Cabin in the Woods (2012)

 

I wanted to give Joss Whedon another chance after that abomination that was The Avengers (if for no other reason than Buffy) so I watched Cabin in the Woods, his other 2k12 offering. Did he redeem himself? Well...you're damn right he did. CitW is classic Whedon, a perfect blend of horror and comedy. It's unique, innovative, and damn funny at parts, too.

It's tough to describe CitW's genre. The best way to describe it is as a horror satire. It basically does what the original Scream did, using common horror clichés to comment on the genre as a whole. Five stupid college kids (a jock, a virgin, a slut, a nerd, and a stoner) go to an isolated cabin in the woods to get baked and bang...which always turns out well. They uncover a hidden cellar that contains all sorts of weird artifacts. In true Evil Dead fashion, they read from a strange book and resurrect a family of evil redneck zombies. You can guess what happens next.

Of course, if that's all this movie was, it would be every other horror movie ever made...but it's not. From the beginning, it's clear the entire situation is being manipulated by a strange organization who seem intent on making certain these kids get killed. This is where things get interesting. When the kids decide to stick together, the manipulators pump gas into the cabin to alter their judgment and convince them (like every other horror movie victims) it's better to split up. When Thor and his slut girlfriend go out into the woods, the manipulators alter the lighting to get them in the banging mood. This is why everyone in horror movies is retarded...they're being manipulated to make poor decisions.

The twist is that this organization is part of a world organization that is in charge of making human sacrifices to the Old Gods. If the sacrifices fail, the Old Gods return and destroy the world. Oh yeah, spoiler alert...

The characters are horrible clichés...like most horror movies. The main character (the virgin) doesn't really have much personality at all and you never really care about her. The only character who is interesting at all is the stoner...and he's the second character who gets killed. After his death, I thought, "Man, what a poor decision to kill off the only interesting character so early." And then...he comes back and my faith was totally restored in Joss. Make the stoner the hero. How often does that happen?

The best part of the movie happens when the virgin and the stoner make their way into the secret organization's headquarters and discover what's going on. They find an entire prison full of horror movie monsters ranging from vampires to werewolves to Hellraiser-esque S&M monsters to yetis to the dreaded merman. And of course there's a giant red button that releases all these monsters into the facility (why wouldn't there be?) and all hell breaks loose...literally.

It's scary and funny and I can even forgive it for the horrible CGI effects at times because of its originality. I haven't enjoyed a modern horror movie for a long time, but I enjoyed this. Of course, like Scream, it also makes it impossible to ever enjoy a cliché "stupid kids go into the woods" movie ever again.

Why It's Awesome:

It's innovative, smart, and different. Do you know how often I use those adjectives to describe a modern movie? Answer: not often. Good job, Joss. When's the next season of Buffy coming out?

Best Quote:

Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of...wait...am I on speakerphone?
Hadley: No, absolutely not. Speakerphone, no, no, I wouldn't do that.
Mordecai: Yes I am. I can hear the echo.
Hadley: Oh, my God, you're right. Hang on one second, I'll take you off.
Mordecai: That's rude.

Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

This is a good movie. I said it aloud while I watched it. I was sitting on the floor half-watching it while I played with my son, and I glanced over at my wife and said, "This is a good movie." She agreed. It's the kind of movie you have to watch once in a while as a reminder of what a good movie looks like. With Kristen Stewart still acting, you need that every once in a while.

The movie stars Ryan Gosling (in a role not intended to make girls wet, surprisingly) as an introverted man named Lars. One day Lars shows up at his brother's house with his new girlfriend: an expensive real-life sex doll (the kind you pay thousands of dollars for because they're anatomically correct...). Lars treats the doll as if she is a real-life Brazilian woman named Bianca. Lars' brother thinks he's crazy, but the small town doctor encourages him to go along with Lars' delusion. Pretty soon the entire town is playing along, inviting Bianca to parties, electing her to the school board, and hiring her part-time at the local department store.

The concept sounds like it should be some madcap comedy starring a Wyans brother or something, but this is a subtle, sweet indie comedy, and that's what makes it such a great movie. The writing is smart, and the acting all around is phenomenal. Ryan Gosling should have at least gotten a nomination for his performance, and Patricia Clarkson is especially house as Dr. Dagmar. Oh, but the best actress in the film is Kelli Garner for acting like a mousy, awkward co-worker of Lars' when she is actually smoking hot (check out her pics online if you don't believe me). Damn those puppy-concealing sweaters!

