Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Our travels through time come to an end with not only one of the best time-traveling movies of all-time, but one of, if not THE BEST sci-fi action movie ever made.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a masterpiece of popcorn films. It should have won every Oscar ever made upon its release. Unfortunately, the Oscars are for pretentious bullshit, not kick-ass action movies with time-traveling robots. And although the storyline of the first Terminator is the only one of the franchise that makes sense, Terminator 2 takes everything that was awesome about the first movie and does it ten times awesomer.

First of all, taking the villain from the first movie and then making him the hero of the second...BRILLIANT! You've got this strange dynamic where now Sarah Connor has to trust the very machine that chased her around for an hour-and-a-half trying to kill her. That's awesome.

Then you make the machine that seemed so unstoppable in the first film a total underdog by creating an even more badass (and much creepier) machine in the T-1000. A liquid-metal robot that can replicate anyone, form blades and knives with its arms, and get shot, like, a bazillion times, even frozen and shattered, and just shake it off like nothing happened? Um, YES PLEASE! They couldn't even come up with a more bad-ass machine for the third film (The T-X, pa-leeze, bitch!) because the T-1000 maxed out on every possible bad-ass o' meter.

The special effects were not only good for the time, but they totally hold up even now more than two decades later. James Cameron was still using special effects to enhance movies at this time instead of just whoring them out as the entire reason for the movie's existence (Avatar, I'm looking at you!). Nothing looks cheesy, but it also doesn't look like a giant cartoon either.

The thing that really makes this film stand out is that not only are the action set pieces amazing (The chase with the dirt bike and the semi, the escape at the mental institution, the raid on Cyberdyne, EVERYTHING at the steel mill), but it has a depth that is totally unmatched in any other action film. The relationship between John and the Terminator is one of a father/son, and the metamorphosis of a machine that kills without remorse to a machine that realizes the value of human life is one of the great character arcs in all of cinema. When Arnold is being lowered into that molten lava, you're fighting back tears! For a goddamn machine! That's great story-telling.

Contrary to popular belief, it was James Cameron who made these movies great, not Arnold. You saw what happened in T-3 when Arnold is present and Cameron isn't (total trainwreck). The worst part is that the third movie totally cancels out EVERYTHING that happened in the second film...which is a shame because it's the third film that someone should travel back in time to prevent.

I only have one complaint about T-2, and it's something that bothers me every single time I watch it. After the T-800 terminates the T-1000 in the lava and we've all just witnessed one of the great action movies of our time, Arnold (in a totally ad-libbed scene) approaches John and Sarah and delivers one of the WORST lines in cinematic history. He says, "I need a vacation." WHAT?! Why would a machine even know what a vacation is?! Why would he even need one?! He can't get tired, he doesn't know what relaxation is! A vacation?! Cameron, how could you let that one slide! BAH!

But other than that, it's awesome...

Why It's Awesome:

Two time-traveling robots, a totally bad-ass Linda Hamilton in a wife-beater, and a kid in a movie who isn't a whiny bitch. What a movie!

Best Line That Hasn't Become a Total Cliché:

T-800: I know now why you cry...but it is something I can never do.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

There's a certain charm to the original Bill and Ted movie that its sequel lacks. I think it's mainly because stupid stoners who play in a shitty band in high school are kind of funny; stupid stoners who play in a shitty band who have graduated from high school - well, that's just kind of sad.

There's far less time-traveling in the sequel than its predecessor, which is also a mistake. The set-up for the sequel is an evil gym teacher from the future travels back in time with evil robot versions of Bill and Ted in an attempt to change the future by murdering Bill and Ted and reorganizing society under his own ideals. So Bill and Ted die and then travel to Hell (probably because they use the word "fag" in a derogatory way), but they're able to return after they defeat the Grim Reaper in various board games. Then they recruit an alien to help them build good Bill and Ted robots and then they win the battle of the bands and...it's stupid. Just forget it.

The real problem is this movie just isn't that funny. Really the only funny part is where Bill and Ted are playing against Death in Battleship, Twister, and Clue ("I said Plum!"). Everything else is crap. Rufus is barely in the movie. The stuff in Hell like the weird Easter Bunny and gross grandmother just comes off as super creepy.

And then there's Station...ah, where to start with Station. Station is the greatest scientist ever...he's also a dead alien who plays charades with Albert Einstein in Heaven. But here's the problem: If aliens exist, then that means God doesn't, which means Station can't be in Heaven because his existence cancels out the possibility of God. Science and religion do not mix. I know Bill and Ted is the last place logic belongs, but even Bill and Ted are subject to the basic rules of philosophy.

But the WORST part of the sequel is that it breaks its own time-traveling rules...which is the worst sin a time-traveling movie can commit. During the final scene at the Battle of the Bands, Bill and Ted time travel long enough to grow facial hair, learn to play their instruments, get married, and have children with the princesses, and then travel back to the same moment they left in time to play their set at the Battle of the Bands. This is in direct contrast to the time-traveling rules established in the first movie where Bill and Ted have to collect the historical figures in a certain amount of time because the time in their time period continues to run even as they're traveling through time (remember the "Don't forget to wind your watch, Ted!" moment?). There's only one word to describe this terrible breach of time-traveling rules...

STATION!!!

Why It Sucks: It commits the worst deadly sin of any time-traveling film: It breaks its own time-traveling rules. How totally non-non heinous.

Best Quote:

Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
Station: Station!

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

EXCELLENT!

You can't discuss time-traveling movies without including the excellent time-traveling adventures of Bill S. Preston, Esquire,  Ted Theodore Logan, and a phone booth (Take THAT, Dr. Who!). This movie is actually just a combination of Wayne's World and Back to the Future...but who cares?! It's totally excellent...and educational!

Two stoner teens are on the verge of failing their history class. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that these two teens go on to form a band that eventually brings harmony to the universe. So George Carlin has to travel back in time to help Bill and Ted kidnap several historical figures and force them to perform like trained monkeys so these slackers can pass their class.

My favorite part of this movie is that the historical figures don't even seem to mind being kidnapped. They're totally cool with it. Napoleon has a blast at the water park, Joan of Ark (Noah's wife, by the way) gets her jazzercise on, and Genghis Khan goes crazier than a homeless person on bath salts in the sports department. They have a blast. Never mind that removing them from their respective timelines would severely alter the course of history and create a Doc Brown time paradox that would cause the entire universe to cave in on itself...as long as Bill and Ted pass their history course.

I know the movie isn't really meant to be taken seriously, but let's explore the time-traveling dynamics of Bill and Ted just for shits and gigs. First of all, interfering in the past doesn't seem to effect the present in any way, otherwise no one in the present time (1988) would even know who the historical figures were since they're removed from their timelines. And yet, if that's true, then the whole premise of the movie is flawed.

 In the future, Bill and Ted's music has already created a universal utopia...so why would it matter if they were separated in the past? Obviously everything works out if the future turns out the way it does. And if changing the past won't affect the future, then helping Bill and Ted pass their history test WON'T change anything about the future...so why even bother? Why send Rufus back unless the future is totally fucked? GOD I LOVE TIME TRAVELING LOGIC! It really messes with your head.

My favorite part about the time-traveling dynamics in Bill and Ted is that, apparently, you can affect the present just by saying you're going to travel back to that present moment from the future. For example, in the movie, Bill and Ted need Ted's dad's keys to bust the historical figures out of jail, but they don't know where the keys are. So they say they're going to travel back in time to when Ted's dad had them, take them, and leave them behind a bush so the present Bill and Ted have access to them...and then the keys are magically behind the bush...without them doing anything. You follow me?

It would be like wanting to win the lottery so you go to your backyard and dig a hole and find a lottery ticket there with the winning numbers that was placed there by the you of the future who already knew what the winning numbers would be, traveled back to the day before the lottery, bought the ticket with the winning numbers, and buried it in the backyard so the present you would find it and win. Of course, if you didn't follow through and travel through time and buy the lottery ticket for your past self the entire universe would collapse in on itself. That's a Primer mind fuck right there, pal.

By the way, I'm thinking of a number...know what it is?

69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why It's Awesome: Two dumb stoner kids travel through time and jam over a dozen historical figures into a single phone booth. If that's not a great movie premise, I don't know what is.

Best Quote:

Dumb Jock: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... {awkward pause} SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

Donnie Darko (2001)

Cellar Door

When you're done watching Donnie Darko, you know you've seen something great. You may not know exactly what the hell just happened but you know you've seen a good movie about time travel, a boy who hates his parents, and a giant bunny.

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I'm not even going to attempt to explain the plot of Donnie Darko except to say that parts of it are complicated. A lot of it doesn't make a lot of sense (most of it actually) but the main plot has to do with a teenager who gets trapped in a tangent universe due to a time paradox and must help beings from the future fix the paradox and return the universe back to its primary state.

Yup...

But if that's all DD was about, it would be called Primer and people would suck the movie's dick just because they don't understand it. That's not the case here. People suck Donnie's dick because, at its core, it's about what every teenager experiences: a journey to discover one's place in the universe. Donnie's place is just a tad more complicated than most and involves a six-foot rabbit bossing him around and telling him to break water mains and expose kiddie porn rings run by Patrick Swayze.

By the way, ask any self-respecting emo kid what their favorite movie is, and it's Donnie Darko...100% of the time.

They made me do it.

There are a couple reasons this movie works beyond the complicated plot and time traveling aspects. The first is the cast. Holy shit is it good. This should be the model for every low-budget indie flick: find a main cast full of talented no-names and surround them with big names in bit parts. You've got Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal, real-life siblings, filling out the ranks of the unknowns (at least at the time) and then Drew Barrymore (in her least annoying role EVER) and Patrick Swayze (as a motivational speaker secretly addicted to kiddie porn) in supporting roles in which they are fantastic. Everyone's good in this thing.

The dialogue is great, too. There are definitely some high-quality quotes sprinkled in there:

"What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?"

"Chuuuut uuuuup!"

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

"How exactly does one suck a fuck?"

And if you're talking Donnie Darko, you can't forget about the music. Wow...it's good. The montage of everyone waking up after returning from the tangent universe as "Mad World" plays, it might be one of my favorite scenes in any movie. It's that damn good. What a perfect song to match the tone of the film...haunting and sad and...perfect. No song is a better companion to a movie than Donnie Darko and "Mad World." I gotta go listen to it right now!

Why It's Awesome: It's a movie that makes you think, but it doesn't just rely on being complicated. If it had nothing to do with time travel or tangent universes, it would still be good.

Best Quote:

Kitty Farmer: Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!

 

 

The Terminator (1984)

I'm going to say something pretty controversial here...

The first Terminator is the best movie in the series. I know, I know. Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a nearly flawless sci-fi action movie, but I still cling tightly to the assertion that the first film is still the best. You want proof?

It's the only movie in the franchise that makes any damn sense.

In my opinion, nothing is more important in a film than the story. The story has to work. The story makes sense in the first movie. Its themes are well-developed. Machines become sentient and start a war with mankind. Mankind fights back. In a last ditch effort, the machines send back an assassin through time to murder the mother of the leader of the human resistance before he's even born. The humans send back a lone protector to prevent the abortion of their leader (They're pro-lifers).

Did I mention that the dude the humans send back (Reese) bangs the woman and becomes the father of the guy who sent him back in time in the first place?

Ok. Forget that part. Other than that, it makes sense. The machines send a machine back. The humans send a human. It's a classic underdog story as Reese has to make use of his ingenuity and creativity to defeat the unstoppable killing machine with an Austrian accent (What?). It's man vs. machine. That works. It makes sense.

Here's the plot of the second movie: Oh, by the way, we forgot that the machines actually sent ANOTHER machine assassin, even more badass than the first, back through time to kill John Connor as a child. Oh, and the humans sent back a machine through time to...um...fight the other machine...wait....what?

That's right. It's stupid. It doesn't work. The entire theme of the series is man vs. machine and now you've got machine vs. machine. And the machine the humans send back is the same model of the one that tried to kill Sarah Connor...

And the third movie is even WORSE. Oh, by the way, the machines actually sent a THIRD machine assassin back in time, even MORE badass than those other two...(sigh)...it's dumb. It's just dumb!

Not only are the plots dumb in the sequels but they actually destroy the integrity of the first film. It brings up a lot of very good questions:

1) Why doesn't Skynet just send back its MOST badass robot assassin (the T-X) right away? What the hell was Reese going to do against that hot robot bitch?

2) Why doesn't Skynet send back multiple robot assassins? Does it really matter if they're not all that discreet if they get the job done?

3) Speaking of being discreet, if the T-800 is an infiltration model, why is it a giant, 6 ft. tall, muscle-encrusted dude with an AUSTRIAN accent? SKYNET SUCKS!

4) Seriously Terminator 3? Seriously? You're just going to totally cancel out the first two movies by claiming that NOTHING has been averted AND kill off Sarah Connor just because Linda Hamilton knew what a train wreck the whole thing was going to be? Seriously?!

I think I've made my point:

Terminator > Terminator 2 > Terminator 3 > Terminator Salvation > Terminator vs. Predator

Why It's Awesome:

Because it makes sense. There's a guy and a machine and they fight. Man vs. machine. It works.

Best Quote:

Uh...let me think...

Time Bandits (1981)

Take every little boy fantasy and cram it into one movie, add a touch of British humor and a bunch of midgets and you've got one of the most underrated children's fantasy movies of all time...TIME BANDITS!

Directed by Terry Gilliam (whose other time-traveling flick is the badass 12 Monkeys), Time Bandits is about a little boy whose parents are totally douches who gets kidnapped by time-traveling midget themes who have a map that shows them all the holes in the fabric of the universe (allowing them to travel through time). Did I mention they jacked the map from God, who is pissed off and wants it back?

The time-traveling and God-escaping escapades include several run-ins with famous historical figures and then some elements of fantasy that pretty much cover every little boy fantasy ever dreamed of. The escapades include...

- Watching Napoleon laugh his ass off at a play about puppets hurting each other.

- Being captured by Robin Hood and his Merry Men, all of whom are kind of douchebags.

- Becoming the heir to Agamemnon's throne by helping him kill a minotaur man.

- Going down with the Titanic (and not being bothered by floating around in sub-zero temperature waters)

- Stealing a pirate ship from an ogre and his wife (Mona from Who's the Boss?).

- Plunging a needle into the head of a giant, gross fat guy.

- Fighting an evil demon using cowboys, archers, and a tank (all unsuccessfully, I might add).

Oh, and keep in mind it's midgets doing all these things so...yeah...even more awesome.

The whole time I was watching the movie I was thinking that had I seen this when I was eight, I would have had such a massive little boy boner the whole time.

And the ending? HOLY SHIT! It's right up there with Se7en and The Mist for best movie ending of all time! At the end, the little kid's parents BLOW THE FUCK UP! I mean, they just explode! And this is right after the kid's house burns to the ground. And then the movie just ends! The movie is like, "Hey, you know this kid who's been traveling through time with those midgets? Well fuck him! His parents just exploded and he's homeless!" Terry Gilliam is a heartless bastard and I love it!

Why It's Awesome: Time travel? Check. Fantasy elements? Check. Legendary historical figures? Check. A battle between Good and Evil with the fate of the universe at stake? Check. A midget getting crushed by a giant column? Check. Yup. This movie has everything a little boy could hope for in a fantasy flick.

Best Quote:

Supreme Being: Dead? No excuse for laying off work.

Primer (2004)

After watching the greatness that is 12 Monkeys, I've decided to spend March watching time travel movies. Since I've already watched the Back to the Future series, I'll be starting with some more obscure entries in the genre and work my way back to some classics.

Every now and then you'll finish watching a movie and have no idea whether you enjoyed it or not...because you have no idea what the hell you just watched (think Vanilla Sky or The Matrix). So is the case with Primer, a low-budget flick about two engineers who accidentally invent time travel and then deal with the question of how to use their newfound power.

There are layers upon layers to the narrative that starts out linear (the first half hour is just technical babble about how the time machine is invented), but then it gets all kinds of complicated. In fact, it's so complicated I needed to watch it three times and then read a research paper on the film's plot and study several diagrams of the time travel mechanics online just to figure it out (I'm not joking either). It's impossible after a single viewing to understand, completely and entirely, exactly what occurs in the movie, and I wanted to understand it as much as possible before writing my review.

I can say with complete confidence that I understand the movie completely and can offer an intelligent diagnosis of Primer and its overall effectiveness as a film. And here it is:

Primer is bullshit...complete and utter bullshit. The reason this movie's reputation has been blown out of proportion is because it suffers from Inception complex, where just because a movie is complicated, people think it's great. The problem with Primer isn't that it's complicated; the problem is that it's poor storytelling. That's what makes it complicated. Certain information necessary to understand what's happening is purposely withheld and other information is either unclear or must be assumed by the viewer. If you have to read a research paper to understand the plot of the movie, then the filmmakers failed to do their job.

The other major problem with the film is that the character motivations don't make any sense. The point of the movie is to explore the ethical issues of time travel, but the example provided in the movie is petty and stupid. A guy breaks the ethical rules of time travel to stop a woman he knows (not his wife or girlfriend or anything) from getting threatened with a shotgun by her ex-boyfriend. Not killed or maimed, just threatened. It doesn't make any sense. If you have the power to travel through time, would you waste it making sure an associate doesn't have a shitty evening? Then there's the random guy who travels back in time who we really have no idea who the hell he even is or how he got back. Add to that all the implied action that occurs off-screen that we're told about through a dump of voice-over narration and we don't have one of the best movies ever made; no, we have an example of poor storytelling.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 12 Monkeys both have complicated, non-linear plots that leave you with a sense of completion, a sense you've seen something complicated but also quite wonderful. Primer leaves you with a sense of having seen something complicated...that's it. It spends an inordinate amount of time explaining the time mechanics of the time traveling device in an attempt to seem deep and authentic. Fuck that! Tell me time travel involves a Delorean traveling at 88 mph or a phone booth. I'll believe it. Just tell me a good story and I'll believe anything!

Why It's Overrated: Like Inception, people watched Primer, were confused, and assumed anything they didn't understand must be magnificent. At its core, all film is nothing but visual storytelling. Primer is an interesting movie in that it avoids Hollywood clichés, but, like many Hollywood blockbusters, it fails to deliver what every movie must: a coherent and satisfying story.

Best Quote:

Aaron: Man, are you hungry? I haven't eaten since later this afternoon.

12 Monkeys (1995)

In 1997, five billion people will be wiped out by a deadly virus (1997 is a bad year in cinema, as that's also the year the machines take over in Terminator).

12 Monkeys is about a prisoner named James Cole (Bruce Willis) who is sent back in time to discover a way to prevent the apocalypse. His mission is not to change the past but uncover enough information about the initial spread of the virus by an insane animal activist group (led by a cross-eyed and insane Brad Pitt) to discover a cure in the present year of 2035. Of course, by traveling back in time, Cole actually causes many of the events leading up to viral outbreak. Why can't time traveling ever be simple!

I absolutely love time travel movies. The intricacies, the paradoxes, the tangents, the accidentally causing your mother to get wet for you and preventing your own birth. A time travel movie has to be perfect because if there's even a single hole, some nerd in his basement will splatter it all over the Internet and act like he actually accomplished something. So it's a tough task, but 12 Monkeys is one of the best time-travel/dystopian films of the modern era.

The best part of this movie is that it takes a while before you can conclusively say that it is, in fact, a time travel movie. For most of the film, there's the question of whether or not James Cole is actually a time-traveling prisoner from the future or if he's just fucking nuts. There's some great parallels between the insane asylum where Cole ends up and the apocalyptic steampunk world of 2035. There's even a great moment when Cole believes that he's insane while his psychiatrist whom he wants to bang (the love story is kind of tacked on) believes that he really is from the future, thus reversing roles entirely from the beginning of the movie.

To have Brad Pitt in a supporting role these days seems impossible, but Pitt gives one of the best performances of his career in his last movie before he was labeled a "mega star." He was even nominated for a best supporting Oscar for his portrayal of the insane leader of the 12 Monkeys animal activists group. Oh, and this is the last movie where Pitt is actually ugly as fuck so I commend him.

I highly suggest watching the making of documentary on the DVD about the director, Terry Gilliam. Man, what a fucking loon. It would take a man who is certifiably insane to make a mind-fuck of a movie like this. It's smart and it's funny and the script is perfect. I think it's one of the most underrated films of the 90s. Bow down and bask in its glory!

Why It's Awesome:

Well done time travel movies are awesome because they force you to think of the infinite possibilities and issues time travel presents...like would you bang your own mother if she was hot for you and looked like Lea Thompson? I know your initial reaction is no, but think about it...think about it...

Best Quote:

James Cole: I am insane. And you are my insanity.

Back to the Future Part III (1990)

Marty's time-traveling adventures come to an end in Back to the Future Part III. The third movie in a trilogy is always tough to critique because you not only have to judge the movie by itself, but you must also judge it based on the context of the entire series. So here goes...

Is it a good movie? Yes.
Is it as good as the first one? Not even close.
Is it better than its hot mess predecessor? Absolutely.
Is it a fitting end to the trilogy? Eh...

The Old West setting never really did it for me. It relied too much on fish-out-of-water humor and I realize all the movies are based on that sort of humor, but there's a big difference between the 30-year leap and the 100-year leap. It seems too gimmicky. Plus, Marty has no real connection to the time period. In 1955, there was a problem with his parents. In 2015, there was a problem with his children. Sure he has relatives back in 1885, but they're not the ones who need assistance.

The real problem with the third film is that the focus shifts from Marty to Doc, and that can't happen in a trilogy. The trilogy should complete a three-movie character arc. Marty has nothing to do in this movie, and centering the plot around Doc's love interest is just sappy, lazy storytelling. I don't give a shit about Doc getting laid! Travel in time, bitches!

The other issue is that there's a simple solution to their dilemma that makes the whole train hijacking unnecessary. There are two DeLoreans in 1885, the one Marty traveled back in and the DeLorean hidden in the mine. Marty and Doc can't travel back to the future because Marty punctured the gas tank. Easy fix: syphon the gas from the mineshaft DeLorean into the other DeLorean...problem solved. They can't use the mineshaft DeLorean to time travel because Marty needs that to travel back to 1885 in the first place, but he doesn't need it to have a full tank of gas when he gets it. Booya! I just bitch-slapped Doc Brown...with my mind!

Admitted, the train hijacking scene is fairly badass, but the ending with Doc showing back up in 1985 in a flying time-traveling train is fucking STUPID! He just spent the entire trilogy whining about how dangerous it is to mess with the timeline and how he wanted to destroy the time machine to avoid causing further damage and he breaks those rules to give Marty a FUCKING PHOTOGRAPH! DUMB!

In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...BIFF TANNEN, BITCHES!

Why It's Passable: The Clint Eastwood stuff is pretty funny and the train climax is pretty cool, but I've got a better ending. Mad Dog Tannen finds the time machine in the mine and uses it travel into the future to team up with Biff and Griff Tannen to form the most evil alliance known to mankind. Obviously they turn the entire world into a giant casino and make breast implants mandatory...BUTTHEAD!

Best Quote:

Doc: And in the future, we don't need horses. We have motorized carriages called automobiles.
Drunk: If everybody's got one of these auto-whatsits, does anybody walk or run anymore?
Doc: Of course we run. But for recreation. For fun.
Drunk: Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?

Back to the Future Part II (1989)

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads."

And so ends one of, if not THE, greatest 80s movie of all-time and so begins a hot mess of a sequel.

Really the sequel is three movies in one (2015 future, Paradox 1985, Return to 1955) and we'll look at all three separately. No matter which time period Marty stumbles into, one thing is constant: Biff Tannen is a total BADASS!

THE FUTURE (2015)

Everything about Marty and Doc's visit to the future is dumb. If not for the hoverboard, this would be a total loss. First of all, the reason for going there is stupid. If Doc is so worried about interfering in future events, why would he bring Marty and Jennifer into the FUTURE to INTERFERE with FUTURE EVENTS? And why bring them into the future at all? Why not just tell Marty not to race a Rolls Royce in the future and avoid the whole damn thing? I also love how they leave Jennifer unconscious in an alley. Apparently there are no rapists in the future (unlike 1955 where EVERYONE is a rapist).

Since this movie takes place in the year 2015 and we're just three years away, let's see how close the two Bobs came to accurately predicting the future:

Hover Cars...UNCHECK!
Stupid 3D movies of ridiculous sequels...CHECK!
Weather control...UNCHECK!
Stupid fashion...CHECK!
Cars run on garbage...UNCHECK!
Teens obsessed with technology...CHECK!
Self-lacing shoes...ummm, that one's tough because they do exist but only because of this movie

PARADOX (1985)

If the future is lame, Paradox 1985 makes up for it in shear and unadulterated AWESOMENESS! This is the world according to Biff. I don't know what Marty gets so upset about (besides the death of his father) because Paradox 1985 is a BIFFTOPIA! Public education has been done away with (it was failing anyways), the economy is thriving with the state raking in heaps of money from Biff's casino, and the women in Paradox 1985 have WAY bigger boobs than in regular 1985.

RETURN TO 1955

As stupid and full of plot holes as this movie is, credit the Bobs for one of the smartest moves in cinematic history. They knew their movie was lame so they said, "Hey! Why don't we just send the characters back into the movie we already know kicks ass?!" And thus Marty and Doc traveled back to Back to the Future and further reminded us why that movie was great and this movie is no better than Jaws 19.

In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...God bless America!

It's Saving Grace: If it weren't for the Biff Tannen taking his villainy to ludicrous levels, this movie would plummet into the depths of craptitude. During the sequel, he adds homicide, illegal time immigration, gambling fraud, spousal abuse, another attempted vehicular homicide, and misdemeanor perversion to his rap sheet.

Best Quote:

Young Biff: Why don't you make like a tree...and get out of here?
Old Biff: It's leave, you idiot! Make like a tree and leave. You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong!

Back to the Future (1985)

Hello? McFly!

If there is such a thing as a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. Back to the Future is a perfect sci-fi/adventure/incestual film. It’s certainly not the best trilogy ever (the Wild West, my ass!), but the original is easily the pinnacle of 80s commercial cinema. Hell, Huey of Huey Lewis and the News provides the soundtrack AND makes a cameo. How much more 80s can you get?!

But what people don’t realize is that this movie is one gigawatt away from being a pretty dark movie.

First of all, the story is brilliant: a teenager travels back in time and interferes with his parents’ first meeting, thus endangering his own existence. Perfect.

The cast is inspired.

Michael J. Fox – Cast a four foot tall man as your lead and you’ve got an instant underdog
Christopher Lloyd – Could anyone else have come off even half as coked up as Lloyd’s Doc Brown?
Crispin Glover – The man has not aged or decreased in awesomeness in thirty years. He is frozen…IN TIME!
Lea Thompson – She spent the 80s banging her son and a duck. Even if she were my mother, I would bang her…and thus become my own father! Mind fuck!
BIFF TANNEN – One of the most underrated villains in cinema…BUTTHEAD!

Now let’s take this PG classic to a dark place…

There are two attempted homicides and three documented cases of rape throughout the course of this film.

The first attempted homicide is the most obvious when the evil stereotyped middle-eastern terrorists from Libya gun down Doc Brown in front of the JC Penny. Don’t fuck with Libya, Doc Brown!

The thing that viewers always underplay is the fact that Biff Tannen tries to straight up MURDER Marty McFly (and this is just the first homicide of several throughout the trilogy). The fact is that Biff Tannen is a badass. If you trip him or enter the diner without his permission, he will straight-up try to run your ass over with his car or rape your prom date. That’s how Biff Tannen rolls!

The plethora of attempted and implied rape scenes in this movie is disturbing.

Rape #1: When Marty’s in the past and wakes up in his mother’s home after being struck by the car, he’s not wearing any pants. We can only assume Loraine, his own mother, fondled Little Marty while he lay passed out in her bed (Is the flux capacitor what makes time travel possible or a sexual position?). Sorry, Marty, you were raped by your own mother.

Rape #2: Marty tries to return the favor and attempts to convince his mother to bang his father by “pretending” to rape her (or perhaps rape her just a little?) before his father intervenes. Of course this doesn’t pan out due to…

Rape #3: Biff Tannen interrupts Marty’s rape attempt and counters it with one of his own, adding to his earlier offense of attempted murder. By the end of the trilogy, Biff Tannen will prove that he is history’s greatest badass by creating a rap sheet that would put Al Capone to shame.

Next week we’ll be moving along the timeline to Part II of the trilogy. Until then, make like a tree…AND GET OUT OF HERE!

Why It’s Awesome: Great Scott! Where to begin? A time traveling DeLorean? Trying to play matchmaker for your own parents to ensure your existence? A guy who wears 3D glasses everywhere despite the fact everything in real life is already in 3D? Yeah, it’s pretty damn good.

Best Quote:
Doc Brown: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit.