Once Bitten (1985)

This movie is pure 80s heroin. This movie is so 80s it'll make you perm your hair, break out your Walkman, and listen to some WHAM!

Besides the pure 80s awesomeness of this movie, its modern appeal is that it's one of Jim Carrey's first starring roles and he plays a virgin AND a vampire...not a typical combo but it's the 80s so ANYTHING GOES! This is your typical 80s low-budget comedy where a bunch of teenagers go on a quest to get laid (sound familiar?). Their quest takes a supernatural twist when they travel to Hollywood (where there's a woman walking a LION on a leash) and run into a hot female vampire who needs to drink the blood of virgins in order to stay young. Hilarity ensues.

Let's do the TOTALLY RADICAL 80S CHECKLIST:

1) Cheesy 80s theme song...CHECK! (Youtube Once Bitten...it's as good as jumping in a Delorean and traveling back to 1985. Everyone in the band, men and women, have hardcore mullets!)

2) Random, nonsensical dance scene where all the extras clear the dance floor and the main characters dance a perfectly choreographed dance number...CHECK! (I've included the Youtube video of the scene below. My favorite part is when Carrey plays his leg like a guitar!)

3) A heroin-thin hot chick with pancake-flat titties...CHECK!

4) Horny sidekicks who spout an endless supply of one-liners...CHECK! ("There's too much pressure about getting laid. It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.")

5) A total lack of black people in places there should obviously be black people...CHECK! (No blacks in Hollywood...hmm...)

6) Insensitive gay jokes that would never fly in today's PC world...CHECK! ("Fag attack! There's a bunch of fags in the shower!")

In addition to all the 80s awesomeness, this movie also serves as a great reminder of a time when Jim Carrey was actually funny. All his trademark moves are there: the T-rex walk, the orangutan walk, the De Niro impression, the reckless falling down, the crazy facials...they're all there to remind us of a magical time when movies like Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man never, ever existed. Watch it!

Why It's Radical: If nothing else, it kicks the shit out of Twilight. This one absolutely reeks of the 80s and it's fun to see Jim Carrey when he was still trying to be funny and succeeding.

Best Quote:

Jamie: This is horrible. This is the suckiest thing ever. The whole school thinks we're...GAY!
Russ: No one's going to think we're gay.
Jamie: This is it. We might as well move in together and buy his and his towels.

Man in the Moon (1999)

We go from Jim Carrey speaking with his ass to Jim Carrey in a role that SHOULD have won him an Academy Award. Unfortunately for Jim Carrey, if he didn't win it for Man in the Moon, he's not going to...unless he makes Ace Ventura III with a Vengeance.

Andy Kaufman was the greatest entertainer in the history of mankind. He was a real life wrestling villain who had no idea how to separate real life from the world of entertainment. He was in business to entertain one person: himself. He never feared pissing off the audience or embarassing himself. That kind of courage is rare in this world and the fact that he succeeded in the entertainment industry is even more amazing. There will NEVER be another entertainer like him again.

His best creation, Tony Clifton, is one of the greatest creative characters ever, pure and unadulterated asshole. Unfortunately, if you watch the old videos of Andy Kaufman performing Tony Clifton, I think Jim Carrey does a better job of portraying Tony Clifton than Kaufman ever did. Seriously, there is no one else who cold have played this part. It's similar to Jamie Fox playing Ray Charles; Jim Carrey was simply born to play Andy Kaufman. Apparently Carrey loved Kaufman growing up and the love shows in the performance.

Whenever a bio pic comes out, the question is always how accurate and true to real life did the movie remain? To be honest, I could care less how much of the movie is accurate. Most of Andy's infamous stunts (although I would have loved to see the performance where he laid in a sleeping bag for ten minutes motionless) are represented in the movie and are well-documented, but as far as the real-life Kaufman is concerned, perhaps it's best we never know.

Why It's Awesome: There are so few interesting entertainers anymore. They're all cookie-cutter celebrities with the same PC persona...it truly makes me sick. Andy was anything but PC.

Best Quote:

Andy (as Foreign Man): I am from Caspier, an Island in the Caspian Sea...it sunk.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

This movie came out in the mid-90's amidst a slew of other quality comedies like Billy Madison and Tommy Boy that centered around what I like to think was juvenile or idiot humor...and you know what? It's still funny today, nearly 20 years later.

Unfortunately, this movie was so popular that it sprouted millions of tools who had to say stupid shit like, "Alrighty then!" and "Looooser!" non-stop and it actually made you think the movie and Jim Carrey's character was annoying when it was really only these unimaginative tools who were annoying (Same thing happened to Austin Powers). I actually had a friend named "Jim Curry" in high school who looked like Jim Carrey and he, of course, spouted these ridiculous catchphrases as his own...it's no wonder everyone hated that kid.

This movie was almost painful to watch because it was so funny. Why can't they make funny movies like this anymore? The main character is hilarious, the plot is a perfect vehicle to highlight the main character's strengths, and it's just a fucking funny movie. It also made me realize that Jim Carrey should get back into comedy (actual comedy that's funny instead of the recent garbage he's been in like Yes Man and Dick and Jane). I realize that cocaine had a lot to do with his performance, but, if that's what it takes to get him back to form, I'll gladly let him do a line off my ass.

Ace Ventura is just more proof that movies "back in the day" were so much better than they are today and that comedies and comedians in the 90s were way funnier than they are in the 2K era. Jim Carrey 2k11 = not funny. Adam Sandler 2k11 = NOT FUCKING FUNNY. Chris Farley 2k11 = dead. Even Will Ferrell is slowly drifting into the category 0f "not funny anymore." What happened?

Oh well. This movie is the reason Jim Carrey can make all those shitty movies he makes today and is paid millions of dollars to star in garbage. Let's appreciate the funny he once was instead of mourn the insane, depressed, overpaid actor he is today. "AAAAAAAAALL RIGHTY THEN!"

Why It's Awesome: A one man comedy machine is unleashed on the world with Gumby-like limbs, weird hair, a dozen catch-phrases, and a tendancy to speak with his ass. Now THAT'S comedy, my friends.

Best Quote:

Ace: Like a glove! (I still say this every time I squeeze into a parking space that is way too small for my car. I know, I know, I just got done talking about people quoting this movie, but it's a few decades old. Now it's fair game).

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

When you talk about the greatest comedies of the 90's, Dumb and Dumber has to be part of the conversation, if not the horse to beat. It set the bar for wacky, slapstick comedies starring idiots that would follow such as Tommy Boy and There's Something About Mary. Basically all they did was make Homer Simpson a real person, duplicate him, and make an hour and a half movie about them...genius.

I don't know anyone who is worth anything who doesn't know a Dumb and Dumber quote. Let me hit you with a few:

- "We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

- "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

- "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!"

- "Just when I thought you could possibly do anything dumber, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

This is another one of those movies that they play on TBS every fucking weekend so these quotes have become ingrained in people's heads. My college roommate loved this movie so much and had seen it so many times that he would get drunk and then recite the movie, line for line from beginning to end and not only that, but he would SING THE LYRICS TO THE TRANSITION SONGS BETWEEN SONGS. Now that is fucking impressive...and also a little sad.

The entire movie is hilarious from beginning to end and it possesses just enough plot to keep the whole thing moving along. No other actor could be Lloyd Christmas and Jeff Daniels is the perfect compliment to the facial expressions. Watch the movie and laugh your ass off!

Why It's Awesome: Two idiots on a cross-country trip with a suitcase full of money and riding on a gas-powered moped...genius in an idiotic sort of way.

Most Irreverent and Pointless Yet Still Hilarious Quote:

Lloyd: Hey guy! Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? (pause) Welp...see ya later!