300 (2006)

This month Captain 69 is viewing MAN MOVIES...movies that kick ass and demand their women march into the kitchen and make a baby and a chicken pot pie!

We're starting with one of the few manly, badass offerings of the oughts, 300.

Based on one of the most hardcore battles ever in history (The Battle of Thermopylae) and later turned into a hardcore graphic novel by legendary Frank Miller, how could this film not be a total erection-inducing, testosterone-filled manfest (That description made it sound like a gay porno, didn't it?)? You've got 300 dudes born to do nothing but kick ass against almost 200,000 future corpses. Is it historically accurate? Hell no, but who gives a shit? In fact, it doesn't have to be because the entire movie is the recollection of the one-eyed Spartan telling the story to inspire his troops at the end. Clever...

This movie includes everything that is considered manly. Let's do the manly man movie checklist...

- Dude has sex with a hot chick (including from behind)...CHECK!

- Dude fails to listen to reason and solves his problems with unnecessary violence...CHECK!

- Dude ignores overwhelming odds and relies on his ability to kick ass in slow motion...CHECK!

- Dude kills innocent animals and discriminates against the disabled...CHECK!

- Dude refuses to surrender (in spite of reasonable and lucrative terms offered) and instead chooses to die in a blaze of glory after uttering many manly catchphrases...CHECK!

It's no wonder that many of the actors have gone on to star in Spartacus, which is television's most hardcore and manly show (and also a total rip-off, stylistically, of 300). Unfortunately, life was not as kind to Gerard Butler, who played second fiddle to Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter and totally ruined his badass image for all time. SHAME!

On a final note, it's strange how some of the manliest movies are also the gayest. The entire movie features a bunch of totally ripped, sweaty dudes walking around with no shirts the entire movie. It makes me feel good to know that there are films that gay men and straight men can sit and enjoy together. I don't know why I'm ending this post with probably the least manly observation but oh well...

Why It's Awesome: This movie is pure action. These fucking Spartans kill everyone. They kill messengers, they kill slaves, they kill "immortal" soldiers with totally fucked up faces, they kill a huge ogre-type demon dude, they kill a rhino, two elephants, and a dozen horses. They kill EVERYONE! And then they get killed, too. The total body count is 500+. That's an action movie! EVERYONE SHOULD DIE!

Best Quote (this one's easy...):

Leonides: Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for tonight, we dine in hell!