Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

And now...the thrilling conclusion to Quentin Tarantino's revenge epic, KILL BILL...or not.

What should have been the action-packed denouement to Tarantino's best flick falls way flat. It's a steep decline from the Crazy-88 slicing and dicing the first half has to offer. This time around the Bride earns back her name, finishes off the rest of the DiVAS, kills Bill, and reclaims her daughter, B.B.

The only problem is that all of this happens in the least interesting and exciting way possible.

After the retelling of the events at Two Pines, we open in the desert with easily the most complex character in the movie, Budd (played by the always amazing Michael Madsen). Budd is a broken man. He's out of shape, broke, and works in a POS titty bar. His life is shit. And yet, Budd is the only person in the movie capable of gaining a victory over the Bride, thus proving that even the deadliest woman is no match for the most slovenly man (I'm pretty sure that was the point Tarantino was trying to make). Budd's victory also shows what happens when a samurai steps foot in a Western - she gets her ass blown away by a double-barrel shotgun.

The Budd/Elle confrontations are where this movie fails to achieve LEGENDARY status. The Bride's mission is to gain revenge on each individual who played a role in the wedding day massacre. In that mission, she fails. She epically fails to kill Budd, and, even though the showdown between the Bride and Elle in the trailer is pretty sweet, the Bride leaves Elle alive (although the eye squish is fairly epic in its own right).

And if those showdowns are disappointing, the showdown between the Bride and Bill is like waking up on Christmas morning to discover your parents have converted to Judaism. The ending is so un-Quentin-like it's mind-boggling. I realize that's the point, to have a very personal verbal confrontation between two ex-lovers, but we still could have had a sweet sword fight to end things. I mean, this is what we've been building to for nearly four hours! And what we get is fight that lasts less than thirty seconds and where neither participant leaves his or her seat! WHAT?! Apparently the samurai sword fight on the beach, bathed in the moonlight was supposed to actually happen, but the film ran long so what we get is a total waste of Carradine's talents.

Even as a single movie, I still feel like everything that happened after the Crazy-88 fight would be disappointing. As a single movie, Volume 2 falls short of its predecessor, and that should never be the case when comparing the first part to a second part. If you title your movie Kill Bill, you better FUCKING KILL BILL...HARD!

Why It's Awesome: It's not. It falls short as the conclusion to one of the most epic revenge tales in cinema. Still, punching your way through your own coffin, the trailer fight, Pai Mai, and the cleft lip chick are all pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Bud: Wakey, wakey...eggs and bakey.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)

There are two things I'm convinced that women will never understand. The first are the mechanics of peeing standing up. The second is the appeal of Quentin Tarantino flicks.

Tarantino movies have their own rhythm, their own beat, their own rules. He's basically created his own sub-genre. Tarantino movies are rarely told in chronological order, they're always violent, and the dialogue can only be described as Quentin-esque.

Reservoir Dogs is easily my favorite Tarantino movie, but the Kill  Bill flicks (which have strangely fallen out of favor in the movie community in recent years) still represent my favorite cinematic revenge flick. Revenge flicks are easy to set up but difficult to pull off. You need a person who's been fucked over and then a means of gaining revenge on those who did the fucking. Still, the person seeking revenge must be sympathetic throughout the journey and, in the quest to slay monsters, avoid becoming a monster in the process.

Very few movies with female protagonists kick ass as much as Kill Bill, and there's a reason why it works. Uma Thurman is not that hot. That's important. I'm not sure why that's a rule, but it is. Hot chicks can be elements of lust in action movies, but they can't be action stars. It's too distracting. Uma Thurman is just modestly attractive enough not to allow her looks to detract from the rest of the movie.

Volume 1 is the superior of the two volumes, based mainly on the strength of the House of Blue Leaves action finale, a fight that is never matched in Volume 2 (which is a mistake I'll discuss in the next review). Quentin always tries a lot of innovative things in his flicks and some of them work and some of them don't. The nonlinear approach works especially well in this movie because we're fed pieces of the story slowly, keeping The Bride's true motivation and her relationship with Bill a mystery. The over-the-top gore and cheesy fight sound effects (an homage to kung-fu flicks of the 70s) works splendidly as well.

Three elements that don't work for me are the anime sequence (too out of place), O-Ren's ridiculously long backstory (unnecessary for the main narrative), and the mystery of The Bride's real name (the pay-off isn't big enough to make it matter).

Everything else, though, is gold. The black and white opening of a blood-stained Bride taking a shot to the head...perfect. The opening fight scene between The Bride and Vernita Green with the little girl showing up after her mother's death...love it. The Pussy Wagon? C'mon! And that Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves is one of modern cinema's great fight scenes (the music!). Over-the-top? Yes. Brilliant? Absolutely. If there's one thing Quentin knows how to do, it's kill a mother fucker.

We'll be back with Volume 2 next time.

Why It's Awesome: One of the great all-time revenge flicks, containing one of the great action sequences of the oughts. This, along with the second volume, may be Quentin Tarantino's most complete cinematic offering. And who doesn't love to see a moderately attractive chick fuck Asians up?

Best Quote:

Hanzo: I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.

From Dusk till Dawn (1996)

I wonder if George Clooney ever regrets this one?

I know I'll take some heat for this one, but let me just preface this statement by saying I'm a Tarentino fan and I'm a big Robert Rodriguez guy. I love almost all the shit they've done sans the Spy Kids bullshit on the Rodriguez front. So here's the statement: This is a good movie UNTIL the vampires come into play.

I know senseless violence is at the heart of both Tarentino and Rodriguez's films, but they need to stick to human-on-human violence because the last half of this movie is a FUCKING MESS...and not in a good way. First of all, they totally botch the vampire rules. They're basically using zombie rules where if someone gets bit by a vampire (anywhere...even on the arm) they become a vampire, but that's NOT how you become a vampire, that's how you become a zombie. Becoming a vampire is way more complicated and requires the exchange of blood and filling out a bunch of forms in triplicate. Plus there's no consistancy with how fast people turn. Jacob doesn't turn after being bitten for almost an hour while Frost changes instantaneously. Consistancy, people!

I'm not saying it's a terrible movie; I'm just saying all the FAIL moments cancel out all the WIN moments. For example...

Selma Hayek's boner-inducing dance number in the Titty Twister....WIN!
Juliette "The Other Sister" Lewis taking a dump...FAIL!
George Clooney acting like a badass...WIN!
Quentin Tarantino acting...FAIL!
Clooney using a jackhammer staking machine to dust vamps...WIN!
Sex Machine's dick gun...EPIC FAIL!

I'm a much bigger fan of the first half of the movie where the Geckos hijack the Fuller family and there's some actual character development and tension. That all goes out the window as soon as the crew hit the vampire-infested Titty Twister. Plus, what is with that ending?! The Other Sister is the lone survivor of her family and Clooney and his gay tattoo just leave her there in the desert. He could have at least banged her retarded ass for her troubles...

Why It's Awesome: Classic Tarentino dialogue and Rodriguez violence and Selma Hayek ranking fairly high on my Boner Jams Collection. Plus some of the vamp kills are pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Satanico Pandemonium: Welcome to slavery!
Seth Gecko: No thanks. I've already had a wife.

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Movie buffs always sing the praises of Pulp Fiction as Quentin Tarentino's masterpiece, but I'll take me some Reservoir Dogs any day of the week. It's just so fucking raw and violent and cool. Without this movie, there is no Pulp Fiction.

The characters are all so generic at first in their identical suits and sunglasses, but the character development throughout the movie is simply amazing. We've got the high-strung Mr. Pink (Could anyone have played this part better than Steve Buscemi?), the fraternal Mr. White, the psychotic Mr. Blonde (having his name be the only one that's not actually a color...brilliant), the cool undercover cop, Mr. Orange, and the rest of the color spectrum.

Whenever you discuss a Tarentino movie, you have to mention the dialogue. Tarentino's dialogue has a rhythm and a beat all its own. The opening conversation about the real meaning of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" might be the single best opening dialogue in cinematic history, followed closely by Mr. Pink's explanation as to why he refuses to tip (I use his "Learn to fucking type" line whenever I explain why a 20% tip is ludicrous). There's just so many quality lines in this movie it's really unbelievable.

And if it's Tarentino, you know it's going to be a fucking bloodbath. This one is a literal bloodbath as Mr. Orange gushes...gushes SHIT nearly the entire movie until he's bathing in his own blood. And of course we can't forget about the ear scene, the most famous scene in the movie. It's tame by today's standards but the sight of Marvin Nash's deformed head still makes me cringe.

This is a movie made for men who like movies. Not a single fucking woman says a single line in the entire film...now that's a man movie! My favorite of Tarentino's work and a clinic on how to make a quality independent flick.

Why It's Awesome: One of the coolest movies ever made. Guys in suits and shades shoot cops and steal diamonds and argue over which one of them is going to be "Mr. Pussy." Just classic stuff here. And Mr. Blonde holding that milkshake like he doesn't have a care in the world...

Best Lines:

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Mr. White: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?