Dead Snow (2009)

There are horror classics like the original Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and Saw...pretty much anything that spawned 37 sequels was probably good in its original incarnation. In honor of Halloween, I decided to review the complete opposite of those movies - that is, a complete crapfest.

And on that note, let's discuss DEAD SNOW, a Norwegian film that gives us not only zombies and not only Nazis but NAZI ZOMBIES! Who could ask for anything more?

Here's the ridiculous premise: A couple of the dumbest medical students on the planet spend their Easter weekend in an isolated cabin in the mountains...little do they know that the mountain is infested with NAZI ZOMBIES who pretty much straight up murder anyone who steals their stolen Jew gold (it's kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean but instead of pirates you have Nazis and instead of Johnny Depp you have some Norwegian janitor who wandered onto a movie set).

Let's do the totally awesome cheesy horror flick check list:

- At least three scenes of people taking a dump...CHECK!

- Absolutely no explanation as to why the Nazis are zombies...CHECK!

- At least five examples of unnecessary and logic defying decisions to "split up"...CHECK!

- Some girl swinging from a mountain by a Nazi zombie's intestines...CHECK!

- A chick having sex with a fat guy WHILE he takes a dump in an outhouse during which she LICKS THE GUY'S FINGERS that he just used to WIPE HIS ASS...that's a big CHECK!

This movie directly lifts scenes from much better movies such as Friday the 13th, Evil Dead, The Descent, and even Shaun of the Dead. And forget about following standard zombie rules. These zombies make use of cheetah speed, binoculars, and camouflage. I guess Nazi zombies are different from your non-fascist zombie varieties.

On a final note, this movie contains the greatest Molotov cocktail FAIL in cinematic history. Watch below and enjoy your craptacular Halloween!

Why it's Awesome: The only movie ever to marry two of the greatest villains in cinema...Nazis and zombies. Really the movie should have just been called Nazi Zombies. Dead Snow tells me nothing and it's stupid. How can snow be dead? Hell, I don't even know what I'm getting with a title like that, but Nazi Zombies...I know exactly what I'm getting and I'm into it...hard!

Best Quote:

Roy: Where the fuck did you get a machine gun? (after seeing his friend show up with a machine gun strapped to the front of his snowmobile).