"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
I just watched the theatrical trailer for the new Robocop (2014), and it's amazing how they can make any movie look decent in a trailer. What's even MORE amazing is that the new Robocop looks like shit even in the trailer...which is not a great sign of things to come.
Why mess with perfection? The original Robocop is a masterpiece of action sci-fi goodness. It's one of the few memorable films lacking a genuine movie star. It's also great social commentary and turned out to be quite prophetic.
Let's compare the two movies, basing the quality of the new movie solely on the trailer (which I think seems fair).
Background:
In the original, Detroit is a bankrupt city that has become a cesspool of crime where greedy corporations have taken over public services like the police and ruined them with their corporate bullshit. Umm...did they nail it or what? The new one is about drones or something. DUMB!
The original Robocop looked like a badass cyborg who would shoot you in the dick if you tried to rape a bitch. The new Robocop looks like a gay robot who rapes motorcycles.
The Bad Guys
The original features the corporate dickhead, Dick Jones, and...wait...is that Red from That 70s Show? That's awesome. Who's the new one got? Probably someone stupid. Wait...is that Michael Keaton? Wow...all right. I'm still going to give the edge to the original because it had Red. Booya!
The Violence
The original is one of the most violent action movie of the 80s. They had to tone it down just to avoid an X rating. Murphy's death is one of the most explicit deaths in cinema. He gets shot 347 times with shotguns while Red and the gang laugh their asses off. That sets the stage for a very personal journey of revenge. In the new PG-13 movie, Murphy "dies" in a car bomb...which is easily the LEAST personal way to die. Who does he want revenge on? The car? And, oh, by the way, a dude get drenched in acid and then hit by a car and he explodes...so violent and awesome.
So the answer is clear: The original is superior in every single way. You can throw in Gary Oldman or Samuel L. Jackson (who is in every single movie anyway), but none of that shit matters. You can't remake an action movie that already achieved awesomeness (Total Recall anyone?). They should just trash the entire movie. Don't waste your time.
Why It's Awesome:
A robot cop takes down corporate douchebags. One can dream...
Best Quote:
Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar!
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