Halloween (1978)

The scariest Halloween movie ever made is...you guessed it...HALLOWEEN!

Without Halloween, there is no Jason or Freddy or any of the other dozen of slashers that would follow in the footsteps of the one true psychotic silent murderer, Michael Myers! John Carpenter's low-budget masterpiece spread its legs and gave birth to the entire genre. And even 30 years later with dozens of sequels and remakes under its belt, the original is STILL one of the scariest movies ever made.

I can't overemphasis how little money was used to create this horror masterpiece. I think the total budget was a little over $12. Jamie Lee Curtis was an unknown at the time and worked for a case of Activia while the now iconic Michael Myers mask was a $2 William Shatner mask that the crew bought and painted white and dyed the hair (which makes William Shatner the father of modern horror...who knew, right?). It just goes to show that you can make a quality film without a billion-dollar budget and all the latest special effects (I'm looking at you Avengers and Avatar).

I've mentioned this before with some of the other horror classics, but what separates Halloween from the turd sandwich horror movies made in the modern era is the mood. It possesses a quality that no modern movie has: patience. The body count is miniscule by today's standards. The deaths are simple and unimaginative. There's barely any blood or gore at all. And yet it's STILL scary as hell. Carpenter does the subtle things so well. The movement of shadows on the wall, the rise and fall of the music as a character crosses a deserted street. You feel actual tension while watching it, and Carpenter lets it build and build and build and then he finally delivers with the pay-off. Beautiful...

I also love how enigmatic the character of Michael Myers was in that first movie. He's not presented as being a supernatural menace like Freddy or an unstoppable monster like Jason. He's a man who possesses pure evil deep in the abyss of his blackened soul. He can be hurt. He's stabbed in the eye by a hanger and he bleeds. But when Dr. Loomis finally catches up with him and shoots him five times in the chest, sending him tumbling over the second-story railing to the ground below, his body...disappears. That's how you create a truly creepy antagonist. You keep the audience guessing.

This movie also gave birth to several horror clichés (including if you're a hot teenage chick who takes a babysitting gig you're pretty much dead), but my favorite has to be the virgins live/sluts die rule. Carpenter claims it was a complete coincidence that all the whores died in the movie (he claims Laurie was more observant because she was less focused on her vagina and more aware of her surroundings), but it also stands as an interesting piece of fundamentalist propaganda. Laurie literally defeats Michael with her virginity. Pew! Pew! Choke on my lack of sex, bitch!

Why It's Awesome: Michael Myers is part of the holy trinity of slasher antagonists (along with Freddy and Jason).  He's the most refined of the three, and his original tale (the 1978 flick, not Rob Zombie's abortion where he make Michael into a huge, hulking man-beast) is the best film of the three movie franchises.

Best Quote:

Dr. Loomis: I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil. 

Escape from New York (1981)

And the KURT RUSSELL QUADFECTA is complete!

We're moving from bearded Kurt Russell to eye patch Kurt Russell in his most famous role, Snake Plissken in Escape from New York. Russell pioneers the gravelly-voiced anti-hero who DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT in this flick. In fact, his voice is so gravelly he could make a gravel road feel like a complete pussy - now that's hardcore.

This movie looks ahead to the future year of...1997 (gasp) where New York City is similar to today in that it's a shithole prison that no one can escape from...except that it's literally a prison in this movie instead of metaphorically like in real life. The United States is at war with China and Russia (or something) and, on his way to deliver a cassette tape of Madonna's Greatest Hits to the rival countries, Air Force One is shot down over NYC and the president is taken hostage by the inmates. Guess who has to save him?

Once again Kurt Russell and John Carpenter team up for a winning combination. The entire budget for this film was $23.17 and what Carpenter manages to pull off with that budget is nothing short of amazing. He even manages to buy a limo with chandelier hood ornaments for Isaac Hayes (playing the Duke of New York) to drive around in. The sets look amazing for the low budget and he most definitely gets his money's worth out of Kurt Russell's performance.

The following example sums up Kurt Russell's entire effort in this film: while he's saving the president, Snake gets shot with an arrow in the leg. Russell then proceeds to sell the injury FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. He limps from that point on all the way until the credits roll. Now that's dedication. Any modern action hero would sell the injury for about five minutes and then be running a track meet in the next scene...not Kurt Russell. That's why he's his generation's Nick Cage.

As much as I enjoy me some Kurt Russell, the performance of the guy who plays Romero (the insane shark man to the left) totally steals the show. This guy is so over-the-top awesome it's hard to describe just how totally sweet he actually is. Even his death is so entirely overly ridiculous that I prayed he would come back to life just so I could watch him die again.

So for now we escape not only New York but the blinding glow that is Kurt Russell's brilliance. So long, Kurt Russell. May your beard always be luscious, your voice gravelly, and may you always find big trouble, even in little places. RESPECT!

Why it's Awesome: Kurt Russell running around a Carpenter film with an eye patch, a gun, and nano-nucler bombs imbedded in his neck, all the while not giving a shit about any of it. Sign my ass up!

Best Quote:
Hauk: You gonna kill me, Snake?
Snake: Not now. I'm too tired...maybe later.

The Thing (1982)

In a world with failing economies, governments, and yet another season of Dancing with the Stars, there's really only one thing that can get us through these tough times...and that's MORE KURT RUSSELL! And Captain 69 is here not just to give you more Kurt Russell but BEARDED KURT RUSSELL!

This is it, folks. The Thing is Kurt Russell's magnum opus. This is his Citizen Kane. In all seriousness, this is a sci-fi classic and Russell has plenty of help in this one with John Carpenter directing and Keith David doing his "Keith David" tough black guy shtick.

When I first read the title, I thought "The Thing" referred to Kurt Russell's full, luscious, Chuck Norris-like beard, but it's actually an alien that shows up at an Antarctic research facility in the form of a dog and then just totally starts assimilating people. The best part is none of the dudes at the facility know who is The Thing and who isn't so Kurt Russell and his beard just start killing everyone.

Here are a few reasons why The Thing is a sweet ass movie:

1) Kurt Russell's beard

2) There are NO WOMEN in the entire film so you know it's gonna be hardcore

3) Two...count 'em...TWO black guys survive until the very end of the film. This is the first film that this ever happened and it's never happened since.

4) The special effects (non-CGI) are totally disgusting. When The Thing starts assimilating people it looks like a gross vagina giving birth to a smaller, even grosser vagina

5) The title is the most ambiguous title ever except for Them (which is actually about giant ants)

6) No movie does a better job of acting as a larger metaphor for the Cold War

7) The ending is one of the most depressing, bleak endings of any movie ever

8) Kurt Russell's beard is so thick and full I want to curl up and take a nap in it

Everything is spot on in this one. The music, the atmosphere, the special effects, the acting...it's all great. Sure, it has some similarities to Alien (a few people try to survive an alien attack trapped in an isolated environment), but it works so who gives a shit? If you're watching it for the first time, try not to feel actual anxiety as you attempt to figure out who's been infected and who isn't. The paranoia just oozes off the screen.

Let's just pray they never try to remake this one...wait, what's that? There's a prequel coming out next month?

....fuck.

Why It's Awesome: See the picture above and tell me it's not awesome. Sure there's an amazing blend of sci-fi, mystery, and horror elements but isn't Kurt Russell's beard enough?

Best Quote:
Clark: I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

I just recently learned that Kurt Russell is, in fact, still alive...which is great.

I haven't watched this movie since I was twelve so I assumed the whole thing would make more sense as I watched it as an adult. Alas...it did not...not at all. I realized this movie's target audience is, surprisingly, 12-year-old boys as it contains ridiculous amounts of gravity-defying kung-fu fighting, machine guns with unlimited ammo, a sorcerer shooting light out of his face, gross floating head blobs, a guy who can blow himself up like a puffer fish, and everyone's favorite 80s whore, Kim Cattrall.

Here's the story if you're not up on the trouble going down in Little China: Jack Burton is a cocky truck driver who stumbles into a Chinese gang war between two factions, one of which is led by a 2000-year-old sorcerer/AIDS patient who must marry a green-eyed Asian chick in order to cure himself of his AIDS and return himself to full strength...or something.

Here's how you know this movie is great: it's directed by legendary B-movie director, John Carpenter. That's right, They Live, Escape from New York, The Thing - all films that were cheated out of Oscars. When it comes to directing, John Carpenter makes Steven Spielberg look like M. Night Shamalaahynnna...h. The movie is cheesy and fun and since Kurt Russel is in it you know not to take it too seriously. Its goal is simple: TO KICK ASS! And it succeeds on every possible level.

You know this movie totally rules because so many later movies and video games totally rip it off. Anyone familiar with the Mortal Kombat game series knows that Raiden is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL RIP-OFF of Lo Pan's henchman, Lightning. They both wear the same stupid hat for Christ's sake! And the crazy fighting from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Stolen from this film that I'm pretty sure originated that sort of thing. And I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that James Cameron got his idea for his blue alien cats from Avatar from reimagining the Beast from this film.

By the way, the scene of Lo Pan's henchman, Thunder, blowing himself up may be THE greatest death in cinematic history. Watch the movie. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Why it's Awesome: The main protagonist, Jack Burton, literally does NOTHING the whole movie except accidentally hurt himself and spout off one-liners the whole movie until he finally kills Lo Pan at the end. It's basically like Lord of the Rings if Frodo was a truck driver, Gandalf shot lightning out of his ass, and instead of elves and dwarves and shit there's nothing but Asians as far as the eye can see.

Best Quote:
Jack: [pointing to a door covered in Chinese writing] What does that say?

Wang: Hell of Boiling Oil.

Jack: You're kidding.

Wang: Yeah, I am. It says keep out.

They Live (1988)

Forget that this movie stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

Forget that this movie contains one of the longest and illogical fights scenes of all time (at five minutes and twenty seconds it may be THE longest fight scene in cinematic history).
Forget that the basis of the movie is that a drifter finds a pair of "special" sunglasses that allows him to see the world for what it truly is, a consumer-based slave ship run by aliens using subliminal messages.

This is a good fuckin' movie because it does what many movies fail to do...it SAYS something.
This movie was made in the late 80s at the height of the yuppie movement that would swell into the net boom of the 90s. It's a movie that warned of the dangers of consumerism and the use of media to control the middle class and turn them into mindless cattle.

Talk about a movie that needs to be remade!

The ten minute section of the film when Piper first finds the sunglasses and wanders around the city seeing the world for what it truly is is one of the most poignant and haunting statements of our modern world ever captured on film. Billboards, magazines, political ads, and television commercials contain subliminal messages such as:

Obey
No Imagination
Surrender
Do not question authority
Consume

And the most telling of all, printed on dollar bills: THIS IS YOUR GOD.

And the scariest part of the whole alien conspiracy is that there are humans who have knowledge of the plot but are actively assisting the aliens for financial gain, selling out their own species for the Almighty Dollar.

If you ask me, we've been sleeping for the past thirty years, refusing to question authority and consuming like the good little sheep that we are. The middle class is dwindling and constantly under attack while the upper class, the ones responsible for the financial crisis, continue to increase their wealth and power base. You don't need a pair of special sunglasses to see the working man is being fucked in the ass but it ain't aliens doing the fucking...

Why It's Awesome: It's social commentary that works. Sure, the movie breaks down into Piper running around with a shotgun with seemingly infinite ammo blasting aliens left and right but the build-up to the senseless action is enough to persuade me to arm myself and form a militia.

Best Quote (a classic...):
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.