The Terminator (1984)

I'm going to say something pretty controversial here...

The first Terminator is the best movie in the series. I know, I know. Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a nearly flawless sci-fi action movie, but I still cling tightly to the assertion that the first film is still the best. You want proof?

It's the only movie in the franchise that makes any damn sense.

In my opinion, nothing is more important in a film than the story. The story has to work. The story makes sense in the first movie. Its themes are well-developed. Machines become sentient and start a war with mankind. Mankind fights back. In a last ditch effort, the machines send back an assassin through time to murder the mother of the leader of the human resistance before he's even born. The humans send back a lone protector to prevent the abortion of their leader (They're pro-lifers).

Did I mention that the dude the humans send back (Reese) bangs the woman and becomes the father of the guy who sent him back in time in the first place?

Ok. Forget that part. Other than that, it makes sense. The machines send a machine back. The humans send a human. It's a classic underdog story as Reese has to make use of his ingenuity and creativity to defeat the unstoppable killing machine with an Austrian accent (What?). It's man vs. machine. That works. It makes sense.

Here's the plot of the second movie: Oh, by the way, we forgot that the machines actually sent ANOTHER machine assassin, even more badass than the first, back through time to kill John Connor as a child. Oh, and the humans sent back a machine through time to...um...fight the other machine...wait....what?

That's right. It's stupid. It doesn't work. The entire theme of the series is man vs. machine and now you've got machine vs. machine. And the machine the humans send back is the same model of the one that tried to kill Sarah Connor...

And the third movie is even WORSE. Oh, by the way, the machines actually sent a THIRD machine assassin back in time, even MORE badass than those other two...(sigh)...it's dumb. It's just dumb!

Not only are the plots dumb in the sequels but they actually destroy the integrity of the first film. It brings up a lot of very good questions:

1) Why doesn't Skynet just send back its MOST badass robot assassin (the T-X) right away? What the hell was Reese going to do against that hot robot bitch?

2) Why doesn't Skynet send back multiple robot assassins? Does it really matter if they're not all that discreet if they get the job done?

3) Speaking of being discreet, if the T-800 is an infiltration model, why is it a giant, 6 ft. tall, muscle-encrusted dude with an AUSTRIAN accent? SKYNET SUCKS!

4) Seriously Terminator 3? Seriously? You're just going to totally cancel out the first two movies by claiming that NOTHING has been averted AND kill off Sarah Connor just because Linda Hamilton knew what a train wreck the whole thing was going to be? Seriously?!

I think I've made my point:

Terminator > Terminator 2 > Terminator 3 > Terminator Salvation > Terminator vs. Predator

Why It's Awesome:

Because it makes sense. There's a guy and a machine and they fight. Man vs. machine. It works.

Best Quote:

Uh...let me think...

Time Bandits (1981)

Take every little boy fantasy and cram it into one movie, add a touch of British humor and a bunch of midgets and you've got one of the most underrated children's fantasy movies of all time...TIME BANDITS!

Directed by Terry Gilliam (whose other time-traveling flick is the badass 12 Monkeys), Time Bandits is about a little boy whose parents are totally douches who gets kidnapped by time-traveling midget themes who have a map that shows them all the holes in the fabric of the universe (allowing them to travel through time). Did I mention they jacked the map from God, who is pissed off and wants it back?

The time-traveling and God-escaping escapades include several run-ins with famous historical figures and then some elements of fantasy that pretty much cover every little boy fantasy ever dreamed of. The escapades include...

- Watching Napoleon laugh his ass off at a play about puppets hurting each other.

- Being captured by Robin Hood and his Merry Men, all of whom are kind of douchebags.

- Becoming the heir to Agamemnon's throne by helping him kill a minotaur man.

- Going down with the Titanic (and not being bothered by floating around in sub-zero temperature waters)

- Stealing a pirate ship from an ogre and his wife (Mona from Who's the Boss?).

- Plunging a needle into the head of a giant, gross fat guy.

- Fighting an evil demon using cowboys, archers, and a tank (all unsuccessfully, I might add).

Oh, and keep in mind it's midgets doing all these things so...yeah...even more awesome.

The whole time I was watching the movie I was thinking that had I seen this when I was eight, I would have had such a massive little boy boner the whole time.

And the ending? HOLY SHIT! It's right up there with Se7en and The Mist for best movie ending of all time! At the end, the little kid's parents BLOW THE FUCK UP! I mean, they just explode! And this is right after the kid's house burns to the ground. And then the movie just ends! The movie is like, "Hey, you know this kid who's been traveling through time with those midgets? Well fuck him! His parents just exploded and he's homeless!" Terry Gilliam is a heartless bastard and I love it!

Why It's Awesome: Time travel? Check. Fantasy elements? Check. Legendary historical figures? Check. A battle between Good and Evil with the fate of the universe at stake? Check. A midget getting crushed by a giant column? Check. Yup. This movie has everything a little boy could hope for in a fantasy flick.

Best Quote:

Supreme Being: Dead? No excuse for laying off work.

Devil's Advocate (1997)

If you're going to cast Satan in a movie, who better to portray the Prince of Darkness than Al Pacino?

This is an underrated movie with a supernatural twist to the usual thriller formula. Keanu Reeves plays Kevin Lomax, a young Florida trial lawyer who has never lost a case. He's recruited by the enigmatic head of a powerful firm in New York who, oh yeah, turns out to be the Devil.

If the Devil is anywhere on this Earth, it's definitely the courtroom. How do you think O.J. got absolved?

There's some pretty serious acting in this movie. Anytime you've got Pacino, you better get ready for some intensity coming through the screen, and he does not disappoint. The rant he delivers at the climax of the film is truly legendary. I could listen to it over and over again as Satan lays out his disdain for the Almighty.

Charlize Theron plays Kevin Lomax's wife who suffers from a mental breakdown after putting out for Satan. She's great in this, too. Her mental collapse is absolutely pitiful. And is there an actress in Hollywood who just sweats sex? She does a couple nude scenes in this one so...score.

And then there's Keanu Reeves. Oh Keanu. He's been in some excellent movies (and keep in mind I don't count the Matrix movies among them), but the man still takes a ton of shit for his acting (which does include many "Whoas"). I must admit this is not one of his better outings as he "attempts" to make use of some sort of southern accent. I'm not sure what the hell it is, but it's not good. Regardless, he plays his role well and one must keep in mind he's holding his own playing opposite Pacino so he gets a pass.

Any fan of film must see this movie for no other reason than the final Pacino rant after his "true nature" has been revealed. It's posted below so check it out if you want to watch Pacino curse out God.

Why It's Awesome: Pacino as Satan. 'Nough said.

Best Quote:

Pacino's entire final monologue. It's boss.

Candyman (1992)

This month I'm reviewing cheesy horror movies in honor of Halloween.

The first cheesy horror movie is a strange one. Candyman is not your typical early 90s horror movie. The basic storyline sounds like dozens of other horror flicks. A grad student (who looks suspiciously like Scully from X-Files) researches an urban legend about the Candyman, a killer with a hook for a hand who appears after someone says Candyman five times while looking in the mirror (Bloody Mary, anyone?).

But here's where it gets strange. There's nothing scary in this scary movie. Creepy is a better word. The Candyman is truly creepy and unsettling and it has nothing to do with the hook. It's a combination of Tony Todd's voice (as deep and black as a voice can get) and that damn fur coat...the guy is basically a tuba dressed like a pimp. The only truly scary aspect of this film is the ghetto where this movie was filmed. This is the ghetto...the real ghetto. I'd rather deal with the Candyman than go anywhere near the ghettos in Chicago. Kudos to the filmmakers by openly admitting that black people are terrifying.

The Candyman is kind of an odd cat. He seems to enjoy murdering poor people and stealing their babies. Not only that but he likes white women and attempts to woo them by framing them for murder. His idea of a good time is sawing off a dog's head and spraying blood all over the walls before vomiting bees down some chick's throat. And if that isn't strange enough the movie ends with a giant bonfire started by children.

The music really adds to the creep factor in this one. The score is unique and haunting, much like the film. At no point during the movie will you truly be frightened, but when the movie's over you'll be left with an unsettling feeling, which I personally feel is a much greater accomplishment.

CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN!

Oh no! A black guy!

Why It's Scary: I watched this movie almost a week ago and it's still with me. Now THAT'S what a horror movie is supposed to do, folks.

Best Quote:

Fake Candyman: I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. Well, you found him!

Pumpkin (2002)

Anyone who doesn't think this movie is great is retarded...

Pumpkin is one of the great underrated absurdist comedies of the New Millennium. It's about a perfect and popular sorority sister named Carolyn who falls in love with a retard...yup, you read that correctly. A hot chick falls for a retarded kid (named Pumpkin no less) and they totally have sex. Try to watch it and not feel uncomfortable! It cannot be done!

The hot retard-banging chick is played by the boner-inducing Christina Ricci. Ricci shows up naked in lots of films (Black Snake Moan, Prozac Nation) and she looks like the kind of girl who probably has chlamydia but you go ahead and do her anyway and accept the consequences. I've had a thing for her ever since I saw her as Wednesday in The Adams Family (which isn't weird or creepy because I was like, eight, when I saw that movie).

Seriously, dumb people won't enjoy this movie because it doesn't tell you when to laugh or even whether or not you should. The characters and the acting are real over the top (Ricci goes way, WAY over the top at times), but it's never silly or wacky like a Farrelly Brothers movie. The emotion is real, the relationship kinda sweet, and the music...wow...the soundtrack is haunting and really adds to the overall confusion of the movie.

This is also one of those rare movies that actually says something. In life, you have your insiders (the sorority sisters) and your outsiders (in this case, the mentally challenged athletes competing in the Special Olympics). People always feel sorry for the outsiders and will toss them some charity every once in a while but if any outsider tries to do anything relatively normal (like bang a hot sorority sister) no one can accept it, because, in the end, society only wants to feel sorry for outsiders, not treat them as equals.

Or maybe it's just saying that most sorority sisters are as intelligent as fully-functioning retards.

Regardless of the message, one thing is clear: when the short bus is a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'!

Why It's Awesome: It's Romeo and Juliet...except in this version, instead of being a Montague, Romeo is retarded. And kudos to the makers of this film for not pussying out and having Carolyn and Pumpkin have sex. You can't go halfway on a concept like this and they certainly didn't pull any punches.

Best Quote:

Carolyn: I'm sorry. I'm leaving the sorority. I'm quitting SCSU. I'm transferring to a community college.

Julie: But Carolyn, you're a senior. You can't transfer to a community college. You have too many credits.

Carolyn: Then I'm transferring to Long Beach Tech.

{The sorority sisters GASP in horror}

A Night at the Roxbury (1998)

WHAT IS LOVE?!

Saturday Night Live movies run the gamut from legendary (Wayne's World) to total abortions (It's Pat!) Night at the Roxbury falls on the positive side of the scale, and, even though I'm fully aware it isn't a great movie, for some reason I still laugh my ass off watching it.

EMILLLLLLIIIOOOOOO!

First of all, this is the only movie where Will Ferrell plays second fiddle to Chris Kattan. Say what you want about equal accreditation, Kattan carries the movie and Steve (although funnier) is obviously Doug's bitch. Of course, this is pre-Old School and pre-Anchorman, hits that would go on to cement Ferrell as the funnyman of the oughts. Kattan, on the other hand, would go on to make the abysmal Corky Romano and end up as a supporting cast member on the fairly decent television show, The Middle, but in 1998, both were just SNL funnymen.

AND I WAS LIKE, EMILLLLLLIOOOOO!

The movie plays it smart by using all the running gags from the SNL skits in the first five minutes of the film, meaning that the rest of the movie is fresh material. The movie is a classic underdog tale. Doug and Steve Butabi are two Rico Suave club-hopping sons-of-bitches who dream of owning their own nightclub. Of course, the problem is that most times, they can't even get inside of the nightclubs.

That is, until the night they meet RICHARD GRIECO!

See? Even writing about it is funny. This movie is just harmless tomfoolery at its 90s best...or at least fairly goodness. There are some funny moments like how the bros are still throwing out pick-up lines while the two sluts are trying to bang them and their obsession with whip-its and Molly Shannon (back in the 90s when she was still funny) describing interior decorating while simultaneously having an orgasm. Oh, and do I need to even mention the greatest wedding vows ever spoken by man?

"I used to see you outside of my father’s store, and then we went on some dates, and then you let me have sex with you."

Sniff...that brings a tear to my eye...

I also love Mr. Butabi's line about Steve not being able to back out of the wedding because the caterer is already paid for. That's the God-honest truth, man. Once that shit is paid for, you're fucked.

The sad part about this movie is that real life club rats are never this fun. They're always wearing aviators and their shirts have mysteriously disappeared and they dance around the club dry-humping any chick unfortunate enough to slip into their dancing orbit with their acid-fueled boners. Not a pretty sight...

Why It's Underrated: C'mon! It's Will Ferrell in a shiny suit and sideburns playing second-fiddle to a guy who dressed up as a caveman and spit apples into celebrities' faces. It's funny! C'mon!

Best Quote:

Mr. Zadir: Dooey, did you just grab my ass?


Dooey (halfway across the room): Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.

Mr. Zadir: Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey.

Idiocracy (2006)

This is easily one of the most underrated moves of the past decade. A total of, like, twelve people have actually seen this movie and I encourage at least twelve more to watch it. I suggest you be one of the twelve.

The reason this movie is so great is because it's 100% true. The movie is about how, due to the failure of evolution to weed out stupid people, in the future, everyone is basically retarded and dumb as shit because stupid people are too stupid to figure out how birth control works and intelligence has been eliminated from the gene pool. This leads to a world dominated by all-encompassing corporations, technology, and advertising that dominates all facets of life. Sound familiar?

Here's the story: Private Joe Bowers, a painfully average man, is chosen to participate in an army experiment to test new hibernation technology. Unfortunately, the experiment goes awry and he wakes up 500 years in the future when everyone is stupid and he's the smartest man alive. Now he must save the country from its own stupidity.

Here are some features of the dumbass society:

- Their most popular television show is a show called "Ow, my balls!" which is a guy just getting hit in the nuts in a variety of situations (basically it's an advanced version of Funniest Home Videos)

- Their chairs are recliners/toilets so they don't have to get up when they're watching television

- The president of the United States is an ex-pro wrestler/porn star

- People win senate seats on reality television shows

- The movie that won best picture was just a giant ass farting for two hours (it won a total of eight Oscars, including best screenplay)

Some of the humor is a little low-brow but it's totally justified by the movie's premise. You also have to keep in mind that the movie was written and directed by Mike Judge, the guy who was responsible for Beavis and Butthead so you should know what you're getting yourself into.

Seriously, though, look around and tell me we're not a society of mental midgets. This movie is only funny if you realize that our entire society is stupid. If you deny this fact, then you are one of the dumb invidiuals that this movie is mocking and, thus, you will not find it humorous at all.

Here's the test: watch the clip below. If you find it funny, then you'll enjoy the movie. If you don't, then fuck you...

Why It's Awesome: Gaze into our future. I can guarentee, with 100% accuracy, that this movie is EXACTLY what we can expect America to look like...only I predict it will happen within the next decade instead of 500 years like this movie predicts.

Best Quote:

Bowers: And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!

Once Bitten (1985)

This movie is pure 80s heroin. This movie is so 80s it'll make you perm your hair, break out your Walkman, and listen to some WHAM!

Besides the pure 80s awesomeness of this movie, its modern appeal is that it's one of Jim Carrey's first starring roles and he plays a virgin AND a vampire...not a typical combo but it's the 80s so ANYTHING GOES! This is your typical 80s low-budget comedy where a bunch of teenagers go on a quest to get laid (sound familiar?). Their quest takes a supernatural twist when they travel to Hollywood (where there's a woman walking a LION on a leash) and run into a hot female vampire who needs to drink the blood of virgins in order to stay young. Hilarity ensues.

Let's do the TOTALLY RADICAL 80S CHECKLIST:

1) Cheesy 80s theme song...CHECK! (Youtube Once Bitten...it's as good as jumping in a Delorean and traveling back to 1985. Everyone in the band, men and women, have hardcore mullets!)

2) Random, nonsensical dance scene where all the extras clear the dance floor and the main characters dance a perfectly choreographed dance number...CHECK! (I've included the Youtube video of the scene below. My favorite part is when Carrey plays his leg like a guitar!)

3) A heroin-thin hot chick with pancake-flat titties...CHECK!

4) Horny sidekicks who spout an endless supply of one-liners...CHECK! ("There's too much pressure about getting laid. It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.")

5) A total lack of black people in places there should obviously be black people...CHECK! (No blacks in Hollywood...hmm...)

6) Insensitive gay jokes that would never fly in today's PC world...CHECK! ("Fag attack! There's a bunch of fags in the shower!")

In addition to all the 80s awesomeness, this movie also serves as a great reminder of a time when Jim Carrey was actually funny. All his trademark moves are there: the T-rex walk, the orangutan walk, the De Niro impression, the reckless falling down, the crazy facials...they're all there to remind us of a magical time when movies like Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man never, ever existed. Watch it!

Why It's Radical: If nothing else, it kicks the shit out of Twilight. This one absolutely reeks of the 80s and it's fun to see Jim Carrey when he was still trying to be funny and succeeding.

Best Quote:

Jamie: This is horrible. This is the suckiest thing ever. The whole school thinks we're...GAY!
Russ: No one's going to think we're gay.
Jamie: This is it. We might as well move in together and buy his and his towels.

Uncle Buck (1989)

Uncle Buck is one of those subtle comedies that I just have to watch anytime it's on as a Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. It's just a wholesome, fun, family comedy that they don't really make anymore. There's no gross-out humor or sexual innuendo or violence. I would watch it at college a lot because it reminded me of being home and watching movies with my family so it's a sentimental favorite.

Here's the story: Buck Russell is a big, fat unemployed gambler who has to watch his brother's three kids when a medical emergency takes the parents out of the picture. The only problem is that one of these kids, Tia, is a real bitch and she's intent on getting impregnated at the age of 15 so Buck has to run around acting like a total cock block while watching the other two brats. In the end, he learns that having a family ain't all that bad and bangs a ginger woman.

Directed by 80s juggernaut, John Hughes, this is easily one of Candy's best solo performances (Besides Larry Clump of course...). You might notice a young Macaulay Culkin in this one as well in a pre-Home Alone outing. The real star of this film, however, is Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell. This girl is a total CUNT! There's no other way to describe her. Kelly puts in one of the all-time great bitch performances in cinematic history. Watch this movie and try not to hate her...TRY IT!

Here's some shit I love about this movie:

- Buck's car is an absolute BEAST! It's a 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe that backfires with a gunshot and a mushroom cloud of exhaust. Take that EPA!

- Buck's tormenting of Bug (Tia's boyfriend) is legendary ("Ever heard of a ritual killing?"). Who needs a condom when you've got John Candy wielding a hatchet or a power drill?

- For Miles' birthday, Buck makes him a stack of pancakes he has to flip with a snow shovel and I always thought as a kid that that would be just about the most awesome thing ever.

- Buck punches a drunk clown after uttering one of the great lines in cinematic history, "Get in your mouse and get out of here."

Bottom line is if you're looking for a pre-9/11 comedy where the parents are still married and the humor plays off the dialogue and funny situations instead of gross-out humor or obscenities or slapstick then Uncle Buck is what you're looking for.

Why It's Awesome: Great director and a great performance from a genuinely funny comedian. Do we even have funny comedians anymore capable of carrying films on their own? Say Tyler Perry and I'll rip out your intestines and strangle you to death with them.

Best Quote:

Buck walks into the assistant principal's office and is met with a giant mole with a woman attached to it.

Hoargarth: I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck (staring at the mole): I'm Buck Melonoma. Moley Russell's wart.

The Fly (1986)

If you've ever wanted to watch Jeff Goldblum's face melt off while he's vomiting on donuts, have I got a movie for you!

This is a great and underrated (and disgusting) horror movie of the 80s. The make-up effects put any CGI bullshit to absolute shame. Check out the picture below...(wait for it)...psych! That's not from the film, you dumbass! But it's still a sweet picture nonetheless.

Here's the story: Scientist Seth Brundle (Goldblum) has perfected the world's first working teleportation pods...WIN! So one night after his fuck buddy (Geena Davis) goes to buy some tampons, he gets all drunk and decides to test his pods on his first human subject...himself! Little does he know that there's a fly in the pod with him when he teleports so the dumbass computer fuses Brundle and the fly's DNA together, thus causing Brundle to slowly transform into a giant man/fly hybrid.

I learned a lot about flies from this movie:

1) Flies are all world-class gymnasts and highly adept at the high bars.

2) Flies love candy bars, donuts, and coffee with forty scoops of sugar.

3) Flies can fuck for hours and like cheap sluts who wear jean jackets.

4) Never arm wrestle a fly because it'll rip your bone right out of your fuckin' arm!

5) Flies are totally pro-life conservatives...who knew?

The ending of this movie is pure conservative bullshit. Geena Davis realizes she's pregnant with Brundle's baby and she's afraid she's going to fart out a larva so she goes to get an abortion. Brundlefly is a total pro-lifer so he and Sarah Palin go and kidnap Davis from the evil abortion center. Instead, he plans on fusing he, Davis, and the baby together into a single body so he doesn't have to buy a larger vehicle for family vacations. This is actually something conservatives are trying to get passed. They're pro-life AND pro-fusion.

Why It's Awesome: The film won an Academy Award for Best Make-Up...and with good reason. Watching Goldblum (who is great in this) transform into the fly is truly hideous as he jettisons body parts (including his ear, fingernails, teeth, and eventually his wang) at an alarming rate.

Best Quote:

Brundlefly: I'm saying I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over...and the insect is awake.

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

One word: UNDERRATED!

I'm always blown away by the number of people who have never seen this fucking movie. Let me tell you, if Jim Carrey had landed the role of Drop Dead Fred instead of Rik Mayyal (who does a fantastic job with the role, but let's face it, he's far from being a household name), then this would be one of the great all-time classic comedies of the 90s (probably...).

The premise is ingenious in that it's custom-made for hilarity. A shy, doormat of a woman opens a jack-in-the-box and unleashes her childhood imaginary friend who quickly turns her life upside-down and helps her deal with her overbearing mother and her jerkoff husband. Just the idea of a grown-up having an imaginary friend is forcing small drops of urine into my boxers as I type...and not from my recent bladder issues but from uncontrollable HILARITY!

Really the movie is a classic "whacko character enters the ordinary life of a normal individual and turns the whole thing upside-down but in a good way" premise. I feel like there's a million of these movies but not a single one comes to mind. Sure, some of the humor is sophomoric with poo, fart, and booger jokes galore but I imagine that's the kind of humor all our imaginary friends engaged in when we were kids. The best stuff comes as a result of no one else being able to see Fred except for Phoebe Cates (keeping her top on in this one) and him manipulating her hands or conversations that take place between Cates and (at least from everyone else's perspective) no one.

Drop Dead Fred also has genuine heart, and I think it deals with the trials and tribulations of transitioning from an almost-adult into full blown adulthood while tip-toeing on the right side of cheesy over sentimentality. It's the kind of movie that couldn't exist in today's blockbuster movie industry (even though they're trying to remake it with Russel Brand), but flourished in the 80s and early 90s, the kind of movie that made you laugh and still said something worth saying.

Watching Fred's antics always reminds me of my own imaginary friend who used to appear on the ceilings of bathrooms I used to use and watched me pee, but that's a story for another day...

Why It's Awesome: An adult with an imaginary friend...great premise and Fred's zany antics and occasional claymation gag fulfill the promise of the premise nicely.

Best Quote:

Fred: "You see, when something's not working, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better."

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

Now comedy fans will swear to their dying breath that Holy Grail is the superior flick, but, personally, I've always been a bigger fan of Life of Brian. If it weren't for Christian idiots considering the movie to be an affront to Jesus Christ (which it's not), I think Life of Brian would get a lot more credit.

Sure, there's some goofball stuff here (the scene where everyone is hiding from the Romans in the most ridiculous hiding spots ever) and some quality British humor (the Roman guard correcting Brian's Latin rather than punishing him for defacing the Roman capital), but there's also some quality social commentary, too. It's a fairly accurate portrayal of the religious hysteria, fanaticism, and persecution during Jesus's lifetime (and let's be honest, that shit still goes on today).

The scene that sticks out in my mind as just being the perfect satirical statement about religion is the scene where Brian addresses the crowd (who now think he's the messiah) and he tells them that they don't need to follow anyone, that they're all individuals. And then the crowd responds, in unison, "Yes...we're all individuals." Perfect. And I'm sure that's the scene that religious zealots hate because that's the perfect depiction of their "flock." And I'm sure the scene with the group of crucified men singing "Always look on the bright side of your life" didn't help either.

Of course, then there's the scene with the space aliens driving around with Brian in the back of their spaceship so there's a nice contrast between the thought-provoking and the just plain silly. And to this day I can't say Biggus Dickus without cracking a smile...

Why It's Awesome: The greatest British comedy troupe of all-time makes a movie so controversial it's banned in Norway. What's better than that?

Best Quote:

Pontius Pilate: Anybody else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwiend....Biggus...Dickus?

Hot Fuzz (2007)

All right, so I usually don't review movies I've just seen the first time, but HOLY FUCK! Reviewing Hot Fuzz wasn't a choice; it was decreed by the Movie Gods.

Hot Fuzz is a product of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director, Edgar Wright. That's right, the EXACT SAME lineup from the legendary, Shaun of the Dead. And, no, I wouldn't put it on par with Shaun, but Hot Fuzz does to action movies exactly what Shaun did to zombie flicks. The British humor is thick throughout this one, but it's the uber ridiculous act 3 that moves this movie from pretty good to fuckin' epic status.

It's not even worth mentioning any of the movie until the finale...which is about 40 minutes long. Earlier in the movie, Nick Angel busts a guy with an army arsenal of machine guns and bazookas and a fucking water mine...and you know the shit is going to come into play later on...and boy does it ever. The mystery running throughout the entire movie ends in the most ridiculous way possible (which is a good thing) and then the final showdown involves a shootout with a priest, a guy getting his head caught in a bear trap, the complete annihilation of a super market, and James Bond getting a model church tower impaled into his throat. Balls to the walls awesome...

But the BEST part of the movie has to be the homage to Point Break. Officer Frost is obsessed with cheesy action movies and he loves the surfer/crime thriller. At the end of the movie, when Frost can't shoot his father and instead screams and fires into the air I nearly pissed my pants. Any movie that references a sweet ass action movie like Point Break is all right in my book.

Why Simon Pegg would ever try to make a movie without Nick Frost is beyond me. He might as well be David Spade trying to make a movie without Chris Farley. Hot Fuzz, bitches! Watch it!

Why It's Awesome: Rides the line between ridiculous and awesome better than any movie in the history of film.

Best Line:

Skinner (on walkie-talkie): Michael, are you there?

Angel (pretending to be Michael on walkie-talkie): Yarp.

Skinner: Angel's been taken care of?

Angel: Yarp.

Skinner: He's not going to be back up again?

(Angel hesitates, thinking.)

Angel: Narp?

Death Becomes Her (1992)

Talk about a movie ahead of its time...

Death Becomes Her is a dark comedy about how far people will go to avoid the aging process. This movie came out in 1992 so this is before all the insanity over Botox and teenage boob jobs and stomach stapling. A remake could come out tomorrow and be twice as relevant as when it was originally released. Can't people just get old and ugly and be happy about it? It's the way nature intended it to be.

You can't really ask for a better cast than this. Goldie Hawn (when she's still hot), Meryll Streep (not looking bad herself), and a nerded out Bruce Willis. I know the ladies get a lot of attention in this movie, but Bruce is my hands-down scene stealer. This is the same man who, four years earlier, played John fucking McClane in Die Hard and here he is playing a spineless, nerdy, pussy-whipped bitch and playing it to perfection.

The concept itself is intriguing. Two female rivals consume a potion that allows them to live forever but then they die...only to return reanimated (but still biologically dead). Obviously this odd situation provides for most of the humor of the film. The jokes are solid for a majority of the film, but as soon as Helen dies, the humor comes off a little cartoony. Helen and Madeline are hitting each other with shovels and there's a lot of physical humor, but it all comes off too much like an episode of Tom and Jerry (Awesome show by the way).

And even though it's a neat concept, the story itself is rather weak. You realize after the shovel battle between Helen and Madeline that the movie isn't really going anywhere. The girls hate each other, then they make up and they're friends and realize they'll need Menville to maintain their corpses, and then we're kind of tossed into the climax with Menville rejecting the potion at the castle of the immortals and being chased by dogs and falling off a building and into a swimming pool.

I suppose the ironic thing is that Goldie Hawn now looks like someone who has been dead for about ten years and is trying to hide under a veil of plastic surgery to keep anyone from finding out...

Why It's Awesome: You get to watch two really hot, really dead bitches boss around John McClane.

Best Quote:

Madeline: Bottom's up.

Madeline drinks the potion.

Lisle: Now a warning...

Madeline: NOW a warning?!

Garden State (2003)

I'm taking a short break from action and comedy flicks to bring you a review of a quirky independent drama written and directed by Zach Braff.

Before I get into what I like about this movie, let me just quickly say what keeps it from being great:

1) After seeing this movie four or five times now, the quirky characters are almost too quirky. Their quirkiness actually gets on your nerves with multiple viewings. It's the double mumbo-jumbo rule of screen writing. Does Sam have to be epileptic AND a compulsive liar? Can't she be just as interesting if she were one or the other?

2) Zach Braff just seems like a douchebag so it makes me like this movie less because he wrote, starred in, and directed this movie...so fuck him.

All right, with those factors aside, there is a lot to like about this movie.

I'm not sure a movie does a better job of expressing what it's like to be a Twixter (a person caught between college graduation and their 30th birthday). You've moved out of your parents' home and started a life of your own, you're probably not working at the job you dreamed you would be, you're lonely, and you continuously dream of the care-free days of your childhood, but you realize that you can never, ever get them back and the place you once considered your "home" will never be the same again. It's kind of depressing and confusing and slightly humorous at times and those are the emotions Garden State nails.

Speaking of "nailing," how about that Natalie Portman? It certainly doesn't hurt this movie to include her as the love interest. I must admit, I've had a boner for Natalie since I saw her in "The Professional" (Sweet ass movie by the way). I mean, those pigtails? C'mon! I'd like to grab onto those things...

But enough of my horniness. The acting is kind of dry, which it's supposed to be, but the characters do an extraordinary job of coming off as actual loser people you graduated with and you wouldn't want to ever run into again.

The soundtrack is amazing if you're into pussy emo music. It's the kind of soundtrack some pussy would make for a chick he liked and the chick would listen to it as she's sucking off her boyfriend and think of the guy who gave it to her and how pathetic he is. And with that description, you should know exactly what kind of music is on it.

Oh, the ending...it sucks. I always forget how it ends and that's probably because I don't want to remember. The main character gets on a plane only to get off the plane and return to his love interest...TOTAL CLICHE. Come on, Zach, you can do better than that! Although, I've watched Scrubs...maybe you can't...

Anyways, it's worth seeing if you like quirky, depressing, slightly humorous indie flicks starring the dude from Scrubs.

Why It's Slightly Awesome: Natalie Portman swimming around in her underwear...that's enough for me.

Best Line:

Braff's character is in the pool flailing around. It's obvious he doesn't know how to swim.

Mark: You look like a wet beaver!

(Again, another quote you have to hear to appreciate).

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

One word describes this movie: Underrated

In the midst of the 90's deluge of action flicks, The Long Kiss Goodnight often flies under the radar. No, it doesn't star Stallone or Willis or Arnold. Instead, it stars...Geena Davis. That's right! A decent action flick that stars a chick! A chick may not be able to be president (unless you're...Geena Davis on her shitty canceled TV show), but a bitch can kick ass in a movie.

So let's do the Totally Sweet Action Movie checklist:

1) Main characters escape an explosion by running...CHECK

2) Funny sidekick (preferably a black guy)...CHECK

Umm...can you say Samuel L. "Motha Fuckin'" Jackson? Sidekicks don't get much better than that. He's got so many one-liners in this movie it isn't even funny...oh wait...it IS funny...hilarious even...which is the point...

3) Cocky, sadistic villain...CHECK

In his only significant role of his career, Craig Bierko plays a pretty bad ass bad guy. It's too bad this movie flopped at the box office or else this guy could have been killed by Arnold later on in his career.

4) Cheesy but humorous banter between main character and sidekick....let's check:

Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch: I hope not because I'm thinking my balls hurt.

Hmm...that's a big CHECK.

5) Main character commemorates killing the main bad guy with a totally sweet one-liner?

In my humble opinion, "Die screaming, mother fucker" is just a notch or two below "Yippee ki yay, mother fucker" so...CHECK!

The movie meets all the necessary requirements to be a TOTALLY SWEET action movie. Is it Predator or Commando? No, but I'd rather see Geena Davis in a hot shower scene than Arnold, that's for damn sure.

Why it's awesome: The Long Kiss Goodnight answers this common question: What happens when a woman with no memory of her past discovers that she's an assassin working for the United States Government? Awesomeness happens...awesomeness...

Best Line:

Henchman (over walkie-talkie): I'm hurt real bad. I - I think I'm dying...

Timothy (over walkie-talkie): Continue dying. Out.