Face/Off (1997)

To cancel out the general pussyness of Valentine's Day, I'm watching MAN MOVIES this month.

I'm starting the month with one of the greatest and least plausible action movies of the late 90s, Face/Off starring two of the most over-the-top actors of the 90s, John Travolta and the emperor of over-the-top performances, the man who owns a dinosaur skull, Nick Cage!

The movie premise is ludicrous...and awesome in its absurdity. After finally capturing the man who killed his son, Sean Archer, the head of a secret anti-terrorist organization, must cut off the face of his arch-nemesis, Castor Troy (totally sweet name, by the way) and wear it around while pretending to be Castor in an overly elaborate scheme to convince Castor's brother to give up the location of a bomb planted SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles.

Of course, then Castor wakes up from his coma and is super pissed to discover he no longer has a face so HE starts wearing Archer's face and becomes HIM so the two mortal enemies have become each other and since they're both totally pissed off they have to have a FACE OFF!

What I'm trying to tell you is that the plot doesn't matter; it's just an excuse to blow shit up and have everyone fire bullets at each other in slow motion while doves fly all over the place.

Speaking of doves, the movie is directed by over-the-top action specialist, John Woo, so you know exactly what to expect. Here's the totally kick-ass John Woo action movie checklist:

1) Barrels of gasoline sitting around for no apparent reason other than to be blown up....CHECK!

2) A bad guy who wields double pistols and makes heavy use of an infinite ammo cheat....CHECK!

3) Slow motion explosions, walking, gun battles...pretty much anything that looks cooler slower...CHECK!

4) Doves flying around inside a building (also in slow motion, mind you) for no other reason than to look cool flapping around during a Mexican stand-off...CHECK!

The action sequences in this scene are rather boss. Let's see...

There's the opening capture of Castor Troy at the airport...which is AWESOME!

There's the escape from the super-secret hidden prison from which there is no escape...which is AWESOME!

But the MOST awesome action scene is the raid on Dietrich's drug den when drug dealers and SWAT team members and hookers are all getting shot up while "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays in the background. What better song to be the soundtrack to a hooker's death than "Somewhere Over the Rainbow?"

Now I know this movie is over-the-top action movie madness, but there are a few things that I can't let fly without mentioning.

The first is the weird wiping-the-hand-down-people's-faces thing that the Archer family does. This is obviously supposed to fit into the theme of faces and all, but if someone in my family tried to drag their hand down the front of my face, I would bite their fucking fingers off.

The other thing that always bothers me is that while Castor is wearing Archer's face, he bangs Archer's wife. Ok. I get that he looks like Archer and he sounds like Archer, but are we meant to believe that these men have identical wangs as well? C'mon! Mrs. Archer had to notice that that was not her husband's cock. And do they fuck exactly the same? Wake up, lady! That is not your husband's cock in your mouth and now you have the herp!

Oh, and finally, I hate the ending where Archer replaces his dead son with Castor's estranged (and now orphaned) son, thus inviting into his family the son of the man who killed his son. What?

Still, one cannot fault a movie that allows Nicholas Cage to play not one but TWO parts in the same movie. I'm still waiting for a movie where ALL the parts are played by Nick Cage. Being Nick Cage! Someone make that shit happen!

Why It's Awesome:

John Travolta and Nick Cage face off in a totally unrealistic John Woo 90s action movie. WIN!

Best Quote:

{Dr. Walsh is brought in front of Castor Troy, who no longer has a face}
Dr. Walsh: What do you want?
Troy: Take one goddamn guess!