Independence Day (1996)

"Welcome to Earth!"

This may just be the greatest movie ever made..by man...ever. Don't get me wrong, it's dumb. It's straight-up retarded by movie standards. Cheesy dialogue. Suspect acting. A total disregard for common sense and reality. But goddamn does it know it's dumb! And it bathes in its own stupidity. This is the definition of a "popcorn movie." It's not trying to be anything but entertaining. And in that endeavor, it succeeds.

Aliens have come to strip mine earth because instead of funding renewable energy sources, they allowed Republicans to convince people that fracking the shit out of their planet was the best thing to do. So they show up on Earth and just blow the holy fuck out of every imaginable landmark possible - the Empire State Building, the White House, and whatever they blow up in Los Angeles. Because the logical thing to do if you're there to mine natural resources is to blow the fuck out of the entire planet. The only hope for the human race is a black guy, a drunk, and a bunch of Jews. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

I just love how unapologetically stupid this movie is. After Will Smith (hot off his Fresh Prince stint) crashes with the alien spaceship, the alien (who is a brine shrimp in a suit of armor) emerges from the ship and Will Smith punches it in the face...while it's wearing ARMOR...and knocks it out. What? Its armor protected it from a plane crash, but it couldn't protect it from Will Smith's fist? That's how they roll in Bel-Air, bitch!

Then there's the great moment in Area 51 where President Bill Pullman (who keeps voting for this guy for president?) gets attacked by the brine shrimp telepathically and it allows President Pullman to see its thoughts and quickly blurt out an attempt to create a storyline. "I saw its thoughts. They move from planet to planet blowing up miniatures of important landmarks." Again...WHAT? Why would the alien be thinking of that at that moment? Wouldn't it be thinking, "I'm totally going to kill this guy because he'll probably stop being cast in movies anyways after the 90s and just do shitty TV shows?" That alien knew what it was talking about.

And then there's the ending...WOW! Dumbest ending ever? Possibly. Jeff Goldblum, super-Jew, invents a COMPUTER VIRUS that corrupts the aliens' defense systems, shuts down their force fields, and allows a drunk Randy Quaid (who didn't even know he was shooting a movie) to kamikaze into their spaceship's giant wang and take the whole thing down. SERIOUSLY? What, these aliens don't have Norton anti-virus where they're from? Did they forget to download the latest updates?

This is a constant problem in alien movies. If aliens are smart enough to create intergalactic space travel, something we are centuries from achieving, then everything they do has to be on that level. They can't be taken down by a COMPUTER VIRUS (or locked in a closet, M Night). They would have a fucking firewall, bitch! They would have Norton version 4000 + 1. It's dumb. It's so, so dumb.

Still, despite this movie riding the short bus to school, it's still a fun movie. I could watch that White House blow up all day long, and when that alien spaceship first emerges from the storm cloud...that's a great movie moment. This movie will forever hold a special place in my heart because after I saw it on opening weekend with my sisters, I went home and basically recreated the entire movie with Power Rangers and Barbies...and my version contained less plot holes than the original.

Why It's Awesome: Aliens show up and blow shit up. End. Oh, and Will Smith punches an alien wearing a metal exoskeleton in the face and knocks it out. "Now that's what I call a close encounter."

Best Quote:

Russell: All right, you alien assholes! In the words of my generation: Up Yours!!!

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Our travels through time come to an end with not only one of the best time-traveling movies of all-time, but one of, if not THE BEST sci-fi action movie ever made.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a masterpiece of popcorn films. It should have won every Oscar ever made upon its release. Unfortunately, the Oscars are for pretentious bullshit, not kick-ass action movies with time-traveling robots. And although the storyline of the first Terminator is the only one of the franchise that makes sense, Terminator 2 takes everything that was awesome about the first movie and does it ten times awesomer.

First of all, taking the villain from the first movie and then making him the hero of the second...BRILLIANT! You've got this strange dynamic where now Sarah Connor has to trust the very machine that chased her around for an hour-and-a-half trying to kill her. That's awesome.

Then you make the machine that seemed so unstoppable in the first film a total underdog by creating an even more badass (and much creepier) machine in the T-1000. A liquid-metal robot that can replicate anyone, form blades and knives with its arms, and get shot, like, a bazillion times, even frozen and shattered, and just shake it off like nothing happened? Um, YES PLEASE! They couldn't even come up with a more bad-ass machine for the third film (The T-X, pa-leeze, bitch!) because the T-1000 maxed out on every possible bad-ass o' meter.

The special effects were not only good for the time, but they totally hold up even now more than two decades later. James Cameron was still using special effects to enhance movies at this time instead of just whoring them out as the entire reason for the movie's existence (Avatar, I'm looking at you!). Nothing looks cheesy, but it also doesn't look like a giant cartoon either.

The thing that really makes this film stand out is that not only are the action set pieces amazing (The chase with the dirt bike and the semi, the escape at the mental institution, the raid on Cyberdyne, EVERYTHING at the steel mill), but it has a depth that is totally unmatched in any other action film. The relationship between John and the Terminator is one of a father/son, and the metamorphosis of a machine that kills without remorse to a machine that realizes the value of human life is one of the great character arcs in all of cinema. When Arnold is being lowered into that molten lava, you're fighting back tears! For a goddamn machine! That's great story-telling.

Contrary to popular belief, it was James Cameron who made these movies great, not Arnold. You saw what happened in T-3 when Arnold is present and Cameron isn't (total trainwreck). The worst part is that the third movie totally cancels out EVERYTHING that happened in the second film...which is a shame because it's the third film that someone should travel back in time to prevent.

I only have one complaint about T-2, and it's something that bothers me every single time I watch it. After the T-800 terminates the T-1000 in the lava and we've all just witnessed one of the great action movies of our time, Arnold (in a totally ad-libbed scene) approaches John and Sarah and delivers one of the WORST lines in cinematic history. He says, "I need a vacation." WHAT?! Why would a machine even know what a vacation is?! Why would he even need one?! He can't get tired, he doesn't know what relaxation is! A vacation?! Cameron, how could you let that one slide! BAH!

But other than that, it's awesome...

Why It's Awesome:

Two time-traveling robots, a totally bad-ass Linda Hamilton in a wife-beater, and a kid in a movie who isn't a whiny bitch. What a movie!

Best Line That Hasn't Become a Total Cliché:

T-800: I know now why you cry...but it is something I can never do.

Face/Off (1997)

To cancel out the general pussyness of Valentine's Day, I'm watching MAN MOVIES this month.

I'm starting the month with one of the greatest and least plausible action movies of the late 90s, Face/Off starring two of the most over-the-top actors of the 90s, John Travolta and the emperor of over-the-top performances, the man who owns a dinosaur skull, Nick Cage!

The movie premise is ludicrous...and awesome in its absurdity. After finally capturing the man who killed his son, Sean Archer, the head of a secret anti-terrorist organization, must cut off the face of his arch-nemesis, Castor Troy (totally sweet name, by the way) and wear it around while pretending to be Castor in an overly elaborate scheme to convince Castor's brother to give up the location of a bomb planted SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles.

Of course, then Castor wakes up from his coma and is super pissed to discover he no longer has a face so HE starts wearing Archer's face and becomes HIM so the two mortal enemies have become each other and since they're both totally pissed off they have to have a FACE OFF!

What I'm trying to tell you is that the plot doesn't matter; it's just an excuse to blow shit up and have everyone fire bullets at each other in slow motion while doves fly all over the place.

Speaking of doves, the movie is directed by over-the-top action specialist, John Woo, so you know exactly what to expect. Here's the totally kick-ass John Woo action movie checklist:

1) Barrels of gasoline sitting around for no apparent reason other than to be blown up....CHECK!

2) A bad guy who wields double pistols and makes heavy use of an infinite ammo cheat....CHECK!

3) Slow motion explosions, walking, gun battles...pretty much anything that looks cooler slower...CHECK!

4) Doves flying around inside a building (also in slow motion, mind you) for no other reason than to look cool flapping around during a Mexican stand-off...CHECK!

The action sequences in this scene are rather boss. Let's see...

There's the opening capture of Castor Troy at the airport...which is AWESOME!

There's the escape from the super-secret hidden prison from which there is no escape...which is AWESOME!

But the MOST awesome action scene is the raid on Dietrich's drug den when drug dealers and SWAT team members and hookers are all getting shot up while "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays in the background. What better song to be the soundtrack to a hooker's death than "Somewhere Over the Rainbow?"

Now I know this movie is over-the-top action movie madness, but there are a few things that I can't let fly without mentioning.

The first is the weird wiping-the-hand-down-people's-faces thing that the Archer family does. This is obviously supposed to fit into the theme of faces and all, but if someone in my family tried to drag their hand down the front of my face, I would bite their fucking fingers off.

The other thing that always bothers me is that while Castor is wearing Archer's face, he bangs Archer's wife. Ok. I get that he looks like Archer and he sounds like Archer, but are we meant to believe that these men have identical wangs as well? C'mon! Mrs. Archer had to notice that that was not her husband's cock. And do they fuck exactly the same? Wake up, lady! That is not your husband's cock in your mouth and now you have the herp!

Oh, and finally, I hate the ending where Archer replaces his dead son with Castor's estranged (and now orphaned) son, thus inviting into his family the son of the man who killed his son. What?

Still, one cannot fault a movie that allows Nicholas Cage to play not one but TWO parts in the same movie. I'm still waiting for a movie where ALL the parts are played by Nick Cage. Being Nick Cage! Someone make that shit happen!

Why It's Awesome:

John Travolta and Nick Cage face off in a totally unrealistic John Woo 90s action movie. WIN!

Best Quote:

{Dr. Walsh is brought in front of Castor Troy, who no longer has a face}
Dr. Walsh: What do you want?
Troy: Take one goddamn guess!

Leon: The Professional (1994)

There's a reason this movie is in my list of top 10 movies OF ALL TIME!!! This movie is also the reason I will have an eternal boner for Natalie Portman (Why couldn't that baby be mine?)

If you've never seen this movie, you must, absolutely MUST, see the International Cut of the film. This is an extended cut of the movie and includes super uncomfortable borderline pedophile scenes that were considered to be too edgy for American audiences since we're all a bunch of fucking pussies. Seriously, though, they add to the overall quality of the story and the movie in general. Basically the movie was originally intended to be an action version of the book, Lolita.

The plot of the movie goes like this: an emotionally damaged hitman takes in a young girl after her family is murdered by crooked DEA agents and he teaches her his trade as she seeks vengeance against her family's murderer. In the hands of a lesser director, this would have been just another POS mid-90's action flick with a father/daughter twist, but Luc Besson makes it something special. The French have only done a few things right in their history (French toast, French fries, French kissing...), but this movie is right up there with menage a trois!

If there's a single reason why this movie cracks EPIC status it's the three main leads. Jean Reno and Natalie Portman have perfect chemistry as the father/daughter team who might fuck each other. Reno totally nails the lead as the hitman who survives by following strict rules and 12-year-old Portman is absolutely masterful as the girl who forces Leon to break all those rules. There's a reason this bitch has an Oscar, ladies and gentlemen.

And then there's Gary Fuckin' Oldman. God, this guy's good. In one of the truly underrated bad guy performances of all time, Oldman straight up OWNS as Agent Stanfield, a drugged-up crooked cop who loves Beethoven and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty to get the job done. Talk about creepy! Fuck Commissioner Gordon! This is Oldman in his fucking prime and is easily one of my favorite performances ever (not quite Doc Holliday worthy but up there).

Why It's Awesome: Kick-ass performances and a movie that successfully centers around character relationships instead of relying solely on action...which it has in spades. Acting, plot, directing, and writing are all house on this one.

Best Quote:

Stansfield: It's always the same thing. It's when you start to really fear death that you truly appreciate life. Do you like life, sweetheart?

Mathilda: Yes.

Stansfield: That's good because I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person who doesn't care about it.

Last Man Standing (1996)

The great thing about 90s action movies was that no one ever had to reload...EVER!

Last Man Standing is a classic 90s action movie starring one of the three main men of action, Bruce "I'll Die Harder" Willis. Not only do you get Willis in this one but famed B-movie megastar, Bruce Dern, and...(wait for it)...CHRISTOPHER FUCKIN' WALKEN playing a hired gun baddy who is so badass that not only did he murder his parents by slitting their throats when he was an infant but then he burnt down the orphanage they stuck him in afterwards. Now that's badass...

