National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

My parents' generation had Miracle on 34th Street; my generation has National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the best Christmas movie of the Millennial generation. Watching this movie (in spite of its crass language and partial nudity) has become a holiday tradition in many families' households every December and there's an easy reason why...it's freakin' hilarious and easily the best of all the Vacation flicks.

Christmas Vacation highlights everything that sucks about the holidays:

1) Searching for the "perfect" Christmas tree in the freezing cold

2) Visiting with pain-in-the-ass relatives

3) Hanging Christmas lights that never work

4) Realizing you're too old to go sledding

5) Having your shitter be full

It's perfect satire because we all look so fondly on all these holiday traditions, but, in reality, they're kind of a pain in the ass. Like Clark, we get our hopes up, dreaming of a perfect holiday with family, but nothing ever goes smoothly, and, even when it does, no one really notices or appreciates it.

Actually, Clark's disaster holiday is fairly tame by modern standards. Today he would be sprayed with mace trying to buy an X-box or trampled trying to enter a Walmart and he'd be divorced and Rusty would be secretly free-basing in the laundry room and Audrey would be pregnant and blow guys for a ride to the mall. Let's face it, late 80s disasters were nothing compared to the shit that goes down in the New Millennium.

Speaking of the Griswold family, this is easily my favorite family line-up. Of course you've got Chevy as the patriarch and his boner-inducing wife, Beverly D'Angelo, but the kids are by far the best of the series with the head nerd from Big Bang Theory taking over the reigns of Rusty and then Juliet "The Other Sister" Lewis stepping in as Audrey.

Anyways, that's it for the reviews for 2011. May your holidays be merry and all your shitters be full!

Why It's Awesome: John Hughes has a special talent for finding humor (as dark as it may be sometimes) in everyday situations and no one will ever capture the horror of the holidays better than this movie, which he wrote. The Griswolds are every family who dreams of a perfect holiday...and fail to achieve it.

Best Quotes (All of which have found their way into our family lexicon):

"SQUIRREL!!!"

"I'm gonna get you something (tongue click) reeeal niiiiice."

"That there's an RV."

"They want you to say grace...THE BLESSING!"

"Shitter's full!"

Die Hard (1988)

Yippee-Ki-Yay...Father Christmas!

Most families gather around to watch Miracle on 34th Street or The Grinch during the holiday season, but those people are pussies! If you're hardcore for the holidays then you already know DIE HARD is not only the greatest non-traditional Christmas movie ever but the greatest...action movie...of ALL TIME!

There's not much to say about this film that hasn't been said for the past 20+ years. Its perfection lies in its simplicity. Take one average joe cop (John McClane is THE greatest everyman character in action), pit him against 13 badass terrorists/robbers (Alan Rickman practically perfects the slick and intelligent villain here), stick them all in a building in a battle royale and you have hardcore perfection.

And can we talk about the title here for a second? Die Hard? That is fuckin' awesome! You know exactly what you're getting into with a title like that. People are going to die, and, not only are they going to die, but they're going to die...HARD! No one's going to die quietly in their bed. No, people are going to get thrown off buildings and down stairwells, blown up with C4, and shot in the dick multiple times. Now that's dying HARD! This movie also has some of the best translations ever. In Hungarian, the title is Give Your Life Expensive and in Serbia it's called Die Manly...awesome...

Die Hard is the pinnacle of the 80s/90s action genre that officially died in 1999 when The Matrix blew up and we moved from everyman heroes to "super" heroes, a trend that still, unfortunately, continues to this day. Just for a comparison, Neo dodges bullets and kills a guy by entering inside of him and exploding out while John McClane runs across broken glass in his bare feet and kills a guy by throwing him down a flight of fucking stairs and snapping his neck. Now you tell me which one is more hardcore (and realistic)! All these heroes nowadays need super powers to stop the bad guys. All John McClane needed was a gun and a wifebeater! DEATH TO THE SUPER HERO GENRE!

But I digress. One last area where Die Hard succeeds above all others is the key area of the Carl Winslow factor. That's right, the dad from Family Matters is John's black cop buddy on the outside playing, essentially, Carl Winslow. Dealing with terrorists is probably a walk in the park compared to dealing with Steve Urkel on a daily basis. Did I do thaaaaat?

Why It's Awesome: It's scientifically proven to be the greatest action movie of all time. John McClane is one of the great icons of action with his funny witticisms after murdering people and Hans Gruber is one of the great villains in cinema. The skyscraper serves as the perfect backdrop for all the raw action that builds and builds and never lets up. They don't make action movies like this anymore.

Best Quote (Besides the obvious):

Hans Gruber: I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest - of - his life.

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

There's nothing less traditional than a movie about a guy who has scissors for hands.

This is easily the best example of the basic plot line, "A Stranger Comes to Town" in cinematic history. The introduction of a strange, cyborg-like man created in a lab who has scissors for hands into a suburban neighborhood of gossip-crazed busybodies is the perfect recipe for disaster and the ordeal says more about the nature of the neighbors than it does about the "freak" they ostracize. It's a lot like Frankenstein in that regard, an exploration of monstrosity and the basic need we have as human beings to belong.

This is such an odd movie, but it's an example of how an original idea in Hollywood can work when you have the right people involved. No director could have made this movie besides Tim Burton. This is the pinnacle of his work and started his trend of super pale people in his trademark films. Likewise, could you imagine this movie without Danny Elfman's music? Music is often an overlooked aspect of films, but when it's done right...wow. And this is music done right.

The film is cast well, too. Johnny Depp does a lot with his 169 words throughout the entire film. He has a silent film actor vibe in this movie where he does a lot of acting with his eyes, his walk, and his...scissors. Diane West is just adorable as the mother and Alan Arkin (who is always great) does a lot in an uncelebrated role as the clueless, emotionally stagnant father. The only flaw is the cute but mediocre Winona Ryder. The only thing she doesn't steal is the scenes she's in (ZING!). Oh, and how about Anthony Michael Hall transforming from 80s geek to 90s dickhead in this one? Nicely done, sir.

I always forget how funny this movie is. Acts I and II as Edward's integrating himself into suburbia are actually pretty hilarious (how about that lemonade scene?), but the film takes an extremely dark turn in Act III. It's abrupt and things go downhill fast and it's that last third that leaves an impact on the viewer. As someone who grew up in suburbia, it's truly the most horrifying place imaginable and few films do a better job of capturing the quiet and quaint insanity of the 'burbs (the only movie that does it better is The 'Burbs).

Of course, viewing a movie like this with such a unique character does bring up a few interesting questions:

1) How does Edward go to the bathroom?
2) Does he even have a penis?
3) Where is he getting those giant chunks of ice to carve up at his isolated mansion in Florida?

But I suppose those are questions for another day...

Why It's Awesome: A humanoid creation with scissors for hands shows up in suburbia - a truly creative and original premise that plays out flawlessly on screen. But seriously, did Vincent Price give him a penis? Here's a question for all you guys: would you rather have no hands or no penis? I guess what good is the penis without the hands? Of course, I guess that's what Winona was for...

Best Quote:

Jim's Van Friend (talking about Edward and Kim): Forget about holding her hand, man. Think about the damage he could do to other places.

Gremlins (1984)

We're starting off this month of non-traditional Christmas movies with one of the least traditional of all-time, Steven Spielberg's Gremlins, a movie that, on the surface, seems to be about a strange race of creatures who multiply if you don't follow specific rules. What most people don't realize, though, is that this movie is actually an elaborate and perverted metaphor for the dangers of unprotected sex.

Stay with me here...

Our protagonist is a strange man-child named Billy, some loser douche who still lives with his parents and acts like a child but looks like he's about thirty. It's obvious from his demeanor and his Jewfro that he is a hardcore virgin. His love interest is Phoebe Cates, one of the greatest sex icons of the 80s (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, anyone?). It's obvious he has no idea how to handle his dong.

So he receives a gift, a Mogwai named Gizmo, and he's instructed to follow strict rules to ensure its safety and that it doesn't multiply:

1. Don't expose it to bright lights.
2. Don't get it wet.
3. Don't ever let it eat after midnight (which doesn't make sense because at what point can it start eating again?)

In this instance, Gizmo is a metaphor for Billy's johnson.

Billy must learn that there are three strict rules every guy must follow in order to avoid getting chicks pregnant:

1. Never bust inside of a girl no matter how many times she tells you it's ok.
2. Never trust your fate to generic, non-brand name condoms.
3. Never trust a girl who's on birth control or who claims she tracks her period because girls are liars and they're terrible at math.

Billy, of course, does not follow the rules and thus Gizmo multiplies out of control. Gizmo is like Billy's one good kid who is cute and nice and the other gremlins are like his bastard children he has out of wedlock who are all ugly and destructive and throw his good kid down the laundry chute. The metaphor would be more clear if Billy lived in a trailer park or was Puerto Rican but you get the idea.

In the end, Billy murders all of his bastard children in order to avoid getting raped on the monthly child support payments.

I can't believe no one's ever uncovered this elaborate perverted metaphor before.

Oh well...GIZMO!!!

Why It's Awesome: Much like the filthy Disney animated flicks of the late 80s and 90s, here's a family movie with subliminal sexual undertones. At least this one contains an important lesson: like my mother told me when I was a horny teenager, if you're going to take the horse out the barn, saddle up, partner (for those of you who aren't following, the horse is my penis in the metaphor and the saddle is a condom).

Best Quote:

Mr. Futterman: Goddamn foreign TV. I told ya we should've got a Zenith.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

I figured I'd end this month's millennial comedy theme with a classy comedy. Classy comedies are pretty hard to find nowadays with most of the early 2000s being dominated by raunchy frat boy humor with plenty of sex and drugs and violence, but, amid the chaos of the Will Ferrells and Ben Stillers of the world, every now and then you'll find something that is pretty special.

Little Miss Sunshine definitely fits that description. Not only is it dark and quirky and well written and well acted...it's damn funny, too.

If you're not familiar with the plot, here it is in a nutshell: a quirky family who basically hate each other drive a busted VW bus from New Mexico to California for the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant. The members of the family include a suicidal and homosexual uncle (Steve Carrell in the best role he'll ever perform), an unsuccessful self-help guru father (the always reliable Greg Kinnear), a teenage boy who has taken a vow of silence as part of his obsession with the philosopher Nietzsche (the amazing Paul Dano), a heroin-addicted grandfather (the stupendous Alan Arkin), a little girl who is naturally cheerful and totally immune to her family's insanity (Abigail Breslin in a tiny fat suit), and the mother (the serviceable Toni Collette) who is just trying to keep her family together.

The cast is the reason this movie works. Wow. Steve Carrell actually acts in this one. You're not going to see his usual zany antics (he is supposed to be suicidal and depressed after all). Alan Arkin is always amazing and it's no different in this one as the drug-addicted, yet lovable grandfather (although there was a moment when I thought he was raping Abigail but I think that would have taken things to a dark place...).

The real breakout star of this flick, however, is the totally underrated Paul Dano. Anyone who has seen There Will Be Blood knows exactly what I'm talking about. Paul Dano is the new Daniel Day-Lewis. Try...TRY not to lose yourself in the moment when Dwayne realizes he's colorblind and he's not going to get to be a fighter jet pilot and finally breaks his vow of silence by TOTALLY TWEAKING THE FUCK OUT in a cinematic moment that Dano just absolutely acts the shit out of. Damn is he good!

There are certain movies, though, that are great because they contain a cinematic moment (think the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally). This movie contains one of those moments. Many movies build and build and build to that final scene and that scene totally and utterly fails to deliver the goods. LMS, however, contains one of the single greatest end scenes ever filmed by man. When the entire family storms the stage during the beauty pageant and starts dancing to Rick James's Superfreak I absolutely lost it. I had tears streaming down my face in the theater. It is a moment that is so hilarious, so sweet and touching, yet creative and fun that it easily cracks my top ten list of greatest scenes in cinema. I've included it below simply because it would be a crime not to.

Although I love the insanity and quotability of some of the zanier comedies of the New Millennium, Little Miss Sunshine is easily my favorite comedy of the decade. Plus it introduced me to Nietzsche so for that I am forever grateful.

Why It's Awesome: Few movies allow you to totally dislike the characters at the beginning of the film and absolutely love, not just a few or some of them, but all of them. Really that's just great writing. RESPECT!

Best Quote:

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Step Brothers (2008)

I've decided this month is going to be Millennial Comedy Month - a month of comedies that accomplished something rare during the first decade of the new millennium...made me laugh at a movie.

Step Brothers is the last epically hilarious Will Ferrell comedy ever made. He should probably just die because I don't believe he has another movie like this in him. Give the man credit: he starred in three truly hilarious films during the decade with Anchorman, Talladega, and Step Brothers whereas the funniest man of the 90s (Sandler) only scored two actual funny films (Madison and Happy). And please don't try to argue with me about Sandler's merits as a comedian or I will fill a pillowcase full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you.

Really, if you look at all three, there's a common thread: Adam McKay (director extraordinaire). McKay gets the best out of Ferrell whereas other directors can only get him to run around the screen looking like a curly-headed fuck...a completely unfunny curly-headed fuck. John C. Reilly is the perfect comedy sidekick in this and Talladega (and try not to piss yourself watching him in Walk Hard...totally underrated). Plus you've got some great supporting actors in Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins, but the unsung hero of this film has to be Adam Scott, who plays an asshole of epic proportions (who lip syncs Vanilla Ice, no less).

This is how you make a comedy: create a funny premise (two man-children are forced to coexist when their parents marry) and fill the two leads with hilarious actors (Ferrell and Reilly). Boom! Let the hilarity ensue. But enough about things and stuff, these movies are about one thing...THE QUOTES.

Time for some EPIC STEP BROTHERS QUOTES:

Dale: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?
Brennan: 'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword...and you're not gonna NOT get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?

Brennan: I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

Dale: Dad, we're men. We like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
Dr. Doback: We have literally never done any of those things.

Alice: I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.

Dale: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes "Oh my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the wiener.

Brennan: I've got a belly full of white dog crap in me and now you lay this shit on me?!

On a final note, this movie reaches epic status for no other reason than it is the ONLY movie in history (Besides the truly horrific Children at Play) that shows adults beating up children. It's usually the other way around, but little kids are crap and I'm proud that McKay had the good sense to include two full grown men beating the piss out of a bunch of middle schoolers. If you have a problem with movies glorifying child abuse, do me a favor and just shut...shut your mouth...just shut your mouth for a second...

Why It's Awesome: Will Ferrell + John C. Reilly + Adam McKay + no real plot = EPIC WIN!

Best Quote (There's really only one thing left to say...):

BOATS AND HOES!

Super Troopers (2001)

A few years back, some fellow movie fanatics and I (known collectively as "The Finer Things Club") rated the best Millennial comedies of the late 90s and early 2000s. We were mixed on movies like Anchorman and Happy Gilmore and Austin Powers, but Super Troopers finished solidly in everyone's top ten, and, when the dust settled, even though it had failed to receive a single #1 ranking, Super Troopers was the best Millennial comedy OF ALL TIME...and you know what? I can't argue.

Meow, forget that this movie doesn't star an A-list comedian, this movie is fucking funny. Basically this movie is about what anyone would love to do if they were a cop: fuck around and mess with people. Who wouldn't love to freak out stoners, wear a bullet-proof cup, chug maple syrup, play repeater, or fondle some kinky German chick listening to techno music in a stolen car?

Meow, the true measure of a legendary comedy is how many of its quotes become ingrained in one's everyday vocabulary. That's right, folks, it's meow time for a SUPER TROOPER QUOTE-OFF!

"Give me a liter o' cola."

"It stinks like sex in here."

"Car Ram-Rod!"

"Okie silly dilly dokie-o. I'm an idiot."

"Enhance...enhance...enhance...enhance..."

"I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says Shenanigans."

"I just lost a buck...TO MYSELF!"

"Ooooooh, shit! I got you good, fucker!"

"Who wants a mustache ride?"

"You are freakin' out...man."

"The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries!"

Holy piss, meow, those are all things I say on a daily basis, as I'm sure most of you do. I even ask people if they want a mustache ride despite the fact I have never had, nor am I capable of growing a mustache. It's just common courtesy really.

In conclusion, if you didn't laugh your ass off reading those quotes, then either you are totally lame or you need to watch this movie at least a dozen times while stoned off your ass. DO IT MEOW!

I'm sorry, are you saying meow?

Why It's Awesome: One of (if not THE) best and most quotable movie of the New Millennium. A great cast, hilarious physical comedy, clever dialogue, just enough plot to move from one joke to another, and a guy in a costume that makes it look like he's having sex with a bear. What more do you people want?!

Best Quote (maybe not the best but it finishes the running joke):

Am I saying meow? Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumping around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milke from a saucer? Am I eating mice? Meow I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. It's the law.

Dead Snow (2009)

There are horror classics like the original Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and Saw...pretty much anything that spawned 37 sequels was probably good in its original incarnation. In honor of Halloween, I decided to review the complete opposite of those movies - that is, a complete crapfest.

And on that note, let's discuss DEAD SNOW, a Norwegian film that gives us not only zombies and not only Nazis but NAZI ZOMBIES! Who could ask for anything more?

Here's the ridiculous premise: A couple of the dumbest medical students on the planet spend their Easter weekend in an isolated cabin in the mountains...little do they know that the mountain is infested with NAZI ZOMBIES who pretty much straight up murder anyone who steals their stolen Jew gold (it's kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean but instead of pirates you have Nazis and instead of Johnny Depp you have some Norwegian janitor who wandered onto a movie set).

Let's do the totally awesome cheesy horror flick check list:

- At least three scenes of people taking a dump...CHECK!

- Absolutely no explanation as to why the Nazis are zombies...CHECK!

- At least five examples of unnecessary and logic defying decisions to "split up"...CHECK!

- Some girl swinging from a mountain by a Nazi zombie's intestines...CHECK!

- A chick having sex with a fat guy WHILE he takes a dump in an outhouse during which she LICKS THE GUY'S FINGERS that he just used to WIPE HIS ASS...that's a big CHECK!

This movie directly lifts scenes from much better movies such as Friday the 13th, Evil Dead, The Descent, and even Shaun of the Dead. And forget about following standard zombie rules. These zombies make use of cheetah speed, binoculars, and camouflage. I guess Nazi zombies are different from your non-fascist zombie varieties.

On a final note, this movie contains the greatest Molotov cocktail FAIL in cinematic history. Watch below and enjoy your craptacular Halloween!

Why it's Awesome: The only movie ever to marry two of the greatest villains in cinema...Nazis and zombies. Really the movie should have just been called Nazi Zombies. Dead Snow tells me nothing and it's stupid. How can snow be dead? Hell, I don't even know what I'm getting with a title like that, but Nazi Zombies...I know exactly what I'm getting and I'm into it...hard!

Best Quote:

Roy: Where the fuck did you get a machine gun? (after seeing his friend show up with a machine gun strapped to the front of his snowmobile).

Idiocracy (2006)

This is easily one of the most underrated moves of the past decade. A total of, like, twelve people have actually seen this movie and I encourage at least twelve more to watch it. I suggest you be one of the twelve.

The reason this movie is so great is because it's 100% true. The movie is about how, due to the failure of evolution to weed out stupid people, in the future, everyone is basically retarded and dumb as shit because stupid people are too stupid to figure out how birth control works and intelligence has been eliminated from the gene pool. This leads to a world dominated by all-encompassing corporations, technology, and advertising that dominates all facets of life. Sound familiar?

Here's the story: Private Joe Bowers, a painfully average man, is chosen to participate in an army experiment to test new hibernation technology. Unfortunately, the experiment goes awry and he wakes up 500 years in the future when everyone is stupid and he's the smartest man alive. Now he must save the country from its own stupidity.

Here are some features of the dumbass society:

- Their most popular television show is a show called "Ow, my balls!" which is a guy just getting hit in the nuts in a variety of situations (basically it's an advanced version of Funniest Home Videos)

- Their chairs are recliners/toilets so they don't have to get up when they're watching television

- The president of the United States is an ex-pro wrestler/porn star

- People win senate seats on reality television shows

- The movie that won best picture was just a giant ass farting for two hours (it won a total of eight Oscars, including best screenplay)

Some of the humor is a little low-brow but it's totally justified by the movie's premise. You also have to keep in mind that the movie was written and directed by Mike Judge, the guy who was responsible for Beavis and Butthead so you should know what you're getting yourself into.

Seriously, though, look around and tell me we're not a society of mental midgets. This movie is only funny if you realize that our entire society is stupid. If you deny this fact, then you are one of the dumb invidiuals that this movie is mocking and, thus, you will not find it humorous at all.

Here's the test: watch the clip below. If you find it funny, then you'll enjoy the movie. If you don't, then fuck you...

Why It's Awesome: Gaze into our future. I can guarentee, with 100% accuracy, that this movie is EXACTLY what we can expect America to look like...only I predict it will happen within the next decade instead of 500 years like this movie predicts.

Best Quote:

Bowers: And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!

Cool as Ice (1991)

"Look, Ma! No talent!"

For those of you who thought that Vanilla Ice's pure awesomeness was only reserved for the early 90s rap scene, I present to you a film that answers that burning question that philosophers have been asking themselves for centuries: How cool is Vanilla Ice?

Answer: COOL AS ICE, MOTHA FUCKA!

That's right, someone thought it would be a good idea to put Vanilla Ice in a movie, and, not just put him in the movie like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze ("Ninja! Ninja! Rap!) but to have him STAR in his own movie. Now, imagine how awesome a movie starring Vanilla Ice would be, multiply that by 400 million, and that's how epically sweet COOL AS ICE truly is.

The thing that most people don't understand about this movie is that VI's character "Johnny Van Owen" isn't supposed to be considered an average mortal man. No, he exemplifies the qualities of a mythical man of legend, what Nietzsche called the ubermensch. VI's character is similar to what a modern Jesus would be if Jesus could lay down some sick beats and shave random crop circles into the back of his hair and eyebrow.

Among his many legendary deeds, VI accomplishes the following in epic fashion:

1) Jumps a motorcycle over a fence without the aid of any sort of incline, ramp, or adherence to the laws of physics. He jumps the fence through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. That's COOL AS ICE! Check it out:

2) Woos a female Republican with a 4.0 grade point average by nearly paralyzing her in a horrible horseback riding accident, stealing her black book that contains her "scholorship information," breaking into her house and shoving an ice cube down her throat (yes, this literally happens in the film) and taking her to an active construction site on their first date. How could VI possibly win the heart of any female by committing all these horrible acts? Because he's COOL AS ICE!

3) Changes clothes 40 times a day despite the fact he's on a road trip driving a motorcycle without any luggage of any kind. And I shouldn't have to say this but every outfit he wears, from the jacket that has over 70 phrases printed on it ranging from "Sex me up" to "Yep Yep" to his neon yellow parachute pants and suspenders combo, is COOL AS ICE!

4) Drives his motorcycle through the second story wall of a building. Yep...COOL AS ICE...

Now the reason I haven't described the plot yet is that it's irrelevant because really everything that happens is just an excuse for VI to be awesome. Here's the plot anyway: Vanilla Ice and his crew of black slaves drives their motorcycles into a town of white people who have never seen blacks before where he meets a stuck-up bitch whose father is hiding in the witness protection program from two corrupt cops. You can imagine what happens from there and, rest assured, everything that happens is...well...you can probably guess...

This movie is also infamous for having the greatest tag line of any movie EVER. The tag line is "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice."

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense because everyone knows that if you want to melt a stone, the best way to do that is to use ice...er, wait...does that make sense? Oh well. COOL AS ICE!

Why it's Awesome: I'm serious, Vanilla breaks into this slut's house, literally climbs in through the window, and shoves an ice cube down her throat...it happens! Where the fuck did he even get an ice cube?! Then she wakes up and finds him, a person she just met the previous day, lying in the bed next to her half-naked body. And she's totally into it! Now that's a pimp, my friends!

Best Quote (the infamous):

Ice: Here's some words of wisdom: Drop dat zero. Git wit da hero!

The Wicker Man (2006)

Wow...

Wow...

Wow...

Nick Cage is a GOD...of terrible, bat-shit crazy acting performances. And this is his masterpiece.

Wicker Man is one of the all-time best worst movies of all time. Cage deserves every Oscar ever presented to anyone for his performance as a female-beating, bear-suit wearing, totally clueless cop who wants to know HOW'D IT GET BURNED?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'DITGETBURNED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's the movie's attempt at a plot: after experiencing a traumatic and never-fully explained event, Nick Cage receives a letter from an ex-girlfriend who left him at the altar claiming her daughter has been kidnapped on a strange island ruled by man-hating dykes. So even though he has no motivation to go, he travels to the island, where everyone (including the woman he's there to help) refuses to answer ANY of his questions...I mean, these bitches literally won't answer ANYTHING. Every time he asks a question all they do is snort or cough or make some sort of unrecognizable sound...and that's pretty much the entire movie.

During his quest to have someone...ANYONE..answer one of his questions, Cage goes on a rampage of awesomeness that includes the following EPIC acts:

- Pulls a gun on an unarmed woman in order to steal her bike

- Dresses up as a bear and talks on his cell phone

- Roundhouse kicks a woman for being too vague

- Calls an entire classroom of little girls "Little Liars!"

- Delivers an uppercut to a woman just for smiling at him

- Straight up delivers a haymaker to an unsuspecting woman's jaw while dressed up as a bear

- Calls pretty much everyone on the island a bitch

Cage absolutely acts up as storm in this movie as only Nick Cage can. There's a reason why this man owns a dinosaur skull, ladies and gentlemen. His entire performance can be summed up in the scene where these crazy sluts break his leg, and, in order to inform the audience that his leg has just been broken, he screams, "Ow! My leg!" thus indicating that his leg has, in fact, been broken. Now that's acting!

It's pointless to try to describe the absolute whirlwind of acting Cage hurls through the screen so I'm including a Youtube clip of some of his best moments. Enjoy:

Why It's God-Awful: Really this is an allegory of what would happen if women were in charge of our government. There'd be human sacrifices and non-stop Halloween and our only hope would be people like Nick Cage who are willing to uppercut women with no shame and steal their bikes.

Best Quote:

Nick Cage: OH NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! BLH!

Escape from New York (1981)

And the KURT RUSSELL QUADFECTA is complete!

We're moving from bearded Kurt Russell to eye patch Kurt Russell in his most famous role, Snake Plissken in Escape from New York. Russell pioneers the gravelly-voiced anti-hero who DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT in this flick. In fact, his voice is so gravelly he could make a gravel road feel like a complete pussy - now that's hardcore.

This movie looks ahead to the future year of...1997 (gasp) where New York City is similar to today in that it's a shithole prison that no one can escape from...except that it's literally a prison in this movie instead of metaphorically like in real life. The United States is at war with China and Russia (or something) and, on his way to deliver a cassette tape of Madonna's Greatest Hits to the rival countries, Air Force One is shot down over NYC and the president is taken hostage by the inmates. Guess who has to save him?

Once again Kurt Russell and John Carpenter team up for a winning combination. The entire budget for this film was $23.17 and what Carpenter manages to pull off with that budget is nothing short of amazing. He even manages to buy a limo with chandelier hood ornaments for Isaac Hayes (playing the Duke of New York) to drive around in. The sets look amazing for the low budget and he most definitely gets his money's worth out of Kurt Russell's performance.

The following example sums up Kurt Russell's entire effort in this film: while he's saving the president, Snake gets shot with an arrow in the leg. Russell then proceeds to sell the injury FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. He limps from that point on all the way until the credits roll. Now that's dedication. Any modern action hero would sell the injury for about five minutes and then be running a track meet in the next scene...not Kurt Russell. That's why he's his generation's Nick Cage.

As much as I enjoy me some Kurt Russell, the performance of the guy who plays Romero (the insane shark man to the left) totally steals the show. This guy is so over-the-top awesome it's hard to describe just how totally sweet he actually is. Even his death is so entirely overly ridiculous that I prayed he would come back to life just so I could watch him die again.

So for now we escape not only New York but the blinding glow that is Kurt Russell's brilliance. So long, Kurt Russell. May your beard always be luscious, your voice gravelly, and may you always find big trouble, even in little places. RESPECT!

Why it's Awesome: Kurt Russell running around a Carpenter film with an eye patch, a gun, and nano-nucler bombs imbedded in his neck, all the while not giving a shit about any of it. Sign my ass up!

Best Quote:
Hauk: You gonna kill me, Snake?
Snake: Not now. I'm too tired...maybe later.

The Thing (1982)

In a world with failing economies, governments, and yet another season of Dancing with the Stars, there's really only one thing that can get us through these tough times...and that's MORE KURT RUSSELL! And Captain 69 is here not just to give you more Kurt Russell but BEARDED KURT RUSSELL!

This is it, folks. The Thing is Kurt Russell's magnum opus. This is his Citizen Kane. In all seriousness, this is a sci-fi classic and Russell has plenty of help in this one with John Carpenter directing and Keith David doing his "Keith David" tough black guy shtick.

When I first read the title, I thought "The Thing" referred to Kurt Russell's full, luscious, Chuck Norris-like beard, but it's actually an alien that shows up at an Antarctic research facility in the form of a dog and then just totally starts assimilating people. The best part is none of the dudes at the facility know who is The Thing and who isn't so Kurt Russell and his beard just start killing everyone.

Here are a few reasons why The Thing is a sweet ass movie:

1) Kurt Russell's beard

2) There are NO WOMEN in the entire film so you know it's gonna be hardcore

3) Two...count 'em...TWO black guys survive until the very end of the film. This is the first film that this ever happened and it's never happened since.

4) The special effects (non-CGI) are totally disgusting. When The Thing starts assimilating people it looks like a gross vagina giving birth to a smaller, even grosser vagina

5) The title is the most ambiguous title ever except for Them (which is actually about giant ants)

6) No movie does a better job of acting as a larger metaphor for the Cold War

7) The ending is one of the most depressing, bleak endings of any movie ever

8) Kurt Russell's beard is so thick and full I want to curl up and take a nap in it

Everything is spot on in this one. The music, the atmosphere, the special effects, the acting...it's all great. Sure, it has some similarities to Alien (a few people try to survive an alien attack trapped in an isolated environment), but it works so who gives a shit? If you're watching it for the first time, try not to feel actual anxiety as you attempt to figure out who's been infected and who isn't. The paranoia just oozes off the screen.

Let's just pray they never try to remake this one...wait, what's that? There's a prequel coming out next month?

....fuck.

Why It's Awesome: See the picture above and tell me it's not awesome. Sure there's an amazing blend of sci-fi, mystery, and horror elements but isn't Kurt Russell's beard enough?

Best Quote:
Clark: I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.

Last Man Standing (1996)

The great thing about 90s action movies was that no one ever had to reload...EVER!

Last Man Standing is a classic 90s action movie starring one of the three main men of action, Bruce "I'll Die Harder" Willis. Not only do you get Willis in this one but famed B-movie megastar, Bruce Dern, and...(wait for it)...CHRISTOPHER FUCKIN' WALKEN playing a hired gun baddy who is so badass that not only did he murder his parents by slitting their throats when he was an infant but then he burnt down the orphanage they stuck him in afterwards. Now that's badass...

Here's the story: Willis plays John Smith, a gun-slinging loner who stumbles into a Texas town run by two rival gangs during 1930s Prohibition. Since he's so hardcore, he joins BOTH gangs and just guns down everyone for cold, hard cash. Then, for no reason at all, he turns into a total pussy and helps two sluts who are banging the heads of each gang...which totally pisses these dudes off, ya know. So they mess him up and then Smith has to just fuckin' lay waste to everyone, firing as many bullets single-handedly as were used in the entire Afghanistan War. The end.

The action is way, way, way over the top to a ridiculous degree. The action is more over the top than the movie, Over the Top (all right, maybe it's not that over the top). Even though the guns Smith carries hold about seven bullets, he activates his Infinite Ammo cheat and just sprays bullets everywhere. Each guy he kills he shoots about 47 times, some long after they're obviously dead. And the best part about this movie is that when he shoots someone, the act of shooting them actually suspends the laws of gravity and the victim flies about fifteen feet into the air like a helium balloon or does nine consecutive backflips like an Olympic gymnast. It's fairly badass.

And can I just end by saying that Bruce Willis has a great "gun face." You know, the expression he wears while he's firing a gun. It's pretty good. I'm not sure it's Antonio Banderas in Desperado good but it's still pretty good. The picture below from College Humor is a pretty good example of what Willis's face looks like the entire movie...

Why It's Awesome: This movie really marks one of the last straight-up badass tough guy movies of the 90s before everyone turned into sopping wet pussies in the New Millennium. Once Matrix hit it big, the action genre officially died and was replaced by special effects bullshit.

Best Quote:

Finn: I guess you'll just have to kill me.

Smith: It'll hurt if I do.

Overboard (1987)

It's a Kurt Russell bonanza!

We're shifting from Kurt Russell's more serious works like Big Trouble in Little China to one of his classically mediocre comedy pieces, Overboard. Co-starring his real life sex partner, Goldie Hawn's ass, Kurt Russell shows that if you're crafty enough, you, too, can have your very own sex slave!

Here's the ridiculous story: Goldie Hawn is a rich bitch who hires Kurt Russell to build her some shelves on her million dollar yacht. Then she stiffs him on the bill because he uses the wrong wood. That night, she falls OVERBOARD (hence the title) and suffers from amnesia, forgetting everything about herself. Kurt Russell collects her and convinces her that she's his wife and forces her to be his housekeeper and take care of his four boys. Then he does her.

I love this movie because it's un-PC approach to comedy is pure 80s. Basically what we're talking about here is kidnapping. Kurt Russell kidnaps Goldie Hawn and forces her to be his slave. And even though she's legally married to another man, he still takes it upon himself to bang her. And the best part? She never even gets that mad about it! He's got her scrubbing toilets and doing laundry and making dinner like she's some sort of Mexican housemaid (watch out for Arnold!) and she's cool with it.

Seriously, though, this movie is harmless fun with two strong leads with good chemistry and there's some classic 80s humor (no gross-out humor, no cursing, no overtly sexual stuff). Of course Goldie falls for Kurt and his kids by the end even though he enslaved her. It's just light-hearted fun even if places the illegal sex trade in a positive light.

There's some talk of remaking this movie with Jennifer Lopez. Please don't. If her fat ass falls into the ocean, no one's fishing that bitch out.

Why It's Awesome: There's one thing that really makes this movie stand out: Goldie Hawn's ass. Wow. This bitch is heroin thin but that caboose ain't too bad.

Best Quote:

[Annie holds a pair of women's panties]

Billy: Annie, those are my underwear.

Annie: Yours?

Billy: I don't mean I wear 'em. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.

Annie: But what about Gertie?

Billy: I'm sorry, Annie...I got horny.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

I just recently learned that Kurt Russell is, in fact, still alive...which is great.

I haven't watched this movie since I was twelve so I assumed the whole thing would make more sense as I watched it as an adult. Alas...it did not...not at all. I realized this movie's target audience is, surprisingly, 12-year-old boys as it contains ridiculous amounts of gravity-defying kung-fu fighting, machine guns with unlimited ammo, a sorcerer shooting light out of his face, gross floating head blobs, a guy who can blow himself up like a puffer fish, and everyone's favorite 80s whore, Kim Cattrall.

Here's the story if you're not up on the trouble going down in Little China: Jack Burton is a cocky truck driver who stumbles into a Chinese gang war between two factions, one of which is led by a 2000-year-old sorcerer/AIDS patient who must marry a green-eyed Asian chick in order to cure himself of his AIDS and return himself to full strength...or something.

Here's how you know this movie is great: it's directed by legendary B-movie director, John Carpenter. That's right, They Live, Escape from New York, The Thing - all films that were cheated out of Oscars. When it comes to directing, John Carpenter makes Steven Spielberg look like M. Night Shamalaahynnna...h. The movie is cheesy and fun and since Kurt Russel is in it you know not to take it too seriously. Its goal is simple: TO KICK ASS! And it succeeds on every possible level.

You know this movie totally rules because so many later movies and video games totally rip it off. Anyone familiar with the Mortal Kombat game series knows that Raiden is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL RIP-OFF of Lo Pan's henchman, Lightning. They both wear the same stupid hat for Christ's sake! And the crazy fighting from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Stolen from this film that I'm pretty sure originated that sort of thing. And I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that James Cameron got his idea for his blue alien cats from Avatar from reimagining the Beast from this film.

By the way, the scene of Lo Pan's henchman, Thunder, blowing himself up may be THE greatest death in cinematic history. Watch the movie. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Why it's Awesome: The main protagonist, Jack Burton, literally does NOTHING the whole movie except accidentally hurt himself and spout off one-liners the whole movie until he finally kills Lo Pan at the end. It's basically like Lord of the Rings if Frodo was a truck driver, Gandalf shot lightning out of his ass, and instead of elves and dwarves and shit there's nothing but Asians as far as the eye can see.

Best Quote:
Jack: [pointing to a door covered in Chinese writing] What does that say?

Wang: Hell of Boiling Oil.

Jack: You're kidding.

Wang: Yeah, I am. It says keep out.

Wayne's World (1992)

It's Wayne's World!
Wayne's World!
Party time!
Excellent!

This is the best SNL spin-off ever...NOT! That would be The Blues Brothers, but it's definitely a close second and one of the best comedies of the early 90s. Not only did it transform many of the characters' catchphrases into popular lexicon but the movie actually invented a sound for popping a boner ("Schwing!") and for that reason alone, it deserves its place in history.

The main cast is EXCELLENT:

Mike Myers - I really hate Mike Myers because of all the Austin Powers catchphrases that have plagued our world since that movie's release, but it's not him I hate so much as the millions of annoying people who said them thinking they were as funny as Mike Myers ("Yeeeeeah, baby!" Umm...how about Nooooo, asshole!)

Dana Carvey - Here's the truth. Dana Carvey > Mike Myers. The box office may not agree but it's true. The man is the funniest SNL cast member EVER...period.

Tia Carrere - Not a great voice but I'm not sure she was hired because of her voice (psst...look at her tits)

Rob Lowe - The man LITERALLY says LITERALLY in this movie (you'll only get that reference if you watch Parks and Rec). Literally, one of the best bad guys of the 90s.


Oh, and Al Bundy plays Stan, the owner of the diner. That's right...Al Fuckin' Bundy...

Watching this movie now, I realize it has absolutely little to no recognizable plot; it's just one pointless segment after another (sprinkled with 90s references like Terminator and Grey Poupon), but it gets away with it and do you know why? Because it's fucking funny! After my recent viewing I realized I still use quotes from this movie to this day ("S'cuse me...I'd like to get BY now..."). Uh-oh. That can mean only one thing...

Time for some EXCELLENT WAYNE'S WORLD MOVIE QUOTES:

Wayne: Hey, Tiny, who's playing tonight?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne: The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne: So it's not just a clever name.

Wayne: We broke up over two months ago.
Stacy: Well that doesn't mean we still can't go out, does it?
Wayne: Well it does actually.

Al Bundy: I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder!

Really the only reason this movie works is that Wayne and Garth are so damn likable. They're right up there with Butch Cassidy/the Sundance Kid and Bill/Ted as the greatest movie tandem ever. Watch this movie and then listen to Bohemian Rhapsody and TRY not to headbang...you just can't do it. SCHWIIIIING!

Why It's Awesome: Two funny guys being funny in a funny movie saying and doing funny things. The formula for a successful comedy seems so simple and yet it's so rare we see one nowadays...

Quote I Still Use Every Single Time I Drive Through Delaware:

Wayne: Or imagine being able to be magically whisked away to...DELAWARE! (sounding totally bored out of his mind) Hi...I'm in Delaware.

Once Bitten (1985)

This movie is pure 80s heroin. This movie is so 80s it'll make you perm your hair, break out your Walkman, and listen to some WHAM!

Besides the pure 80s awesomeness of this movie, its modern appeal is that it's one of Jim Carrey's first starring roles and he plays a virgin AND a vampire...not a typical combo but it's the 80s so ANYTHING GOES! This is your typical 80s low-budget comedy where a bunch of teenagers go on a quest to get laid (sound familiar?). Their quest takes a supernatural twist when they travel to Hollywood (where there's a woman walking a LION on a leash) and run into a hot female vampire who needs to drink the blood of virgins in order to stay young. Hilarity ensues.

Let's do the TOTALLY RADICAL 80S CHECKLIST:

1) Cheesy 80s theme song...CHECK! (Youtube Once Bitten...it's as good as jumping in a Delorean and traveling back to 1985. Everyone in the band, men and women, have hardcore mullets!)

2) Random, nonsensical dance scene where all the extras clear the dance floor and the main characters dance a perfectly choreographed dance number...CHECK! (I've included the Youtube video of the scene below. My favorite part is when Carrey plays his leg like a guitar!)

3) A heroin-thin hot chick with pancake-flat titties...CHECK!

4) Horny sidekicks who spout an endless supply of one-liners...CHECK! ("There's too much pressure about getting laid. It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.")

5) A total lack of black people in places there should obviously be black people...CHECK! (No blacks in Hollywood...hmm...)

6) Insensitive gay jokes that would never fly in today's PC world...CHECK! ("Fag attack! There's a bunch of fags in the shower!")

In addition to all the 80s awesomeness, this movie also serves as a great reminder of a time when Jim Carrey was actually funny. All his trademark moves are there: the T-rex walk, the orangutan walk, the De Niro impression, the reckless falling down, the crazy facials...they're all there to remind us of a magical time when movies like Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man never, ever existed. Watch it!

Why It's Radical: If nothing else, it kicks the shit out of Twilight. This one absolutely reeks of the 80s and it's fun to see Jim Carrey when he was still trying to be funny and succeeding.

Best Quote:

Jamie: This is horrible. This is the suckiest thing ever. The whole school thinks we're...GAY!
Russ: No one's going to think we're gay.
Jamie: This is it. We might as well move in together and buy his and his towels.

Cowboys vs. Aliens vs. Common Sense

I usually don't comment on movies I just saw (the last time I did it was for the overhyped Inception http://captain69sretromoviereviews.blogspot.com/2010/08/inception-most-overrated-movie-of-all.html ), but I'm so offended I felt compelled to rant.

I really wanted to like this movie...I really did. When I first saw the title and the cast I thought, "Yes, sign my ass up." Obviously with the ridiculous title I assumed it would be a fun movie. What I really wanted was for it to be really stupid like Snakes on a Plane or at least fun in the same way Men in Black approached its subject matter, but what I got was a flaming turd on a hot plate.

This movie is not tongue-in-cheek, it is not satire, it is just DUMB! It offended me on a very personal level due to its constant attacks on common sense. They took a ridiculous concept and played it completely straight-laced like a typical POS formulaic modern blockbuster.

This movie suffered from the same problem that many modern alien movies suffer. Here's the logic: If extraterrestrial beings are advanced enough to master intergalactic space travel, that means everything they do has to be on that level. All their technology, their intellect, has to be vastly superior to ours. It's the reason you can't TRAP THEM IN A CLOSET or have their weakness be WATER and send them to a planet that is 70% of their weakness ala Signs which is the worst offender of this principal of all time.

Here are some of the worst "Fuck you, common sense!" moments of the CaA:

1) In the dramatic battle at the end, the aliens go out into the daylight (which they can't see well in by the way) and fight the cowboys and indians in HAND-TO-HAND combat when they have cool lasers and photon guns and shit. Why wouldn't they just unload with their vastly superior firepower and massacre the humans with as little effort as possible? DUMB!

2) Ella claims the aliens can't be allowed to leave the planet or else they'll bring back more of their kind. Uh...don't they have radios or some kind of communication device? You mean to tell me that these creatures have invented intergalactic space travel but they haven't mastered the walkie-talkie? As soon as they found the gold they were looking for, wouldn't they just phone home and let their home planet know they found a shitload of it? RETARDED!

3) Near the end of the film when Jake is trying to escape the alien spacecraft, a dozen aliens descend on him and this is their strategy: Run down an extremely narrow pipe in single file and allow Jake to pick them off one-by-one. Really? That was their plan of attack? Are these the aliens who ride the short spacecraft to school? Why would they do that unless they were stupid but they CAN'T be stupid because THEY'RE ALIENS CAPABLE OF SPACE TRAVEL!

4) Next, (this one just pissed me off) after Ella is injured by the river, she lets Jake carry her fat ass 15 miles across the desert. Then afterwards, she's like "Oh, by the way, I'm an alien and I can heal myself but thanks for hauling me across the desert, bitch." If I was Jake, I would have punched her pretty little eyes through the back of her pretty little skull. TAKE THAT, EXTRATERRESTRIAL HO-BAG!

5) Ella informs Jake that all he has to do to remove the bracelet is clear his mind or some shit. Uh...wouldn't it have fallen off while he was sleeping then or while he was unconscious or while he whacked off (which I assume he did at some point during the events of the movie)? It falls off when he kisses Ella but you can't tell me his mind wasn't racing with the fear of getting alien AIDS at that moment. STUPID!

This movie is the reason I don't review modern movies. By the way, there were a massive amount of SPOILERS in this review so if you didn't want to read them then you shouldn't have read this review. Who cares? It's rubbish anyways. DON'T WATCH IT!

Uncle Buck (1989)

Uncle Buck is one of those subtle comedies that I just have to watch anytime it's on as a Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. It's just a wholesome, fun, family comedy that they don't really make anymore. There's no gross-out humor or sexual innuendo or violence. I would watch it at college a lot because it reminded me of being home and watching movies with my family so it's a sentimental favorite.

Here's the story: Buck Russell is a big, fat unemployed gambler who has to watch his brother's three kids when a medical emergency takes the parents out of the picture. The only problem is that one of these kids, Tia, is a real bitch and she's intent on getting impregnated at the age of 15 so Buck has to run around acting like a total cock block while watching the other two brats. In the end, he learns that having a family ain't all that bad and bangs a ginger woman.

Directed by 80s juggernaut, John Hughes, this is easily one of Candy's best solo performances (Besides Larry Clump of course...). You might notice a young Macaulay Culkin in this one as well in a pre-Home Alone outing. The real star of this film, however, is Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell. This girl is a total CUNT! There's no other way to describe her. Kelly puts in one of the all-time great bitch performances in cinematic history. Watch this movie and try not to hate her...TRY IT!

Here's some shit I love about this movie:

- Buck's car is an absolute BEAST! It's a 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe that backfires with a gunshot and a mushroom cloud of exhaust. Take that EPA!

- Buck's tormenting of Bug (Tia's boyfriend) is legendary ("Ever heard of a ritual killing?"). Who needs a condom when you've got John Candy wielding a hatchet or a power drill?

- For Miles' birthday, Buck makes him a stack of pancakes he has to flip with a snow shovel and I always thought as a kid that that would be just about the most awesome thing ever.

- Buck punches a drunk clown after uttering one of the great lines in cinematic history, "Get in your mouse and get out of here."

Bottom line is if you're looking for a pre-9/11 comedy where the parents are still married and the humor plays off the dialogue and funny situations instead of gross-out humor or obscenities or slapstick then Uncle Buck is what you're looking for.

Why It's Awesome: Great director and a great performance from a genuinely funny comedian. Do we even have funny comedians anymore capable of carrying films on their own? Say Tyler Perry and I'll rip out your intestines and strangle you to death with them.

Best Quote:

Buck walks into the assistant principal's office and is met with a giant mole with a woman attached to it.

Hoargarth: I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck (staring at the mole): I'm Buck Melonoma. Moley Russell's wart.

Rubber (2010)

I DARE YOU to watch this film. I fuckin' double dog dare you. I dare you to watch this movie after watching any of the Transformers movies. Your brain will literally cave in on itself...just crumble like an aging star degenerating into a black hole. After watching something so mind-numbingly STUPID and then to watch this film, an absurdist MASTERPIECE, your brain will shit its pants.

Here's the premise (are you ready?): A killer TIRE named Robert with psychic abilities goes on a killing spree and chases after a girl it's fallen in love with...that's right...a tire...

It sounds like a cheesy horror movie, but it's not. It's a SMART movie. It's aware of how absurd it is and revels in it. The very first thing that happens in the movie is a car appears on a desert road and begins knocking over random chairs that are set up and then a cop gets out OF THE TRUNK and then breaks the 4th wall to address us directly, informing us of the element of NO REASON in popular movies. Anytime you question something that happens in this movie, the answer is NO REASON.

For example, why is the tire watching step aerobics? NO REASON!

Just to give you a taste of how absurd this movie gets, here's a list of things the tire does:

- Blows up a dude's head with his psychic powers after the dude sideswipes him with his car

- Watches a chick shower and stalks her

- Goes swimming

- Dreams about when he was a tire on an actual car

- Gets reincarnated as a tricycle after he's killed

Probably the strangest part of the movie is that the audience are characters in the movie. That's right. The people watching the movie are actually personified in the movie and actually get involved with the action after most of them are poisoned with a giant turkey (you'll want to stop watching at this point but keep going).

Here's the twist, though. NOTHING in this movie happens for NO REASON. This movie is actually a movie about movies, and, more specifically, about the audience and their relationship to movies. There's a reason the tricycle and his army of tires end up in Hollywood at the end. Watch it once to be entertained by the absurdity of it all. Watch it twice for some pretty intelligent commentary. Just go Netflix that shit this very instant!

Why It's Awesome: The killer in this movie is a tire...that's it. That seals the deal right there.

Best Conversation:

Cop: But this is real life, Chad. We've got a dead body over here.

Officer Chad: No. It's not real life. Look at you. You've got a stuffed toy alligator under your arm.

(Cop looks down to notice he suddenly does, in fact, have a stuffed toy alligator under his arm)

Cop (shrugging): So?

The Fly (1986)

If you've ever wanted to watch Jeff Goldblum's face melt off while he's vomiting on donuts, have I got a movie for you!

This is a great and underrated (and disgusting) horror movie of the 80s. The make-up effects put any CGI bullshit to absolute shame. Check out the picture below...(wait for it)...psych! That's not from the film, you dumbass! But it's still a sweet picture nonetheless.

Here's the story: Scientist Seth Brundle (Goldblum) has perfected the world's first working teleportation pods...WIN! So one night after his fuck buddy (Geena Davis) goes to buy some tampons, he gets all drunk and decides to test his pods on his first human subject...himself! Little does he know that there's a fly in the pod with him when he teleports so the dumbass computer fuses Brundle and the fly's DNA together, thus causing Brundle to slowly transform into a giant man/fly hybrid.

I learned a lot about flies from this movie:

1) Flies are all world-class gymnasts and highly adept at the high bars.

2) Flies love candy bars, donuts, and coffee with forty scoops of sugar.

3) Flies can fuck for hours and like cheap sluts who wear jean jackets.

4) Never arm wrestle a fly because it'll rip your bone right out of your fuckin' arm!

5) Flies are totally pro-life conservatives...who knew?

The ending of this movie is pure conservative bullshit. Geena Davis realizes she's pregnant with Brundle's baby and she's afraid she's going to fart out a larva so she goes to get an abortion. Brundlefly is a total pro-lifer so he and Sarah Palin go and kidnap Davis from the evil abortion center. Instead, he plans on fusing he, Davis, and the baby together into a single body so he doesn't have to buy a larger vehicle for family vacations. This is actually something conservatives are trying to get passed. They're pro-life AND pro-fusion.

Why It's Awesome: The film won an Academy Award for Best Make-Up...and with good reason. Watching Goldblum (who is great in this) transform into the fly is truly hideous as he jettisons body parts (including his ear, fingernails, teeth, and eventually his wang) at an alarming rate.

Best Quote:

Brundlefly: I'm saying I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over...and the insect is awake.

Labyrinth (1986)

If you've never seen this movie then your childhood was dog shit.

Now I know what you're gonna ask and the answer is yes, I do know all the lyrics to Magic Dance. I loved this movie as a child and I still refer to my bathroom as The Bog of Eternal Stench.

For those sorry few who have never seen this classic Jim Henson production, here's the rundown: Some 15-year-old cunt on her period (Jennfier Connelly) gets pissed at her infant brother so she wishes for the Goblin King to steal him away and when he does, she throws a bitch fit and wants him back so the Goblin King is all like, "Fine, bitch, if you want him back then all you have to do is make it through my Labyrinth in 13 hours" and she's all like, "Fine. I will."

Did I mention the Goblin King is DAVID BOWIE! That's right...David fuckin' Bowie.

There's one thing that makes this movie great...PUPPETS. Puppets are always > CGI and this movie, above any others, proves that fact. Watch this movie and tell me that Bluto doesn't look better than Smeagol from LOTR or that aborted fetus thing from Harry Potter. Bring back the puppets! Death to shitty CGI!

As for my favorite character, I love the Fiery Gang and Hoggle and Lord Didymus, but there's one character that impresses me above all the others...David Bowie's Bulge. The bulge in that man's pants is hypnotizing (and I say this as a married hetero straight man). Why are his pants so fucking tight in a children's movie? It looks like he's hiding another small infant...IN HIS PANTS! I'm surprised the bulge didn't win an Oscar for biggest bulge in a supporting role.

It's a shame Casey Anthony didn't watch this movie as a child. Then she would have known that if you want to get rid of your infant all you have to do is wish it away to the Goblin Kingdom. It would have saved her a lot of trouble...

Why It's Awesome: The Wizard of Oz + Puppets + David Bowie's Bulge = WIN!

Best Music Lyrics Ever:

Jareth: You remind of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do?
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe!

From Dusk till Dawn (1996)

I wonder if George Clooney ever regrets this one?

I know I'll take some heat for this one, but let me just preface this statement by saying I'm a Tarentino fan and I'm a big Robert Rodriguez guy. I love almost all the shit they've done sans the Spy Kids bullshit on the Rodriguez front. So here's the statement: This is a good movie UNTIL the vampires come into play.

I know senseless violence is at the heart of both Tarentino and Rodriguez's films, but they need to stick to human-on-human violence because the last half of this movie is a FUCKING MESS...and not in a good way. First of all, they totally botch the vampire rules. They're basically using zombie rules where if someone gets bit by a vampire (anywhere...even on the arm) they become a vampire, but that's NOT how you become a vampire, that's how you become a zombie. Becoming a vampire is way more complicated and requires the exchange of blood and filling out a bunch of forms in triplicate. Plus there's no consistancy with how fast people turn. Jacob doesn't turn after being bitten for almost an hour while Frost changes instantaneously. Consistancy, people!

I'm not saying it's a terrible movie; I'm just saying all the FAIL moments cancel out all the WIN moments. For example...

Selma Hayek's boner-inducing dance number in the Titty Twister....WIN!
Juliette "The Other Sister" Lewis taking a dump...FAIL!
George Clooney acting like a badass...WIN!
Quentin Tarantino acting...FAIL!
Clooney using a jackhammer staking machine to dust vamps...WIN!
Sex Machine's dick gun...EPIC FAIL!

I'm a much bigger fan of the first half of the movie where the Geckos hijack the Fuller family and there's some actual character development and tension. That all goes out the window as soon as the crew hit the vampire-infested Titty Twister. Plus, what is with that ending?! The Other Sister is the lone survivor of her family and Clooney and his gay tattoo just leave her there in the desert. He could have at least banged her retarded ass for her troubles...

Why It's Awesome: Classic Tarentino dialogue and Rodriguez violence and Selma Hayek ranking fairly high on my Boner Jams Collection. Plus some of the vamp kills are pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Satanico Pandemonium: Welcome to slavery!
Seth Gecko: No thanks. I've already had a wife.

They Live (1988)

Forget that this movie stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

Forget that this movie contains one of the longest and illogical fights scenes of all time (at five minutes and twenty seconds it may be THE longest fight scene in cinematic history).
Forget that the basis of the movie is that a drifter finds a pair of "special" sunglasses that allows him to see the world for what it truly is, a consumer-based slave ship run by aliens using subliminal messages.

This is a good fuckin' movie because it does what many movies fail to do...it SAYS something.
This movie was made in the late 80s at the height of the yuppie movement that would swell into the net boom of the 90s. It's a movie that warned of the dangers of consumerism and the use of media to control the middle class and turn them into mindless cattle.

Talk about a movie that needs to be remade!

The ten minute section of the film when Piper first finds the sunglasses and wanders around the city seeing the world for what it truly is is one of the most poignant and haunting statements of our modern world ever captured on film. Billboards, magazines, political ads, and television commercials contain subliminal messages such as:

Obey
No Imagination
Surrender
Do not question authority
Consume

And the most telling of all, printed on dollar bills: THIS IS YOUR GOD.

And the scariest part of the whole alien conspiracy is that there are humans who have knowledge of the plot but are actively assisting the aliens for financial gain, selling out their own species for the Almighty Dollar.

If you ask me, we've been sleeping for the past thirty years, refusing to question authority and consuming like the good little sheep that we are. The middle class is dwindling and constantly under attack while the upper class, the ones responsible for the financial crisis, continue to increase their wealth and power base. You don't need a pair of special sunglasses to see the working man is being fucked in the ass but it ain't aliens doing the fucking...

Why It's Awesome: It's social commentary that works. Sure, the movie breaks down into Piper running around with a shotgun with seemingly infinite ammo blasting aliens left and right but the build-up to the senseless action is enough to persuade me to arm myself and form a militia.

Best Quote (a classic...):
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.