The Thing (1982)

In a world with failing economies, governments, and yet another season of Dancing with the Stars, there's really only one thing that can get us through these tough times...and that's MORE KURT RUSSELL! And Captain 69 is here not just to give you more Kurt Russell but BEARDED KURT RUSSELL!

This is it, folks. The Thing is Kurt Russell's magnum opus. This is his Citizen Kane. In all seriousness, this is a sci-fi classic and Russell has plenty of help in this one with John Carpenter directing and Keith David doing his "Keith David" tough black guy shtick.

When I first read the title, I thought "The Thing" referred to Kurt Russell's full, luscious, Chuck Norris-like beard, but it's actually an alien that shows up at an Antarctic research facility in the form of a dog and then just totally starts assimilating people. The best part is none of the dudes at the facility know who is The Thing and who isn't so Kurt Russell and his beard just start killing everyone.

Here are a few reasons why The Thing is a sweet ass movie:

1) Kurt Russell's beard

2) There are NO WOMEN in the entire film so you know it's gonna be hardcore

3) Two...count 'em...TWO black guys survive until the very end of the film. This is the first film that this ever happened and it's never happened since.

4) The special effects (non-CGI) are totally disgusting. When The Thing starts assimilating people it looks like a gross vagina giving birth to a smaller, even grosser vagina

5) The title is the most ambiguous title ever except for Them (which is actually about giant ants)

6) No movie does a better job of acting as a larger metaphor for the Cold War

7) The ending is one of the most depressing, bleak endings of any movie ever

8) Kurt Russell's beard is so thick and full I want to curl up and take a nap in it

Everything is spot on in this one. The music, the atmosphere, the special effects, the acting...it's all great. Sure, it has some similarities to Alien (a few people try to survive an alien attack trapped in an isolated environment), but it works so who gives a shit? If you're watching it for the first time, try not to feel actual anxiety as you attempt to figure out who's been infected and who isn't. The paranoia just oozes off the screen.

Let's just pray they never try to remake this one...wait, what's that? There's a prequel coming out next month?

....fuck.

Why It's Awesome: See the picture above and tell me it's not awesome. Sure there's an amazing blend of sci-fi, mystery, and horror elements but isn't Kurt Russell's beard enough?

Best Quote:
Clark: I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.