Hollywood remake commandment #1: Thou shall not remake a Schwartzenegger film!
How many times must Hollywood break this commandment before everyone realizes it is LAW?! Why even try? He is such a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable actor that no one can ever...EVER...replace him. It's just that simple. Go ahead and try to justify remaking these films by saying you're going to make them "more similar to the source material," it really doesn't matter. It's just a bomb in the making.
Take last summer's Conan the Barbarian for example. It showed up on my Netflix streaming service and since new movies only appear once every six months, I thought I'd give it a look-see. I watched the emo barbarian take on impossible odds in a classic revenge tale (I'd be pissed if Ron Perlman was my father and someone killed him, too) and everything seemed to be in place. There were some awesome fight scenes (the sand monster fight stood out) and some interesting bad guys (Rose McGowan's balding sorceress stole the show) and in the end Conan stood victorious with some hot virgin slut.
And ten minutes later it was as if someone took the Men in Black mind eraser stick and flashed it in front of my eyes because I couldn't remember a thing about the whole damn movie.
And there lies the problem. The main issue I have with modern popcorn movies is they're so damn forgettable. They're so by-the-numbers they turn into nothing but clones of every movie we've already seen a thousand times already. Who could forget The Goonies or Back to the Future or E.T.? These are popcorn movie masterpieces and they've survived the test of time.
And this takes us right back to the Arnold dilemma. You remember Arnold. You see a roided up wall of muscle with a weird accent, you're gonna remember that guy. He was all that was man in the 80s and early 90s. This guy playing Conan now wears guy liner. Let's compare:
In conclusion, movies now are terrible. Stop trying to remake movies that were good. Remake shitty movies instead. That way no one will care when you ruin them.
Why It's Dog Shit: The worst sin for a movie is to be forgettable. Conan The Barbarian...is a sinner.
Best Quote (Nuts to this new movie. There's only ONE best Conan quote):
Mongol: What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
No comments:
Post a Comment