Old School (2003)

"You're my boy, Blue!"

Certain cinephiles have attempted to convince me that Old School doesn't hold up ten years later.

Those people are fucking idiots. This movie is STILL hilarious! Easily one of the top ten comedies of the New Millennium.

What a genius story: a couple of thirty-somethings start a fraternity where they do all the partying and none of the learning that one usually suffers in college. How many unhappy dudes in their thirties with kids and shitty jobs dream of just that? Booze? Sluts? Hazing rituals involving cinderblocks, rope, and a dude's wang?

Check, check, and check.

The cast is insane. This is the movie that put Will Ferrell on the cinematic map (before his whole shtick got old). Vince Vaughn was still transitioning into the comedy genre. And, personally, I've always enjoyed Luke Wilson's clueless everyman gimmick. Then you've got a perfect Circle of Life casting with Jeremy Piven playing the uptight dean in direct contrast to his earlier frat-boy-who-drives-the-dean-crazy casting in the underrated PCU. Oh, and whoever got Elisha Cuthbert to flaunt her sweet ass onscreen deserves a medal.

But the true test of the quality of a comedy is in its quote-worthiness. Let's do an Mitch-a-palooza quote-off!

"WE'RE GOIN' STREAKING!"

"Let me be the first to say congratulations then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

"Earmuffs!"

"Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low. HEY MIKE!"

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK!"

"Oh yeah. CHEEEEEE-EEEEEZE! Hey, didn't we lock you in a dumpster once?"

"No, it's cool, man. Bring your green hat!"

I'd say that's pretty legit. The best part is that the main protagonist undergoes no major character development, the love story is half-heartedly tacked on, and no non-slut female character spends more than two minutes onscreen at a time. Now that's a man movie!

Why It's Awesome:

Just stupid, frat humor with a cast of A-list comedians riffing for 90 minutes. Throughout the course of the movie, they condone statutory rape, binge drinking, cheating on formal tests, getting a divorce after only a month of marriage, blind-folded gang bangs, and solo streaking. How awesome was Pre-Recession America?

Best Quote:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know... I don't know if we'll have time!

Swingers (1996)

Contrary to what the title may lead you to believe, this is not a porn...

Swingers represents one of those rare low-budget movies that gains cult status mainly through its snappy dialogue and tools have been talking like Vince Vaughn ever since. "You're so money, baby!"

The script is based off of Jon Favreau's real life experiences acting like a total bitch after breaking up with his girlfriend and moving from New York to LA. His real life friends, Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston (of Office Space fame), play his film friends who attempt to get him laid and convince him to quit being such a pussy...to no avail.

The cast is amazing sans Favreau. Favreau belongs behind the camera. His few leading roles have all been epic fails and this one is no exception. He's just too whiny and unlikable and ugly to gain any kind of real sympathy. He just comes off as pathetic. Vaughn only has a career because of this role (he also did his best acting in this film, ironically, playing himself). He was so money he didn't even know how money he was! And Livingston is serviceable doing his underwhelming Average Joe routine.

If this movie proves anything, it's that smart writing will make up for a lack of funds and big budgets don't make great films. The writing (where Favreau DOES shine) makes this movie the classic it has become. There are so many money shots which don't even know how money they are:

- The opening Vegas scene where Mike and Trent are all jacked to go to Vegas but it takes forever to get there and then, when they finally do, it sucks...because that's what a trip to Vegas is actually like!

- The scene where Trent and Sue play SEGA hockey is the single most authentic male bonding scene ever filmed...ever. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here."

- The scene at the bar where the guys are talking about how long one should wait before calling a potential bang partner is another truly authentic view into the male psyche. "Two days is like industry standard."

- The answering machine conversation scene is downright painful to watch, but anyone who's ever said anything stupid and botched a bang attempt can certainly relate.

- There's also this great underrated scene where Mike and Rob are discussing Mike's past relationship while they play chip and putt (and quite poorly, I might add). I don't know why, but I think that's my favorite scene because they literally could have had the guys doing anything during that scene, but having them play chip and putt was MONEY!

Another mark of a great film is that it references other great films. Swingers pays homage to Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs, another low-budget masterpiece. The first time I saw that slow motion walking scene, ala Reservoir Dogs, I nearly pissed my pants.

If I had to choose one word to describe this movie, it would certainly be...excellent...wait, no! IT'S MONEY!

Why It's Awesome: This movie is a slap in the face to big budget fart stains like Avatar. It's just a couple of guys fucking around and trying to get laid. It was made for pocket change, and it's better than anything James Cameron will ever make.

Best Quote:

Trent: You're so money you don't even know how money you are!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Bergundy (2004)

Ron Bergundy himself announced that there will be an Anchorman 2 in the future, and, even though it will most likely be an epic failure of monumental proportions, it's still worth looking back at exactly why fans have been clamoring for a sequel to 2004's quotefest since the movie's release almost a decade ago.

To put it simply, Anchorman is the single most quotable movie...EVER! Think about that. That's damn impressive. The comments section of the Yahoo story announcing the sequel was literally just a dozen pages of quotes.

In honor of the announced sequel, I present to you Captain 69's LONGEST QUOTE-OFF IN THE HISTORY OF QUOTE-OFFS...EVER! In fact, I'm not even going to look up any of the quotes (scout's honor). I'm going to challenge myself and list as many quotes as I can off the top of my head. Enjoy!

"The Human Torch was denied a bank loan."

"When in Rome..."
"Yes, continue."

"I love lamp."

"I will smash your face into a car windshield. Then I will take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner...and never call her again!"

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"

"What's that? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate...an entire wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad. That's amazing."

"You know I don't speak Spanish!"

"I own many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogoney."

"I'm kind of a big deal."

"LOUD NOISES!"

"Sex Panther. Sixty percent of the time, it works...every time."

"I'm going to be honest. That smells like pure gasoline."

"Smells like Big Foot's dick!"

"Brick, where'd you get a grenade?"

"I stabbed a man in the heart with a trident."

"Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you abou that. You should find a safe house or a relative...somewhere to lay low for a while because you're probably wanted for murder."

"POLICIA!"

"Take me to pleasure town!"

"The Germans called it 'San Diego,' which in German means...a whale's vagina."

"Stings the nostrils."

"Hey everyone! Come see how good I look."

"I love Scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch."

"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"

"I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair."

"You play jazz flute?"

"I know what you're going to ask and the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. I call it the octagon."

"I heard their periods attract bears!"

"I want to be on you."

"Milk was a bad choice!"

"You stay classy, San Diego."

Whew! I'm going to cut myself off at 30. I could probably recite most of the movie...but I'm not going to. I'll save some room for all the memorable quotes Anchorman 2 will bring us (hopefully). Until then, go fuck yourself, San Diego!

Why It's Awesome: In the history of quotable movies, this is the quotiest of all-time and gave birth to all the other quote-fests to follow (Talladega, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Step Brothers, Knocked Up).

Best Quote: Uhh...see above.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

My parents' generation had Miracle on 34th Street; my generation has National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the best Christmas movie of the Millennial generation. Watching this movie (in spite of its crass language and partial nudity) has become a holiday tradition in many families' households every December and there's an easy reason why...it's freakin' hilarious and easily the best of all the Vacation flicks.

Christmas Vacation highlights everything that sucks about the holidays:

1) Searching for the "perfect" Christmas tree in the freezing cold

2) Visiting with pain-in-the-ass relatives

3) Hanging Christmas lights that never work

4) Realizing you're too old to go sledding

5) Having your shitter be full

It's perfect satire because we all look so fondly on all these holiday traditions, but, in reality, they're kind of a pain in the ass. Like Clark, we get our hopes up, dreaming of a perfect holiday with family, but nothing ever goes smoothly, and, even when it does, no one really notices or appreciates it.

Actually, Clark's disaster holiday is fairly tame by modern standards. Today he would be sprayed with mace trying to buy an X-box or trampled trying to enter a Walmart and he'd be divorced and Rusty would be secretly free-basing in the laundry room and Audrey would be pregnant and blow guys for a ride to the mall. Let's face it, late 80s disasters were nothing compared to the shit that goes down in the New Millennium.

Speaking of the Griswold family, this is easily my favorite family line-up. Of course you've got Chevy as the patriarch and his boner-inducing wife, Beverly D'Angelo, but the kids are by far the best of the series with the head nerd from Big Bang Theory taking over the reigns of Rusty and then Juliet "The Other Sister" Lewis stepping in as Audrey.

Anyways, that's it for the reviews for 2011. May your holidays be merry and all your shitters be full!

Why It's Awesome: John Hughes has a special talent for finding humor (as dark as it may be sometimes) in everyday situations and no one will ever capture the horror of the holidays better than this movie, which he wrote. The Griswolds are every family who dreams of a perfect holiday...and fail to achieve it.

Best Quotes (All of which have found their way into our family lexicon):

"SQUIRREL!!!"

"I'm gonna get you something (tongue click) reeeal niiiiice."

"That there's an RV."

"They want you to say grace...THE BLESSING!"

"Shitter's full!"

Step Brothers (2008)

I've decided this month is going to be Millennial Comedy Month - a month of comedies that accomplished something rare during the first decade of the new millennium...made me laugh at a movie.

Step Brothers is the last epically hilarious Will Ferrell comedy ever made. He should probably just die because I don't believe he has another movie like this in him. Give the man credit: he starred in three truly hilarious films during the decade with Anchorman, Talladega, and Step Brothers whereas the funniest man of the 90s (Sandler) only scored two actual funny films (Madison and Happy). And please don't try to argue with me about Sandler's merits as a comedian or I will fill a pillowcase full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you.

Really, if you look at all three, there's a common thread: Adam McKay (director extraordinaire). McKay gets the best out of Ferrell whereas other directors can only get him to run around the screen looking like a curly-headed fuck...a completely unfunny curly-headed fuck. John C. Reilly is the perfect comedy sidekick in this and Talladega (and try not to piss yourself watching him in Walk Hard...totally underrated). Plus you've got some great supporting actors in Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins, but the unsung hero of this film has to be Adam Scott, who plays an asshole of epic proportions (who lip syncs Vanilla Ice, no less).

This is how you make a comedy: create a funny premise (two man-children are forced to coexist when their parents marry) and fill the two leads with hilarious actors (Ferrell and Reilly). Boom! Let the hilarity ensue. But enough about things and stuff, these movies are about one thing...THE QUOTES.

Time for some EPIC STEP BROTHERS QUOTES:

Dale: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?
Brennan: 'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword...and you're not gonna NOT get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?

Brennan: I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

Dale: Dad, we're men. We like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
Dr. Doback: We have literally never done any of those things.

Alice: I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.

Dale: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes "Oh my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the wiener.

Brennan: I've got a belly full of white dog crap in me and now you lay this shit on me?!

On a final note, this movie reaches epic status for no other reason than it is the ONLY movie in history (Besides the truly horrific Children at Play) that shows adults beating up children. It's usually the other way around, but little kids are crap and I'm proud that McKay had the good sense to include two full grown men beating the piss out of a bunch of middle schoolers. If you have a problem with movies glorifying child abuse, do me a favor and just shut...shut your mouth...just shut your mouth for a second...

Why It's Awesome: Will Ferrell + John C. Reilly + Adam McKay + no real plot = EPIC WIN!

Best Quote (There's really only one thing left to say...):

BOATS AND HOES!

Wayne's World (1992)

It's Wayne's World!
Wayne's World!
Party time!
Excellent!

This is the best SNL spin-off ever...NOT! That would be The Blues Brothers, but it's definitely a close second and one of the best comedies of the early 90s. Not only did it transform many of the characters' catchphrases into popular lexicon but the movie actually invented a sound for popping a boner ("Schwing!") and for that reason alone, it deserves its place in history.

The main cast is EXCELLENT:

Mike Myers - I really hate Mike Myers because of all the Austin Powers catchphrases that have plagued our world since that movie's release, but it's not him I hate so much as the millions of annoying people who said them thinking they were as funny as Mike Myers ("Yeeeeeah, baby!" Umm...how about Nooooo, asshole!)

Dana Carvey - Here's the truth. Dana Carvey > Mike Myers. The box office may not agree but it's true. The man is the funniest SNL cast member EVER...period.

Tia Carrere - Not a great voice but I'm not sure she was hired because of her voice (psst...look at her tits)

Rob Lowe - The man LITERALLY says LITERALLY in this movie (you'll only get that reference if you watch Parks and Rec). Literally, one of the best bad guys of the 90s.


Oh, and Al Bundy plays Stan, the owner of the diner. That's right...Al Fuckin' Bundy...

Watching this movie now, I realize it has absolutely little to no recognizable plot; it's just one pointless segment after another (sprinkled with 90s references like Terminator and Grey Poupon), but it gets away with it and do you know why? Because it's fucking funny! After my recent viewing I realized I still use quotes from this movie to this day ("S'cuse me...I'd like to get BY now..."). Uh-oh. That can mean only one thing...

Time for some EXCELLENT WAYNE'S WORLD MOVIE QUOTES:

Wayne: Hey, Tiny, who's playing tonight?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne: The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne: So it's not just a clever name.

Wayne: We broke up over two months ago.
Stacy: Well that doesn't mean we still can't go out, does it?
Wayne: Well it does actually.

Al Bundy: I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder!

Really the only reason this movie works is that Wayne and Garth are so damn likable. They're right up there with Butch Cassidy/the Sundance Kid and Bill/Ted as the greatest movie tandem ever. Watch this movie and then listen to Bohemian Rhapsody and TRY not to headbang...you just can't do it. SCHWIIIIING!

Why It's Awesome: Two funny guys being funny in a funny movie saying and doing funny things. The formula for a successful comedy seems so simple and yet it's so rare we see one nowadays...

Quote I Still Use Every Single Time I Drive Through Delaware:

Wayne: Or imagine being able to be magically whisked away to...DELAWARE! (sounding totally bored out of his mind) Hi...I'm in Delaware.

They Live (1988)

Forget that this movie stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

Forget that this movie contains one of the longest and illogical fights scenes of all time (at five minutes and twenty seconds it may be THE longest fight scene in cinematic history).
Forget that the basis of the movie is that a drifter finds a pair of "special" sunglasses that allows him to see the world for what it truly is, a consumer-based slave ship run by aliens using subliminal messages.

This is a good fuckin' movie because it does what many movies fail to do...it SAYS something.
This movie was made in the late 80s at the height of the yuppie movement that would swell into the net boom of the 90s. It's a movie that warned of the dangers of consumerism and the use of media to control the middle class and turn them into mindless cattle.

Talk about a movie that needs to be remade!

The ten minute section of the film when Piper first finds the sunglasses and wanders around the city seeing the world for what it truly is is one of the most poignant and haunting statements of our modern world ever captured on film. Billboards, magazines, political ads, and television commercials contain subliminal messages such as:

Obey
No Imagination
Surrender
Do not question authority
Consume

And the most telling of all, printed on dollar bills: THIS IS YOUR GOD.

And the scariest part of the whole alien conspiracy is that there are humans who have knowledge of the plot but are actively assisting the aliens for financial gain, selling out their own species for the Almighty Dollar.

If you ask me, we've been sleeping for the past thirty years, refusing to question authority and consuming like the good little sheep that we are. The middle class is dwindling and constantly under attack while the upper class, the ones responsible for the financial crisis, continue to increase their wealth and power base. You don't need a pair of special sunglasses to see the working man is being fucked in the ass but it ain't aliens doing the fucking...

Why It's Awesome: It's social commentary that works. Sure, the movie breaks down into Piper running around with a shotgun with seemingly infinite ammo blasting aliens left and right but the build-up to the senseless action is enough to persuade me to arm myself and form a militia.

Best Quote (a classic...):
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Groundhog Day (1993)

We've survived January's crapapalooza and can now move on to some quality films.

What better way to start than one of my top favorite movies OF ALL TIME. In honor of February 2, this week's movie is Groundhog Day, one of the great PHILosophical comedies in cinematic history.

I could spend this entire entry discussing the quality of the comedic aspects of the film or Murray's spot-on performance as a self-centered weatherman, or the ridiculous quotability factor of the film...but I'm not going to. Instead, I'd much rather talk about the philosophical questions raised by the premise. What would happen if a man was forced to live the same day over and over again for ten years?

The movie portrays the progression most human beings would undergo if they were in the same situation. First you'd be freaked, then you'd become a power-hungry, self-absorbed megalomaniac, then you'd think you were a god and become an immoral sociopath, murdering and stealing and raping at will (they don't cover that stage of the progression too in-depth in the film, then you'd grow tired of the whole thing and try to kill yourself, and finally you'd become a benevolent caretaker to all the inhabitants of your tiny universe/prison.

The final act, although not as entertaining as the second, is by far the most interesting from a philosophical standpoint. Although Phil seems to learn the importance of being kind to others, I think he is at his most immoral at the end of the film because he's come to believe that he is a god. He doesn't help the citizens of Puxatawny because he wants to help them, he helps them because he feels responsible for them. They exist in HIS world and it is his duty to ensure nothing bad happens to any of them. In reality, that last day when he assists nearly everyone in town is his MOST selfish act.

Man, a movie that creates this sort of philosophical conversation MUST be good. Watch it, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: Perhaps the deepest comedy of all time...and, from a screenwriter's point of view, one of the best written scripts of the 90's.

Best Quote:

Phil: Do I have to use the word 'poopie'?

The Room (2003)

Hi doggy!

Let's start 2011 with the best worst movie of the past decade. I'm speaking of course of Tommy Wisaeu's masterpiece of garbage, THE ROOM.

Ever wonder what would happen if one of the Geico cavemen decided to write, star, direct, and produce his own movie even though he had no business doing any of those things? You'd get the most insane, illogical piece of flaming turd of a movie mankind has ever seen. This movie is proof that there is a God and He hates us.

Oh, hi Denny!

This movie is so bad that there are actually midnight screenings of this flick throughout the country (similar to the midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in the past) where the audience throws plastic spoons at the screen and tosses a football around to commemorate the craptitude of the movie. Why's the movie so bad? Well, in addition to the acting, writing, dialogue, character development, directing, special effects, and lighting being just absolutely THE WORST, the plot makes absolutely zero sense. Here are some highlights that actually need to be seen to understand just how illogical this movie truly is:

- There's a greeting every two minutes, sometimes in the middle of other, more important lines ("I did not hit her. It's bullshit. I did not hit her - oh, hi Mark!").

- In the first ten minutes of the movie, there are two sex scenes before any semblance of a plot are even hinted at.

- The set includes framed pictures of spoons, which are never explained or even acknowledged.

- There's a random scene where four guys put on tuxedos and throw a football around while they stand three feet away from one another. It has no significance or meaning.

- At one point one character tries to murder another by throwing the guy off the roof. Afterwards, neither one seems to care that this just happened, not even the intended victim.

- Near the end of the movie, one of the major characters simply disappears and his lines are given to a random person we've never seen before.

- Multiple subplots are introduced and then forgotten immediately. These include Denny, a strange man-child, being threatened by a drug dealer who loaned drugs to Denny (Who the hell loans out drugs on credit?), Lisa's mother being diagnosed with breast cancer, and Lisa telling Johney she's pregnant "just to make things interesting" (whatever the fuck THAT is supposed to mean).

- Juliette Daniel's nipples actually spend more time on the screen than most of the main characters.

My head hurts just remembering all the stupidity this movie introduced to the world. This movie makes The Human Centipede look like Citizen Kane. The Room stands as proof that anybody - and I mean any fucking brain dead retard who can't even speak English - can make a movie. In the words of Biff Tannen..."I just wanna say one thing...God bless America."

Oh, hi Mark!

Why It's Awful: It does everything WRONG in the most wrong ways possible. It sits alongside Troll 2 and Surf Nazis Must Die as the absolute worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Well done, Tommy Wiseau. You're in wonderful company.

Worst Quote:

Let's stick with the now infamous, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!!!"

Army of Darkness (1992)

Hail to the king, baby...

If the difference in tone was significant between the original Evil Dead and its sequel, then be prepared to enter a different universe with Army of Darkness. In fact, I have to agree with the fans who say this shouldn't even be counted as an Evil Dead movie. It's not. Bruce Campbell isn't even acting here. He's not Ash...he's fucking BRUCE CAMPBELL. The opening even says, "Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness."

Sure, we get one outing with the Evil-cam but all the original horror elements have vanished here (including the over-the-top gore), replaced with ridiculous slapstick comedy (Ash vs. tiny Ash clones and then Ash vs. skeleton mannequins) and one-liners spit out by a hardcore action hero equipped with a chainsaw and his trademark, "boomstick."

There's a reason Army of Darkness is a cult classic...mainly because it's FUCKING AWESOME! This movie kicks the shit out of basically every movie made between the years 2000 - 2010. At no point was this trying to be anything but campy action fun featuring Bruce Campbell. I don't even think this movie was made to make money (an impossible feat by today's standards). It just seems like a movie where a bunch of buddies got together with millions of dollars and said, "Let's make a movie that kicks ass about Bruce fighting a bunch of skeleton dummies and throw in some cheap claymation." And you know what? They succeeded.

No one can watch this movie and not have fun. I watched this movie with my wife (who is a big fan of another Raimi project, Xena: Warrior Slut) and even she enjoyed it. Of course, that could have something to do with her being wet for Bruce Campbell, but, in all fairness, who ISN'T wet for Bruce Campbell? Fuck, I'm wet for Bruce Campbell. Groovy...

Why It's Awesome: Two Words...Bruce Campbell.

Best Quotes (Here we go...):

"You see this? This is my BOOMSTICK!"

"Shop smart...shop S-Mart."

"You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

"Honey, you got real ugly."

Over The Top (1987)

If you see only one arm wrestling/child custody movie in your lifetime, make it...OVER THE TOP! It's basically Kramer vs. Kramer...WITH ARM WRESTLING!

Seriously, Stallone has been in some amazing, classic movies, but he's also made some super dog shit that would make regular dog shit gag and vomit. Over the Top is one of his most ridiculous POS movies with some of the WORST 80's music you will ever hear. Just listening to "Meet Me Halfway" by Kenny Loggins will make any real man's penis shrink and shrivel to the size of a millipede. Meet me halfway...across the sky! Umm...no thanks, Kenny. I'm fine right here.

The premise is just plain stupid. A trucker tries to reconnect with his wet, sopping pussy of an estranged son when his ex-wife contracts super AIDS and does so by kidnapping him from his military school (where apparently being a pussy is tolerated) and driving him cross-country in his semi-truck...oh yeah, did I mention that this trucker, Lincoln Hawk (or Hawkes as he's called in the middle of the movie for no reason) is a member of an underground trucker's arm-wrestling circuit? No? I left that little nugget of chocolaty crappiness out? My apologies. After all, the arm-wrestling is at the heart of the movie...that is if this movie had a heart. Bull Hurley arm-wrestled the movie's heart in a double-elimination tournament since it had no shittin' business being in the same room as him.

The best part of the movie is watching the actors' sweat stains grow and expand faster than the super AIDS infesting Hawk's wife's immune system. Like in the scene where Bull enters the diner. When he walks through the door, his shirt is speckled with sweat. Then he walks over to Hawk's pussy of a son and there's a pool of sweat on his shirt. When he finally confronts Hawkes, his shirt has gone from gray to dark gray because the entire thing is nothing but sweat! I got ten bucks says that set smelled worse than the set of Babe.

Why It's Worth Watching: Definitely one of the top three arm-wrestling movies ever made.

Best Conversation:

The Smasher: You Hawkes?

(No response)

The Smasher: I said, are you Hawkes?

Hawk: Who wants to know?

The Smasher: Well I'm the Smasher.

Hawk: Nice name.

The Smasher: Word on the road is you're the man to beat.

Hawk: Can't believe everything you hear.

The Smasher: I DON'T! I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING! I got a grand says I can rip your arm off. Do you want it? I SAID, DO YOU WANT IT?!

Hawk: Why not?

The Smasher: All right! Let's get this table set up!

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

When you talk about the greatest comedies of the 90's, Dumb and Dumber has to be part of the conversation, if not the horse to beat. It set the bar for wacky, slapstick comedies starring idiots that would follow such as Tommy Boy and There's Something About Mary. Basically all they did was make Homer Simpson a real person, duplicate him, and make an hour and a half movie about them...genius.

I don't know anyone who is worth anything who doesn't know a Dumb and Dumber quote. Let me hit you with a few:

- "We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

- "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

- "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!"

- "Just when I thought you could possibly do anything dumber, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

This is another one of those movies that they play on TBS every fucking weekend so these quotes have become ingrained in people's heads. My college roommate loved this movie so much and had seen it so many times that he would get drunk and then recite the movie, line for line from beginning to end and not only that, but he would SING THE LYRICS TO THE TRANSITION SONGS BETWEEN SONGS. Now that is fucking impressive...and also a little sad.

The entire movie is hilarious from beginning to end and it possesses just enough plot to keep the whole thing moving along. No other actor could be Lloyd Christmas and Jeff Daniels is the perfect compliment to the facial expressions. Watch the movie and laugh your ass off!

Why It's Awesome: Two idiots on a cross-country trip with a suitcase full of money and riding on a gas-powered moped...genius in an idiotic sort of way.

Most Irreverent and Pointless Yet Still Hilarious Quote:

Lloyd: Hey guy! Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? (pause) Welp...see ya later!

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Movie buffs always sing the praises of Pulp Fiction as Quentin Tarentino's masterpiece, but I'll take me some Reservoir Dogs any day of the week. It's just so fucking raw and violent and cool. Without this movie, there is no Pulp Fiction.

The characters are all so generic at first in their identical suits and sunglasses, but the character development throughout the movie is simply amazing. We've got the high-strung Mr. Pink (Could anyone have played this part better than Steve Buscemi?), the fraternal Mr. White, the psychotic Mr. Blonde (having his name be the only one that's not actually a color...brilliant), the cool undercover cop, Mr. Orange, and the rest of the color spectrum.

Whenever you discuss a Tarentino movie, you have to mention the dialogue. Tarentino's dialogue has a rhythm and a beat all its own. The opening conversation about the real meaning of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" might be the single best opening dialogue in cinematic history, followed closely by Mr. Pink's explanation as to why he refuses to tip (I use his "Learn to fucking type" line whenever I explain why a 20% tip is ludicrous). There's just so many quality lines in this movie it's really unbelievable.

And if it's Tarentino, you know it's going to be a fucking bloodbath. This one is a literal bloodbath as Mr. Orange gushes...gushes SHIT nearly the entire movie until he's bathing in his own blood. And of course we can't forget about the ear scene, the most famous scene in the movie. It's tame by today's standards but the sight of Marvin Nash's deformed head still makes me cringe.

This is a movie made for men who like movies. Not a single fucking woman says a single line in the entire film...now that's a man movie! My favorite of Tarentino's work and a clinic on how to make a quality independent flick.

Why It's Awesome: One of the coolest movies ever made. Guys in suits and shades shoot cops and steal diamonds and argue over which one of them is going to be "Mr. Pussy." Just classic stuff here. And Mr. Blonde holding that milkshake like he doesn't have a care in the world...

Best Lines:

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Mr. White: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Road House (1989)

Ask me what the greatest comedy of the 80's was and I won't answer Caddyshack or National Lampoon's Vacation or Ghostbusters. No, to me, the greatest comedy of the 80's is clear. The answer? ROAD HOUSE!

I know the movie wasn't trying to be funny, but its attempt at making a testosterone-filled "guy movie" backfired and instead borders on gay porn at times. I know Dalton fucks a pretty hot 80's chick at one point but that is easily canceled out by him doing Tai Chi half naked while the fat Santa Clause farmer watches him and beats off and Swayze's gay ballerina dancing throughout the whole movie. Oh, and if we're talking about the gayness we can't forget about the guy with the perm who admits that he fucks men...if that's not gay, I don't know what is.

As cheesy as this movie is at times, it's the dialogue that rockets this film from cheese to EPIC CHEESE! Some of my favorite lines:

"Pain don't hurt."

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison."

"You're too stupid to have a good time."

"Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?"

And the bar being called "The Double Deuce" is just the icing on the cake. Basically the place is called "The Double Shit" which is fitting.

I want to see a remake of this film with Will Ferrell in the Swayze role. You don't have to change anything else. Remake it line for line, scene for scene, with Ferrell as the lead and you've got yourself the greatest comedy ever made. Hollywood, make it happen!

Just remember...pain don't hurt (even though that's the definition of pain).

Why It's Awesome: A bar fight erupts every fifteen minutes and there's a random strip scene with a smoking hot 80's chick for no particular reason. Plus, Road House provides you with quotes that are useful in everyday life. If your boss pisses you off, just tell him, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Works like a charm.

Best Quote: Geez...let's see...THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

THAT-JUST-HAPPENED!

You know, it seems like comedians make two kick-ass movies before the quality of their work transforms into a string of hit-or-miss comedies. Adam Sandler had Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore before his hit-or-miss run farted out into a continuous stream of diarrhea. Will Ferrell scored big with Anchorman and then followed that up with the hilarious Talledega Nights...although Ferrell seems to be faring better than Sandler since for every Land of the Lost he comes out with a Step Brothers.

Not that a movie about NASCAR needs much help to be ridiculous but this is another Ferrell comedy where it seems like the actors were told to just walk out on set and start saying a bunch of random bullshit. This one is a QUOTE BONANZA!

Ferrell's got plenty of help out there (mainly from John C. Reilly) and the cast is even more impressive looking back on it four years later. Let's see, we've got:

- John C. Reilly (Step Brothers/Walk Hard)

- Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat...need I say more?)

- Jane Lynch (Glee)

- Amy Adams (Wedding Crashers and a bunch of shitty romantic comedies)

- Jack McBryer (30 Rock - he plays his fucking 30 Rock character)

- Oh, and let's not forget about THE CHAMP!

Honestly, I'm not going to explain why this movie is fucking hilarious. If you don't understand, Tommy will come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer. Just remember...SHAKE AND BAKE! As the great Colonol Sanders said, "I'm too drunk...to taste this chicken."

Why It's Awesome: Six Words: Will Ferrell as a Nascar driver...'nuff said.

Best Quote:

Ricky: We like to have a lot of laughs on the track, but today we're here to talk to you about something serious: Packs of wild dogs that control most major cities in North America. If you see a dog, don't call the authories; approach it and lie down.

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

Now comedy fans will swear to their dying breath that Holy Grail is the superior flick, but, personally, I've always been a bigger fan of Life of Brian. If it weren't for Christian idiots considering the movie to be an affront to Jesus Christ (which it's not), I think Life of Brian would get a lot more credit.

Sure, there's some goofball stuff here (the scene where everyone is hiding from the Romans in the most ridiculous hiding spots ever) and some quality British humor (the Roman guard correcting Brian's Latin rather than punishing him for defacing the Roman capital), but there's also some quality social commentary, too. It's a fairly accurate portrayal of the religious hysteria, fanaticism, and persecution during Jesus's lifetime (and let's be honest, that shit still goes on today).

The scene that sticks out in my mind as just being the perfect satirical statement about religion is the scene where Brian addresses the crowd (who now think he's the messiah) and he tells them that they don't need to follow anyone, that they're all individuals. And then the crowd responds, in unison, "Yes...we're all individuals." Perfect. And I'm sure that's the scene that religious zealots hate because that's the perfect depiction of their "flock." And I'm sure the scene with the group of crucified men singing "Always look on the bright side of your life" didn't help either.

Of course, then there's the scene with the space aliens driving around with Brian in the back of their spaceship so there's a nice contrast between the thought-provoking and the just plain silly. And to this day I can't say Biggus Dickus without cracking a smile...

Why It's Awesome: The greatest British comedy troupe of all-time makes a movie so controversial it's banned in Norway. What's better than that?

Best Quote:

Pontius Pilate: Anybody else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwiend....Biggus...Dickus?

Jurassic Park (1993)

There are certain movies that when you see them in the theater, the theater experience takes on a life of its own. I've had a handful of memorable theater experiences in my lifetime.

Seeing Freddy vs. Jason on opening night was a theater experience I'll never forget.

Watching The Sixth Sense in a theater full of terrified black people is another.

But my most memorable theater experience was going to see Jurassic Park with my mother when I was 10 years-old. The movie had been out for two or three weeks already but people were still going to see it in droves. My mother and I arrived at the theater late and the theater was packed, forcing us to sit in the only seats available...dead center in the first row. Now the first row usually isn't where you want to sit in a movie theater, but, let me tell you, there wasn't a better seat in the house. I literally felt like I was in the movie, my neck craned, staring up at the T-Rex on the screen, the orchestra music rushing over me. That is an experience I'll never forget...

And yes, looking back almost twenty years later, the script was obviously dumbed down to appeal to a mass audience, but anyone who tells me their jaw didn't hit the theater floor when they first saw that brachiosaurus is a fucking liar. And the T-Rex scene in the rain still gives me goosebumps. I swear, sitting there in that theater, I didn't breathe the entire scene. I'm surprised I didn't pass out. And let's be honest here, people, the movie wasn't about the acting or the script; it was about the fucking dinosaurs and, in that department, Spielberg did exactly what he set out to do: create a fun movie about dinosaurs that would be a box-office giant.

The epicness of the first film has obviously been tainted by the far inferior sequels that would follow, but I still remember sitting in that theater, knowing that I was witnessing not only a great film but experiencing an event that I still remember to this day. That's just good film-making.

Why It's Awesome: Truly awe-inspiring special effects. You felt like those dinosaurs were really there. And you know why? Because Spielberg used a good mix of CGI and puppets! And no one can tell me the puppets didn't look ten times better than the CGI.!George Lucas should have been paying attention instead of beating off to the CGI effects that would ruin his Star Wars prequels.

Best Quote:

Muldoon: Clever girl...(before being ripped to shreds by the raptor, even though the action is conveniently blocked by a well-placed palm frond).

Team America: World Police (2004)

America...FUCK YEAH!

Listen, I'm tired of people telling me they don't think "South Park humor" is funny. Forget about Mr. Hanky and the fart jokes. You're thinking of the first two (far inferior) seasons of South Park. Get over that shit and live in the now. South Park is easily one of the smartest political and social satires of all time and if you don't agree, then you don't know shit about shit.

Team America, a movie shot entirely with puppets, was released in the middle of the Bush era and provides a perfect satirical snapshot of the time. It completely annihilates current events occurring of the day including:

1) America policing the world looking for "terrorists" following the 9/11 attacks in spite of the rest of the world hating our fucking guts.

2) Celebrities sticking their noses into the world of politics in spite of the fact that they're fucking clowns and should stick to entertaining us like the good little monkeys that they are.

3) Shitty Jerry Bruckheimer produced action movies that sucked dick in spite of their lucrative budgets and overpaid cast of asshole celebrities.

All these things needed to be spoofed and Trey Parker and Matt Stone bent these issues over and fucked the shit out of them...with puppets.

There are a few things that are absolutely LEGENDARY in this flick. The first is the musical score. I don't often buy movie soundtracks, but this one is a must have. These are the funniest songs ever included in any film...EVER! Everyone has AIDS? America...FUCK YEAH? Montage? But the single greatest song has to be Pearl Harbor Sucked and I Miss You. The song's sole purpose is to point out how badly the movie, Pearl Harbor, sucked and it hits the nail right on the 'ole noggin. FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY! Stick to your shitty transforming robots with random explosions movies. Leave historical action movies to someone with actual skills.

The next LEGENDARY aspect of this film (I dare you to argue this point with me) is the puppet sex scene, which is, by far, the most inappropriate yet hilarious scene ever filmed. When that guy puppet is pile driving the chick puppet I nearly pissed my fucking pants. Of course, then Gary pisses on Lisa's face, followed by Lisa shitting on Gary's face. Try not to bust a nut laughing when you watch it...I dare you!

So even if you don't "get" South Park (because you're too stupid), that shouldn't change the fact that this is a hilarious movie...starring puppets. The puppets alone make it EPIC, but then you throw in some great political satire and celebrities getting mutilated and killed and you've got yourself an underrated classic on your hands.

Why It's Awesome: Are you serious...I just...I just explained that to you (Zoolander).

Best Quote:

Matt Damon: Maaatt...Damon! (sounding fucking retarded)

Ghostbusters (1984)

Who ya gonna call?

Fucking Ghostbusters, bitch!

So the Ghostbusters were my life when I was a kid. I watched the animated show everyday after school. I had all the toys and vehicles, even the Slimer that vomited slime. I remember going to the drive-in theater to watch Ghostbusters II and thinking it was the greatest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. And I was right. I wasn't alive for very long so my standards were pretty low at the time.

The first Ghostbusters film is still a flick I can watch over and over again, mainly because of Murray's performance and his legendary wisecracks. Without him, it's not the same movie, but you gotta give it up to the rest of the cast, too. Aykroyd and Ramis hold their own and (since they wrote the damn thing) I guess you gotta give them some credit, too. Winston was my favorite on the cartoon, but his role in the movie is fairly limited. Apparently the part was originally written for Eddie Murphy and the role was much larger, but Murphy decided to film Beverly Hills Cop instead. Guess you can't fault him for that.

Don't ask me why the black guy was my favorite. I think I liked the color of his jumpsuit the best. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I had an argument with my best friend, Danny Piquiet, on the bus about what color Egon's jumpsuit was. I said it was green and that prick kept insisting it was blue (In reality, it's greenish-blue). We were so pissed about the whole thing we refused to sit next to each other on the bus for a week. Even then I took entertainment pretty seriously. I still stand by my side of the argument so fuck you, Danny Piquiet. THAT SHIT WAS GREEN, BITCH!

Why It's Awesome: One of the few films ever to have a successful cartoon spin-off that was just as good as the movie. Until recently, I always thought the cartoon gave birth to the movie and not the other way around. You learn something new everyday, my friends...

Best Quote:

Ray: Everything was fine with our system until our power grid was shut down by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true:

Peter: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Every now and then you reach into the BAG 'O FATE and the Powers That Be smile down on you...

Indiana Jones was my hero growing up. Indiana Jones is THE greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!).

And, as a special gift from the Movie Fates, the first Indiana movie I get to review is my absolute favorite. Now people will argue to death that Raiders is the clear-cut best of the trilogy (There are only three Indiana Jones movies...only three I tell you!), but, in my humble opinion, Last Crusade is easily more fun and more action-packed than the original.

Just the simple fact that they made JAMES BOND Indiana Jones' father makes this movie beyond epic. Ford and Connery have AMAZING chemistry, and, in the end, that's what makes this movie an absolute masterpiece in the adventure genre. They keep the relationship light and entertaining and avoid getting too mushy, but it's an amazing pair and having the relationship as the central focus of the film was simply brilliant (obviously not Lucas's idea).

Nearly every scene in this film is memorable for one reason or another. I'll just list the scenes and, if you're any kind of Indy fan, an image will automatically pop into your head that will, no doubt, supply you with an instant boner:

* The train scene

* The catacombs scene

* The boat scene

*The castle scene

*The motorcycle chase scene

* The blimp scene

*The tank scene

*The grail scenes

Just classic, classic stuff here.

The reason this movie kicks so much ass is that it took what was great about the first movie and simply added to it. You've got the return of some favorite characters in Sallah and Marcus Brody, the return of the Nazis as the villains, and a Christian artifact is once again the central focus. Add to that James Bond (a BIG improvement over Short Round from ToD), and you've got the greatest adventure movie in cinematic history...believe it!

Let us all remember Indiana Jones in this film rather than in THE FILM THAT MUST NOT BE SPOKEN OF...which any respectable Indy fan must abhor until one's dying days. Death to you Spielberg and Lucas...obviously Last Crusade was a gift from God itself because you clowns can't make a decent movie to save your pathetic lives...may you both rot in Hell for eternity for what you did to Indiana Jones. That is all.

Why It's Epic: Indiana Jones and James Bond together as father and son, killing Nazis, avoiding booby traps, and banging the same chick. INDIANA JONES RULES!

Best Quote:

Indiana: No ticket...(legendary)