Gremlins (1984)

We're starting off this month of non-traditional Christmas movies with one of the least traditional of all-time, Steven Spielberg's Gremlins, a movie that, on the surface, seems to be about a strange race of creatures who multiply if you don't follow specific rules. What most people don't realize, though, is that this movie is actually an elaborate and perverted metaphor for the dangers of unprotected sex.

Stay with me here...

Our protagonist is a strange man-child named Billy, some loser douche who still lives with his parents and acts like a child but looks like he's about thirty. It's obvious from his demeanor and his Jewfro that he is a hardcore virgin. His love interest is Phoebe Cates, one of the greatest sex icons of the 80s (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, anyone?). It's obvious he has no idea how to handle his dong.

So he receives a gift, a Mogwai named Gizmo, and he's instructed to follow strict rules to ensure its safety and that it doesn't multiply:

1. Don't expose it to bright lights.
2. Don't get it wet.
3. Don't ever let it eat after midnight (which doesn't make sense because at what point can it start eating again?)

In this instance, Gizmo is a metaphor for Billy's johnson.

Billy must learn that there are three strict rules every guy must follow in order to avoid getting chicks pregnant:

1. Never bust inside of a girl no matter how many times she tells you it's ok.
2. Never trust your fate to generic, non-brand name condoms.
3. Never trust a girl who's on birth control or who claims she tracks her period because girls are liars and they're terrible at math.

Billy, of course, does not follow the rules and thus Gizmo multiplies out of control. Gizmo is like Billy's one good kid who is cute and nice and the other gremlins are like his bastard children he has out of wedlock who are all ugly and destructive and throw his good kid down the laundry chute. The metaphor would be more clear if Billy lived in a trailer park or was Puerto Rican but you get the idea.

In the end, Billy murders all of his bastard children in order to avoid getting raped on the monthly child support payments.

I can't believe no one's ever uncovered this elaborate perverted metaphor before.

Oh well...GIZMO!!!

Why It's Awesome: Much like the filthy Disney animated flicks of the late 80s and 90s, here's a family movie with subliminal sexual undertones. At least this one contains an important lesson: like my mother told me when I was a horny teenager, if you're going to take the horse out the barn, saddle up, partner (for those of you who aren't following, the horse is my penis in the metaphor and the saddle is a condom).

Best Quote:

Mr. Futterman: Goddamn foreign TV. I told ya we should've got a Zenith.