Here's the story: Willis plays John Smith, a gun-slinging loner who stumbles into a Texas town run by two rival gangs during 1930s Prohibition. Since he's so hardcore, he joins BOTH gangs and just guns down everyone for cold, hard cash. Then, for no reason at all, he turns into a total pussy and helps two sluts who are banging the heads of each gang...which totally pisses these dudes off, ya know. So they mess him up and then Smith has to just fuckin' lay waste to everyone, firing as many bullets single-handedly as were used in the entire Afghanistan War. The end.

The action is way, way, way over the top to a ridiculous degree. The action is more over the top than the movie, Over the Top (all right, maybe it's not that over the top). Even though the guns Smith carries hold about seven bullets, he activates his Infinite Ammo cheat and just sprays bullets everywhere. Each guy he kills he shoots about 47 times, some long after they're obviously dead. And the best part about this movie is that when he shoots someone, the act of shooting them actually suspends the laws of gravity and the victim flies about fifteen feet into the air like a helium balloon or does nine consecutive backflips like an Olympic gymnast. It's fairly badass.

And can I just end by saying that Bruce Willis has a great "gun face." You know, the expression he wears while he's firing a gun. It's pretty good. I'm not sure it's Antonio Banderas in Desperado good but it's still pretty good. The picture below from College Humor is a pretty good example of what Willis's face looks like the entire movie...

Why It's Awesome: This movie really marks one of the last straight-up badass tough guy movies of the 90s before everyone turned into sopping wet pussies in the New Millennium. Once Matrix hit it big, the action genre officially died and was replaced by special effects bullshit.

Best Quote:

Finn: I guess you'll just have to kill me.

Smith: It'll hurt if I do.

From Dusk till Dawn (1996)

I wonder if George Clooney ever regrets this one?

I know I'll take some heat for this one, but let me just preface this statement by saying I'm a Tarentino fan and I'm a big Robert Rodriguez guy. I love almost all the shit they've done sans the Spy Kids bullshit on the Rodriguez front. So here's the statement: This is a good movie UNTIL the vampires come into play.

I know senseless violence is at the heart of both Tarentino and Rodriguez's films, but they need to stick to human-on-human violence because the last half of this movie is a FUCKING MESS...and not in a good way. First of all, they totally botch the vampire rules. They're basically using zombie rules where if someone gets bit by a vampire (anywhere...even on the arm) they become a vampire, but that's NOT how you become a vampire, that's how you become a zombie. Becoming a vampire is way more complicated and requires the exchange of blood and filling out a bunch of forms in triplicate. Plus there's no consistancy with how fast people turn. Jacob doesn't turn after being bitten for almost an hour while Frost changes instantaneously. Consistancy, people!

I'm not saying it's a terrible movie; I'm just saying all the FAIL moments cancel out all the WIN moments. For example...

Selma Hayek's boner-inducing dance number in the Titty Twister....WIN!
Juliette "The Other Sister" Lewis taking a dump...FAIL!
George Clooney acting like a badass...WIN!
Quentin Tarantino acting...FAIL!
Clooney using a jackhammer staking machine to dust vamps...WIN!
Sex Machine's dick gun...EPIC FAIL!

I'm a much bigger fan of the first half of the movie where the Geckos hijack the Fuller family and there's some actual character development and tension. That all goes out the window as soon as the crew hit the vampire-infested Titty Twister. Plus, what is with that ending?! The Other Sister is the lone survivor of her family and Clooney and his gay tattoo just leave her there in the desert. He could have at least banged her retarded ass for her troubles...

Why It's Awesome: Classic Tarentino dialogue and Rodriguez violence and Selma Hayek ranking fairly high on my Boner Jams Collection. Plus some of the vamp kills are pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Satanico Pandemonium: Welcome to slavery!
Seth Gecko: No thanks. I've already had a wife.

Cliffhanger (1993)

Now this is classic 90s Stallone and one that often falls under the action movie radar...CLIFFHANGER!

Easily one of the best openings to any action movie ever (so famous Ace Ventura 2 parodied it in its opening sequence) where Stallone has to go save his best friend's bitch from the top of a mountain because his friend is a pussy and hurt his leg and the dumb bitch is too lazy to climb her fat ass down. So Sly comes up there climbing 10,000 feet with his bare hands and sends this dumb cunt over to a helicopter on a long wire and her safety equipment fails, sending her dangling from her safety harness over miles of nothing but air and certain death. So Sly, like the pimp that he is, goes out there to save her and when the dumb bitch falls anyway, his friend blames HIM for her falling, which completely kicks logic in the balls because she was falling long before Sly went out to get her, but you know what? Who cares about logic?! It's fucking CLIFFHANGER!

This movie is so balls-out awesome that it's in the Guinness Book of World Records for including the most expensive stunt ever performed in a film. In what can only be described as ludicrously dangerous, a zip line is connected from one plane flying in midair to another and some FUCKING INSANE guy zips from one plane to the other plane flying exactly 210,000 miles in the stratosphere! That guy got paid a cool million to do that shit. If they made this movie today, instead of paying some stuntman with balls of steel to perform a stunt that will instantly murder him, they'd have some pussy on a computer create the scene with blue cat people dancing around looking like fucking cartoon characters on a green screen. That's the difference between hardcore 90s action movies and the computer-generated bullshit of today. The 90s had balls, but we've got a sopping wet pussy generated on a computer.

In addition to all THAT, you've got a stalagmite (or is it stalactite?) kill, some of the best "action running as something in the background explodes) shots ever, and John Lithgow playing one of the most cliche "elegant but deadly" bad guys in cinema history. GOD THE 90S KICKED ASS! Everyone was rich and employed and action movies consisted of actual real-life ACTION. In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...God bless America!

Why It's Awesome: Stallone is so hardcore he fights off the effects of hypothermia wearing nothing but a wet t-shirt in -11 degree weather. Jackets are for PUSSIES!

Best Quote:

Travers: FETCH!!! (screaming into Sly's face like he's a dog).

Total Recall (1990)

"TWO WEEKS!"

I've had a bad taste in my mouth ever since reviewing Running Man, which is easily one of my least favorite Arnold flicks, mainly because I'm a huge Arnold mark, but, c'mon, those fucking tight-ass jumpsuits? There are some things of Arnold I just don't want to see.

But Total Recall? This is Arnold and sci-fi done right. Most of Arnold's best movies fall into the sci-fi genre (Predator, Terminator, Total Recall) with the exception of Commando (the greatest over-the-top action movie of all time).

"TWO WEEKS!"

Let's do the action movie checklist:

Arnold...CHECK!

Hot-ass 80's slut (Sharon Stone)...CHECK!

Arnold using a guy as a human shield for an inordinate amount of time...CHECK!

A chick with three tits...CHECK!

Some gross Siamese fetus who lives in another's dude's chest...CHECK!

Arnold killing a guy with a giant drill...CHECK!

Arnold saying cool stuff when he kills someone ("See you at the party, Richter!")...CHECK!

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty sweet-ass rundown. This is what a sci-fi action movie should be. And the special effects? For 1990, they don't get much better than this. In the first scene when the glass on Arnold's helmet breaks and his neck muscles contract and his eyes bulge out of his head, you're all like, "Oh, man, that's awesome. Look at his eyes. They're all bulgy and shit."

Unfortunately, this movie is often overshadowed by James Cameron's sci-fi action masterpiece Terminator 2, but give Total Recall its due. This is Arnold at his best and a perfect example of why when it came to 90's action flicks, Arnold was the king.

Why It's Awesome: Action, adventure, mystery, and a mutant chick with three tits. Plus, the story ain't bad for a sci-fi flick. Was the entire adventure real or nothing more than the wet dream of a lobotimized Quaid? Hmmm...maybe too deep for an Arnold flick.

Best Quote:

Mars Customs Agent: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Excuse me?

Quaid in Disguise: TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEKS! TWWWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEKSSSSS!

Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)

This is a movie that has grown on me over time. No, it's not Die Hard (the single greatest action movie ever made), but it's a fun movie with plenty of action and a great buddy-comedy dynamic. Before we go any further, let's do the order:

1) Die Hard

2) Die Hard with a Vengeance

3)Die Hard 2: Die Harder

4: Die Hard: Die Hardest

5: Live Free or Die Hard

Talk about great fucking movie titles. Die Hard with a Vengeance is the single greatest sequel title ever written by man. Imagine how much more successful other movies would be if they followed Die Hard's formula. Toy Story hit it big at the box office over the summer, but how huge would it have been if it had been called Toy Story...WITH A VENGEANCE!

But on to the movie. The first hour of this thing is stellar...just non-stop action. We've got John McClane back in New York, teaming up with the greatest black sidekick of the 90's, Samuel L. Jackson, running around solving riddles spun by the voice of Scar from Lion King, Jeremy Irons. Beast! Is there a more creative scene in any movie than John McClane walking around Harlem wearing a sandwich board that reads "I HATE NIGGERS"? If there is, I sure as hell haven't seen it. And the insane drive through Central Park? Just great stuff here.

But after the first hour, things start to fall apart. They stray from the original script and it's obvious because the riddles (which were the most interesting part of the first hour) disappear and are replaced by your usual cliche 90's action scenes. Sure, the elevator fight scene is badass, but, following the subway blast, things go downhill fast until they bottom out at the "Nuking the Fridge" moment with John surfing a dump truck...yeah...

And the ending? What the fuck happened? The entire finale at the truck depot is an EPIC FAIL! They should have stuck with the original ending where Simon gets away with the heist and John meets up with him at a bar and they play a game of chicken with a Chinese rocket launcher. Now that's worth a YIPPEE KI AYE, MOTHER FUCKER!

Why It's Awesome: The moral of the movie is simple: Don't go to school or you'll die in a terrible Jell-O explosion. Zues encourages his nephews to go to school and they almost die. This is a movie every child should see.

Best Quote Besides Yippee-Kai-Aye, mother fucker:

Simon (on the walkie-talkie): Nils, you can close up now. [no response] Nils!

McClane (on walkie-talkie): Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head!

Speed (1994)

"I saw this movie once where this bus had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called...The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down!" - Homer Simpson

Speed is the Die Hard of the 90's.

It reaches near perfection in its simplicity.

Premise: A cop must save a bunch of passengers on a bus wired with explosives that will detonate if the bus's speed drops below 50 MPH.

You wouldn't think a movie where a bunch of people drive around for two hours on a bus would be entertaining, but you'd be wrong. In fact, everything involving the bus is gold. The movie only falters when Keanau leaves the confines of the bus. The subway finale is garbage. The entire movie is centered around the bus. You can't end the movie in a subway! And just like the highway isn't finished, the subway track isn't finished? What?! I don't think they use subway tracks that aren't finished...

But let's focus on what this movie does unbelievably well and that is to create tension. The movie succeeds by creating a ticking clock that nearly lasts the entire movie. Every time the speedometer nears that 50 mark, you lean forward a little in your seat. At one point, they actually create TWO SIMULTANEOUS ticking clocks by having Keanu puncture the gas tank. Now we have to worry about the gas running out AND the bomb blowing. That's good stuff...

Unfortunately, when you talk about this movie, you have to talk about "The Jump." This is by far one of the worst "Nuking the Fridge" moments in cinematic history. The bus has to jump a fifty foot gap of equal elevation. Sound impossible? Well...it should have been! Instead, the bus hits a fucking bike ramp at the end of the unfinished section of highway and levitates over the gap. It looked ridiculous the first time I saw the movie, and it still looks ridiculous. Even in the action genre, some semblance of reality must be maintained. I'll believe that Arnold can kill 81 guys single-handedly (Commando), but I still don't believe that damn bus could make that jump!

Why It's Awesome: Simple premise...great execution.

Best Line:

Stephens is repeating over the walkie-talkie what Jack is saying word-for-word.

Jack spots the bomb.

Jack: Fuck me!

Stephens: Oh darn...

The Boondock Saints (1999)

I'm preparing to watch Boondock Saints II so I figured I'd refresh my memory and watch the first movie since it's been years since I've seen it.

Man, five minutes in I realized I didn't remember anything about this movie.

All right, right off the bat, let's get this out of the way. Some of the acting is suspect. In fact, most of the acting is suspect. David Della Rocco is so bad I was almost glad when he died so I wouldn't have to watch him try to act anymore. Plus, most of the acting seems even worse when compared to William Dafoe's powerhouse performance. The man is balls to the walls awesome.

But, holy shit, does he make for one ugly broad.

The other problem is the story. The ending with the father being Il Duce - lame. It just seemed a little too left field for my taste.

The final problem before I talk about the awesomeness is the humor. I almost wish there was less humor in the movie. At times it seems out of place. It's almost as if the movie couldn't decide whether or not it was an action movie or a comedy and some action movies can be both (Demolition Man), but this one didn't quite pull it off.

All right, on to the awesomeness. First, the premise is superb. Two Irish twins, fed up with the justice system, take matters into their own hands and become vigilantes...love it.

Where this movie excels is the ridiculous action scenes. Yes, they're unbelievable, but they're so fucking cool it doesn't matter. The entire dropping the toilet on the Russians and then jumping off a fucking building onto the other one...borderline ludicrous. But I still enjoyed it.

By far, my favorite scene is the the rope scene. When they fall through the ceiling and get tangled in the rope and you see them spinning and you realize what's going to happen...that's a "piss your pants due to awesomeness" moment. Slightly ridiculous? Absolutely, but very, very awesome.

I've gotta mention William Dafoe's performance again because it does stand out as being stellar. The way he walks the line between being a completely stereotyped homo and being a fully realized character is brilliant. And although some might find it cheesy, I enjoyed the scenes with him listening to opera as he reconstructs the murder scene in his mind. His shirt is ripped and he's sweating and he looks insane, but it works.

So I'm looking forward to watching the sequel. I've heard good things, but...we'll see...

Why It's Awesome: What's not awesome about watching two guys fall out of an air duct, breaking through a ceiling, getting tangled in some rope, spinning around suspended in mid-air and shooting nine gangsters upside-down? If that's not awesome, I don't know what is. Oh, plus they kill Ron Jeremy while he beats off in a titty bar. Again, awesomeness personified.

Best Line:

Special Agent Smecker lies in bed with his homosexual Asian lover. The Asian tries to cuddle up next to him.

Smecker: What are you doing?

Asian Homo: I just wanted to cuddle!

Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag!

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

One word describes this movie: Underrated

In the midst of the 90's deluge of action flicks, The Long Kiss Goodnight often flies under the radar. No, it doesn't star Stallone or Willis or Arnold. Instead, it stars...Geena Davis. That's right! A decent action flick that stars a chick! A chick may not be able to be president (unless you're...Geena Davis on her shitty canceled TV show), but a bitch can kick ass in a movie.

So let's do the Totally Sweet Action Movie checklist:

1) Main characters escape an explosion by running...CHECK

2) Funny sidekick (preferably a black guy)...CHECK

Umm...can you say Samuel L. "Motha Fuckin'" Jackson? Sidekicks don't get much better than that. He's got so many one-liners in this movie it isn't even funny...oh wait...it IS funny...hilarious even...which is the point...

3) Cocky, sadistic villain...CHECK

In his only significant role of his career, Craig Bierko plays a pretty bad ass bad guy. It's too bad this movie flopped at the box office or else this guy could have been killed by Arnold later on in his career.

4) Cheesy but humorous banter between main character and sidekick....let's check:

Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch: I hope not because I'm thinking my balls hurt.

Hmm...that's a big CHECK.

5) Main character commemorates killing the main bad guy with a totally sweet one-liner?

In my humble opinion, "Die screaming, mother fucker" is just a notch or two below "Yippee ki yay, mother fucker" so...CHECK!

The movie meets all the necessary requirements to be a TOTALLY SWEET action movie. Is it Predator or Commando? No, but I'd rather see Geena Davis in a hot shower scene than Arnold, that's for damn sure.

Why it's awesome: The Long Kiss Goodnight answers this common question: What happens when a woman with no memory of her past discovers that she's an assassin working for the United States Government? Awesomeness happens...awesomeness...

Best Line:

Henchman (over walkie-talkie): I'm hurt real bad. I - I think I'm dying...

Timothy (over walkie-talkie): Continue dying. Out.