Robocop (1987)

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

I just watched the theatrical trailer for the new Robocop (2014), and it's amazing how they can make any movie look decent in a trailer. What's even MORE amazing is that the new Robocop looks like shit even in the trailer...which is not a great sign of things to come.

Why mess with perfection? The original Robocop is a masterpiece of action sci-fi goodness. It's one of the few memorable films lacking a genuine movie star. It's also great social commentary and turned out to be quite prophetic.

Let's compare the two movies, basing the quality of the new movie solely on the trailer (which I think seems fair).

Background:

In the original, Detroit is a bankrupt city that has become a cesspool of crime where greedy corporations have taken over public services like the police and ruined them with their corporate bullshit. Umm...did they nail it or what? The new one is about drones or something. DUMB!

The Costume:

The original Robocop looked like a badass cyborg who would shoot you in the dick if you tried to rape a bitch. The new Robocop looks like a gay robot who rapes motorcycles.

The Bad Guys

The original features the corporate dickhead, Dick Jones, and...wait...is that Red from That 70s Show? That's awesome. Who's the new one got? Probably someone stupid. Wait...is that Michael Keaton? Wow...all right. I'm still going to give the edge to the original because it had Red. Booya!

The Violence

The original is one of the most violent action movie of the 80s. They had to tone it down just to avoid an X rating. Murphy's death is one of the most explicit deaths in cinema. He gets shot 347 times with shotguns while Red and the gang laugh their asses off. That sets the stage for a very personal journey of revenge. In the new PG-13 movie, Murphy "dies" in a car bomb...which is easily the LEAST personal way to die. Who does he want revenge on? The car? And, oh, by the way, a dude get drenched in acid and then hit by a car and he explodes...so violent and awesome.

So the answer is clear: The original is superior in every single way. You can throw in Gary Oldman or Samuel L. Jackson (who is in every single movie anyway), but none of that shit matters. You can't remake an action movie that already achieved awesomeness (Total Recall anyone?). They should just trash the entire movie. Don't waste your time.

Why It's Awesome:

A robot cop takes down corporate douchebags. One can dream...

Best Quote:

Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar!

Battle Royale (2000)

If you enjoyed The Hunger Games...then you're a pussy.

Battle Royale is the Japanese predecessor that HG was totally ripped off from, and it kicks so much more ass than Jennifer Lawrence's totally weak bullshit, it makes the teenage murder in HG look like a friendly game of laser tag. No one knows how to do violence in the movie like the Japanese and this is their magna opus.

The storyline is almost identical to that of Hunger Games (and both were ripped off Stephen King's Running Man), but there are some subtle differences to the set-up. In a dystopia future, Japan's youth have grown disrespectful and violent. So, to teach them a lesson, a reality show has been created where 42 junior high students (21 with penises and 21 without) are dumped on an island and forced to fight to the death until only one remains. Now that's tough love!

The rules for the game are so much better in this movie, too. Instead of that horn-of-plenty bullshit Hunger Games has going on, each kid gets a backpack full of supplies and a random weapon ranging from uzis to katanas to a saucepan lid (ZONK!). Each contestant is also fitted with a collar so they can be tracked or randomly killed if things get boring. Every six hours certain sections of the island turn into random "instant death zones" so it keeps the contestants moving. The best part is that if there isn't a winner after three days, they just kill all the kids! How awesome is that?

Because there are so many contestants, most of them are just fodder for the gratuitous violence, but there are a couple main characters. The two main protagonists are a boy/girl combo who try to keep each other alive by teaming up with this badass kid who was a previous winner of the show and returned to figure out the mystery of why his girlfriend tried to kill him at the end of their game and then smiled after he killed her (it doesn't really make any sense). The BEST character, though, is this totally insane redhead kid who actually volunteered to be on the show just because he's a hardcore psycho! This kid is so badass. He kills, like, half the contestants, and he doesn't utter a single word throughout the entire movie. There's also this hardcore slut who is pretty badass, too.

The only problem with the movie is that, because it's a Japanese film, there are a lot of Asians in it (makes sense). The problem with that, though, is that I discovered that I'm not very good with telling Asians apart from each other. I'm telling you, all these kids looked EXACTLY the same and they were all wearing the same school uniform so it was impossible to tell who was who. I kept thinking the two main characters had been killed, but then it would turn out to be two other Asians. I thought they died five different times in the movie only to discover them walking around in the next scene. They should have color-coded each actor for the convenience of a Western audience, just a magenta splash right on the forehead so I can properly keep track of the carnage.

This move was too hardcore to be released in theaters, but you can check it out on Netflix instant streaming. Just be warned, after you watch it, you won't be able to watch Hunger Games or any of its stupid sequels ever again because they will just seem so goddamn pathetic. Seriously. Those Japs know how to kill a 12-year old girl like a boss.

Why It's Awesome:

It's Hunger Games but it shows how that shit would ACTUALLY go down with axes to the head and scythes to the jugular and arrows to the heart. Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence's wooden acting is not present. Another plus.

Best Quote:

Chigusa: Shouldn't you be worried about your life instead of that useless micropenis of yours? 

Face/Off (1997)

To cancel out the general pussyness of Valentine's Day, I'm watching MAN MOVIES this month.

I'm starting the month with one of the greatest and least plausible action movies of the late 90s, Face/Off starring two of the most over-the-top actors of the 90s, John Travolta and the emperor of over-the-top performances, the man who owns a dinosaur skull, Nick Cage!

The movie premise is ludicrous...and awesome in its absurdity. After finally capturing the man who killed his son, Sean Archer, the head of a secret anti-terrorist organization, must cut off the face of his arch-nemesis, Castor Troy (totally sweet name, by the way) and wear it around while pretending to be Castor in an overly elaborate scheme to convince Castor's brother to give up the location of a bomb planted SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles.

Of course, then Castor wakes up from his coma and is super pissed to discover he no longer has a face so HE starts wearing Archer's face and becomes HIM so the two mortal enemies have become each other and since they're both totally pissed off they have to have a FACE OFF!

What I'm trying to tell you is that the plot doesn't matter; it's just an excuse to blow shit up and have everyone fire bullets at each other in slow motion while doves fly all over the place.

Speaking of doves, the movie is directed by over-the-top action specialist, John Woo, so you know exactly what to expect. Here's the totally kick-ass John Woo action movie checklist:

1) Barrels of gasoline sitting around for no apparent reason other than to be blown up....CHECK!

2) A bad guy who wields double pistols and makes heavy use of an infinite ammo cheat....CHECK!

3) Slow motion explosions, walking, gun battles...pretty much anything that looks cooler slower...CHECK!

4) Doves flying around inside a building (also in slow motion, mind you) for no other reason than to look cool flapping around during a Mexican stand-off...CHECK!

The action sequences in this scene are rather boss. Let's see...

There's the opening capture of Castor Troy at the airport...which is AWESOME!

There's the escape from the super-secret hidden prison from which there is no escape...which is AWESOME!

But the MOST awesome action scene is the raid on Dietrich's drug den when drug dealers and SWAT team members and hookers are all getting shot up while "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays in the background. What better song to be the soundtrack to a hooker's death than "Somewhere Over the Rainbow?"

Now I know this movie is over-the-top action movie madness, but there are a few things that I can't let fly without mentioning.

The first is the weird wiping-the-hand-down-people's-faces thing that the Archer family does. This is obviously supposed to fit into the theme of faces and all, but if someone in my family tried to drag their hand down the front of my face, I would bite their fucking fingers off.

The other thing that always bothers me is that while Castor is wearing Archer's face, he bangs Archer's wife. Ok. I get that he looks like Archer and he sounds like Archer, but are we meant to believe that these men have identical wangs as well? C'mon! Mrs. Archer had to notice that that was not her husband's cock. And do they fuck exactly the same? Wake up, lady! That is not your husband's cock in your mouth and now you have the herp!

Oh, and finally, I hate the ending where Archer replaces his dead son with Castor's estranged (and now orphaned) son, thus inviting into his family the son of the man who killed his son. What?

Still, one cannot fault a movie that allows Nicholas Cage to play not one but TWO parts in the same movie. I'm still waiting for a movie where ALL the parts are played by Nick Cage. Being Nick Cage! Someone make that shit happen!

Why It's Awesome:

John Travolta and Nick Cage face off in a totally unrealistic John Woo 90s action movie. WIN!

Best Quote:

{Dr. Walsh is brought in front of Castor Troy, who no longer has a face}
Dr. Walsh: What do you want?
Troy: Take one goddamn guess!

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

There are so many just God-awful, shitty zombie movies out there that the entire genre has become a running joke. Check out Netflix if you want to watch an example of how truly terrible and cliché a movie can be. Now that statement may make you think that I don't like zombie movies.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When a zombie movie is done right, it's a thing of true beauty. Romero introduced the zombie flick to shine light on how disgusting and base human beings can be. When those truths are at the foundation of the movie, nothing is better than a quality zombie flick.

Romero introduced the zombie formula in Night of the Living Dead, but he perfected the formula in his version of Dawn of the Dead. Similar movie to the remake, although not the exact same story; it still takes place in a shopping mall and involves a group of survivors of a zombie apocalypse, but it also holds the distinction of having the WORST zombie make-up of all time. Green faces, my ass!

Fast forward to 2004's version of Dawn of the Dead. 28 Days Later introduced the innovative idea of "the fast zombie," something that revitalized the zombie genre. It was the perfect innovation for the new millennium where everything had to be bigger, better, and faster. Fast zombies. It seems like such a simple idea now, but at the time it really was something that totally transformed the genre. Now a single zombie became a threat whereas before a solo zombie was a joke. It just made the stakes that much higher.

Even now nearly ten years later, Dawn of the Dead is a terrifying and blood-soaked movie that holds absolutely nothing back. It opens with a zombie child taking down a grown man and then it's just a sprint to the finish from there. It even answers the question of what happens if a pregnant woman gets bitten by a zombie (Awesome scene, by the way).

Everything else is very routine by today's standards. We have a diverse group of survivors (including a jacked up Ving Rhames and the dad from Modern Family) all meeting up at a shopping mall as they attempt to survive a zombie apocalypse. The other humans become the main obstacle to survival. Ridiculous reasons to leave the safety of the shopping mall arise. People make poor decisions that get them killed. But it's all done in such a fun and gory style, and there is certainly some creative stuff thrown in along the way. The "Hollywood Squares" game that is played by the dude at the gun shop and the other survivors is still one of my all-time favorite horror movie scenes. Oh, and that ending? How great is that ending? What better statement about mankind than to have everyone die in the end?

Does the movie make the same powerful statement about humanity that Romero's zombie movies made? No. But goddamn it's a fun movie.

In today's film industry, it seems like everything's been done before, but sometimes all it takes is a small (or at least smart) innovation to turn something that had become cliché into something that feels fresh and exciting. For me, Dawn of the Dead represents that film that brought the pure zombie creature feature back from the dead...ha!

Why It's Awesome:

Two words: zombie baby.

Best Quote:

Michael: So what's the plan?
C.J.: The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

30 Days of Night (2007)

In honor of the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part II, the movie franchise that ruined vampire movies and turned one of cinema's most terrifying creatures into pussified pansies, I'm reviewing one of the few films in the past decade to portray vampires at the truly badass creatures of the night they are meant to be...30 Days of Night!

Based on the graphic novel, the premise for the movie is brilliant. Vampires invade Borrow, Alaska during the month the town will be without sun for a 30-day all-you-can-eat buffet. So not only does this movie have the usual horror movie thrills , but it also has a groovy Ann Frank vibe to it as the survivors try to outlast the horde of vampires for 30 days.

Oh, and the vampires? They are BADASS! These mother fuckers aren't glittering in the sunlight like a bunch of pansies. No, these are straight-up predators. Fuck fangs! These vampires have a mouth full of shark teeth! Do they have to ask permission to enter your house? Nah. They'll just break in, murder your entire family, and skewer you with a hot fireplace poker. They're constantly covered in blood and they hunt in packs and leap on people like rapid wolves and tear out people's throats and speak gibberish that no one understands! It's awesome!

The vampires are so hardcore I can even overlook the fact that Josh "Pearl Harbor" Hartnett is the lead. Most of the cast is nothing but blood donors, but they're serviceable. The movie is dark and avoids many of the usual horror movie cliches. The violence is brutal and bloody, there are no funny quips or one-liners, and the movie relies more on atmosphere than cheap scares. Oh, and it also wins an award for refusing to cut away during an axe decapitation. They straight up show that shit.

And the ending? It's right up there with The Mist as one of the top endings of the oughts. Here's the scenario: Josh Hartnett's estranged wife and some kid who shows up out of nowhere are trapped under a car while the entire town burns all around them and the vampires celebrate their total ass rapage of the town. They're either going to burn to death or get their asses drained of blood...unless Pearl Harbor boy does something. So he actually INFECTS HIMSELF WITH VAMPIRE BLOOD so he can fight the head vamp, Marlow, all jacked up on vampire blood. So Josh and Marlow duke it out until Josh PUNCHES THROUGH THE DUDE'S SKULL! So awesome. Then the final scene of the movie is Josh's face burning off as the sun rises on the horizon.

Now that's how you end a fucking movie!

Why It's Awesome:

This is what vampires should be: brutal, blood-thirsty, and obviously Eastern European. FUCK TWILIGHT!

Best Quote:

Marlow: When man meets a force he can't destroy, he destroys himself. What a plague you are.

The Expendables (2010)

Here's the greatest premise for a movie ever: stick every kick-ass action star in a single movie and have them kill things.

DONE.

As a fan of uber-ridiculous action flicks of the 80s and 90s, The Expendables served as the perfect escape from lame modern action abortions littered with CGI bullshit...or basically anything directed by Michael Bay. Leave it to Sly Stallone to assemble the greatest line-up of action stars in a single movie (sans the sequel). The Expendables would totally slice through The Avengers or The Justice League easier than Arnold throwing a pipe through some pussy wearing chain mail.

And the names of these guys? The character names in this movie make Shakespeare look like Katy Perry song lyrics:

Jason Statham = Lee Christmas
Jet Li = Yin Yang (racist)
Dolph Lundgren = Gunnar Jensen
Randy Couture = Toll Road (what?)
Terry Crews = Hale Caesar (clever...)
Steve Austin = Paine (they just gave up)

The plot of the movie is pointless and awesome. Sly falls for some chick who is trying to save her small island country from her corrupt dictator father and a rogue CIA agent. So he and the rest of the badass crew travel to the island, spend a half hour planting plastic explosives at the capital, get the chick's father killed, blow up most of the island, and murder half of the entire country's population.

You're welcome, bitch.

It's a good thing this movie kicks ass and features showdowns between Jet Li vs. Ivan Drago and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Rambo because there are certain parts that simply don't make any sense. There's the totally pointless love story between Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter, who, although hot, does not get naked and serves no logical purpose in the film. There's the pointless story tangent of Jet Li complaining about needing more money. For what? Who knows...

But the BEST and LEAST LOGICAL part of the movie is the fact that Ivan Drago betrays the rest of the team, tries to murder Jet Li, and then gets shot in the heart by Rocky Balboa. Not only does Ivan Drago survive the bullet to the heart, but then Sly and the gang FORGIVE HIM at the end. Does it make sense? No. But who gives a shit? Five guys defeat an entire country so let's not think about this too hard.

Oh, and the biggest badass in the entire movie?

Terry Crews' automatic shotgun/grenade launcher.

Why It's Awesome: Do I even need to explain how hard I jizzed in my pants when Sly, Arnold, and Bruce Willis all crammed their steroid-riddled bodies onto a single screen? If an explanation is necessary, the answer is HARD! I jizzed hard.

Best Quote:

Church (talking to Arnold and Sly): You two aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are ya?

Taken (2008)

Liam Neeson bleeds semen.

There is no greater badass in the New Millennium than Liam Neeson. Want proof? This is the man who trained Batman AND Obi-Wan Kenobi, discovered Darth Vader, single-handedly murdered an entire pack of wolves, led the A-Team, killed the Titans, returned from the dead as a Jesus lion, and saved over a thousand Jews!

So why, in the holy hell, would anyone dare kidnap the man's daughter? Don't they know he has a particular set of skills that make him a nightmare for Albanians who turn spoiled rich brats into crack whores?

In this ultimate badass outing, Neeson plays Brian Mills, an ex-CIA badass whose annoying teenage daughter (who he had with The Phoenix from X-Men) gets TAKEN by a group of Albanian human traffickers ten minutes after she lands in Paris on a trip to follow U2 on their European tour (serves her right for liking U2). So Neeson has to travel to Paris and kill half the population of Albany (where I assume Albanians are from) in order to save his daughter and her precious hymen.

There are so many straight-up badass-like-a-boss scenes in this movie I don't even know where to begin!

The most badass of these features Neeson walking into the den of the kidnappers in the guise of a corrupt French police official (is there any other kind?). As he's walking through the house, he's looking at each Albanian he passes like "I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, you're dead, gonna throw a knife into your chest..." and so forth and then he straight up murders everyone in the house.

Then the most like-a-boss scene involves Neeson going to this French dude's house for information. Instead of just asking politely like a normal man he invites himself over for dinner and shoots the dude's totally innocent wife and threatens to slaughter their children while they sleep unless Frenchie tells him what he wants to know. Now THAT'S a badass, my friends!

The next time someone borrows a pen from me and forgets to return it I'm hiring Liam Neeson to get it back...HARD!

Why It's Awesome:

There's a sequel coming out in October called Taken 2: Tooken where more Albanians show up and TAKE Neeson's wife and then they try to TAKE Neeson! What?! Didn't these people watch the first movie? Didn't they see what happened when someone took the thing that came out of his wife's vagina? Now someone is going to take the vagina?! Shit is gonna get FUCKED UP!

Best Quote:

Mills: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

What can one say about one of the greatest films ever made?

The opening scene with Indy and Dr. Octopus traversing the booby-trapped cave in their attempt to retrieve the golden idol alone is better than most feature-length films. Then you've got the market place stunt-palooza, the Well of Souls sequence, the fist fight with the German around the spinning airplane, the Jeep chase, and the best claymation-exploding-head sequence ever filmed!

Instead of pointing out the awesomeness of everything that is so obviously awesome, I'd rather discuss what makes Indiana Jones the single greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!). Check that. What I really want to talk about is why Indiana Jones makes all modern film heroes look like total pussies.

First of all, Indiana Jones is a man. That sounds simplistic, but there's a big difference between an 80s film man and an oughts film man. Indiana Jones liked to do two things: fight and fuck (not particularly in that order). The problem with modern film heroes is that now they have to be all deep or emotionally-damaged or suffer from some haunted past, but all it does is make them come across as emo bitch boys.

The only emotion a true man should ever feel is horniness.

This bitch boy movement is perfectly illustrated by comparing early James Bond (Sean Connery) to contemporary James Bond (Daniel Craig). Early James Bond was suave, he was witty, he could throw down, he had cool lasers and shit, and he was a walking hard-on. Modern James Bond is all brooding and dark and needs a shitload of therapy. I don't care if he's more like the character in the book or more "fully realized." I don't need him to be "fully realized" to enjoy watching him kick ass for an hour-and-a-half (See also modern Batman).

Next, Indiana Jones is many things, but one thing he is not is an asshole. Modern heroes are huge douchebags. Take Tony Stark of Iron Man fame. Stark comes across as a total asshole, but he's funny so people like him. Why do people like assholes?

Jones and Bond, like Stark, are both confident womanizers, but they never come across as assholes. They're both guys who are going to get the job done by any means necessary and they're always fighting for some greater purpose, never for their own glorification. I think as society has become more self-centered and selfish, that idea of someone who fights for something larger than themselves has gone the way of the dodo...which is sad.

Finally, Indiana Jones has that Everyman quality to him that truly separates him from other heroes of the era. He's not as over-the-top as Arnold. Sure he fights the entire Nazi army by himself, but before he manages to claim the ark he's buried alive with snakes, beaten up by a Nazi twice his size, shot, thrown through a windshield, and dragged behind a moving vehicle at high speeds whereas Arnold kills people without even firing his gun (Commando, anyone?). Indiana Jones is just a normal guy who knows how to get the job done without his hat ever falling off!

The only thing Indiana Jones ever failed at was fathering Shia LaDouche.

BURN!

Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)

There are two things I'm convinced that women will never understand. The first are the mechanics of peeing standing up. The second is the appeal of Quentin Tarantino flicks.

Tarantino movies have their own rhythm, their own beat, their own rules. He's basically created his own sub-genre. Tarantino movies are rarely told in chronological order, they're always violent, and the dialogue can only be described as Quentin-esque.

Reservoir Dogs is easily my favorite Tarantino movie, but the Kill  Bill flicks (which have strangely fallen out of favor in the movie community in recent years) still represent my favorite cinematic revenge flick. Revenge flicks are easy to set up but difficult to pull off. You need a person who's been fucked over and then a means of gaining revenge on those who did the fucking. Still, the person seeking revenge must be sympathetic throughout the journey and, in the quest to slay monsters, avoid becoming a monster in the process.

Very few movies with female protagonists kick ass as much as Kill Bill, and there's a reason why it works. Uma Thurman is not that hot. That's important. I'm not sure why that's a rule, but it is. Hot chicks can be elements of lust in action movies, but they can't be action stars. It's too distracting. Uma Thurman is just modestly attractive enough not to allow her looks to detract from the rest of the movie.

Volume 1 is the superior of the two volumes, based mainly on the strength of the House of Blue Leaves action finale, a fight that is never matched in Volume 2 (which is a mistake I'll discuss in the next review). Quentin always tries a lot of innovative things in his flicks and some of them work and some of them don't. The nonlinear approach works especially well in this movie because we're fed pieces of the story slowly, keeping The Bride's true motivation and her relationship with Bill a mystery. The over-the-top gore and cheesy fight sound effects (an homage to kung-fu flicks of the 70s) works splendidly as well.

Three elements that don't work for me are the anime sequence (too out of place), O-Ren's ridiculously long backstory (unnecessary for the main narrative), and the mystery of The Bride's real name (the pay-off isn't big enough to make it matter).

Everything else, though, is gold. The black and white opening of a blood-stained Bride taking a shot to the head...perfect. The opening fight scene between The Bride and Vernita Green with the little girl showing up after her mother's death...love it. The Pussy Wagon? C'mon! And that Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves is one of modern cinema's great fight scenes (the music!). Over-the-top? Yes. Brilliant? Absolutely. If there's one thing Quentin knows how to do, it's kill a mother fucker.

We'll be back with Volume 2 next time.

Why It's Awesome: One of the great all-time revenge flicks, containing one of the great action sequences of the oughts. This, along with the second volume, may be Quentin Tarantino's most complete cinematic offering. And who doesn't love to see a moderately attractive chick fuck Asians up?

Best Quote:

Hanzo: I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.

300 (2006)

This month Captain 69 is viewing MAN MOVIES...movies that kick ass and demand their women march into the kitchen and make a baby and a chicken pot pie!

We're starting with one of the few manly, badass offerings of the oughts, 300.

Based on one of the most hardcore battles ever in history (The Battle of Thermopylae) and later turned into a hardcore graphic novel by legendary Frank Miller, how could this film not be a total erection-inducing, testosterone-filled manfest (That description made it sound like a gay porno, didn't it?)? You've got 300 dudes born to do nothing but kick ass against almost 200,000 future corpses. Is it historically accurate? Hell no, but who gives a shit? In fact, it doesn't have to be because the entire movie is the recollection of the one-eyed Spartan telling the story to inspire his troops at the end. Clever...

This movie includes everything that is considered manly. Let's do the manly man movie checklist...

- Dude has sex with a hot chick (including from behind)...CHECK!

- Dude fails to listen to reason and solves his problems with unnecessary violence...CHECK!

- Dude ignores overwhelming odds and relies on his ability to kick ass in slow motion...CHECK!

- Dude kills innocent animals and discriminates against the disabled...CHECK!

- Dude refuses to surrender (in spite of reasonable and lucrative terms offered) and instead chooses to die in a blaze of glory after uttering many manly catchphrases...CHECK!

It's no wonder that many of the actors have gone on to star in Spartacus, which is television's most hardcore and manly show (and also a total rip-off, stylistically, of 300). Unfortunately, life was not as kind to Gerard Butler, who played second fiddle to Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter and totally ruined his badass image for all time. SHAME!

On a final note, it's strange how some of the manliest movies are also the gayest. The entire movie features a bunch of totally ripped, sweaty dudes walking around with no shirts the entire movie. It makes me feel good to know that there are films that gay men and straight men can sit and enjoy together. I don't know why I'm ending this post with probably the least manly observation but oh well...

Why It's Awesome: This movie is pure action. These fucking Spartans kill everyone. They kill messengers, they kill slaves, they kill "immortal" soldiers with totally fucked up faces, they kill a huge ogre-type demon dude, they kill a rhino, two elephants, and a dozen horses. They kill EVERYONE! And then they get killed, too. The total body count is 500+. That's an action movie! EVERYONE SHOULD DIE!

Best Quote (this one's easy...):

Leonides: Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for tonight, we dine in hell!

Die Hard (1988)

Yippee-Ki-Yay...Father Christmas!

Most families gather around to watch Miracle on 34th Street or The Grinch during the holiday season, but those people are pussies! If you're hardcore for the holidays then you already know DIE HARD is not only the greatest non-traditional Christmas movie ever but the greatest...action movie...of ALL TIME!

There's not much to say about this film that hasn't been said for the past 20+ years. Its perfection lies in its simplicity. Take one average joe cop (John McClane is THE greatest everyman character in action), pit him against 13 badass terrorists/robbers (Alan Rickman practically perfects the slick and intelligent villain here), stick them all in a building in a battle royale and you have hardcore perfection.

And can we talk about the title here for a second? Die Hard? That is fuckin' awesome! You know exactly what you're getting into with a title like that. People are going to die, and, not only are they going to die, but they're going to die...HARD! No one's going to die quietly in their bed. No, people are going to get thrown off buildings and down stairwells, blown up with C4, and shot in the dick multiple times. Now that's dying HARD! This movie also has some of the best translations ever. In Hungarian, the title is Give Your Life Expensive and in Serbia it's called Die Manly...awesome...

Die Hard is the pinnacle of the 80s/90s action genre that officially died in 1999 when The Matrix blew up and we moved from everyman heroes to "super" heroes, a trend that still, unfortunately, continues to this day. Just for a comparison, Neo dodges bullets and kills a guy by entering inside of him and exploding out while John McClane runs across broken glass in his bare feet and kills a guy by throwing him down a flight of fucking stairs and snapping his neck. Now you tell me which one is more hardcore (and realistic)! All these heroes nowadays need super powers to stop the bad guys. All John McClane needed was a gun and a wifebeater! DEATH TO THE SUPER HERO GENRE!

But I digress. One last area where Die Hard succeeds above all others is the key area of the Carl Winslow factor. That's right, the dad from Family Matters is John's black cop buddy on the outside playing, essentially, Carl Winslow. Dealing with terrorists is probably a walk in the park compared to dealing with Steve Urkel on a daily basis. Did I do thaaaaat?

Why It's Awesome: It's scientifically proven to be the greatest action movie of all time. John McClane is one of the great icons of action with his funny witticisms after murdering people and Hans Gruber is one of the great villains in cinema. The skyscraper serves as the perfect backdrop for all the raw action that builds and builds and never lets up. They don't make action movies like this anymore.

Best Quote (Besides the obvious):

Hans Gruber: I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest - of - his life.

Escape from New York (1981)

And the KURT RUSSELL QUADFECTA is complete!

We're moving from bearded Kurt Russell to eye patch Kurt Russell in his most famous role, Snake Plissken in Escape from New York. Russell pioneers the gravelly-voiced anti-hero who DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT in this flick. In fact, his voice is so gravelly he could make a gravel road feel like a complete pussy - now that's hardcore.

This movie looks ahead to the future year of...1997 (gasp) where New York City is similar to today in that it's a shithole prison that no one can escape from...except that it's literally a prison in this movie instead of metaphorically like in real life. The United States is at war with China and Russia (or something) and, on his way to deliver a cassette tape of Madonna's Greatest Hits to the rival countries, Air Force One is shot down over NYC and the president is taken hostage by the inmates. Guess who has to save him?

Once again Kurt Russell and John Carpenter team up for a winning combination. The entire budget for this film was $23.17 and what Carpenter manages to pull off with that budget is nothing short of amazing. He even manages to buy a limo with chandelier hood ornaments for Isaac Hayes (playing the Duke of New York) to drive around in. The sets look amazing for the low budget and he most definitely gets his money's worth out of Kurt Russell's performance.

The following example sums up Kurt Russell's entire effort in this film: while he's saving the president, Snake gets shot with an arrow in the leg. Russell then proceeds to sell the injury FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. He limps from that point on all the way until the credits roll. Now that's dedication. Any modern action hero would sell the injury for about five minutes and then be running a track meet in the next scene...not Kurt Russell. That's why he's his generation's Nick Cage.

As much as I enjoy me some Kurt Russell, the performance of the guy who plays Romero (the insane shark man to the left) totally steals the show. This guy is so over-the-top awesome it's hard to describe just how totally sweet he actually is. Even his death is so entirely overly ridiculous that I prayed he would come back to life just so I could watch him die again.

So for now we escape not only New York but the blinding glow that is Kurt Russell's brilliance. So long, Kurt Russell. May your beard always be luscious, your voice gravelly, and may you always find big trouble, even in little places. RESPECT!

Why it's Awesome: Kurt Russell running around a Carpenter film with an eye patch, a gun, and nano-nucler bombs imbedded in his neck, all the while not giving a shit about any of it. Sign my ass up!

Best Quote:
Hauk: You gonna kill me, Snake?
Snake: Not now. I'm too tired...maybe later.

Last Man Standing (1996)

The great thing about 90s action movies was that no one ever had to reload...EVER!

Last Man Standing is a classic 90s action movie starring one of the three main men of action, Bruce "I'll Die Harder" Willis. Not only do you get Willis in this one but famed B-movie megastar, Bruce Dern, and...(wait for it)...CHRISTOPHER FUCKIN' WALKEN playing a hired gun baddy who is so badass that not only did he murder his parents by slitting their throats when he was an infant but then he burnt down the orphanage they stuck him in afterwards. Now that's badass...

Here's the story: Willis plays John Smith, a gun-slinging loner who stumbles into a Texas town run by two rival gangs during 1930s Prohibition. Since he's so hardcore, he joins BOTH gangs and just guns down everyone for cold, hard cash. Then, for no reason at all, he turns into a total pussy and helps two sluts who are banging the heads of each gang...which totally pisses these dudes off, ya know. So they mess him up and then Smith has to just fuckin' lay waste to everyone, firing as many bullets single-handedly as were used in the entire Afghanistan War. The end.

The action is way, way, way over the top to a ridiculous degree. The action is more over the top than the movie, Over the Top (all right, maybe it's not that over the top). Even though the guns Smith carries hold about seven bullets, he activates his Infinite Ammo cheat and just sprays bullets everywhere. Each guy he kills he shoots about 47 times, some long after they're obviously dead. And the best part about this movie is that when he shoots someone, the act of shooting them actually suspends the laws of gravity and the victim flies about fifteen feet into the air like a helium balloon or does nine consecutive backflips like an Olympic gymnast. It's fairly badass.

And can I just end by saying that Bruce Willis has a great "gun face." You know, the expression he wears while he's firing a gun. It's pretty good. I'm not sure it's Antonio Banderas in Desperado good but it's still pretty good. The picture below from College Humor is a pretty good example of what Willis's face looks like the entire movie...

Why It's Awesome: This movie really marks one of the last straight-up badass tough guy movies of the 90s before everyone turned into sopping wet pussies in the New Millennium. Once Matrix hit it big, the action genre officially died and was replaced by special effects bullshit.

Best Quote:

Finn: I guess you'll just have to kill me.

Smith: It'll hurt if I do.

They Live (1988)

Forget that this movie stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

Forget that this movie contains one of the longest and illogical fights scenes of all time (at five minutes and twenty seconds it may be THE longest fight scene in cinematic history).
Forget that the basis of the movie is that a drifter finds a pair of "special" sunglasses that allows him to see the world for what it truly is, a consumer-based slave ship run by aliens using subliminal messages.

This is a good fuckin' movie because it does what many movies fail to do...it SAYS something.
This movie was made in the late 80s at the height of the yuppie movement that would swell into the net boom of the 90s. It's a movie that warned of the dangers of consumerism and the use of media to control the middle class and turn them into mindless cattle.

Talk about a movie that needs to be remade!

The ten minute section of the film when Piper first finds the sunglasses and wanders around the city seeing the world for what it truly is is one of the most poignant and haunting statements of our modern world ever captured on film. Billboards, magazines, political ads, and television commercials contain subliminal messages such as:

Obey
No Imagination
Surrender
Do not question authority
Consume

And the most telling of all, printed on dollar bills: THIS IS YOUR GOD.

And the scariest part of the whole alien conspiracy is that there are humans who have knowledge of the plot but are actively assisting the aliens for financial gain, selling out their own species for the Almighty Dollar.

If you ask me, we've been sleeping for the past thirty years, refusing to question authority and consuming like the good little sheep that we are. The middle class is dwindling and constantly under attack while the upper class, the ones responsible for the financial crisis, continue to increase their wealth and power base. You don't need a pair of special sunglasses to see the working man is being fucked in the ass but it ain't aliens doing the fucking...

Why It's Awesome: It's social commentary that works. Sure, the movie breaks down into Piper running around with a shotgun with seemingly infinite ammo blasting aliens left and right but the build-up to the senseless action is enough to persuade me to arm myself and form a militia.

Best Quote (a classic...):
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Cliffhanger (1993)

Now this is classic 90s Stallone and one that often falls under the action movie radar...CLIFFHANGER!

Easily one of the best openings to any action movie ever (so famous Ace Ventura 2 parodied it in its opening sequence) where Stallone has to go save his best friend's bitch from the top of a mountain because his friend is a pussy and hurt his leg and the dumb bitch is too lazy to climb her fat ass down. So Sly comes up there climbing 10,000 feet with his bare hands and sends this dumb cunt over to a helicopter on a long wire and her safety equipment fails, sending her dangling from her safety harness over miles of nothing but air and certain death. So Sly, like the pimp that he is, goes out there to save her and when the dumb bitch falls anyway, his friend blames HIM for her falling, which completely kicks logic in the balls because she was falling long before Sly went out to get her, but you know what? Who cares about logic?! It's fucking CLIFFHANGER!

This movie is so balls-out awesome that it's in the Guinness Book of World Records for including the most expensive stunt ever performed in a film. In what can only be described as ludicrously dangerous, a zip line is connected from one plane flying in midair to another and some FUCKING INSANE guy zips from one plane to the other plane flying exactly 210,000 miles in the stratosphere! That guy got paid a cool million to do that shit. If they made this movie today, instead of paying some stuntman with balls of steel to perform a stunt that will instantly murder him, they'd have some pussy on a computer create the scene with blue cat people dancing around looking like fucking cartoon characters on a green screen. That's the difference between hardcore 90s action movies and the computer-generated bullshit of today. The 90s had balls, but we've got a sopping wet pussy generated on a computer.

In addition to all THAT, you've got a stalagmite (or is it stalactite?) kill, some of the best "action running as something in the background explodes) shots ever, and John Lithgow playing one of the most cliche "elegant but deadly" bad guys in cinema history. GOD THE 90S KICKED ASS! Everyone was rich and employed and action movies consisted of actual real-life ACTION. In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...God bless America!

Why It's Awesome: Stallone is so hardcore he fights off the effects of hypothermia wearing nothing but a wet t-shirt in -11 degree weather. Jackets are for PUSSIES!

Best Quote:

Travers: FETCH!!! (screaming into Sly's face like he's a dog).

Total Recall (1990)

"TWO WEEKS!"

I've had a bad taste in my mouth ever since reviewing Running Man, which is easily one of my least favorite Arnold flicks, mainly because I'm a huge Arnold mark, but, c'mon, those fucking tight-ass jumpsuits? There are some things of Arnold I just don't want to see.

But Total Recall? This is Arnold and sci-fi done right. Most of Arnold's best movies fall into the sci-fi genre (Predator, Terminator, Total Recall) with the exception of Commando (the greatest over-the-top action movie of all time).

"TWO WEEKS!"

Let's do the action movie checklist:

Arnold...CHECK!

Hot-ass 80's slut (Sharon Stone)...CHECK!

Arnold using a guy as a human shield for an inordinate amount of time...CHECK!

A chick with three tits...CHECK!

Some gross Siamese fetus who lives in another's dude's chest...CHECK!

Arnold killing a guy with a giant drill...CHECK!

Arnold saying cool stuff when he kills someone ("See you at the party, Richter!")...CHECK!

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty sweet-ass rundown. This is what a sci-fi action movie should be. And the special effects? For 1990, they don't get much better than this. In the first scene when the glass on Arnold's helmet breaks and his neck muscles contract and his eyes bulge out of his head, you're all like, "Oh, man, that's awesome. Look at his eyes. They're all bulgy and shit."

Unfortunately, this movie is often overshadowed by James Cameron's sci-fi action masterpiece Terminator 2, but give Total Recall its due. This is Arnold at his best and a perfect example of why when it came to 90's action flicks, Arnold was the king.

Why It's Awesome: Action, adventure, mystery, and a mutant chick with three tits. Plus, the story ain't bad for a sci-fi flick. Was the entire adventure real or nothing more than the wet dream of a lobotimized Quaid? Hmmm...maybe too deep for an Arnold flick.

Best Quote:

Mars Customs Agent: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Excuse me?

Quaid in Disguise: TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEKS! TWWWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEKSSSSS!

Army of Darkness (1992)

Hail to the king, baby...

If the difference in tone was significant between the original Evil Dead and its sequel, then be prepared to enter a different universe with Army of Darkness. In fact, I have to agree with the fans who say this shouldn't even be counted as an Evil Dead movie. It's not. Bruce Campbell isn't even acting here. He's not Ash...he's fucking BRUCE CAMPBELL. The opening even says, "Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness."

Sure, we get one outing with the Evil-cam but all the original horror elements have vanished here (including the over-the-top gore), replaced with ridiculous slapstick comedy (Ash vs. tiny Ash clones and then Ash vs. skeleton mannequins) and one-liners spit out by a hardcore action hero equipped with a chainsaw and his trademark, "boomstick."

There's a reason Army of Darkness is a cult classic...mainly because it's FUCKING AWESOME! This movie kicks the shit out of basically every movie made between the years 2000 - 2010. At no point was this trying to be anything but campy action fun featuring Bruce Campbell. I don't even think this movie was made to make money (an impossible feat by today's standards). It just seems like a movie where a bunch of buddies got together with millions of dollars and said, "Let's make a movie that kicks ass about Bruce fighting a bunch of skeleton dummies and throw in some cheap claymation." And you know what? They succeeded.

No one can watch this movie and not have fun. I watched this movie with my wife (who is a big fan of another Raimi project, Xena: Warrior Slut) and even she enjoyed it. Of course, that could have something to do with her being wet for Bruce Campbell, but, in all fairness, who ISN'T wet for Bruce Campbell? Fuck, I'm wet for Bruce Campbell. Groovy...

Why It's Awesome: Two Words...Bruce Campbell.

Best Quotes (Here we go...):

"You see this? This is my BOOMSTICK!"

"Shop smart...shop S-Mart."

"You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

"Honey, you got real ugly."

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)

Groovy...

Wow. Talk about a major difference in tone! The first Evil Dead was a straight up B horror flick (with a tree raping scene). Evil Dead II, however, is such an odd blend of horror and humor that there's literally no movie it can be compared to. Evil Dead is essentially its own genre.

I will say that The Three Stooges inspired most of this movie's humor, BUT...(wait for it)...the comedic scenes were my LEAST favorite parts of the movie. In fact, I found the first forty minutes of the film difficult to watch. We get a fast-forward retelling of the original movie in the first five minutes and then the next half hour is Ash's one man show (Ash trying to escape, Ash fighting a head, Ash fighting a headless body, Ash fighting his own hand, etc.)

The major gripe I have with the first act of the film is that it has absolutely NO direction. A story is almost non-existent until we see Annie and her brother traveling to the cabin. Ash doesn't seem to have any plan for escaping the cabin or surviving the Deadite invasion. In fact, the FIRST time the movie feels like it has any objective is when Ash and Annie need to descend into the cellar to retrieve the pages from the Book of the Dead and that's 20 minutes before the end of the movie.

Of course, this flick is a classic for a reason. The character of Ash has evolved, ladies and gentleman. We no longer have the sopping wet pussy from the first film. No, sir, Ash is a hardcore badass by the time the credits roll at the end of the second movie and yes, I will admit that when Ash attached that chainsaw to his hand and sawed off the barrel of that shotgun, I did sprout a groovy boner right there on the spot. The camera work is still mind-blowing, especially the scene where the Evil chases Ash through the cabin...another boner-inducing moment. And the gore, yes, the gore is absolutely insane. When Jake gets sucked down into the fruit cellar and a torrential spray of blood erupts from the cellar door like he's being shoved into a giant paper shredder, that was an EPIC WIN for horror gore-fans everywhere.

And the ending left me thirsty for Army of Darkness and the conclusion of the series. Hail to the king, baby!

Why It's Awesome: If you tell me to picture the most hardcore badass I could possibly imagine, it's a man with a chainsaw for a hand and armed with a sawed-off shotgun and that's exactly what we get in this movie.

Best Quote: Although I love "Groovy," I'm going to have to go with...

Henrietta: Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh sooooooul!

Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)

This is a movie that has grown on me over time. No, it's not Die Hard (the single greatest action movie ever made), but it's a fun movie with plenty of action and a great buddy-comedy dynamic. Before we go any further, let's do the order:

1) Die Hard

2) Die Hard with a Vengeance

3)Die Hard 2: Die Harder

4: Die Hard: Die Hardest

5: Live Free or Die Hard

Talk about great fucking movie titles. Die Hard with a Vengeance is the single greatest sequel title ever written by man. Imagine how much more successful other movies would be if they followed Die Hard's formula. Toy Story hit it big at the box office over the summer, but how huge would it have been if it had been called Toy Story...WITH A VENGEANCE!

But on to the movie. The first hour of this thing is stellar...just non-stop action. We've got John McClane back in New York, teaming up with the greatest black sidekick of the 90's, Samuel L. Jackson, running around solving riddles spun by the voice of Scar from Lion King, Jeremy Irons. Beast! Is there a more creative scene in any movie than John McClane walking around Harlem wearing a sandwich board that reads "I HATE NIGGERS"? If there is, I sure as hell haven't seen it. And the insane drive through Central Park? Just great stuff here.

But after the first hour, things start to fall apart. They stray from the original script and it's obvious because the riddles (which were the most interesting part of the first hour) disappear and are replaced by your usual cliche 90's action scenes. Sure, the elevator fight scene is badass, but, following the subway blast, things go downhill fast until they bottom out at the "Nuking the Fridge" moment with John surfing a dump truck...yeah...

And the ending? What the fuck happened? The entire finale at the truck depot is an EPIC FAIL! They should have stuck with the original ending where Simon gets away with the heist and John meets up with him at a bar and they play a game of chicken with a Chinese rocket launcher. Now that's worth a YIPPEE KI AYE, MOTHER FUCKER!

Why It's Awesome: The moral of the movie is simple: Don't go to school or you'll die in a terrible Jell-O explosion. Zues encourages his nephews to go to school and they almost die. This is a movie every child should see.

Best Quote Besides Yippee-Kai-Aye, mother fucker:

Simon (on the walkie-talkie): Nils, you can close up now. [no response] Nils!

McClane (on walkie-talkie): Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head!

Road House (1989)

Ask me what the greatest comedy of the 80's was and I won't answer Caddyshack or National Lampoon's Vacation or Ghostbusters. No, to me, the greatest comedy of the 80's is clear. The answer? ROAD HOUSE!

I know the movie wasn't trying to be funny, but its attempt at making a testosterone-filled "guy movie" backfired and instead borders on gay porn at times. I know Dalton fucks a pretty hot 80's chick at one point but that is easily canceled out by him doing Tai Chi half naked while the fat Santa Clause farmer watches him and beats off and Swayze's gay ballerina dancing throughout the whole movie. Oh, and if we're talking about the gayness we can't forget about the guy with the perm who admits that he fucks men...if that's not gay, I don't know what is.

As cheesy as this movie is at times, it's the dialogue that rockets this film from cheese to EPIC CHEESE! Some of my favorite lines:

"Pain don't hurt."

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison."

"You're too stupid to have a good time."

"Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?"

And the bar being called "The Double Deuce" is just the icing on the cake. Basically the place is called "The Double Shit" which is fitting.

I want to see a remake of this film with Will Ferrell in the Swayze role. You don't have to change anything else. Remake it line for line, scene for scene, with Ferrell as the lead and you've got yourself the greatest comedy ever made. Hollywood, make it happen!

Just remember...pain don't hurt (even though that's the definition of pain).

Why It's Awesome: A bar fight erupts every fifteen minutes and there's a random strip scene with a smoking hot 80's chick for no particular reason. Plus, Road House provides you with quotes that are useful in everyday life. If your boss pisses you off, just tell him, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Works like a charm.

Best Quote: Geez...let's see...THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!