart, I break your face."

You are wise, oh carpet muncher.

But here's the real question: Is Some Kind of Wonderful better than Pretty in Pink? Let's compare:

Eric Stoltz > Molly Ringwald

As protagonists go, the failed Marty McFly gets the slight edge over the Gingerbread Queen. She always looks like she's constipated.

Watts > Duckie

Watts is kind of hot...in a lesbian sort of way. Plus she has the best dialogue of either film. Duckie is creepy and weird and probably has a Molly Ringwald hair doll in his bedroom. Advantage: Watts.

Lea Thompson > Andrew McCarthy

As far as the rich asshole love interests go, Lea Thompson wins because she has boobs and Andrew McCarthy's character had as much personality as a Triscuit cracker.

James Spader > The Asshole Child Rapist in SKOW

Not even close here. James Spader is the ultimate rich asshole/rapist. The V in his button-down shirt runs deep, my friends.

So there you have it. Despite being less well-known and making less money, Some Kind of Wonderful is the superior movie...easily...by far. Unfortunately, Lea Thompson having sex with a duck > both movies combined x10. Now get your skag and let's go!

Why It's Awesome: It's Pretty in Pink...but better!

Best Quote:

Keith (talking about Amanda Jones): You can't judge a book by its cover.
Watts: No, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost.

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Most people think John Hughes' Pretty in Pink is a story about finding love across socioeconomic barriers. Those people are wrong.

Pretty in Pink is a story about GINGER DISCRIMINATION!

Yes, on the surface it appears as if the problem between Molly Ringwald's Andie and Andrew McCarthy's Blaine is that he's rich and she's poor. That doesn't really matter. The problem is that Andie is a ginger, and Steff and the other BLONDE rich snobs are concerned he'll come down with ginger-vitus. Duckie, on the other hand, accepts Andie's condition, and yet she still rejects him...because gingers have no souls.

I remember liking this movie as a teenager, but now, watching it as an adult, I realize it's god-awful. It's really bad. The problem is that it doesn't matter who Andie ends up with because all her options are HORRIBLE and she's a total bitch so why would I care? Many cinephiles claim she should end up with Duckie. Seriously? Did you see what that guy wears? Let's look at the competitors and their stats:

Blaine: A richie with the personality of a Triscuit cracker. This guy is BLAND! He takes her on the single WORST date of all-time, believing the best possible place for his date with Andie is a house party where everyone hates her...and with good reason. Pearls, Andie? Who are you? My grandmother?

Duckie: Weird stalker friend with a terrible sense of style. Many consider his antics and dedication to Andie to be sweet, but really it's creepy as hell. Leaving a dozen messages on her phone? Driving past her house in the middle of the night? Plus, she treats him like garbage, and he just comes back for more. And let's be honest here, we all know he's secretly gay so what's the point?

Steff: Alpha snob who bangs girls in his parents' bed and likes to dumpster dive every now and then. He tells Andie at the beginning he wants to fuck her and then gives Blaine shit when he wants to do the same thing. He's awesome.

So there you have it. Amazingly, the best option for Andie is...Steff. At least he's not a sopping wet pussy like the other two competitors. Or maybe that's just because James Spader is the man. Anyways, like I said before, none of this matters because Andie is a bitch anyway. She deserves to be treated like crap. Her father is on the verge of committing suicide due to depression and unemployment, and she's worried about whether or not she's going to the prom.

This movie reminded me why teenagers are idiots, and no one should listen or care about anything they say.

Why It's Lame: If I want to listen to a bunch of whiny teens bitch and moan about who's going to the prom with who...there's no way to finish that sentence because I would never, EVER want that. I think John Hughes was secretly a teenage girl trapped inside a man's body. How else can one explain these movies?

Best Quote:

Steff: Andie, you're a bitch.

Weird Science (1985)

Wow. What a great movie.

I remember watching this movie on USA's infamous "Up All Night" show back in the day that used to play weird or offbeat movies at, like, 11 at night, and I think that's the perfect way to describe this movie. This is a perfect late night almost-porn-kind-of-movie that is so irreverent and dumb it could have only been made in the 80s (I realize they're remaking it, but it won't have the same innocence or "why was this even made?" vibe to it as the original).

