If you only watch one evil helper monkey/quadriplegic love story make it...MONKEY SHINES!
Seriously, this is an awesomely bad movie. I saw it for the first time in college on the Syfy Channel and instantly fell in love. It's directed by George Romero (of Night of the Living Dead fame), and it's a horror film about a genetically-altered helper monkey who falls in love with her owner and murders anyone she sees as a threat to their love. Yeah...that's a movie.
The movie opens with this athletic douche who you hate from the opening scene because the first thing he does is cover his hot girlfriend's naked arse. So you totally want this dude to get hit by a truck and get paralyzed and that's EXACTLY what happens. Since he's all quadriplegic and shit he needs a helper monkey to hold his dong while he pisses and shake it afterward. Unfortunately, the helper monkey he gets is totally EVIL! This helper monkey and the quad fall in love, but, like any crazy human chick, the helper monkey gets all psycho possessive and starts killing any bitch who looks at her man. She burns down the quad's ex-girlfriend's cabin and electrocutes his mom in the tub with a hair dryer.
Since this is the 80s they had to actually hire a real-life helper monkey to do all this crazy shit. That's the most impressive part of this entire abortion. The stuff that this monkey actually does is INSANE! It's answering the phone and playing mixed tapes, and brushing his teeth...it's crazy! If they remade this movie (which I pray to God they do) the monkey will be CGI and look like shit. That helper monkey actually did all that crazy bullshit!
If this movie should be remembered for anything besides its general awfulness, it should be its epic QUADRIPLEGIC SEX SCENE. That's right, this guy with no working legs or arms bangs this monkey trainer chick. If you're wondering how that's even possible watch the movie and learn. Let's just say she spends a majority of the outing sitting on the guy's face.
Out of all the cheesy horror movies I've reviewed this month, this is easily my favorite. It's a movie that should have never been made, but thank God so many bad decisions were made that made it possible for the world to experience MONKEY SHINES!
Why It's Terribly Awesome:
The first time I saw the movie I only caught the final fifteen minutes. The ending rivals that of Seven and The Sixth Sense in its epicness. And now to ruin it for you: this monkey is about to stab the quad's girlfriend in the eye with a syringe so the quad sweet talks the monkey into climbing up on his shoulder and then totally bites this monkey's jugular and shakes it around like a rabid pittbull! That's how you end a movie!
Best Quote:
Fisher: You're a clinical cunt!
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