Cowboys vs. Aliens vs. Common Sense

I usually don't comment on movies I just saw (the last time I did it was for the overhyped Inception http://captain69sretromoviereviews.blogspot.com/2010/08/inception-most-overrated-movie-of-all.html ), but I'm so offended I felt compelled to rant.

I really wanted to like this movie...I really did. When I first saw the title and the cast I thought, "Yes, sign my ass up." Obviously with the ridiculous title I assumed it would be a fun movie. What I really wanted was for it to be really stupid like Snakes on a Plane or at least fun in the same way Men in Black approached its subject matter, but what I got was a flaming turd on a hot plate.

This movie is not tongue-in-cheek, it is not satire, it is just DUMB! It offended me on a very personal level due to its constant attacks on common sense. They took a ridiculous concept and played it completely straight-laced like a typical POS formulaic modern blockbuster.

This movie suffered from the same problem that many modern alien movies suffer. Here's the logic: If extraterrestrial beings are advanced enough to master intergalactic space travel, that means everything they do has to be on that level. All their technology, their intellect, has to be vastly superior to ours. It's the reason you can't TRAP THEM IN A CLOSET or have their weakness be WATER and send them to a planet that is 70% of their weakness ala Signs which is the worst offender of this principal of all time.

Here are some of the worst "Fuck you, common sense!" moments of the CaA:

1) In the dramatic battle at the end, the aliens go out into the daylight (which they can't see well in by the way) and fight the cowboys and indians in HAND-TO-HAND combat when they have cool lasers and photon guns and shit. Why wouldn't they just unload with their vastly superior firepower and massacre the humans with as little effort as possible? DUMB!

2) Ella claims the aliens can't be allowed to leave the planet or else they'll bring back more of their kind. Uh...don't they have radios or some kind of communication device? You mean to tell me that these creatures have invented intergalactic space travel but they haven't mastered the walkie-talkie? As soon as they found the gold they were looking for, wouldn't they just phone home and let their home planet know they found a shitload of it? RETARDED!

3) Near the end of the film when Jake is trying to escape the alien spacecraft, a dozen aliens descend on him and this is their strategy: Run down an extremely narrow pipe in single file and allow Jake to pick them off one-by-one. Really? That was their plan of attack? Are these the aliens who ride the short spacecraft to school? Why would they do that unless they were stupid but they CAN'T be stupid because THEY'RE ALIENS CAPABLE OF SPACE TRAVEL!

4) Next, (this one just pissed me off) after Ella is injured by the river, she lets Jake carry her fat ass 15 miles across the desert. Then afterwards, she's like "Oh, by the way, I'm an alien and I can heal myself but thanks for hauling me across the desert, bitch." If I was Jake, I would have punched her pretty little eyes through the back of her pretty little skull. TAKE THAT, EXTRATERRESTRIAL HO-BAG!

5) Ella informs Jake that all he has to do to remove the bracelet is clear his mind or some shit. Uh...wouldn't it have fallen off while he was sleeping then or while he was unconscious or while he whacked off (which I assume he did at some point during the events of the movie)? It falls off when he kisses Ella but you can't tell me his mind wasn't racing with the fear of getting alien AIDS at that moment. STUPID!

This movie is the reason I don't review modern movies. By the way, there were a massive amount of SPOILERS in this review so if you didn't want to read them then you shouldn't have read this review. Who cares? It's rubbish anyways. DON'T WATCH IT!