Fight Club (1999)

Every cinephile has a favorite movie. Fight Club is mine.

I read Chuck Palahnuk's novel after watching the movie, expecting the novel to blow the movie out of the water. You know what? It didn't. It's one of the few movies that completely dominates the book. That's something special right there.

The first rule of fight club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club...

A lot of people (n00bs, mostly) believe Fight Club is an action movie; these people couldn't be further from the truth. Fight Club is a philosophical movie; it SAYS something. There aren't too many movies that say something meaningful. American Beauty says something, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind says something, but no movie better critiques the 20th Century than Fight Club.

A lot of people don't get Fight Club. The entire movie is a statement on the over-civilization of modern man. The basic instincts of the modern male are useless in our modern society where life is easy and survival all but guaranteed. Man no longer finds the need to challenge himself. Once upon a time there were tigers to eat us and rival clans to fight for land, food, and women. Those things defined us as males. Now we're defined by the tag on the clothes we wear, the kind of car we drive, or how large our flat-screen televisions are.

The things you own, end up owning you...

We've been transformed from warriors into consumers, buyers of things. Previous generations had wars to fight, depressions to overcome. What does this generation have to overcome? Finding the perfect bed skirting for our bedroom in our perfect, little townhome? Having a wife whose ass looks less fat than all our friends' wives? Our own mediocrity?

We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world...

That's why Fight Club is a great movie - my favorite. This is the opposite of The Avengers. This movie is not a t-shirt. This movie is not a lunchbox or an action figure or a spin-off television show. This movie is an idea, a philosophy, a reflection of our society at the end of the century. This movie explains why young men walk into movie theaters and elementary schools with guns and shoot up the place. When you create a hollow country with no soul based solely on buying shit, we can't be surprised when people treat human beings like "things."

Now that's a fucking movie...

Why It's Awesome: If nothing else, it's one of the few movies that is better than the book...but it's so, so much more. In Tyler we trust.

Best Quote:

Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

What can one say about one of the greatest films ever made?

The opening scene with Indy and Dr. Octopus traversing the booby-trapped cave in their attempt to retrieve the golden idol alone is better than most feature-length films. Then you've got the market place stunt-palooza, the Well of Souls sequence, the fist fight with the German around the spinning airplane, the Jeep chase, and the best claymation-exploding-head sequence ever filmed!

Instead of pointing out the awesomeness of everything that is so obviously awesome, I'd rather discuss what makes Indiana Jones the single greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!). Check that. What I really want to talk about is why Indiana Jones makes all modern film heroes look like total pussies.

First of all, Indiana Jones is a man. That sounds simplistic, but there's a big difference between an 80s film man and an oughts film man. Indiana Jones liked to do two things: fight and fuck (not particularly in that order). The problem with modern film heroes is that now they have to be all deep or emotionally-damaged or suffer from some haunted past, but all it does is make them come across as emo bitch boys.

The only emotion a true man should ever feel is horniness.

This bitch boy movement is perfectly illustrated by comparing early James Bond (Sean Connery) to contemporary James Bond (Daniel Craig). Early James Bond was suave, he was witty, he could throw down, he had cool lasers and shit, and he was a walking hard-on. Modern James Bond is all brooding and dark and needs a shitload of therapy. I don't care if he's more like the character in the book or more "fully realized." I don't need him to be "fully realized" to enjoy watching him kick ass for an hour-and-a-half (See also modern Batman).

Next, Indiana Jones is many things, but one thing he is not is an asshole. Modern heroes are huge douchebags. Take Tony Stark of Iron Man fame. Stark comes across as a total asshole, but he's funny so people like him. Why do people like assholes?

Jones and Bond, like Stark, are both confident womanizers, but they never come across as assholes. They're both guys who are going to get the job done by any means necessary and they're always fighting for some greater purpose, never for their own glorification. I think as society has become more self-centered and selfish, that idea of someone who fights for something larger than themselves has gone the way of the dodo...which is sad.

Finally, Indiana Jones has that Everyman quality to him that truly separates him from other heroes of the era. He's not as over-the-top as Arnold. Sure he fights the entire Nazi army by himself, but before he manages to claim the ark he's buried alive with snakes, beaten up by a Nazi twice his size, shot, thrown through a windshield, and dragged behind a moving vehicle at high speeds whereas Arnold kills people without even firing his gun (Commando, anyone?). Indiana Jones is just a normal guy who knows how to get the job done without his hat ever falling off!

The only thing Indiana Jones ever failed at was fathering Shia LaDouche.

BURN!

Leon: The Professional (1994)

There's a reason this movie is in my list of top 10 movies OF ALL TIME!!! This movie is also the reason I will have an eternal boner for Natalie Portman (Why couldn't that baby be mine?)

If you've never seen this movie, you must, absolutely MUST, see the International Cut of the film. This is an extended cut of the movie and includes super uncomfortable borderline pedophile scenes that were considered to be too edgy for American audiences since we're all a bunch of fucking pussies. Seriously, though, they add to the overall quality of the story and the movie in general. Basically the movie was originally intended to be an action version of the book, Lolita.

The plot of the movie goes like this: an emotionally damaged hitman takes in a young girl after her family is murdered by crooked DEA agents and he teaches her his trade as she seeks vengeance against her family's murderer. In the hands of a lesser director, this would have been just another POS mid-90's action flick with a father/daughter twist, but Luc Besson makes it something special. The French have only done a few things right in their history (French toast, French fries, French kissing...), but this movie is right up there with menage a trois!

If there's a single reason why this movie cracks EPIC status it's the three main leads. Jean Reno and Natalie Portman have perfect chemistry as the father/daughter team who might fuck each other. Reno totally nails the lead as the hitman who survives by following strict rules and 12-year-old Portman is absolutely masterful as the girl who forces Leon to break all those rules. There's a reason this bitch has an Oscar, ladies and gentlemen.

And then there's Gary Fuckin' Oldman. God, this guy's good. In one of the truly underrated bad guy performances of all time, Oldman straight up OWNS as Agent Stanfield, a drugged-up crooked cop who loves Beethoven and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty to get the job done. Talk about creepy! Fuck Commissioner Gordon! This is Oldman in his fucking prime and is easily one of my favorite performances ever (not quite Doc Holliday worthy but up there).

Why It's Awesome: Kick-ass performances and a movie that successfully centers around character relationships instead of relying solely on action...which it has in spades. Acting, plot, directing, and writing are all house on this one.

Best Quote:

Stansfield: It's always the same thing. It's when you start to really fear death that you truly appreciate life. Do you like life, sweetheart?

Mathilda: Yes.

Stansfield: That's good because I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person who doesn't care about it.

Back to the Future (1985)

Hello? McFly!

If there is such a thing as a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. Back to the Future is a perfect sci-fi/adventure/incestual film. It’s certainly not the best trilogy ever (the Wild West, my ass!), but the original is easily the pinnacle of 80s commercial cinema. Hell, Huey of Huey Lewis and the News provides the soundtrack AND makes a cameo. How much more 80s can you get?!

But what people don’t realize is that this movie is one gigawatt away from being a pretty dark movie.

First of all, the story is brilliant: a teenager travels back in time and interferes with his parents’ first meeting, thus endangering his own existence. Perfect.

The cast is inspired.

Michael J. Fox – Cast a four foot tall man as your lead and you’ve got an instant underdog
Christopher Lloyd – Could anyone else have come off even half as coked up as Lloyd’s Doc Brown?
Crispin Glover – The man has not aged or decreased in awesomeness in thirty years. He is frozen…IN TIME!
Lea Thompson – She spent the 80s banging her son and a duck. Even if she were my mother, I would bang her…and thus become my own father! Mind fuck!
BIFF TANNEN – One of the most underrated villains in cinema…BUTTHEAD!

Now let’s take this PG classic to a dark place…

There are two attempted homicides and three documented cases of rape throughout the course of this film.

The first attempted homicide is the most obvious when the evil stereotyped middle-eastern terrorists from Libya gun down Doc Brown in front of the JC Penny. Don’t fuck with Libya, Doc Brown!

The thing that viewers always underplay is the fact that Biff Tannen tries to straight up MURDER Marty McFly (and this is just the first homicide of several throughout the trilogy). The fact is that Biff Tannen is a badass. If you trip him or enter the diner without his permission, he will straight-up try to run your ass over with his car or rape your prom date. That’s how Biff Tannen rolls!

The plethora of attempted and implied rape scenes in this movie is disturbing.

Rape #1: When Marty’s in the past and wakes up in his mother’s home after being struck by the car, he’s not wearing any pants. We can only assume Loraine, his own mother, fondled Little Marty while he lay passed out in her bed (Is the flux capacitor what makes time travel possible or a sexual position?). Sorry, Marty, you were raped by your own mother.

Rape #2: Marty tries to return the favor and attempts to convince his mother to bang his father by “pretending” to rape her (or perhaps rape her just a little?) before his father intervenes. Of course this doesn’t pan out due to…

Rape #3: Biff Tannen interrupts Marty’s rape attempt and counters it with one of his own, adding to his earlier offense of attempted murder. By the end of the trilogy, Biff Tannen will prove that he is history’s greatest badass by creating a rap sheet that would put Al Capone to shame.

Next week we’ll be moving along the timeline to Part II of the trilogy. Until then, make like a tree…AND GET OUT OF HERE!

Why It’s Awesome: Great Scott! Where to begin? A time traveling DeLorean? Trying to play matchmaker for your own parents to ensure your existence? A guy who wears 3D glasses everywhere despite the fact everything in real life is already in 3D? Yeah, it’s pretty damn good.

Best Quote:
Doc Brown: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit.

Die Hard (1988)

Yippee-Ki-Yay...Father Christmas!

Most families gather around to watch Miracle on 34th Street or The Grinch during the holiday season, but those people are pussies! If you're hardcore for the holidays then you already know DIE HARD is not only the greatest non-traditional Christmas movie ever but the greatest...action movie...of ALL TIME!

There's not much to say about this film that hasn't been said for the past 20+ years. Its perfection lies in its simplicity. Take one average joe cop (John McClane is THE greatest everyman character in action), pit him against 13 badass terrorists/robbers (Alan Rickman practically perfects the slick and intelligent villain here), stick them all in a building in a battle royale and you have hardcore perfection.

And can we talk about the title here for a second? Die Hard? That is fuckin' awesome! You know exactly what you're getting into with a title like that. People are going to die, and, not only are they going to die, but they're going to die...HARD! No one's going to die quietly in their bed. No, people are going to get thrown off buildings and down stairwells, blown up with C4, and shot in the dick multiple times. Now that's dying HARD! This movie also has some of the best translations ever. In Hungarian, the title is Give Your Life Expensive and in Serbia it's called Die Manly...awesome...

Die Hard is the pinnacle of the 80s/90s action genre that officially died in 1999 when The Matrix blew up and we moved from everyman heroes to "super" heroes, a trend that still, unfortunately, continues to this day. Just for a comparison, Neo dodges bullets and kills a guy by entering inside of him and exploding out while John McClane runs across broken glass in his bare feet and kills a guy by throwing him down a flight of fucking stairs and snapping his neck. Now you tell me which one is more hardcore (and realistic)! All these heroes nowadays need super powers to stop the bad guys. All John McClane needed was a gun and a wifebeater! DEATH TO THE SUPER HERO GENRE!

But I digress. One last area where Die Hard succeeds above all others is the key area of the Carl Winslow factor. That's right, the dad from Family Matters is John's black cop buddy on the outside playing, essentially, Carl Winslow. Dealing with terrorists is probably a walk in the park compared to dealing with Steve Urkel on a daily basis. Did I do thaaaaat?

Why It's Awesome: It's scientifically proven to be the greatest action movie of all time. John McClane is one of the great icons of action with his funny witticisms after murdering people and Hans Gruber is one of the great villains in cinema. The skyscraper serves as the perfect backdrop for all the raw action that builds and builds and never lets up. They don't make action movies like this anymore.

Best Quote (Besides the obvious):

Hans Gruber: I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest - of - his life.

Groundhog Day (1993)

We've survived January's crapapalooza and can now move on to some quality films.

What better way to start than one of my top favorite movies OF ALL TIME. In honor of February 2, this week's movie is Groundhog Day, one of the great PHILosophical comedies in cinematic history.

I could spend this entire entry discussing the quality of the comedic aspects of the film or Murray's spot-on performance as a self-centered weatherman, or the ridiculous quotability factor of the film...but I'm not going to. Instead, I'd much rather talk about the philosophical questions raised by the premise. What would happen if a man was forced to live the same day over and over again for ten years?

The movie portrays the progression most human beings would undergo if they were in the same situation. First you'd be freaked, then you'd become a power-hungry, self-absorbed megalomaniac, then you'd think you were a god and become an immoral sociopath, murdering and stealing and raping at will (they don't cover that stage of the progression too in-depth in the film, then you'd grow tired of the whole thing and try to kill yourself, and finally you'd become a benevolent caretaker to all the inhabitants of your tiny universe/prison.

The final act, although not as entertaining as the second, is by far the most interesting from a philosophical standpoint. Although Phil seems to learn the importance of being kind to others, I think he is at his most immoral at the end of the film because he's come to believe that he is a god. He doesn't help the citizens of Puxatawny because he wants to help them, he helps them because he feels responsible for them. They exist in HIS world and it is his duty to ensure nothing bad happens to any of them. In reality, that last day when he assists nearly everyone in town is his MOST selfish act.

Man, a movie that creates this sort of philosophical conversation MUST be good. Watch it, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: Perhaps the deepest comedy of all time...and, from a screenwriter's point of view, one of the best written scripts of the 90's.

Best Quote:

Phil: Do I have to use the word 'poopie'?

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

How good is this fucking movie?

Not a huge financial success when it was first released in theaters, I think it's safe to say that Shawshank has become a cult classic with constant showings on cable television, but it's one of those movies that when it's on, you have to watch it. Based on a short story by Stephen King, it's currently rated #1 on IMdB on the top 250 - and, for once, I can't argue.

Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman are as good as it gets in this one. Robbins' low key, barely audiable performance is perfect for the stoic ex-banker turned convict. It's his "Doc Holiday role" in that he'll never be in anything as good for the rest of his career. Freeman is always pretty solid and he's extremely likable in this one as Red, Andy's best friend.

The entire movie is well written, but it's the ending that seals the deal on this one. This ending is right up there with The Sixth Sense...maybe even better in that the first time you watch it, it catches you completely off-guard, but it totally makes sense in its explanation and there are clues along the way. In fact, when you think about all the things that happened earlier in the film, leading to the escape, it blows your mind how well the entire film was constructed.

And then the movie takes on a completely different form when you watch it the second time. The scene where the warden inspects Andy's cell is much more dramatic, considering you know what's at stake for Andy. And the fact that the warden ignores the poster and nearly leaves with Andy's Bible makes the ending that much more satisfying.

It's just an amazing moment when Andy exits that pipe and spills out into the river. And he rips off his shirt and we're looking down on him with the rain pounding against his chest. And in that moment, we feel what he feels: freedom.

Why It's Awesome: A wonderful tale of the power of hope and redemption, even in the darkest of places. Acting, writing, and direction all solid. Dialogue is top-notch. I still get goosebumps during the scene between Andy and Red talking in the yard right before Andy's escape...goosebumps...

Best Quote: It comes down to a simple choice: Either get busy living...or get busy dying.

Gladiator (2000)

Easily in my top ten of ALL TIME.

You want a movie that kicks ass but without all the cheesiness of a Schwarzenegger film? Gladiator is your flick.

The cast is outstanding. Russell Crowe may be a dickhead in real life, but he acted the shit out of Maximus. Joaquin Phoenix steals the show, though, as Commodus. Talk about creepy! The whole incestuous love affair with his sister, the murdering of the father, the death threats on his nephew's life...the guy's a real asshole! Props to the supporting cast as well, especially Oliver Reed who lived just long enough to finish the flick.

I was discussing this movie with a friend not too long ago, and I think I stumbled on why exactly the movie is so damn good. And here it is: There aren't any slow or boring parts. There's not a single part in the movie where you're like, "Oh, I can't wait for this to be over so I can get to this next part." THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS AWESOME!

The opening battle? AWESOME!

The death of Maximus's family? AWESOME!

Maximus becoming a gladiator in Zucchabar? AWESOME!

Maximus going to the Colosseum? AWESOME!

Maximus fighting Tiger guy? AWESOME!

Maximus vs. Commodus? Ehh...less awesome but still, overall, the movie is fucking AWESOME!

It's just a balls to the walls awesome movie from beginning to end.

It also contains one of my favorite scenes in any movie...EVER!

Maximus walks out of the holding cell for the gladiators toward the shitty fighting arena in Zucchabar. All the other gladiators are sitting on their asses prepared to do jack shit. Maximus strolls out into the arena where there are a dozen huge ass warriors wearing tin pots on their heads and wielding axes and chains and shit. Maximus totally KICKS ASS and kills every single one of those bastards. The entire stadium is silent. Then Maximus starts yelling at the fans, verbally pwning them in the process and making it fairly clear that he hates their guts. Silence. Then, a single voice starts chanting "Spaniard! Spaniard!" and eventually the entire place is going apeshit for Maximus. Sweet...

Why It's Awesome: A revenge flick set in the Colosseum of Ancient Rome FTW. There's nothing better than a well done revenge flick. Kill a guy's family and make the guy a badass and you're in for a double helping of awesomeness.

Best Quote:

Commodus: It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Every now and then you reach into the BAG 'O FATE and the Powers That Be smile down on you...

Indiana Jones was my hero growing up. Indiana Jones is THE greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!).

And, as a special gift from the Movie Fates, the first Indiana movie I get to review is my absolute favorite. Now people will argue to death that Raiders is the clear-cut best of the trilogy (There are only three Indiana Jones movies...only three I tell you!), but, in my humble opinion, Last Crusade is easily more fun and more action-packed than the original.

Just the simple fact that they made JAMES BOND Indiana Jones' father makes this movie beyond epic. Ford and Connery have AMAZING chemistry, and, in the end, that's what makes this movie an absolute masterpiece in the adventure genre. They keep the relationship light and entertaining and avoid getting too mushy, but it's an amazing pair and having the relationship as the central focus of the film was simply brilliant (obviously not Lucas's idea).

Nearly every scene in this film is memorable for one reason or another. I'll just list the scenes and, if you're any kind of Indy fan, an image will automatically pop into your head that will, no doubt, supply you with an instant boner:

* The train scene

* The catacombs scene

* The boat scene

*The castle scene

*The motorcycle chase scene

* The blimp scene

*The tank scene

*The grail scenes

Just classic, classic stuff here.

The reason this movie kicks so much ass is that it took what was great about the first movie and simply added to it. You've got the return of some favorite characters in Sallah and Marcus Brody, the return of the Nazis as the villains, and a Christian artifact is once again the central focus. Add to that James Bond (a BIG improvement over Short Round from ToD), and you've got the greatest adventure movie in cinematic history...believe it!

Let us all remember Indiana Jones in this film rather than in THE FILM THAT MUST NOT BE SPOKEN OF...which any respectable Indy fan must abhor until one's dying days. Death to you Spielberg and Lucas...obviously Last Crusade was a gift from God itself because you clowns can't make a decent movie to save your pathetic lives...may you both rot in Hell for eternity for what you did to Indiana Jones. That is all.

Why It's Epic: Indiana Jones and James Bond together as father and son, killing Nazis, avoiding booby traps, and banging the same chick. INDIANA JONES RULES!

Best Quote:

Indiana: No ticket...(legendary)