The Wicker Man (2006)

Wow...

Wow...

Wow...

Nick Cage is a GOD...of terrible, bat-shit crazy acting performances. And this is his masterpiece.

Wicker Man is one of the all-time best worst movies of all time. Cage deserves every Oscar ever presented to anyone for his performance as a female-beating, bear-suit wearing, totally clueless cop who wants to know HOW'D IT GET BURNED?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'DITGETBURNED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's the movie's attempt at a plot: after experiencing a traumatic and never-fully explained event, Nick Cage receives a letter from an ex-girlfriend who left him at the altar claiming her daughter has been kidnapped on a strange island ruled by man-hating dykes. So even though he has no motivation to go, he travels to the island, where everyone (including the woman he's there to help) refuses to answer ANY of his questions...I mean, these bitches literally won't answer ANYTHING. Every time he asks a question all they do is snort or cough or make some sort of unrecognizable sound...and that's pretty much the entire movie.

During his quest to have someone...ANYONE..answer one of his questions, Cage goes on a rampage of awesomeness that includes the following EPIC acts:

- Pulls a gun on an unarmed woman in order to steal her bike

- Dresses up as a bear and talks on his cell phone

- Roundhouse kicks a woman for being too vague

- Calls an entire classroom of little girls "Little Liars!"

- Delivers an uppercut to a woman just for smiling at him

- Straight up delivers a haymaker to an unsuspecting woman's jaw while dressed up as a bear

- Calls pretty much everyone on the island a bitch

Cage absolutely acts up as storm in this movie as only Nick Cage can. There's a reason why this man owns a dinosaur skull, ladies and gentlemen. His entire performance can be summed up in the scene where these crazy sluts break his leg, and, in order to inform the audience that his leg has just been broken, he screams, "Ow! My leg!" thus indicating that his leg has, in fact, been broken. Now that's acting!

It's pointless to try to describe the absolute whirlwind of acting Cage hurls through the screen so I'm including a Youtube clip of some of his best moments. Enjoy:

Why It's God-Awful: Really this is an allegory of what would happen if women were in charge of our government. There'd be human sacrifices and non-stop Halloween and our only hope would be people like Nick Cage who are willing to uppercut women with no shame and steal their bikes.

Best Quote:

Nick Cage: OH NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! BLH!