Here's the premise straight out of every teenage boy's wet dream: Two unpopular nerds decide to use their new-fangled computer to create the perfect woman (while wearing bras on their heads...it's ceremonial). The computer, of course, goes haywire and brings the woman to life, Frankenstein-style. Basically they create their own sex slave (although they never seem to actually have sex with her). Of course, all kinds of shenanigans ensue like drunken nights at the bar and a killer house party that's invaded by mutant bikers and eventually a giant nuclear missile. In the end the boys learn to just be themselves and popularity will come to you (which is bullshit, but it's the 80s so everything seemed possible if you did enough cocaine).

The cast itself is pure 80s cocaine. One of the nerds is played by Anthony Michael Hall who basically plays the same character he played in Breakfast Club. You've got Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man himself) playing a douche who picks on the nerds. Don't Google what she looks like now, but Kelly LeBrock is sooooo 80s hot in this movie. She's heroin thin and rockin' a perm, but if two nerds made a virtual sex slave, it would certainly be Kelly LeBrock.

And then there's Bill Paxton in what should have been an Oscar-nominated role playing the greatest asshole brother in cinematic history, Chet. Damn Academy snobs. Chet is awesome. He wears camo and doesn't hesitate to point a gun in people's faces or sexually harass women he's never met before. I absolutely hate Bill Paxton, but even I have to give him props for his turn as Chet.

The rumor is that John Hughes wrote the script for this film in two days...and it shows. I feel like it was just way easier to make a film back in the 80s. The way I picture it, Hughes wakes up one Saturday morning, feels bored, writes a movie script over the weekend, and then the next weekend he invites all the Brat Pack members over to shoot the thing, and the weekend after that it's in the theaters. Now it takes months and millions of dollars to shoot a movie. Take notice, Hollywood! All you really need is a high school library and some 30-year-old actors playing teenagers and you've got yourself a movie!

If you're still not sold on Weird Science, you should know that it's the only movie where someone is actually turned into a strange pile of human dog shit as a punishment. Ah, the 80s...

Why It's Awesome:

Kelly LeBrock + nerds + Chet + nonsensical plot = 80s win!

Best Quote:

Chet: Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Ferris Bueller is a punk.

Yeah, you heard me. I HATE Ferris Bueller. Don't misunderstand me, I like the movie, but I despise the character of Ferris Bueller. I realize the whole point of the character is that he's supposed to be a lovable, trouble-making rapscallion that everyone likes, but THAT'S exactly what I hate about him. He's a smug little prick. "Oooh, look at me, I'm so laid back and cool I can break the fourth wall and talk directly to the camera." I'm with Jeannie. He's a bastard.

This entire film is an affront to every hard-working school administrator in the country. Ferris' actions should not be praised or celebrated. He missed school nine times in a single school year...nine times. Now, I realize that may seem tame by today's standards, but by 1980 Caucasian standards, that's like, 50 days worth of unexcused absences. Society should condemn his actions. Young adults have a responsibility to be in school furthering their education so they can have a productive future as fully-functioning adults, not gallivanting around Chicago with their girlfriends in a stolen vehicle and lip-syncing (poorly) to German songs during some gay pride parade that inexplicably takes place during a work day in the middle of the afternoon. SHAME!

What's Ferris going to do in the future? Knock up Sloane and then leave her in the middle of her pregnancy to backpack through Europe so he can "find himself" and then never come back? That's what happens when you miss school nine times...nine times.

Ferris Bueller is such a prick he's the only title character in cinematic history who experiences exactly ZERO change from the beginning of the film to the end. He's a completely static character. He's a smug dickweed at the beginning all the way through the scene at the end of the credits where he basically tells us, the audience, to piss off. It's well documented that Cameron is, by basic storytelling standards, the main character of the story. He's the one who experiences the change after that terrorist, Ferris Bueller, totals the Ferrari.

But the true hero of the film is none other than the legendary EDWARD ROONEY, the dean of students at Ferris' school. This is what all school administrators should strive to be. He sees a young man on a path to destruction, and he does everything in his power to save the wayward lad from himself. He even makes a house call! What overpaid school administrator is going to do that in the year 2013?! Answer: none. This is a man who truly cares about his students. When he learns about Sloane's grandmother's death (another horrible rouse orchestrated by that liar, Ferris), he shows true compassion. "Between grief and nothing...I'll take grief." You are wise, Edward Rooney, so wise...

Save Ferris? I think not.

Why It's Awesome: It's the story of how far one dedicated educator will go to save a single student from his self-destructive behavior. They should remake this movie and just call it ROONEY.

Best Quote:

Charlie Sheen (ironically enough playing a drugged-out junkie): You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore.