Piranha 3D (2010)

If there's one thing Hollywood has proven time and time again it's that you can't purposely make a bad movie.

Take Piranha 3D (or 2D if you're not lucky enough to see all the boobs in 3D) for example. It's a contemporary tribute to the B horror movies of the past, but, unfortunately, it lacks all the charm of those movies that attempt to make a decent movie and just fail...in epic fashion. This movie just fails.

An earthquake opens up a cave housing a species of prehistoric piranhas during Spring Break. Perfect story for a B horror movie. Sounds like an alley-oop for an easy slam dunk, right? WRONG!

This movie contains all the elements of a great bad movie: cheesy special effects + scary creatures eating stupid kids + boobs. It even sports the greatest cast of any B horror movie ever with the likes of Richard Dreyfuss (in a tribute to Jaws), Christopher Lloyd (in full Doc Brown mode), Ving Rhames, Adam Scott, Jerry O'Connell (Sliders is still one of my favorite TV shows ever), and a plethora of porn stars. With all these arrows in its quiver, how could this movie not be good, right?

The only problem is it's not...not even close. I feel like this movie was made for teenage boys to whack off to, and that's its only purpose. It has all the elements of a bad movie, but it has too much of them. The cheesy piranhas look almost too good. The dump of decent actors makes me think the acting should be better. There are plenty of creative, gory deaths, but there are so many creative, gory deaths that eventually they just stop having any kind of effect at all. There's like a 20 minute massacre of spring breakers that I actually left in the middle of to go to the bathroom and get a snack and when I came back it was STILL going on and I STILL didn't care.

The truly perplexing part of Pirahna 3D's failure is that (and I can't believe I'm actually going to write this) there are too many (seriously, I NEVER thought I'd write this)...sigh...boobs. There are too many boobs in this movie! How could that be possible?! But strangely, impossibly, it is! I remember watching the old Friday the 13th movies where there would often be a topless young woman skinny-dipping or having sex with some guy with a perm and there'd be a few seconds of bare booby. And I remember my breath catching in my throat and my hand instinctively rubbing the inside of my thigh, and that image would stay with me for weeks. Piranha shovels boob after boob after boob onto the screen without any discretion or shame, and, like the gory deaths, there just came a point where I didn't care anymore and for that, I can never, ever forgive this film. It made me indifferent to boobs.

Of course, I can't mention this film without mentioning the underwater lesbian nude scene set to opera music. The scene is the movie's only salvation and indifferent is the last word I would use to describe my feelings toward it. So for that, Piranha 3D, and that alone I salute you...from the waist down!

Why It's Not So Awesome: It tries to be a good bad movie and just ends up being a bad bad movie...which is as bad as it gets. And too many boobs! Boobs should be shown with discretion to maximize their impact. Think Fast Times at Ridgemont Hight, which uses boobs better than any movie in cinematic history.

Best Quote:

Andrew: It's never cheating when it's with another chick.