My favorite part of the movie is the ending when Lars starts to fall for Margo, an actual flesh and blood human being, but he's still "dating" his sex doll, Bianca. So he does what any honorable man does when he wants to leave his current chick for a new one: HE KILLS HER OFF! Ha! That's right, he kills off his sex doll. All of a sudden Bianca gets "sick" and dies, and Lars is such a pimp he actually macs Margo at Bianca's funeral! Now that's a playa!

Why It's Awesome:

You take a great concept (delusional man parades around with sex doll as if it's real), write a smart script, and populate the movie with solid actors. That's how you make a good movie. Oh, and don't let Kristen Stewart anywhere near the thing.

Best Quote:

Dagmar: You won't be able to change his mind, anyway. Bianca's in town for a reason.
Gus: But - but...
Dagmar: It's not really a choice.
Karin: Okay. Okay, all right, we'll do it, whatever it takes.
Gus: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's gonna laugh at him.
Dagmar: And you.

LoTR: Return of the King (2003)

The reason Return of the King is one of my favorite movies is that it is the culmination (CULMINATION!) of the greatest film trilogy known to man (sit down, George Lucas!). I saw this movie in the theaters and I wept during the final credits...wept like Leonardo DiCaprio after yet another Oscar snub, and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Individually, the three movies in the LotR trilogy are excellent movies, but, together, they make Baby Jesus weep tears of joy at their perfection. Watch the entire series back-to back-to back and you will know exactly what I'm talking about (as long as you have an extra 27 hours at your disposal).

With that in mind, I'm going to mock the movie because that's what I usually do, but please know that I do so with love...nothing but love. Soooooo...

...how much of a pussy is Frodo? Honestly? My favorite moment of the entire movie is when Sam has to LITERALLY carry the entire quest on his shoulders like he's metaphorically been doing since the dissolution of the Fellowship. I remember as a young lad reading about Frodo's "death" at the hands of the spider with the name of a black woman from Brooklyn and actually CHEERING. Then, of course, we learn that Frodo is not actually dead, and I cannot even describe my disappointment. I've never felt disappointment after learning that someone is still alive, but I did when I discovered that Frodo was just useless and not DOA.

The only problem I have with the EPIC battle scenes in the last two movies is that they all end the exact same way: with a MIRACULOUS late arrival of some ally force that turns the tide of the battle. I get the whole "no matter what the odds are good will overcome evil if they have the strength to persevere" thing, but, seriously. c'mon! The Battle of Helm's Deep ends with the MIRACULOUS arrival of Gandalf and his Rohan Riders. The Battle of Minas Tirith includes two MIRACULOUS arrivals with the Rohan army's arrival and then, when that goes to shit, Aragorn shows up with his ghost army (which is kind of ridiculous and a bit too deus ex machina). Oh, and let's not forget the MIRACULOUS arrival of the eagles (who didn't do shit the entire War of the Ring) when Frodo and Sam are about to take a nice, hot lava bath.

The thing most people ignore about the books and film is that Tolkien is a hardcore racist. All the people fighting the Dark Lord are straight-up white folk (the elves are, like, the whitest of white people) and then all the allies of Sauron are black or Middle Eastern. They're even referred to as corrupt men from "The East." Tolkien could have served as George W. Bush's Secretary of Propaganda. The message is clear: In Middle Earth, if you ain't white, you ain't right.

In spite of all that and anything else one can say about the movie, that final scene were Frodo, Gandalf, and the elves leave Middle Earth to go to Elf Heaven (or whatever the hell it is) is absolute cinematic perfection. As the boat disappears into the vanilla sky, you can't help but recognize you're not only saying good-bye to some of the most beloved characters in literature (and Frodo) but also the single greatest cinematic fantasy epic known to man, elves, or dwarves.

Why It's Awesome: A midget and his gay lover topple the Lord of Darkness. Is there a better underdog story in literature or cinema (besides Rocky)?

Best Quote:

Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you, you bitch!

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

If Frodo is the lamest, weakest protagonist in literature, Sauron matches his lameness as the main antagonist. Saruman does all the heavy lifting in the first two movies until his defeat at the end of the second film of the trilogy while Sauron does nothing but LOOK AT STUFF! He never even regains physical form. The most evil thing he actually does throughout all three movies is blink.

The story splits into three narratives here. There's the Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent, The Frodo/Sam/Gollum tangent, and then the main action involves the trio of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli trying to defend Rohan from Saruman's Urak-hai army.

The Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent is boring as shit until the trees get all pissed off and kick the holy hell out of Saruman and Isengard, which Saruman in all his infinite wisdom left totally unguarded. The tangent does develop the theme of nature vs. industry that is prevalent throughout the trilogy. Tolkien served in the first World War, the last war where horses were used and the tank made its debut in warfare. It's obvious which side of the argument he was on. While the ogres make use of the fires of industry to fuel their war machine, Treebeard and his Ent army come and stomp all over it using wood and water.

The most exciting tangent is Isengard's invasion of Rohan that culminates in the Battle of Helm's Deep. Best name in the entire series: Grima Wormtongue. Man is that guy creepy! The movie is all about the final Battle of Helm's Deep, a battle that is fairly insignificant in the novel, but it's the main event of the second film. It's siege warfare at its finest with the humans barricaded behind the walls of Helm's Deep while tens of thousands of Urak-hai attempt to destroy the human population. Really the huge disadvantage the humans have in terms of numbers doesn't seem to matter because Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli seem to be in GOD MODE. Do these guys even get a scratch? Anyways, it's still badass. Only nine total humans survive until Gandalf miraculously returns to save the day.

The final tangent involves the bromance of Frodo and Sam being invaded by the walking baby fetus, Gollum. Wow. How great a job does Andy Serkis do in this? How was he not nominated for an Oscar? Of course, this is the WORST story tangent. Frodo succeeds at doing exactly one thing in this movie: getting captured. Man does he suck. It is entertaining to watch the Sam/Gollum rivalry escalate as they battle for Frodo's affection. So gay...

Storyline-wise, this is the worst of the trio, but action-wise, it's easily the best. It sends Saruman packing and sets up the final War of the Ring as Frodo stumbles and whines his way toward Mt. Doom.

Why It's Awesome:

How satisfying is it to watch TREES kick someone's ass? Almost as satisfying as watching Aragorn and Gimli dive off a ladder into THOUSANDS of Urak-hai and survive. God Mode engaged!

Best Quote (the now legendary):

Gollum: My precious...

The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Here's some advice: if you have something really, really important that needs to get done, don't put the weakest, lamest, and overall most pathetic member of your posse in charge of doing it.

The Lord of the Rings represents the ultimate road trip AND underdog story ever told. It was often considered one of those unfilmable stories because of its epic stature and scope, but Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting Tolkien's trilogy into three quality films. Are they perfect reflections of the books? No, but they shouldn't be. Books and movies are two different beasts. Just watch Hunger Games if you want to see what happens when a movie tries to be a direct reflection of its source material (hint: it sucks).

The Fellowship is my least favorite of the trilogy, but it's still an excellent movie. The main problem with the first installment is that there's just too damn much exposition required to even get the story rolling. Really, the story doesn't start until the fellowship is formed in Rivendell and that doesn't happen until an hour and a half into the extended version! Not only do we need to know the history of The One Ring, but we also need a synopsis of the events from The Hobbit before we can step foot outside the Shire. That's a ton of bullshit.

Although the large battle scenes are reserved for the latter two films, there are still some truly legendary action set pieces in The Fellowship. The whole Moria sequence is amazing with the battle against the cave troll and then the escape from the badass Balrog. And even though you know Gandalf is going to show up later, that moment when he scrambles to get back up on the bridge, accepts his fate, says, "Fly, you fools!" and then falls into the abyss packs an emotional punch especially with the music and the slow motion and the acting...all house.

When you take a look at the actual Fellowship, it's a hodge-podge of awesomeness with one minor exception:

Gandalf: wizard badass
Aragorn: Ranger badass
Boromir: slightly-misguided badass
Legolas: elven badass
Gimli: dwarven badass
Sam: most loyal mother fucker in the Shire
Merry and Pippin: humorous gay hobbit couple
Frodo: whiny douche

And out of the nine (five of which could fit into a child's car seat), who do they entrust the ring to? THE WHINY DOUCHE! Frodo is the WORST member of the Fellowship! During the course of the first movie, he gets skewered TWICE (once by the cave troll and the other by the Witch King), gets infected by Nazgul AIDS, has to get rescued by Liv Tyler (shameful...), and then ABANDONS the entire group. HE SUCKS!

And don't tell me he's the only one who won't become corrupted by The Ring because guess what? HE DOES! All they had to do was shove The Ring into an envelop, hand it to Gandalf or Aragorn, and have them truck it to Mt. Doom. Gandalf isn't effected by The Ring when it's in the envelop earlier in the movie so the whole "whiny douche" hurdle could have been avoided.

Of course, then we wouldn't have two more movies to enjoy and 47 more hours of Middle Earth drama to enjoy. ONWARD!

Why It's Awesome:

My favorite member of The Fellowship is Boromir (the only member NOT to make it through the first movie). The only thing that eases my pain at Boromir's loss is that he goes out LIKE A BOSS! Three arrows in him and he still kicks Uruk-hai ass. That's hardcore.

Best Quote:

Saruman:Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man-flesh. 

Saruman:

Bernie (2011)

I always enjoy a movie that surprises me...pleasantly.

The mockumentary, Bernie, was a surprisingly enjoyable movie. I wasn't sure what to expect going in, but it was both interesting and entertaining. Certainly we all know Jack Black's usual zany hijinks, but he was absolutely perfect in this role with more homosexuality and less zane. The whole thing is based on the true story of Bernie Tiede, a popular and obviously homosexual mortician, who befriends a wealthy, bitchy widow who he ends up murdering after tiring of her bullshit. He goes on trial, but he's so beloved by the townspeople that they push for his release...even though he's guilty as hell.

The cast is small but fantastic. Jack Black is great in the lead - sympathetic with a hint of sleaze. Then you have Shirley MacLaine coming out of retirement to play the bitchiest bitch of all film bitches. I wanted to kill that bitch way before Bernie finally pulled the trigger. Then you've got the always excellent Matthew McConaughey playing a southern lawyer...he's hilarious. The best part of this movie, though, is that members of the actual town where Bernie lived have talking head roles in the movie. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey's mom is in the movie, too. How do you beat that?

The movie is basically a documentary with reenactments of the larger events of the drama being performed by the actual actors. The movie is an exploration of morality and how perhaps one immoral act shouldn't tarnish a person's lifetime of kindness. Of course, the law is more than happy to judge a person based on a single act which is probably why Bernie is serving a life sentence instead of gaying it up all over Texas.

In conclusion, this is one of those movies that a cinephile has to watch every once in a while. In the midst of all the blockbusters and CGI liquid dumps, every now and then you simply need to watch a movie that is subtle and tells a human tale to remind you what it's like to be a human being on planet Earth. That's Bernie.

Why It's Surprisingly Awesome:

Jack Black is in a movie that isn't stupidly funny. That's pretty awesome right there.

Best Quote:

Crazy Church Lady: I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.

30 Days of Night (2007)

In honor of the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part II, the movie franchise that ruined vampire movies and turned one of cinema's most terrifying creatures into pussified pansies, I'm reviewing one of the few films in the past decade to portray vampires at the truly badass creatures of the night they are meant to be...30 Days of Night!

Based on the graphic novel, the premise for the movie is brilliant. Vampires invade Borrow, Alaska during the month the town will be without sun for a 30-day all-you-can-eat buffet. So not only does this movie have the usual horror movie thrills , but it also has a groovy Ann Frank vibe to it as the survivors try to outlast the horde of vampires for 30 days.

Oh, and the vampires? They are BADASS! These mother fuckers aren't glittering in the sunlight like a bunch of pansies. No, these are straight-up predators. Fuck fangs! These vampires have a mouth full of shark teeth! Do they have to ask permission to enter your house? Nah. They'll just break in, murder your entire family, and skewer you with a hot fireplace poker. They're constantly covered in blood and they hunt in packs and leap on people like rapid wolves and tear out people's throats and speak gibberish that no one understands! It's awesome!

The vampires are so hardcore I can even overlook the fact that Josh "Pearl Harbor" Hartnett is the lead. Most of the cast is nothing but blood donors, but they're serviceable. The movie is dark and avoids many of the usual horror movie cliches. The violence is brutal and bloody, there are no funny quips or one-liners, and the movie relies more on atmosphere than cheap scares. Oh, and it also wins an award for refusing to cut away during an axe decapitation. They straight up show that shit.

And the ending? It's right up there with The Mist as one of the top endings of the oughts. Here's the scenario: Josh Hartnett's estranged wife and some kid who shows up out of nowhere are trapped under a car while the entire town burns all around them and the vampires celebrate their total ass rapage of the town. They're either going to burn to death or get their asses drained of blood...unless Pearl Harbor boy does something. So he actually INFECTS HIMSELF WITH VAMPIRE BLOOD so he can fight the head vamp, Marlow, all jacked up on vampire blood. So Josh and Marlow duke it out until Josh PUNCHES THROUGH THE DUDE'S SKULL! So awesome. Then the final scene of the movie is Josh's face burning off as the sun rises on the horizon.

Now that's how you end a fucking movie!

Why It's Awesome:

This is what vampires should be: brutal, blood-thirsty, and obviously Eastern European. FUCK TWILIGHT!

Best Quote:

Marlow: When man meets a force he can't destroy, he destroys himself. What a plague you are.

The Expendables (2010)

Here's the greatest premise for a movie ever: stick every kick-ass action star in a single movie and have them kill things.

DONE.

As a fan of uber-ridiculous action flicks of the 80s and 90s, The Expendables served as the perfect escape from lame modern action abortions littered with CGI bullshit...or basically anything directed by Michael Bay. Leave it to Sly Stallone to assemble the greatest line-up of action stars in a single movie (sans the sequel). The Expendables would totally slice through The Avengers or The Justice League easier than Arnold throwing a pipe through some pussy wearing chain mail.

And the names of these guys? The character names in this movie make Shakespeare look like Katy Perry song lyrics:

Jason Statham = Lee Christmas
Jet Li = Yin Yang (racist)
Dolph Lundgren = Gunnar Jensen
Randy Couture = Toll Road (what?)
Terry Crews = Hale Caesar (clever...)
Steve Austin = Paine (they just gave up)

The plot of the movie is pointless and awesome. Sly falls for some chick who is trying to save her small island country from her corrupt dictator father and a rogue CIA agent. So he and the rest of the badass crew travel to the island, spend a half hour planting plastic explosives at the capital, get the chick's father killed, blow up most of the island, and murder half of the entire country's population.

You're welcome, bitch.

It's a good thing this movie kicks ass and features showdowns between Jet Li vs. Ivan Drago and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Rambo because there are certain parts that simply don't make any sense. There's the totally pointless love story between Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter, who, although hot, does not get naked and serves no logical purpose in the film. There's the pointless story tangent of Jet Li complaining about needing more money. For what? Who knows...

But the BEST and LEAST LOGICAL part of the movie is the fact that Ivan Drago betrays the rest of the team, tries to murder Jet Li, and then gets shot in the heart by Rocky Balboa. Not only does Ivan Drago survive the bullet to the heart, but then Sly and the gang FORGIVE HIM at the end. Does it make sense? No. But who gives a shit? Five guys defeat an entire country so let's not think about this too hard.

Oh, and the biggest badass in the entire movie?

Terry Crews' automatic shotgun/grenade launcher.

Why It's Awesome: Do I even need to explain how hard I jizzed in my pants when Sly, Arnold, and Bruce Willis all crammed their steroid-riddled bodies onto a single screen? If an explanation is necessary, the answer is HARD! I jizzed hard.

Best Quote:

Church (talking to Arnold and Sly): You two aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are ya?

Taken (2008)

Liam Neeson bleeds semen.

There is no greater badass in the New Millennium than Liam Neeson. Want proof? This is the man who trained Batman AND Obi-Wan Kenobi, discovered Darth Vader, single-handedly murdered an entire pack of wolves, led the A-Team, killed the Titans, returned from the dead as a Jesus lion, and saved over a thousand Jews!

So why, in the holy hell, would anyone dare kidnap the man's daughter? Don't they know he has a particular set of skills that make him a nightmare for Albanians who turn spoiled rich brats into crack whores?

In this ultimate badass outing, Neeson plays Brian Mills, an ex-CIA badass whose annoying teenage daughter (who he had with The Phoenix from X-Men) gets TAKEN by a group of Albanian human traffickers ten minutes after she lands in Paris on a trip to follow U2 on their European tour (serves her right for liking U2). So Neeson has to travel to Paris and kill half the population of Albany (where I assume Albanians are from) in order to save his daughter and her precious hymen.

There are so many straight-up badass-like-a-boss scenes in this movie I don't even know where to begin!

The most badass of these features Neeson walking into the den of the kidnappers in the guise of a corrupt French police official (is there any other kind?). As he's walking through the house, he's looking at each Albanian he passes like "I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, you're dead, gonna throw a knife into your chest..." and so forth and then he straight up murders everyone in the house.

Then the most like-a-boss scene involves Neeson going to this French dude's house for information. Instead of just asking politely like a normal man he invites himself over for dinner and shoots the dude's totally innocent wife and threatens to slaughter their children while they sleep unless Frenchie tells him what he wants to know. Now THAT'S a badass, my friends!

The next time someone borrows a pen from me and forgets to return it I'm hiring Liam Neeson to get it back...HARD!

Why It's Awesome:

There's a sequel coming out in October called Taken 2: Tooken where more Albanians show up and TAKE Neeson's wife and then they try to TAKE Neeson! What?! Didn't these people watch the first movie? Didn't they see what happened when someone took the thing that came out of his wife's vagina? Now someone is going to take the vagina?! Shit is gonna get FUCKED UP!

Best Quote:

Mills: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

The 2012 summer movie season is well upon us with Hollywood blockbusters being shoved down our throats faster than a fat guy inhaling crab legs at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Looking back at last summer's movie buffet, the best movie of the crap paraded out was surprisingly, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which was a surprise considering how much it had working against it:

1) It's a remake and a reboot (which are almost exclusively craptactular)
2) It relies heavily on CGI
3) Its main human star is James Franco

But it takes all those items that should have been detriments and turns them into positives. Yes, it's a reboot, but the story focuses on in-depth character development (of a genetically-mutated ape, no less) and ties into the original series with subtle allusions that never detract from the movie's story or pound us over the head screaming, "THIS IS A PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE!"

All the apes are CGI, which would usually be an instant boner-killer for me, but this is the kind of movie that couldn't be made without CGI. Humans in costumes would look silly and there's no way you could get actual apes to express the kinds of complex emotions and intelligent thought that Caesar is capable of. Plus this is one of those rare occasions where puppets are not the best way to go. The CGI certainly doesn't look perfect (it never does) but the story is good enough that you get lost in it and don't care, which is how it should be.

Yes, James Franco does star in the movie, but he's certainly not the movie's main character. In fact, Franco, mercifully, appears in the latter half of the film only sparingly (he's awful in this by the way). No, top billing goes to Andy Serkis, who portrays (through motion-capture tech) Caesar, the revolutionary monkey, and, in doing so, makes this the first live-action film to focus on a CGI main character. Caesar is more sympathetic and interesting than any human character in any film I saw last year. How Serkis does not have an Oscar is beyond me. He should have one for playing Gollum and he should have at least been nominated here as well.

It's the writing that really makes this the best movie of last summer. The rise of the apes parallels the rise of the slaves in the south and you want them to be victorious over the humans. You feel bad for them and the humans come across as real assholes. The movie does an excellent job of explaining how apes can defeat humans who are armed with guns and set in motion the events that will eventually lead to apes becoming the dominant species on the planet.

The only flaw is the ending in which James Franco does not die, thus making it possible for him to reappear in the unavoidable sequel. Damn you, stinking dirty James Franco! Damn you!

Why It's Awesome: This movie stands as proof that CGI does not a good movie make (Did you hear that George Lucas?). The basis of film has always been and will always be storytelling and filmmakers need to accept that fact that CGI is meant to enhance a story, not replace it.

Best Quote:

Dodge Landon: (channeling Charlton Heston) Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!