Donnie Darko (2001)

Cellar Door

When you're done watching Donnie Darko, you know you've seen something great. You may not know exactly what the hell just happened but you know you've seen a good movie about time travel, a boy who hates his parents, and a giant bunny.

28064212

I'm not even going to attempt to explain the plot of Donnie Darko except to say that parts of it are complicated. A lot of it doesn't make a lot of sense (most of it actually) but the main plot has to do with a teenager who gets trapped in a tangent universe due to a time paradox and must help beings from the future fix the paradox and return the universe back to its primary state.

Yup...

But if that's all DD was about, it would be called Primer and people would suck the movie's dick just because they don't understand it. That's not the case here. People suck Donnie's dick because, at its core, it's about what every teenager experiences: a journey to discover one's place in the universe. Donnie's place is just a tad more complicated than most and involves a six-foot rabbit bossing him around and telling him to break water mains and expose kiddie porn rings run by Patrick Swayze.

By the way, ask any self-respecting emo kid what their favorite movie is, and it's Donnie Darko...100% of the time.

They made me do it.

There are a couple reasons this movie works beyond the complicated plot and time traveling aspects. The first is the cast. Holy shit is it good. This should be the model for every low-budget indie flick: find a main cast full of talented no-names and surround them with big names in bit parts. You've got Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal, real-life siblings, filling out the ranks of the unknowns (at least at the time) and then Drew Barrymore (in her least annoying role EVER) and Patrick Swayze (as a motivational speaker secretly addicted to kiddie porn) in supporting roles in which they are fantastic. Everyone's good in this thing.

The dialogue is great, too. There are definitely some high-quality quotes sprinkled in there:

"What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?"

"Chuuuut uuuuup!"

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

"How exactly does one suck a fuck?"

And if you're talking Donnie Darko, you can't forget about the music. Wow...it's good. The montage of everyone waking up after returning from the tangent universe as "Mad World" plays, it might be one of my favorite scenes in any movie. It's that damn good. What a perfect song to match the tone of the film...haunting and sad and...perfect. No song is a better companion to a movie than Donnie Darko and "Mad World." I gotta go listen to it right now!

Why It's Awesome: It's a movie that makes you think, but it doesn't just rely on being complicated. If it had nothing to do with time travel or tangent universes, it would still be good.

Best Quote:

Kitty Farmer: Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!

 

 

Pumpkin (2002)

Anyone who doesn't think this movie is great is retarded...

Pumpkin is one of the great underrated absurdist comedies of the New Millennium. It's about a perfect and popular sorority sister named Carolyn who falls in love with a retard...yup, you read that correctly. A hot chick falls for a retarded kid (named Pumpkin no less) and they totally have sex. Try to watch it and not feel uncomfortable! It cannot be done!

The hot retard-banging chick is played by the boner-inducing Christina Ricci. Ricci shows up naked in lots of films (Black Snake Moan, Prozac Nation) and she looks like the kind of girl who probably has chlamydia but you go ahead and do her anyway and accept the consequences. I've had a thing for her ever since I saw her as Wednesday in The Adams Family (which isn't weird or creepy because I was like, eight, when I saw that movie).

Seriously, dumb people won't enjoy this movie because it doesn't tell you when to laugh or even whether or not you should. The characters and the acting are real over the top (Ricci goes way, WAY over the top at times), but it's never silly or wacky like a Farrelly Brothers movie. The emotion is real, the relationship kinda sweet, and the music...wow...the soundtrack is haunting and really adds to the overall confusion of the movie.

This is also one of those rare movies that actually says something. In life, you have your insiders (the sorority sisters) and your outsiders (in this case, the mentally challenged athletes competing in the Special Olympics). People always feel sorry for the outsiders and will toss them some charity every once in a while but if any outsider tries to do anything relatively normal (like bang a hot sorority sister) no one can accept it, because, in the end, society only wants to feel sorry for outsiders, not treat them as equals.

Or maybe it's just saying that most sorority sisters are as intelligent as fully-functioning retards.

Regardless of the message, one thing is clear: when the short bus is a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'!

Why It's Awesome: It's Romeo and Juliet...except in this version, instead of being a Montague, Romeo is retarded. And kudos to the makers of this film for not pussying out and having Carolyn and Pumpkin have sex. You can't go halfway on a concept like this and they certainly didn't pull any punches.

Best Quote:

Carolyn: I'm sorry. I'm leaving the sorority. I'm quitting SCSU. I'm transferring to a community college.

Julie: But Carolyn, you're a senior. You can't transfer to a community college. You have too many credits.

Carolyn: Then I'm transferring to Long Beach Tech.

{The sorority sisters GASP in horror}

Rubber (2010)

I DARE YOU to watch this film. I fuckin' double dog dare you. I dare you to watch this movie after watching any of the Transformers movies. Your brain will literally cave in on itself...just crumble like an aging star degenerating into a black hole. After watching something so mind-numbingly STUPID and then to watch this film, an absurdist MASTERPIECE, your brain will shit its pants.

Here's the premise (are you ready?): A killer TIRE named Robert with psychic abilities goes on a killing spree and chases after a girl it's fallen in love with...that's right...a tire...

It sounds like a cheesy horror movie, but it's not. It's a SMART movie. It's aware of how absurd it is and revels in it. The very first thing that happens in the movie is a car appears on a desert road and begins knocking over random chairs that are set up and then a cop gets out OF THE TRUNK and then breaks the 4th wall to address us directly, informing us of the element of NO REASON in popular movies. Anytime you question something that happens in this movie, the answer is NO REASON.

For example, why is the tire watching step aerobics? NO REASON!

Just to give you a taste of how absurd this movie gets, here's a list of things the tire does:

- Blows up a dude's head with his psychic powers after the dude sideswipes him with his car

- Watches a chick shower and stalks her

- Goes swimming

- Dreams about when he was a tire on an actual car

- Gets reincarnated as a tricycle after he's killed

Probably the strangest part of the movie is that the audience are characters in the movie. That's right. The people watching the movie are actually personified in the movie and actually get involved with the action after most of them are poisoned with a giant turkey (you'll want to stop watching at this point but keep going).

Here's the twist, though. NOTHING in this movie happens for NO REASON. This movie is actually a movie about movies, and, more specifically, about the audience and their relationship to movies. There's a reason the tricycle and his army of tires end up in Hollywood at the end. Watch it once to be entertained by the absurdity of it all. Watch it twice for some pretty intelligent commentary. Just go Netflix that shit this very instant!

Why It's Awesome: The killer in this movie is a tire...that's it. That seals the deal right there.

Best Conversation:

Cop: But this is real life, Chad. We've got a dead body over here.

Officer Chad: No. It's not real life. Look at you. You've got a stuffed toy alligator under your arm.

(Cop looks down to notice he suddenly does, in fact, have a stuffed toy alligator under his arm)

Cop (shrugging): So?

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Mind Fuck Alert!

Mind Fuck Alert!

I saw this movie for the first time in the theater and when I got back home, my buddy asked me how it was and I said, "I have no fucking idea." It took me another week to decide whether or not I enjoyed the movie or not. And it took me another two viewings to finally make a final judgment on this movie...and here it is.

I hate Tom Cruise.

I hate Cameron Diaz.

I love this movie.

This is one of those movies that there is absolutely NO WAY you can guess what's happening until they explain it at the end. No way in hell can you guess that Citizen Dildo is actually dead and frozen, waiting to be reanimated and having a fucked up wet dream gone wrong. But that's not what makes this movie enjoyable.

This is one of the few movies where I actually FEEL something at the end. You have this rich asshole who meets this amazing Spanish chick and spends one amazing night with her but then makes the mistake of getting into a vehicle with a crazy chick who tries to kill him. But that's all their relationship ever is in reality...that one, perfect night.

But in David's dream, they have this elaborate, passionate relationship that seems to end when David tweeks out and murders her thinking she's Julie. And that would be sad enough but then you realize at the end that the relationship never happened in the first place. None of it happened. His one great love, it was nothing but a dream. And that's the saddest part of the whole thing - that the happiest part of his life was a fantasy. And even if he returns to life, Sophia is long dead. His chance for true love is gone...and that's worth some real emotion.

Why It's Awesome: A fucked up movie with a creative storyline and bizarre mix of reality and fantasy. And no one plays "going out of his mind" better than Tom Cruise.

Best Quote: Sophia: I'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats!