Labyrinth (1986)

If you've never seen this movie then your childhood was dog shit.

Now I know what you're gonna ask and the answer is yes, I do know all the lyrics to Magic Dance. I loved this movie as a child and I still refer to my bathroom as The Bog of Eternal Stench.

For those sorry few who have never seen this classic Jim Henson production, here's the rundown: Some 15-year-old cunt on her period (Jennfier Connelly) gets pissed at her infant brother so she wishes for the Goblin King to steal him away and when he does, she throws a bitch fit and wants him back so the Goblin King is all like, "Fine, bitch, if you want him back then all you have to do is make it through my Labyrinth in 13 hours" and she's all like, "Fine. I will."

Did I mention the Goblin King is DAVID BOWIE! That's right...David fuckin' Bowie.

There's one thing that makes this movie great...PUPPETS. Puppets are always > CGI and this movie, above any others, proves that fact. Watch this movie and tell me that Bluto doesn't look better than Smeagol from LOTR or that aborted fetus thing from Harry Potter. Bring back the puppets! Death to shitty CGI!

As for my favorite character, I love the Fiery Gang and Hoggle and Lord Didymus, but there's one character that impresses me above all the others...David Bowie's Bulge. The bulge in that man's pants is hypnotizing (and I say this as a married hetero straight man). Why are his pants so fucking tight in a children's movie? It looks like he's hiding another small infant...IN HIS PANTS! I'm surprised the bulge didn't win an Oscar for biggest bulge in a supporting role.

It's a shame Casey Anthony didn't watch this movie as a child. Then she would have known that if you want to get rid of your infant all you have to do is wish it away to the Goblin Kingdom. It would have saved her a lot of trouble...

Why It's Awesome: The Wizard of Oz + Puppets + David Bowie's Bulge = WIN!

Best Music Lyrics Ever:

Jareth: You remind of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do?
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe!