The Terminator (1984)

I'm going to say something pretty controversial here...

The first Terminator is the best movie in the series. I know, I know. Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a nearly flawless sci-fi action movie, but I still cling tightly to the assertion that the first film is still the best. You want proof?

It's the only movie in the franchise that makes any damn sense.

In my opinion, nothing is more important in a film than the story. The story has to work. The story makes sense in the first movie. Its themes are well-developed. Machines become sentient and start a war with mankind. Mankind fights back. In a last ditch effort, the machines send back an assassin through time to murder the mother of the leader of the human resistance before he's even born. The humans send back a lone protector to prevent the abortion of their leader (They're pro-lifers).

Did I mention that the dude the humans send back (Reese) bangs the woman and becomes the father of the guy who sent him back in time in the first place?

Ok. Forget that part. Other than that, it makes sense. The machines send a machine back. The humans send a human. It's a classic underdog story as Reese has to make use of his ingenuity and creativity to defeat the unstoppable killing machine with an Austrian accent (What?). It's man vs. machine. That works. It makes sense.

Here's the plot of the second movie: Oh, by the way, we forgot that the machines actually sent ANOTHER machine assassin, even more badass than the first, back through time to kill John Connor as a child. Oh, and the humans sent back a machine through time to...um...fight the other machine...wait....what?

That's right. It's stupid. It doesn't work. The entire theme of the series is man vs. machine and now you've got machine vs. machine. And the machine the humans send back is the same model of the one that tried to kill Sarah Connor...

And the third movie is even WORSE. Oh, by the way, the machines actually sent a THIRD machine assassin back in time, even MORE badass than those other two...(sigh)...it's dumb. It's just dumb!

Not only are the plots dumb in the sequels but they actually destroy the integrity of the first film. It brings up a lot of very good questions:

1) Why doesn't Skynet just send back its MOST badass robot assassin (the T-X) right away? What the hell was Reese going to do against that hot robot bitch?

2) Why doesn't Skynet send back multiple robot assassins? Does it really matter if they're not all that discreet if they get the job done?

3) Speaking of being discreet, if the T-800 is an infiltration model, why is it a giant, 6 ft. tall, muscle-encrusted dude with an AUSTRIAN accent? SKYNET SUCKS!

4) Seriously Terminator 3? Seriously? You're just going to totally cancel out the first two movies by claiming that NOTHING has been averted AND kill off Sarah Connor just because Linda Hamilton knew what a train wreck the whole thing was going to be? Seriously?!

I think I've made my point:

Terminator > Terminator 2 > Terminator 3 > Terminator Salvation > Terminator vs. Predator

Why It's Awesome:

Because it makes sense. There's a guy and a machine and they fight. Man vs. machine. It works.

Best Quote:

Uh...let me think...

Predator (1987)

GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!
This is it...the most manliest movie OF ALL TIME!
Put the women and children to bed and sprout a massive erection, this is PREDATOR.

Talk about your all-time great badass line-ups here. Of course the manliest movie of all-time would have to star Arnold, but he's supported by Apollo fuckin' Creed (Carl Weathers) and the man who ain't got time to bleed, Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

I've cracked the code for successful Arnold movies. Because he's such a total genetic freak, the key to a successful Arnold movie is creating an antagonist that is so badass and so hardcore that it makes Arnold the underdog. This is the major flaw with the epically ridiculous Commando because the main antagonist, Bennett (the guy in the chain mail), is such a sopping wet pussy he stands zero chance of defeating Arnold. Then on the other end of the spectrum, you've got the legendary Terminator 2 where the T-1000 makes Arnold his bitch for most of the movie...and then there's the Predator alien.

The Predator  has to be one of, if not the, greatest sci-fi creature villain ever created, and sits right up there with the T-1000 as a worthy adversary for Arnold. The chances of being disappointed when it removes its face shield at the end of the movie were about 99%, but Sam Winston is a cinematic god and created an original and terrifying creature that makes every CGI creature ever made look like a claymation piece of shit.

The first third of the movie sets out to create the impression that this group of guys is the greatest collection of badasses known to man. I love that their approach to their rescue mission (where the objective is to rescue hostages...alive, I assume) is to unload on the compound with grenade launchers and just blow the holy fuck out of the entire place. Apparently they only had to rescue the hostages' corpses. Then the second act of the film is the Predator bitching out Arnold's boys one-by-one with his assortment of toys. And then it all ends with the dramatic one-on-one showdown between Arnold and the Predator...

That showdown...holy piss. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Arnold vs. the Predator is the single greatest one-on-one showdown in cinematic history. You've got human vs. alien. You've got technology vs. basic survival instincts. And that moment when the Predator has Arnold beat, but, instead of finishing him off, strips off his techno gear, looks him straight in the eye, and in true Step-Brothers fashion says, "Let's get it on"...wow. That moment is enough to make any true man's testicles swell with manly pride.

The entire man factor of this movie can be summed up by the scene near the start of the film where Arnold greets Apollo Creed and they exchange a manshake and the camera focuses on their giant biceps and they're sweating all over the place and in their eyes you can see they're dreaming about eating beef jerky and impregnating Mexican maids...and then skipping out on the child support payments.

Ah, the joys of being a man...

Why It's Awesome: It follows the successful Arnold movie formula to perfection:

Arnold + badass sci-fi villain + absolutely no remnant of a love story = EPIC WIN!

Best Quote:

Blain: I ain't got time to bleed.

(Think about that: to be so busy killing shit you don't have time to bleed...that's hardcore)