Total Recall (1990)

"TWO WEEKS!"

I've had a bad taste in my mouth ever since reviewing Running Man, which is easily one of my least favorite Arnold flicks, mainly because I'm a huge Arnold mark, but, c'mon, those fucking tight-ass jumpsuits? There are some things of Arnold I just don't want to see.

But Total Recall? This is Arnold and sci-fi done right. Most of Arnold's best movies fall into the sci-fi genre (Predator, Terminator, Total Recall) with the exception of Commando (the greatest over-the-top action movie of all time).

"TWO WEEKS!"

Let's do the action movie checklist:

Arnold...CHECK!

Hot-ass 80's slut (Sharon Stone)...CHECK!

Arnold using a guy as a human shield for an inordinate amount of time...CHECK!

A chick with three tits...CHECK!

Some gross Siamese fetus who lives in another's dude's chest...CHECK!

Arnold killing a guy with a giant drill...CHECK!

Arnold saying cool stuff when he kills someone ("See you at the party, Richter!")...CHECK!

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty sweet-ass rundown. This is what a sci-fi action movie should be. And the special effects? For 1990, they don't get much better than this. In the first scene when the glass on Arnold's helmet breaks and his neck muscles contract and his eyes bulge out of his head, you're all like, "Oh, man, that's awesome. Look at his eyes. They're all bulgy and shit."

Unfortunately, this movie is often overshadowed by James Cameron's sci-fi action masterpiece Terminator 2, but give Total Recall its due. This is Arnold at his best and a perfect example of why when it came to 90's action flicks, Arnold was the king.

Why It's Awesome: Action, adventure, mystery, and a mutant chick with three tits. Plus, the story ain't bad for a sci-fi flick. Was the entire adventure real or nothing more than the wet dream of a lobotimized Quaid? Hmmm...maybe too deep for an Arnold flick.

Best Quote:

Mars Customs Agent: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Excuse me?

Quaid in Disguise: TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEKS! TWWWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEKSSSSS!