Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

I just recently learned that Kurt Russell is, in fact, still alive...which is great.

I haven't watched this movie since I was twelve so I assumed the whole thing would make more sense as I watched it as an adult. Alas...it did not...not at all. I realized this movie's target audience is, surprisingly, 12-year-old boys as it contains ridiculous amounts of gravity-defying kung-fu fighting, machine guns with unlimited ammo, a sorcerer shooting light out of his face, gross floating head blobs, a guy who can blow himself up like a puffer fish, and everyone's favorite 80s whore, Kim Cattrall.

Here's the story if you're not up on the trouble going down in Little China: Jack Burton is a cocky truck driver who stumbles into a Chinese gang war between two factions, one of which is led by a 2000-year-old sorcerer/AIDS patient who must marry a green-eyed Asian chick in order to cure himself of his AIDS and return himself to full strength...or something.

Here's how you know this movie is great: it's directed by legendary B-movie director, John Carpenter. That's right, They Live, Escape from New York, The Thing - all films that were cheated out of Oscars. When it comes to directing, John Carpenter makes Steven Spielberg look like M. Night Shamalaahynnna...h. The movie is cheesy and fun and since Kurt Russel is in it you know not to take it too seriously. Its goal is simple: TO KICK ASS! And it succeeds on every possible level.

You know this movie totally rules because so many later movies and video games totally rip it off. Anyone familiar with the Mortal Kombat game series knows that Raiden is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL RIP-OFF of Lo Pan's henchman, Lightning. They both wear the same stupid hat for Christ's sake! And the crazy fighting from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Stolen from this film that I'm pretty sure originated that sort of thing. And I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that James Cameron got his idea for his blue alien cats from Avatar from reimagining the Beast from this film.

By the way, the scene of Lo Pan's henchman, Thunder, blowing himself up may be THE greatest death in cinematic history. Watch the movie. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Why it's Awesome: The main protagonist, Jack Burton, literally does NOTHING the whole movie except accidentally hurt himself and spout off one-liners the whole movie until he finally kills Lo Pan at the end. It's basically like Lord of the Rings if Frodo was a truck driver, Gandalf shot lightning out of his ass, and instead of elves and dwarves and shit there's nothing but Asians as far as the eye can see.

Best Quote:
Jack: [pointing to a door covered in Chinese writing] What does that say?

Wang: Hell of Boiling Oil.

Jack: You're kidding.

Wang: Yeah, I am. It says keep out.