Ode to Biff Tannen

Oh Biff Tannen...what a bully you are. Let me count the ways...

Biff Tannen practically invented bullying. Had all these anti-bullying programs existed in 1955, Biff Tannen would have taken Hill Valley High School's anti-bullying program and given it a wedgie and then dunked its head in the toilet. In fact, now that I think about it...

Biff Tannen decides whether or not your school's anti-bullying program is allowed in the diner...

Biff Tannen will attempt to run down your school's anti-bullying program with his car. He doesn't give a SHIT about charges for vehicular homicide...

Biff Tannen will take your anti-bullying program's kickball and throw it on the roof of someone's house...just for shits and gigs...

Biff Tannen will attempt to rape your anti-bullying program's date on the night of the prom...

Biff Tannen's flunkies - Match, Skinhead, and 3D - will lock your anti-bullying program in the trunk of a reefer addict's car while said rape occurs...

Biff Tannen wants to know what your anti-bullying program is looking at...BUTTHEAD!

Biff Tannen will straight up murder your anti-bullying program just so he can marry its wife and force her to get breast implants...

Biff Tannen wants your anti-bullying program to make like a tree...and get the hell out of here!

The only hope your anti-bullying program has if its got some manure handy. Biff Tannen HATES manure.

Superman hates kryptonite.

Indiana Jones hates snakes.

Biff Tannen hates manure.

Respect to the greatest bully in cinematic history. All hail BIFF TANNEN!

Back to the Future Part III (1990)

Marty's time-traveling adventures come to an end in Back to the Future Part III. The third movie in a trilogy is always tough to critique because you not only have to judge the movie by itself, but you must also judge it based on the context of the entire series. So here goes...

Is it a good movie? Yes.
Is it as good as the first one? Not even close.
Is it better than its hot mess predecessor? Absolutely.
Is it a fitting end to the trilogy? Eh...

The Old West setting never really did it for me. It relied too much on fish-out-of-water humor and I realize all the movies are based on that sort of humor, but there's a big difference between the 30-year leap and the 100-year leap. It seems too gimmicky. Plus, Marty has no real connection to the time period. In 1955, there was a problem with his parents. In 2015, there was a problem with his children. Sure he has relatives back in 1885, but they're not the ones who need assistance.

The real problem with the third film is that the focus shifts from Marty to Doc, and that can't happen in a trilogy. The trilogy should complete a three-movie character arc. Marty has nothing to do in this movie, and centering the plot around Doc's love interest is just sappy, lazy storytelling. I don't give a shit about Doc getting laid! Travel in time, bitches!

The other issue is that there's a simple solution to their dilemma that makes the whole train hijacking unnecessary. There are two DeLoreans in 1885, the one Marty traveled back in and the DeLorean hidden in the mine. Marty and Doc can't travel back to the future because Marty punctured the gas tank. Easy fix: syphon the gas from the mineshaft DeLorean into the other DeLorean...problem solved. They can't use the mineshaft DeLorean to time travel because Marty needs that to travel back to 1885 in the first place, but he doesn't need it to have a full tank of gas when he gets it. Booya! I just bitch-slapped Doc Brown...with my mind!

Admitted, the train hijacking scene is fairly badass, but the ending with Doc showing back up in 1985 in a flying time-traveling train is fucking STUPID! He just spent the entire trilogy whining about how dangerous it is to mess with the timeline and how he wanted to destroy the time machine to avoid causing further damage and he breaks those rules to give Marty a FUCKING PHOTOGRAPH! DUMB!

In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...BIFF TANNEN, BITCHES!

Why It's Passable: The Clint Eastwood stuff is pretty funny and the train climax is pretty cool, but I've got a better ending. Mad Dog Tannen finds the time machine in the mine and uses it travel into the future to team up with Biff and Griff Tannen to form the most evil alliance known to mankind. Obviously they turn the entire world into a giant casino and make breast implants mandatory...BUTTHEAD!

Best Quote:

Doc: And in the future, we don't need horses. We have motorized carriages called automobiles.
Drunk: If everybody's got one of these auto-whatsits, does anybody walk or run anymore?
Doc: Of course we run. But for recreation. For fun.
Drunk: Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?

Back to the Future Part II (1989)

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads."

And so ends one of, if not THE, greatest 80s movie of all-time and so begins a hot mess of a sequel.

Really the sequel is three movies in one (2015 future, Paradox 1985, Return to 1955) and we'll look at all three separately. No matter which time period Marty stumbles into, one thing is constant: Biff Tannen is a total BADASS!

THE FUTURE (2015)

Everything about Marty and Doc's visit to the future is dumb. If not for the hoverboard, this would be a total loss. First of all, the reason for going there is stupid. If Doc is so worried about interfering in future events, why would he bring Marty and Jennifer into the FUTURE to INTERFERE with FUTURE EVENTS? And why bring them into the future at all? Why not just tell Marty not to race a Rolls Royce in the future and avoid the whole damn thing? I also love how they leave Jennifer unconscious in an alley. Apparently there are no rapists in the future (unlike 1955 where EVERYONE is a rapist).

Since this movie takes place in the year 2015 and we're just three years away, let's see how close the two Bobs came to accurately predicting the future:

Hover Cars...UNCHECK!
Stupid 3D movies of ridiculous sequels...CHECK!
Weather control...UNCHECK!
Stupid fashion...CHECK!
Cars run on garbage...UNCHECK!
Teens obsessed with technology...CHECK!
Self-lacing shoes...ummm, that one's tough because they do exist but only because of this movie

PARADOX (1985)

If the future is lame, Paradox 1985 makes up for it in shear and unadulterated AWESOMENESS! This is the world according to Biff. I don't know what Marty gets so upset about (besides the death of his father) because Paradox 1985 is a BIFFTOPIA! Public education has been done away with (it was failing anyways), the economy is thriving with the state raking in heaps of money from Biff's casino, and the women in Paradox 1985 have WAY bigger boobs than in regular 1985.

RETURN TO 1955

As stupid and full of plot holes as this movie is, credit the Bobs for one of the smartest moves in cinematic history. They knew their movie was lame so they said, "Hey! Why don't we just send the characters back into the movie we already know kicks ass?!" And thus Marty and Doc traveled back to Back to the Future and further reminded us why that movie was great and this movie is no better than Jaws 19.

In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...God bless America!

It's Saving Grace: If it weren't for the Biff Tannen taking his villainy to ludicrous levels, this movie would plummet into the depths of craptitude. During the sequel, he adds homicide, illegal time immigration, gambling fraud, spousal abuse, another attempted vehicular homicide, and misdemeanor perversion to his rap sheet.

Best Quote:

Young Biff: Why don't you make like a tree...and get out of here?
Old Biff: It's leave, you idiot! Make like a tree and leave. You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong!

Back to the Future (1985)

Hello? McFly!

If there is such a thing as a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. Back to the Future is a perfect sci-fi/adventure/incestual film. It’s certainly not the best trilogy ever (the Wild West, my ass!), but the original is easily the pinnacle of 80s commercial cinema. Hell, Huey of Huey Lewis and the News provides the soundtrack AND makes a cameo. How much more 80s can you get?!

But what people don’t realize is that this movie is one gigawatt away from being a pretty dark movie.

First of all, the story is brilliant: a teenager travels back in time and interferes with his parents’ first meeting, thus endangering his own existence. Perfect.

The cast is inspired.

Michael J. Fox – Cast a four foot tall man as your lead and you’ve got an instant underdog
Christopher Lloyd – Could anyone else have come off even half as coked up as Lloyd’s Doc Brown?
Crispin Glover – The man has not aged or decreased in awesomeness in thirty years. He is frozen…IN TIME!
Lea Thompson – She spent the 80s banging her son and a duck. Even if she were my mother, I would bang her…and thus become my own father! Mind fuck!
BIFF TANNEN – One of the most underrated villains in cinema…BUTTHEAD!

Now let’s take this PG classic to a dark place…

There are two attempted homicides and three documented cases of rape throughout the course of this film.

The first attempted homicide is the most obvious when the evil stereotyped middle-eastern terrorists from Libya gun down Doc Brown in front of the JC Penny. Don’t fuck with Libya, Doc Brown!

The thing that viewers always underplay is the fact that Biff Tannen tries to straight up MURDER Marty McFly (and this is just the first homicide of several throughout the trilogy). The fact is that Biff Tannen is a badass. If you trip him or enter the diner without his permission, he will straight-up try to run your ass over with his car or rape your prom date. That’s how Biff Tannen rolls!

The plethora of attempted and implied rape scenes in this movie is disturbing.

Rape #1: When Marty’s in the past and wakes up in his mother’s home after being struck by the car, he’s not wearing any pants. We can only assume Loraine, his own mother, fondled Little Marty while he lay passed out in her bed (Is the flux capacitor what makes time travel possible or a sexual position?). Sorry, Marty, you were raped by your own mother.

Rape #2: Marty tries to return the favor and attempts to convince his mother to bang his father by “pretending” to rape her (or perhaps rape her just a little?) before his father intervenes. Of course this doesn’t pan out due to…

Rape #3: Biff Tannen interrupts Marty’s rape attempt and counters it with one of his own, adding to his earlier offense of attempted murder. By the end of the trilogy, Biff Tannen will prove that he is history’s greatest badass by creating a rap sheet that would put Al Capone to shame.

Next week we’ll be moving along the timeline to Part II of the trilogy. Until then, make like a tree…AND GET OUT OF HERE!

Why It’s Awesome: Great Scott! Where to begin? A time traveling DeLorean? Trying to play matchmaker for your own parents to ensure your existence? A guy who wears 3D glasses everywhere despite the fact everything in real life is already in 3D? Yeah, it’s pretty damn good.

Best Quote:
Doc Brown: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit.