Cool as Ice (1991)

"Look, Ma! No talent!"

For those of you who thought that Vanilla Ice's pure awesomeness was only reserved for the early 90s rap scene, I present to you a film that answers that burning question that philosophers have been asking themselves for centuries: How cool is Vanilla Ice?

Answer: COOL AS ICE, MOTHA FUCKA!

That's right, someone thought it would be a good idea to put Vanilla Ice in a movie, and, not just put him in the movie like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze ("Ninja! Ninja! Rap!) but to have him STAR in his own movie. Now, imagine how awesome a movie starring Vanilla Ice would be, multiply that by 400 million, and that's how epically sweet COOL AS ICE truly is.

The thing that most people don't understand about this movie is that VI's character "Johnny Van Owen" isn't supposed to be considered an average mortal man. No, he exemplifies the qualities of a mythical man of legend, what Nietzsche called the ubermensch. VI's character is similar to what a modern Jesus would be if Jesus could lay down some sick beats and shave random crop circles into the back of his hair and eyebrow.

Among his many legendary deeds, VI accomplishes the following in epic fashion:

1) Jumps a motorcycle over a fence without the aid of any sort of incline, ramp, or adherence to the laws of physics. He jumps the fence through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. That's COOL AS ICE! Check it out:

2) Woos a female Republican with a 4.0 grade point average by nearly paralyzing her in a horrible horseback riding accident, stealing her black book that contains her "scholorship information," breaking into her house and shoving an ice cube down her throat (yes, this literally happens in the film) and taking her to an active construction site on their first date. How could VI possibly win the heart of any female by committing all these horrible acts? Because he's COOL AS ICE!

3) Changes clothes 40 times a day despite the fact he's on a road trip driving a motorcycle without any luggage of any kind. And I shouldn't have to say this but every outfit he wears, from the jacket that has over 70 phrases printed on it ranging from "Sex me up" to "Yep Yep" to his neon yellow parachute pants and suspenders combo, is COOL AS ICE!

4) Drives his motorcycle through the second story wall of a building. Yep...COOL AS ICE...

Now the reason I haven't described the plot yet is that it's irrelevant because really everything that happens is just an excuse for VI to be awesome. Here's the plot anyway: Vanilla Ice and his crew of black slaves drives their motorcycles into a town of white people who have never seen blacks before where he meets a stuck-up bitch whose father is hiding in the witness protection program from two corrupt cops. You can imagine what happens from there and, rest assured, everything that happens is...well...you can probably guess...

This movie is also infamous for having the greatest tag line of any movie EVER. The tag line is "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice."

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense because everyone knows that if you want to melt a stone, the best way to do that is to use ice...er, wait...does that make sense? Oh well. COOL AS ICE!

Why it's Awesome: I'm serious, Vanilla breaks into this slut's house, literally climbs in through the window, and shoves an ice cube down her throat...it happens! Where the fuck did he even get an ice cube?! Then she wakes up and finds him, a person she just met the previous day, lying in the bed next to her half-naked body. And she's totally into it! Now that's a pimp, my friends!

Best Quote (the infamous):

Ice: Here's some words of wisdom: Drop dat zero. Git wit da hero!