Army of Darkness (1992)

Hail to the king, baby...

If the difference in tone was significant between the original Evil Dead and its sequel, then be prepared to enter a different universe with Army of Darkness. In fact, I have to agree with the fans who say this shouldn't even be counted as an Evil Dead movie. It's not. Bruce Campbell isn't even acting here. He's not Ash...he's fucking BRUCE CAMPBELL. The opening even says, "Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness."

Sure, we get one outing with the Evil-cam but all the original horror elements have vanished here (including the over-the-top gore), replaced with ridiculous slapstick comedy (Ash vs. tiny Ash clones and then Ash vs. skeleton mannequins) and one-liners spit out by a hardcore action hero equipped with a chainsaw and his trademark, "boomstick."

There's a reason Army of Darkness is a cult classic...mainly because it's FUCKING AWESOME! This movie kicks the shit out of basically every movie made between the years 2000 - 2010. At no point was this trying to be anything but campy action fun featuring Bruce Campbell. I don't even think this movie was made to make money (an impossible feat by today's standards). It just seems like a movie where a bunch of buddies got together with millions of dollars and said, "Let's make a movie that kicks ass about Bruce fighting a bunch of skeleton dummies and throw in some cheap claymation." And you know what? They succeeded.

No one can watch this movie and not have fun. I watched this movie with my wife (who is a big fan of another Raimi project, Xena: Warrior Slut) and even she enjoyed it. Of course, that could have something to do with her being wet for Bruce Campbell, but, in all fairness, who ISN'T wet for Bruce Campbell? Fuck, I'm wet for Bruce Campbell. Groovy...

Why It's Awesome: Two Words...Bruce Campbell.

Best Quotes (Here we go...):

"You see this? This is my BOOMSTICK!"

"Shop smart...shop S-Mart."

"You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

"Honey, you got real ugly."

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)

Groovy...

Wow. Talk about a major difference in tone! The first Evil Dead was a straight up B horror flick (with a tree raping scene). Evil Dead II, however, is such an odd blend of horror and humor that there's literally no movie it can be compared to. Evil Dead is essentially its own genre.

I will say that The Three Stooges inspired most of this movie's humor, BUT...(wait for it)...the comedic scenes were my LEAST favorite parts of the movie. In fact, I found the first forty minutes of the film difficult to watch. We get a fast-forward retelling of the original movie in the first five minutes and then the next half hour is Ash's one man show (Ash trying to escape, Ash fighting a head, Ash fighting a headless body, Ash fighting his own hand, etc.)

The major gripe I have with the first act of the film is that it has absolutely NO direction. A story is almost non-existent until we see Annie and her brother traveling to the cabin. Ash doesn't seem to have any plan for escaping the cabin or surviving the Deadite invasion. In fact, the FIRST time the movie feels like it has any objective is when Ash and Annie need to descend into the cellar to retrieve the pages from the Book of the Dead and that's 20 minutes before the end of the movie.

Of course, this flick is a classic for a reason. The character of Ash has evolved, ladies and gentleman. We no longer have the sopping wet pussy from the first film. No, sir, Ash is a hardcore badass by the time the credits roll at the end of the second movie and yes, I will admit that when Ash attached that chainsaw to his hand and sawed off the barrel of that shotgun, I did sprout a groovy boner right there on the spot. The camera work is still mind-blowing, especially the scene where the Evil chases Ash through the cabin...another boner-inducing moment. And the gore, yes, the gore is absolutely insane. When Jake gets sucked down into the fruit cellar and a torrential spray of blood erupts from the cellar door like he's being shoved into a giant paper shredder, that was an EPIC WIN for horror gore-fans everywhere.

And the ending left me thirsty for Army of Darkness and the conclusion of the series. Hail to the king, baby!

Why It's Awesome: If you tell me to picture the most hardcore badass I could possibly imagine, it's a man with a chainsaw for a hand and armed with a sawed-off shotgun and that's exactly what we get in this movie.

Best Quote: Although I love "Groovy," I'm going to have to go with...

Henrietta: Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh sooooooul!

Evil Dead (1981)

This is what a low-budget horror movie should be.

I've never seen the Evil Dead trilogy in its entirety so I decided to make it my mission to watch Bruce Campbell's magna opus. Obviously the first film of the trilogy is the rawest of the bunch, encumbered with a low budget, poor acting, and limited locales, but, God, what Sam Raimi does well, he does very well. Some people seem to forget that before all the over-the-top violence and Ash's ascension to campy action hero, The Evil Dead was just another horror flick working on a limited budget and Ash was kind of a bitch.

Some of this movie's obvious weaknesses (the most obvious being the low budget) are also its greatest strengths. The fact that the Evil Force is nothing more than a shaky camera creates a real sense of horror in this film, most likely because Raimi is such a master behind the camera. The effects are cheesy and the gore is over the top, but the movie rides the line between horror and comedy so well that it all works perfectly.

And then there's Bruce Campbell. Really, ignoring his legacy, through the first half of this film, Campbell is painfully average until he's the last man standing and everyone else is a creepy, flesh-eating psycho. And that's when he steps up his game to LEGENDARY status because you can tell he's working his ASS OFF to make this film work in spite of all its shortcomings. At no point does he come off as anything but a complete pussy during the course of this film and yet, you're still rooting for him to make it. He gets his ass handed to him by every zombie teen in the movie until he's drenched in blood and he just keeps on ticking. Once you add in the funny one-liners, there won't be anything to stop him...

Oh, and then there's the tree raping scene. How could this not become a classic?

Why It's Awesome: The beginning of the Bruce Campbell legend, complete with a book made of human skin, tree-raping, ankles being stabbed with pencils, and dismemberment. And it only gets better from here...

Best Quote: Nope...not quite yet. We'll fill this section quite a bit with the next installment...

The Human Centipede: The First Sequence (2009)

There are some movies that should not be viewed by anyone, not because it's disgusting or violent but because the entire movie is based off an idea thought up by a guy who was drunk and stumbled out of a bar and just blurted out some random bullshit and then made an hour and a half movie based off that stupid bullshit.

In this case, Tom Six stepped out of a bar and said, "Yo, man, wouldn't - wouldn't it be fucked up if three people were connected mouth to anus and had to walk around like - fuck I don't even know what...I guess like - like a human centipede? Wouldn't that be fucked up?"

That's what this movie is about. I was told I "had to see it" so I saw it and it was fucking terrible. The acting is awful, the story is nonexistent, and the characters are stupid cliches. The one thing it does have going for it, however, is three people connected mouth-to-anus and crawling around like a human centipede. If that's something you're interested in seeing, then, yes, this movie is for you. If you enjoy things like character development, a coherent storyline, or any sense of medical realism.

The opening of the movie pretty much sums up the intelligence level of the entire movie. Two stupid American bitches go to Europe, drive around in the country without a GPS, get lost, suffer a flat tire, run through the dark woods to "safety" and the one house they finally come upon is owned by a mad scientist obsessed with creating a human centipede...and it never gets better from there.

The only bright spot is the creepy performance by Dieter Laser. For a movie about an operation involving mouth-to-anus connections, he plays the part straight-faced and comes across as a real psycho.

But seriously, this movie is just shocktastic bullshit in the same vein as Saw and Hostel. Save some time and stick your hand in the blender. It's pretty much the same damn thing.

One Bright Spot: The title tells you exactly what you're going to get: a human centipede. It's not like you can claim you don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Best Quote:

Me: What the fuck was that?! (Me after watching it.)

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Only in the 80s could Hollywood make a movie based on trading cards ripped off of a popular toy. I used to love the trading cards when I was a kid. They were totally disgusting and just plain weird. I'm not sure why they were marketed to kids because they were totally inappropriate for young children.

So...yeah...this movie totally blows. I literally said, "What the fuck?!" aloud 19 times during my viewing. The main "story" (if that's what you want to call it) centers around the liberation of seven disgusting midget puppets from a single garbage can; these midgets possess various disgusting habits ranging from farting to blowing snot to vomiting to pissing...oh, and then there's a giant baby, a greaser, and a fucking alligator named...wait for it...Ali Gator. FAIL!

Literally nothing in this movie makes sense. Let me just list some of the major offenses:

1) The main character, Dodger, is a 14-year old boy who's love interest is a 30-year old woman.

2) Dodger doesn't seem to have any parents or a home to live in. He simply works for a creepy magician who I assume molests him.

3) Dodger is routinely assaulted by 30-year old street thugs who run an underground shitty clothes ring. No police seem to be present...EVER.

4) No one seems to acknowledge or recognize the fact that Tangerine's clothes look like absolute dogshit...even for 80s standards.

5) The musical score is basically a note-for-note ripoff of the 48 Hours theme song.

6) The Garbage Pail Kids don't seem to care that they've been wrongfully imprisoned for what I assume to be years by Captain Manzini in a garbage can that somehow holds seven midgets.

And I could go on like that forever but I won't. There are some parts of this movie that are so dumb they're hilarious. The names of the locations are so blunt that they deserve a chuckle. The locations include "The Sweatshop," "The Toughest Bar in the World," and "The State Home for the Ugly" where ugly people are straight-up murdered. The prisoners include a clown, a caveman, and Santa Clause. Take that Saint Nick!

Why It Sucks Donkey Balls: These midget puppets are just plain creepy. Their mouths don't even match up with what they're saying. Then there's the music, the acting, the story, the directing, and pretty much anything else between the opening credits and the end credits is just plain garbage pail bullshit.

Best Quote:

Blythe: Those are my kinds of guys - real psychos.

Tangerine: Watch it, Blythe, Juice is mine!

The Running Man (1987)

Trust me, we're only a few years away from seeing The Running Man as an actual reality show. All you'd have to do is add murder into The Amazing Race and you'd be there. This quote from Killian is great:

"This is television. It has nothing to do with people, it's to do with ratings!"

Perfect. Television nowadays is absolute dogshit and it has everything to do with trying to get as many stupid people to sit and stare at a magical picture box for as long as possible. That's why I prefer movies. Movies end. Television doesn't. After one shitty show there's another and another and another.

But I digress.

The Running Man is one of Arnold's worst action outings of the 80's. The movie is just so fucking cheesy and the one liners don't make ANY sense whatsoever. Check this out:

Arnold kills an Asian hockey player (HUH?!) named Sub-zero by wrapping barbed wire around his neck and then says, "Killian, here's your Sub-zero...now plain zero." Terrible...just terrible (and by terrible I don't mean in a terribly EPIC Commando-way, I mean it's just fucking stupid.) And seriously, how many Asians play ice hockey?

And here's where this movie really fails: It's called The Running Man and it stars Arnold...what?! Arnold doesn't run from danger, he runs over it and stomps on its esophagus. The entire movie is him running around a garbage dump wearing a full-size body condom and looking like a sopping wet vagina as he complains about the Uplink. The big showdown is him vs. a game show host. I'm sorry, Arnold, but you've had better days.

Why It Doesn't Completely Suck: Say what you will about the action, but you can't deny that Arnold's little minority love interest looks hot in that little black nightie. Arnold liked his women spicy and ethnic in his action flicks. The Running Man, Predator, and Total Recall all have Arnold eating tacos...

Best Quote:

Arnold: I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!

Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)

This is a movie that has grown on me over time. No, it's not Die Hard (the single greatest action movie ever made), but it's a fun movie with plenty of action and a great buddy-comedy dynamic. Before we go any further, let's do the order:

1) Die Hard

2) Die Hard with a Vengeance

3)Die Hard 2: Die Harder

4: Die Hard: Die Hardest

5: Live Free or Die Hard

Talk about great fucking movie titles. Die Hard with a Vengeance is the single greatest sequel title ever written by man. Imagine how much more successful other movies would be if they followed Die Hard's formula. Toy Story hit it big at the box office over the summer, but how huge would it have been if it had been called Toy Story...WITH A VENGEANCE!

But on to the movie. The first hour of this thing is stellar...just non-stop action. We've got John McClane back in New York, teaming up with the greatest black sidekick of the 90's, Samuel L. Jackson, running around solving riddles spun by the voice of Scar from Lion King, Jeremy Irons. Beast! Is there a more creative scene in any movie than John McClane walking around Harlem wearing a sandwich board that reads "I HATE NIGGERS"? If there is, I sure as hell haven't seen it. And the insane drive through Central Park? Just great stuff here.

But after the first hour, things start to fall apart. They stray from the original script and it's obvious because the riddles (which were the most interesting part of the first hour) disappear and are replaced by your usual cliche 90's action scenes. Sure, the elevator fight scene is badass, but, following the subway blast, things go downhill fast until they bottom out at the "Nuking the Fridge" moment with John surfing a dump truck...yeah...

And the ending? What the fuck happened? The entire finale at the truck depot is an EPIC FAIL! They should have stuck with the original ending where Simon gets away with the heist and John meets up with him at a bar and they play a game of chicken with a Chinese rocket launcher. Now that's worth a YIPPEE KI AYE, MOTHER FUCKER!

Why It's Awesome: The moral of the movie is simple: Don't go to school or you'll die in a terrible Jell-O explosion. Zues encourages his nephews to go to school and they almost die. This is a movie every child should see.

Best Quote Besides Yippee-Kai-Aye, mother fucker:

Simon (on the walkie-talkie): Nils, you can close up now. [no response] Nils!

McClane (on walkie-talkie): Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head!

Over The Top (1987)

If you see only one arm wrestling/child custody movie in your lifetime, make it...OVER THE TOP! It's basically Kramer vs. Kramer...WITH ARM WRESTLING!

Seriously, Stallone has been in some amazing, classic movies, but he's also made some super dog shit that would make regular dog shit gag and vomit. Over the Top is one of his most ridiculous POS movies with some of the WORST 80's music you will ever hear. Just listening to "Meet Me Halfway" by Kenny Loggins will make any real man's penis shrink and shrivel to the size of a millipede. Meet me halfway...across the sky! Umm...no thanks, Kenny. I'm fine right here.

The premise is just plain stupid. A trucker tries to reconnect with his wet, sopping pussy of an estranged son when his ex-wife contracts super AIDS and does so by kidnapping him from his military school (where apparently being a pussy is tolerated) and driving him cross-country in his semi-truck...oh yeah, did I mention that this trucker, Lincoln Hawk (or Hawkes as he's called in the middle of the movie for no reason) is a member of an underground trucker's arm-wrestling circuit? No? I left that little nugget of chocolaty crappiness out? My apologies. After all, the arm-wrestling is at the heart of the movie...that is if this movie had a heart. Bull Hurley arm-wrestled the movie's heart in a double-elimination tournament since it had no shittin' business being in the same room as him.

The best part of the movie is watching the actors' sweat stains grow and expand faster than the super AIDS infesting Hawk's wife's immune system. Like in the scene where Bull enters the diner. When he walks through the door, his shirt is speckled with sweat. Then he walks over to Hawk's pussy of a son and there's a pool of sweat on his shirt. When he finally confronts Hawkes, his shirt has gone from gray to dark gray because the entire thing is nothing but sweat! I got ten bucks says that set smelled worse than the set of Babe.

Why It's Worth Watching: Definitely one of the top three arm-wrestling movies ever made.

Best Conversation:

The Smasher: You Hawkes?

(No response)

The Smasher: I said, are you Hawkes?

Hawk: Who wants to know?

The Smasher: Well I'm the Smasher.

Hawk: Nice name.

The Smasher: Word on the road is you're the man to beat.

Hawk: Can't believe everything you hear.

The Smasher: I DON'T! I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING! I got a grand says I can rip your arm off. Do you want it? I SAID, DO YOU WANT IT?!

Hawk: Why not?

The Smasher: All right! Let's get this table set up!

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

When you talk about the greatest comedies of the 90's, Dumb and Dumber has to be part of the conversation, if not the horse to beat. It set the bar for wacky, slapstick comedies starring idiots that would follow such as Tommy Boy and There's Something About Mary. Basically all they did was make Homer Simpson a real person, duplicate him, and make an hour and a half movie about them...genius.

I don't know anyone who is worth anything who doesn't know a Dumb and Dumber quote. Let me hit you with a few:

- "We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

- "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

- "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!"

- "Just when I thought you could possibly do anything dumber, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

This is another one of those movies that they play on TBS every fucking weekend so these quotes have become ingrained in people's heads. My college roommate loved this movie so much and had seen it so many times that he would get drunk and then recite the movie, line for line from beginning to end and not only that, but he would SING THE LYRICS TO THE TRANSITION SONGS BETWEEN SONGS. Now that is fucking impressive...and also a little sad.

The entire movie is hilarious from beginning to end and it possesses just enough plot to keep the whole thing moving along. No other actor could be Lloyd Christmas and Jeff Daniels is the perfect compliment to the facial expressions. Watch the movie and laugh your ass off!

Why It's Awesome: Two idiots on a cross-country trip with a suitcase full of money and riding on a gas-powered moped...genius in an idiotic sort of way.

Most Irreverent and Pointless Yet Still Hilarious Quote:

Lloyd: Hey guy! Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? (pause) Welp...see ya later!

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Mind Fuck Alert!

Mind Fuck Alert!

I saw this movie for the first time in the theater and when I got back home, my buddy asked me how it was and I said, "I have no fucking idea." It took me another week to decide whether or not I enjoyed the movie or not. And it took me another two viewings to finally make a final judgment on this movie...and here it is.

I hate Tom Cruise.

I hate Cameron Diaz.

I love this movie.

This is one of those movies that there is absolutely NO WAY you can guess what's happening until they explain it at the end. No way in hell can you guess that Citizen Dildo is actually dead and frozen, waiting to be reanimated and having a fucked up wet dream gone wrong. But that's not what makes this movie enjoyable.

This is one of the few movies where I actually FEEL something at the end. You have this rich asshole who meets this amazing Spanish chick and spends one amazing night with her but then makes the mistake of getting into a vehicle with a crazy chick who tries to kill him. But that's all their relationship ever is in reality...that one, perfect night.

But in David's dream, they have this elaborate, passionate relationship that seems to end when David tweeks out and murders her thinking she's Julie. And that would be sad enough but then you realize at the end that the relationship never happened in the first place. None of it happened. His one great love, it was nothing but a dream. And that's the saddest part of the whole thing - that the happiest part of his life was a fantasy. And even if he returns to life, Sophia is long dead. His chance for true love is gone...and that's worth some real emotion.

Why It's Awesome: A fucked up movie with a creative storyline and bizarre mix of reality and fantasy. And no one plays "going out of his mind" better than Tom Cruise.

Best Quote: Sophia: I'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats!

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Movie buffs always sing the praises of Pulp Fiction as Quentin Tarentino's masterpiece, but I'll take me some Reservoir Dogs any day of the week. It's just so fucking raw and violent and cool. Without this movie, there is no Pulp Fiction.

The characters are all so generic at first in their identical suits and sunglasses, but the character development throughout the movie is simply amazing. We've got the high-strung Mr. Pink (Could anyone have played this part better than Steve Buscemi?), the fraternal Mr. White, the psychotic Mr. Blonde (having his name be the only one that's not actually a color...brilliant), the cool undercover cop, Mr. Orange, and the rest of the color spectrum.

Whenever you discuss a Tarentino movie, you have to mention the dialogue. Tarentino's dialogue has a rhythm and a beat all its own. The opening conversation about the real meaning of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" might be the single best opening dialogue in cinematic history, followed closely by Mr. Pink's explanation as to why he refuses to tip (I use his "Learn to fucking type" line whenever I explain why a 20% tip is ludicrous). There's just so many quality lines in this movie it's really unbelievable.

And if it's Tarentino, you know it's going to be a fucking bloodbath. This one is a literal bloodbath as Mr. Orange gushes...gushes SHIT nearly the entire movie until he's bathing in his own blood. And of course we can't forget about the ear scene, the most famous scene in the movie. It's tame by today's standards but the sight of Marvin Nash's deformed head still makes me cringe.

This is a movie made for men who like movies. Not a single fucking woman says a single line in the entire film...now that's a man movie! My favorite of Tarentino's work and a clinic on how to make a quality independent flick.

Why It's Awesome: One of the coolest movies ever made. Guys in suits and shades shoot cops and steal diamonds and argue over which one of them is going to be "Mr. Pussy." Just classic stuff here. And Mr. Blonde holding that milkshake like he doesn't have a care in the world...

Best Lines:

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Mr. White: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?

Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Road House (1989)

Ask me what the greatest comedy of the 80's was and I won't answer Caddyshack or National Lampoon's Vacation or Ghostbusters. No, to me, the greatest comedy of the 80's is clear. The answer? ROAD HOUSE!

I know the movie wasn't trying to be funny, but its attempt at making a testosterone-filled "guy movie" backfired and instead borders on gay porn at times. I know Dalton fucks a pretty hot 80's chick at one point but that is easily canceled out by him doing Tai Chi half naked while the fat Santa Clause farmer watches him and beats off and Swayze's gay ballerina dancing throughout the whole movie. Oh, and if we're talking about the gayness we can't forget about the guy with the perm who admits that he fucks men...if that's not gay, I don't know what is.

As cheesy as this movie is at times, it's the dialogue that rockets this film from cheese to EPIC CHEESE! Some of my favorite lines:

"Pain don't hurt."

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison."

"You're too stupid to have a good time."

"Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?"

And the bar being called "The Double Deuce" is just the icing on the cake. Basically the place is called "The Double Shit" which is fitting.

I want to see a remake of this film with Will Ferrell in the Swayze role. You don't have to change anything else. Remake it line for line, scene for scene, with Ferrell as the lead and you've got yourself the greatest comedy ever made. Hollywood, make it happen!

Just remember...pain don't hurt (even though that's the definition of pain).

Why It's Awesome: A bar fight erupts every fifteen minutes and there's a random strip scene with a smoking hot 80's chick for no particular reason. Plus, Road House provides you with quotes that are useful in everyday life. If your boss pisses you off, just tell him, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Works like a charm.

Best Quote: Geez...let's see...THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

How good is this fucking movie?

Not a huge financial success when it was first released in theaters, I think it's safe to say that Shawshank has become a cult classic with constant showings on cable television, but it's one of those movies that when it's on, you have to watch it. Based on a short story by Stephen King, it's currently rated #1 on IMdB on the top 250 - and, for once, I can't argue.

Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman are as good as it gets in this one. Robbins' low key, barely audiable performance is perfect for the stoic ex-banker turned convict. It's his "Doc Holiday role" in that he'll never be in anything as good for the rest of his career. Freeman is always pretty solid and he's extremely likable in this one as Red, Andy's best friend.

The entire movie is well written, but it's the ending that seals the deal on this one. This ending is right up there with The Sixth Sense...maybe even better in that the first time you watch it, it catches you completely off-guard, but it totally makes sense in its explanation and there are clues along the way. In fact, when you think about all the things that happened earlier in the film, leading to the escape, it blows your mind how well the entire film was constructed.

And then the movie takes on a completely different form when you watch it the second time. The scene where the warden inspects Andy's cell is much more dramatic, considering you know what's at stake for Andy. And the fact that the warden ignores the poster and nearly leaves with Andy's Bible makes the ending that much more satisfying.

It's just an amazing moment when Andy exits that pipe and spills out into the river. And he rips off his shirt and we're looking down on him with the rain pounding against his chest. And in that moment, we feel what he feels: freedom.

Why It's Awesome: A wonderful tale of the power of hope and redemption, even in the darkest of places. Acting, writing, and direction all solid. Dialogue is top-notch. I still get goosebumps during the scene between Andy and Red talking in the yard right before Andy's escape...goosebumps...

Best Quote: It comes down to a simple choice: Either get busy living...or get busy dying.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

THAT-JUST-HAPPENED!

You know, it seems like comedians make two kick-ass movies before the quality of their work transforms into a string of hit-or-miss comedies. Adam Sandler had Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore before his hit-or-miss run farted out into a continuous stream of diarrhea. Will Ferrell scored big with Anchorman and then followed that up with the hilarious Talledega Nights...although Ferrell seems to be faring better than Sandler since for every Land of the Lost he comes out with a Step Brothers.

Not that a movie about NASCAR needs much help to be ridiculous but this is another Ferrell comedy where it seems like the actors were told to just walk out on set and start saying a bunch of random bullshit. This one is a QUOTE BONANZA!

Ferrell's got plenty of help out there (mainly from John C. Reilly) and the cast is even more impressive looking back on it four years later. Let's see, we've got:

- John C. Reilly (Step Brothers/Walk Hard)

- Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat...need I say more?)

- Jane Lynch (Glee)

- Amy Adams (Wedding Crashers and a bunch of shitty romantic comedies)

- Jack McBryer (30 Rock - he plays his fucking 30 Rock character)

- Oh, and let's not forget about THE CHAMP!

Honestly, I'm not going to explain why this movie is fucking hilarious. If you don't understand, Tommy will come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer. Just remember...SHAKE AND BAKE! As the great Colonol Sanders said, "I'm too drunk...to taste this chicken."

Why It's Awesome: Six Words: Will Ferrell as a Nascar driver...'nuff said.

Best Quote:

Ricky: We like to have a lot of laughs on the track, but today we're here to talk to you about something serious: Packs of wild dogs that control most major cities in North America. If you see a dog, don't call the authories; approach it and lie down.

Willow (1988)

We're sticking with the fantasy genre this week and reviewing Willow, or, as I like to call it, George Lucas presents Lord of the Rings.

C'mon. This movie is a complete rip. Not only does it steal the basic premise of LotR and replace the ring with a baby, but there are also ideas stolen from Gulliver's Travels and The Odyssey. The funny thing is that if you watch the special features, there's a featurette that starts off as follows: In a world full of sequels and movies with numbers behind their titles comes Willow, a completely original adventure. Sure, George, keep telling yourself that.

It's really not a bad movie, but it's far from being great. Val Kilmer is really the only human main character. Everyone else is a fucking midge or a midgier midge or a goat or something.

The best part of the movie is that the entire two hours is filled with racial slurs and hate crimes. Everyone calls Willow "Peck," which I'm pretty sure is a midge version of "Nigger." Everyone's like, "Move, Peck," "Out of the way, Peck." Then they'll push him over. It's pretty funny. Apparently the Elwyn are the Mexicans of this fantasy world.

Speaking of midges, George Lucas must be a god to those people...and not just because he towers over them. Lucas put more midges to work in the 80's than any circus, carnival, or freak show. If you thought the Ewok village put Midges to work, you ain't seen nothing yet! There's an entire Midge society in this movie! Hundreds of legit midges in a midge village built to scale. Maybe Tim Burton should have watched this movie before he hired a single Oompa Loompa and cloned him a million times for his crapfest Charlie remake. Fuck you, Burton. Fuck you and your shitty remakes.

Back to Willow, there's your typical fantasy elements here. A magic midge, a mighty warrior, a shape-shifting Gandalf with a vagina, monkey trolls, a two-headed dragon, the evil queen from Sleeping Beauty, and two comic relief characters that just piss you off more than anything. Lucas might have well just plugged R2D2 and C3PO into this one and called it a day.

I remember watching this as a kid and thinking, "I'll probably bash this in a movie blog twenty years from now" and lo and behold, here I am. That was a pretty good prediction considering I didn't even know what the Internet was at the time. Not a great 80's flick but there are some fun moments (most courtesy of Val Kilmer) and you'll never see a movie with more midge power than this one. Now they have robots for that sort of thing.

Why It's Watchable: Try not to stare with your mouth agape as an entire midge village, built to midge scale, comes to life right before your eyes! Plus it's always fun to watch George Lucas FAIL!

Best Quote:

High Aldwin: Go in the direction the bird is flying!

Bungelcutt: He's going back to the village.

High Aldwin: Ignore the bird. Follow the river!

The Princess Bride (1987)

Uh oh...KEVIN ARNOLD ALERT! KEVIN ARNOLD ALERT!

All right, I know he has a minor role, but he's still in there.

The Princess Bride is one of those rare movies that you watch as a kid and still love just as much as an adult. As a kid, I loved the sword fights and the R.O.U.S. and the storming of the castle. As an adult, I love the humor and the satirical look at fairy tales. It's just a good movie. It really does come off as some old fairytale a grandfather is telling his grandson (Kevin Arnold). It's innocent and fun and there's some twists here and there (Westley dying catches you off guard the first viewing), but you know true love will prevail in the end.

The characters are perfect. I couldn't picture anyone else playing any of the characters. When the movie was first being cast, Andre the Giant wasn't available. Instead, the director was looking to hire a nobody to play the giant, Fezzik...a nobody named ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! Can you imagine Arnold saying, "Anyone want a peanut?" Anyways, Andre was made for the part, as was pretty much everyone in this film. The only character I don't really enjoy is Billy Crystal's portrayal of Miracle Max, which comes off as a little too Jew-heavy for my taste.

My family and I used to quote this movie all the time and then I married a woman who quotes the movie AND knows all the lyrics to the music. Everyone knows "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die" and "Inconceivable" and "As you wish"...at least everyone should. People are so lame nowadays. Whenever I quote a totally sweet movie and no one knows what I'm quote from, all I can think is...INCONCEIVABLE! And yes, I know what it means.

Why It's Awesome: Just listen to the settings and tell me the movie's not awesome: Cliffs of Insanity, Fire Swamp, Pit of Despair. And one other small factor...KEVIN FUCKIN' ARNOLD!

Best Quote:

Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.s?

Westley: The Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Westley is then immediately pwned by an ROUS.

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

Now comedy fans will swear to their dying breath that Holy Grail is the superior flick, but, personally, I've always been a bigger fan of Life of Brian. If it weren't for Christian idiots considering the movie to be an affront to Jesus Christ (which it's not), I think Life of Brian would get a lot more credit.

Sure, there's some goofball stuff here (the scene where everyone is hiding from the Romans in the most ridiculous hiding spots ever) and some quality British humor (the Roman guard correcting Brian's Latin rather than punishing him for defacing the Roman capital), but there's also some quality social commentary, too. It's a fairly accurate portrayal of the religious hysteria, fanaticism, and persecution during Jesus's lifetime (and let's be honest, that shit still goes on today).

The scene that sticks out in my mind as just being the perfect satirical statement about religion is the scene where Brian addresses the crowd (who now think he's the messiah) and he tells them that they don't need to follow anyone, that they're all individuals. And then the crowd responds, in unison, "Yes...we're all individuals." Perfect. And I'm sure that's the scene that religious zealots hate because that's the perfect depiction of their "flock." And I'm sure the scene with the group of crucified men singing "Always look on the bright side of your life" didn't help either.

Of course, then there's the scene with the space aliens driving around with Brian in the back of their spaceship so there's a nice contrast between the thought-provoking and the just plain silly. And to this day I can't say Biggus Dickus without cracking a smile...

Why It's Awesome: The greatest British comedy troupe of all-time makes a movie so controversial it's banned in Norway. What's better than that?

Best Quote:

Pontius Pilate: Anybody else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwiend....Biggus...Dickus?

Inception = The Most Overrated Movie of All Time

I don't usually comment on new releases, but, as an intelligent fan of film, I feel it's my personal responsibility to chime in on the buzz surrounding Chistopher Nolan's Inception, now #1 at the box office for three consecutive weeks.

Let's get this out of the way: Inception is a good movie. Visually - an amazing piece of cinema.

I will not argue that this is a bad movie. I will, however, argue to the death that Inception is not only the best movie of the year, but also "one of the best films ever made." Nope, no way, not even close. I have already almost forgotten the movie. In fact, if it wasn't for the insane comments on boards across the Internet, I would have already forgotten the movie and moved on to awaiting the EPIC arrival of The Expendables on August 13.

Allow me to explain why Inception does not deserve the fan boy worship it is receiving.

First, the aspect that boggles my mind is that people are claiming this is one of the best written movies ever. FALSE! Script-wise, this film is an absolute mess. Act I is ridiculously long and bogged down by an insane amount of explanation. Rules are set up early in the film (basically the first hour is nothing but set-up for the actual story) and then nearly every one of these rules is broken at the end (If you die in a dream, you wake up...except in THIS dream, if you die, you will fall into purgatory, never to escape...EXCEPT now we can come pull you out of purgatory, thus negating all the emphasis we placed earlier on the importance of not dying).

The movie fails in the same way that movies like Minority Report fail. In order to get the story going, the audience needs to be force-fed way too much explanation in order to justify the fictional universe of the movie. And before anyone says something asinine like, "You just didn't get it!" Oh, I got it, asshole. It really isn't that complex; it's just too complex to be effective in a movie. I think the reason people are praising the writing is because they didn't understand the story and for some reason dumb people convince themselves that if they don't understand something, then that must mean it's awesome.

Second, the ending that people are claiming is the best ending since Planet of the Apes (the first one, not the shitty Marky Mark version), was LAME. The most cliche ending of a movie about dreams is that the main character doesn't know if he's dreaming or not. I PRAYED to every deity that I know that that was not how the movie would end and that's exactly how it ended. People, let me explain something: There's no ambiguity here. He was obviously still in the dream. His kids were the same age, wearing the same clothes, and the top was still spinning. There's no question here. Still dreaming...not interesting...cliche...lazy writing...

See, the problem is that we're so used to watching shitty movies like Transformers or The A-Team that when a decent movie is actually made, we blow its greatness way out of proportion. The same thing happened when Dark Knight hit the theaters. Great movie, but did it warrant any awards (for the living or the dead)? Probably not. People are so overwhelmed by shit these days that when they're thrown a life preserver, like Inception, they praise it as their savior. Inception was just a good movie, folks...nothing more.

Jurassic Park (1993)

There are certain movies that when you see them in the theater, the theater experience takes on a life of its own. I've had a handful of memorable theater experiences in my lifetime.

Seeing Freddy vs. Jason on opening night was a theater experience I'll never forget.

Watching The Sixth Sense in a theater full of terrified black people is another.

But my most memorable theater experience was going to see Jurassic Park with my mother when I was 10 years-old. The movie had been out for two or three weeks already but people were still going to see it in droves. My mother and I arrived at the theater late and the theater was packed, forcing us to sit in the only seats available...dead center in the first row. Now the first row usually isn't where you want to sit in a movie theater, but, let me tell you, there wasn't a better seat in the house. I literally felt like I was in the movie, my neck craned, staring up at the T-Rex on the screen, the orchestra music rushing over me. That is an experience I'll never forget...

And yes, looking back almost twenty years later, the script was obviously dumbed down to appeal to a mass audience, but anyone who tells me their jaw didn't hit the theater floor when they first saw that brachiosaurus is a fucking liar. And the T-Rex scene in the rain still gives me goosebumps. I swear, sitting there in that theater, I didn't breathe the entire scene. I'm surprised I didn't pass out. And let's be honest here, people, the movie wasn't about the acting or the script; it was about the fucking dinosaurs and, in that department, Spielberg did exactly what he set out to do: create a fun movie about dinosaurs that would be a box-office giant.

The epicness of the first film has obviously been tainted by the far inferior sequels that would follow, but I still remember sitting in that theater, knowing that I was witnessing not only a great film but experiencing an event that I still remember to this day. That's just good film-making.

Why It's Awesome: Truly awe-inspiring special effects. You felt like those dinosaurs were really there. And you know why? Because Spielberg used a good mix of CGI and puppets! And no one can tell me the puppets didn't look ten times better than the CGI.!George Lucas should have been paying attention instead of beating off to the CGI effects that would ruin his Star Wars prequels.

Best Quote:

Muldoon: Clever girl...(before being ripped to shreds by the raptor, even though the action is conveniently blocked by a well-placed palm frond).

Team America: World Police (2004)

America...FUCK YEAH!

Listen, I'm tired of people telling me they don't think "South Park humor" is funny. Forget about Mr. Hanky and the fart jokes. You're thinking of the first two (far inferior) seasons of South Park. Get over that shit and live in the now. South Park is easily one of the smartest political and social satires of all time and if you don't agree, then you don't know shit about shit.

Team America, a movie shot entirely with puppets, was released in the middle of the Bush era and provides a perfect satirical snapshot of the time. It completely annihilates current events occurring of the day including:

1) America policing the world looking for "terrorists" following the 9/11 attacks in spite of the rest of the world hating our fucking guts.

2) Celebrities sticking their noses into the world of politics in spite of the fact that they're fucking clowns and should stick to entertaining us like the good little monkeys that they are.

3) Shitty Jerry Bruckheimer produced action movies that sucked dick in spite of their lucrative budgets and overpaid cast of asshole celebrities.

All these things needed to be spoofed and Trey Parker and Matt Stone bent these issues over and fucked the shit out of them...with puppets.

There are a few things that are absolutely LEGENDARY in this flick. The first is the musical score. I don't often buy movie soundtracks, but this one is a must have. These are the funniest songs ever included in any film...EVER! Everyone has AIDS? America...FUCK YEAH? Montage? But the single greatest song has to be Pearl Harbor Sucked and I Miss You. The song's sole purpose is to point out how badly the movie, Pearl Harbor, sucked and it hits the nail right on the 'ole noggin. FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY! Stick to your shitty transforming robots with random explosions movies. Leave historical action movies to someone with actual skills.

The next LEGENDARY aspect of this film (I dare you to argue this point with me) is the puppet sex scene, which is, by far, the most inappropriate yet hilarious scene ever filmed. When that guy puppet is pile driving the chick puppet I nearly pissed my fucking pants. Of course, then Gary pisses on Lisa's face, followed by Lisa shitting on Gary's face. Try not to bust a nut laughing when you watch it...I dare you!

So even if you don't "get" South Park (because you're too stupid), that shouldn't change the fact that this is a hilarious movie...starring puppets. The puppets alone make it EPIC, but then you throw in some great political satire and celebrities getting mutilated and killed and you've got yourself an underrated classic on your hands.

Why It's Awesome: Are you serious...I just...I just explained that to you (Zoolander).

Best Quote:

Matt Damon: Maaatt...Damon! (sounding fucking retarded)

Little Monsters (1989)

Let's just first get something out of the way right from the start: Disney's Monsters Inc. totally ripped off this movie's premise. Monster's Inc. is simply an animated version of this movie. So fuck Disney. Granted, Monster's Inc. is a much better movie than this movie, but still...fuck 'em.

So this movie has something going for it right from the start. It's called KEVIN FUCKING ARNOLD!

That's right, the Wonder Years star himself, Fred Savage (who is always Kevin Arnold to me) stars in this slightly bizarre PG flick from 1989 and everything with Kevin Arnold is awesome (The Wonder Years, The Wizard, The Princess Bride, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Don't even bring up Austin Powers 3 because, unfortunately, Beyonce cancels out Kevin Arnold's awesomeness. It's like multiplying a negative and a positive. You get dogshit as a result.

Don't mention this movie either because I've decided that this movie kind of sucks. Even Kevin Arnold can't save this movie from appearing to be nothing more than a Beetlejuice wannabe.

If you're not familiar with this movie, Kevin Arnold keeps getting blamed for causing trouble around his house, but he discovers the trouble's being caused by a monster who lives under his bed. He traps the monster (named Maurice), they become friends, and then the monster takes him to the magical monster world underneath the bed. The monster world is full of kids who chose to become monsters and it's run by an asshole named "Boy" and some nasty blue hunchback guy (Rick Duncommun). The catch is that if a human stays in the monster world after sunrise, that person becomes a monster.

I guess the reason this movie is FAIL (not EPIC FAIL but still FAIL) is that Howie Mandel's portrayal of Maurice is too much like Michael Keaton's portrayal of Beetlejuice and Beetlejuice is just a way better character. Plus the plot is confusing at times and kind of depressing for a PG movie (the parents are separating). Plus, where do all these monsters live in the monster world? They never show any houses or buildings! Plus, why don't they show the main baddie, Boy, until the climax? You're like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" when you finally see him. Then you're like, "Oh, that's Boy?" And why does Boy want Kevin Arnold to stay in the monster world (besides the obvious answer that it's KEVIN FUCKIN' ARNOLD!)? Oh, and why is the guy's name Boy? That's fucking stupid...

So, overall, not a great movie...even with the Kevin Arnold factor considered. If you want to watch a crazy guy cause a bunch of trouble and fuck shit up in a PG environment, watch Beetlejuice, or, better yet, watch DROP DEAD FRED. Fred is one of the most underrated crazy sidekick comedies ever. Watch it, son! And always make sure your apple juice is really apple juice and not someone else's piss!

Why It's Kind of Awesome: Kevin Arnold, bitches...Kevin Arnold...

Best Quote:

[Maurice shanks Kevin Arnold in front of a female monster]

Female Monster: Mmm...nice ass...

(Hilarious for a PG movie)

Hot Fuzz (2007)

All right, so I usually don't review movies I've just seen the first time, but HOLY FUCK! Reviewing Hot Fuzz wasn't a choice; it was decreed by the Movie Gods.

Hot Fuzz is a product of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director, Edgar Wright. That's right, the EXACT SAME lineup from the legendary, Shaun of the Dead. And, no, I wouldn't put it on par with Shaun, but Hot Fuzz does to action movies exactly what Shaun did to zombie flicks. The British humor is thick throughout this one, but it's the uber ridiculous act 3 that moves this movie from pretty good to fuckin' epic status.

It's not even worth mentioning any of the movie until the finale...which is about 40 minutes long. Earlier in the movie, Nick Angel busts a guy with an army arsenal of machine guns and bazookas and a fucking water mine...and you know the shit is going to come into play later on...and boy does it ever. The mystery running throughout the entire movie ends in the most ridiculous way possible (which is a good thing) and then the final showdown involves a shootout with a priest, a guy getting his head caught in a bear trap, the complete annihilation of a super market, and James Bond getting a model church tower impaled into his throat. Balls to the walls awesome...

But the BEST part of the movie has to be the homage to Point Break. Officer Frost is obsessed with cheesy action movies and he loves the surfer/crime thriller. At the end of the movie, when Frost can't shoot his father and instead screams and fires into the air I nearly pissed my pants. Any movie that references a sweet ass action movie like Point Break is all right in my book.

Why Simon Pegg would ever try to make a movie without Nick Frost is beyond me. He might as well be David Spade trying to make a movie without Chris Farley. Hot Fuzz, bitches! Watch it!

Why It's Awesome: Rides the line between ridiculous and awesome better than any movie in the history of film.

Best Line:

Skinner (on walkie-talkie): Michael, are you there?

Angel (pretending to be Michael on walkie-talkie): Yarp.

Skinner: Angel's been taken care of?

Angel: Yarp.

Skinner: He's not going to be back up again?

(Angel hesitates, thinking.)

Angel: Narp?

Ghostbusters (1984)

Who ya gonna call?

Fucking Ghostbusters, bitch!

So the Ghostbusters were my life when I was a kid. I watched the animated show everyday after school. I had all the toys and vehicles, even the Slimer that vomited slime. I remember going to the drive-in theater to watch Ghostbusters II and thinking it was the greatest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. And I was right. I wasn't alive for very long so my standards were pretty low at the time.

The first Ghostbusters film is still a flick I can watch over and over again, mainly because of Murray's performance and his legendary wisecracks. Without him, it's not the same movie, but you gotta give it up to the rest of the cast, too. Aykroyd and Ramis hold their own and (since they wrote the damn thing) I guess you gotta give them some credit, too. Winston was my favorite on the cartoon, but his role in the movie is fairly limited. Apparently the part was originally written for Eddie Murphy and the role was much larger, but Murphy decided to film Beverly Hills Cop instead. Guess you can't fault him for that.

Don't ask me why the black guy was my favorite. I think I liked the color of his jumpsuit the best. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I had an argument with my best friend, Danny Piquiet, on the bus about what color Egon's jumpsuit was. I said it was green and that prick kept insisting it was blue (In reality, it's greenish-blue). We were so pissed about the whole thing we refused to sit next to each other on the bus for a week. Even then I took entertainment pretty seriously. I still stand by my side of the argument so fuck you, Danny Piquiet. THAT SHIT WAS GREEN, BITCH!

Why It's Awesome: One of the few films ever to have a successful cartoon spin-off that was just as good as the movie. Until recently, I always thought the cartoon gave birth to the movie and not the other way around. You learn something new everyday, my friends...

Best Quote:

Ray: Everything was fine with our system until our power grid was shut down by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true:

Peter: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

Gladiator (2000)

Easily in my top ten of ALL TIME.

You want a movie that kicks ass but without all the cheesiness of a Schwarzenegger film? Gladiator is your flick.

The cast is outstanding. Russell Crowe may be a dickhead in real life, but he acted the shit out of Maximus. Joaquin Phoenix steals the show, though, as Commodus. Talk about creepy! The whole incestuous love affair with his sister, the murdering of the father, the death threats on his nephew's life...the guy's a real asshole! Props to the supporting cast as well, especially Oliver Reed who lived just long enough to finish the flick.

I was discussing this movie with a friend not too long ago, and I think I stumbled on why exactly the movie is so damn good. And here it is: There aren't any slow or boring parts. There's not a single part in the movie where you're like, "Oh, I can't wait for this to be over so I can get to this next part." THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS AWESOME!

The opening battle? AWESOME!

The death of Maximus's family? AWESOME!

Maximus becoming a gladiator in Zucchabar? AWESOME!

Maximus going to the Colosseum? AWESOME!

Maximus fighting Tiger guy? AWESOME!

Maximus vs. Commodus? Ehh...less awesome but still, overall, the movie is fucking AWESOME!

It's just a balls to the walls awesome movie from beginning to end.

It also contains one of my favorite scenes in any movie...EVER!

Maximus walks out of the holding cell for the gladiators toward the shitty fighting arena in Zucchabar. All the other gladiators are sitting on their asses prepared to do jack shit. Maximus strolls out into the arena where there are a dozen huge ass warriors wearing tin pots on their heads and wielding axes and chains and shit. Maximus totally KICKS ASS and kills every single one of those bastards. The entire stadium is silent. Then Maximus starts yelling at the fans, verbally pwning them in the process and making it fairly clear that he hates their guts. Silence. Then, a single voice starts chanting "Spaniard! Spaniard!" and eventually the entire place is going apeshit for Maximus. Sweet...

Why It's Awesome: A revenge flick set in the Colosseum of Ancient Rome FTW. There's nothing better than a well done revenge flick. Kill a guy's family and make the guy a badass and you're in for a double helping of awesomeness.

Best Quote:

Commodus: It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Here's the winning formula for family movies in the 80's: Family + weird creature (alien, bigfoot, robot that came to life) = Box Office Gold.

And no movie did it better than Harry and the Hendersons...except maybe E.T. and Short Circuit.

Nevertheless, what this movie has going for it is simple: Sasquatch. How many Sasquatch-centered movies are there? Answer: Not enough. This movie is great because it's premise is simple: What would happen if a family adopted Sasquatch as a pet. The answer to that question is that your house would get fucked up and your neighbor's pool would look like a condor flew over it and took a giant shit.

Watching this movie today, I just love how totally cliche the entire thing is. You've got the nerdy younger brother and his bitter, emo sister who just wants to do her hair and be left alone. You've got the nurturing mother and the father who is obsessed with murdering animals. At the beginning of the film, John Lithgow is a gun-toting, nature hating, heartless republican. Then Harry comes into his life and John Lithgow transforms into a whiny, tree-hugging pussy democrat. And the transformation is basically instantaneous. I'm serious. Usually character arcs take the entire film to complete, but John Lithgow gets a major hard-on for Harry twenty minutes into this thing. It's kind of pathetic...

And you can always tell a movie is PG because the hardcore, French villain will undoubtably, turn into a complete pussy by the end and deliver a HILARIOUS final line to end the movie. LeFleur is the victim of pussification in this case. After spending the ENTIRE FILM trying to hunt down and assassinate Sasquatch, Harry melts his heart by the end and makes him wish he was an American citizen. What are you going to do next, LeFleur? "I don't know. There's always Loch Ness." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....SHUT UP!

They should make a movie where a family takes in CHUCK NORRIS and tries to keep him as the family pet. It would basically be the exact same movie as Harry and the Hendersons except with less hair and a lot more roundhouse kicks. I'd pay to see it.

Why It's Awesome: A family learns the harsh consequences of trying to domesticate Sasquatch.

Best Quote:

After witnessing her pool cleaner pull out a gigantic fur ball from her brown pool...

Irene: I need someone to talk to! You know, it hasn't been easy with the pool and everything, and Herb is no help. His latest theory is that a condor flew over and took a shit in it.

The Crow (1994)

The movie that inspired the most cliche Halloween costume is best known for the death of Brandon Lee during shooting. Brandon Lee was the son of Bruce Lee, who also died under mysterious circumstances. How creepy is that shit?

I've long been aware of the history of the movie, but I've never had the pleasure of seeing the comic inspired flick. Man...it's a pretty damn good movie! It's your typical revenge flick, in the same vein as Kill Bill or Lion King (That's a revenge flick! Simba needs to learn not to be such a pussy so he can totally rip Scar's face off for killing James Earl Jones).

The action is solid (The boardroom scene comes to mind immediately as kick ass), the acting is passable (Lee does a nice job as the brooding Eric Draven), and the dreary tone of the movie is captured perfectly with the use of just about every shade of grey possible.

Some of the dialogue is suspect, but most of it is either inspired by the comic or directly from the comic so I suppose one can't complain too much about that. The story sort of falls apart at the end of act II once Draven has successfully completed his revenge sweep. I think the story would be much better if Top Dollar was directly involved with his murder and the rape of Shelley. Then Draven has to find a way to get to him in spite of the hoards of underlings guarding him. I just felt the end with Top Dollar trying to steal his power by killing the crow was kind of cheesy and it most definitely felt tacked on.

Speaking of Top Dollar, how badass is Michael Wincott's voice? I can't think of a better bad guy voice in Hollywood. That guy has made a living being a villain and speaking in that deep, "I'm gonna fucking kill you" voice. Check out his work in The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and The Count of Monte Cristo - equally as badass!

Why It's Awesome: Guy comes back from the dead to gain vengeance on those who murdered him and raped his fiance. He can't die, he wears face paint, and every villain in the movie has a cool pirate name. Sweet...

Best Quote:

Top Dollar: Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy - now that's fun!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Every now and then you reach into the BAG 'O FATE and the Powers That Be smile down on you...

Indiana Jones was my hero growing up. Indiana Jones is THE greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!).

And, as a special gift from the Movie Fates, the first Indiana movie I get to review is my absolute favorite. Now people will argue to death that Raiders is the clear-cut best of the trilogy (There are only three Indiana Jones movies...only three I tell you!), but, in my humble opinion, Last Crusade is easily more fun and more action-packed than the original.

Just the simple fact that they made JAMES BOND Indiana Jones' father makes this movie beyond epic. Ford and Connery have AMAZING chemistry, and, in the end, that's what makes this movie an absolute masterpiece in the adventure genre. They keep the relationship light and entertaining and avoid getting too mushy, but it's an amazing pair and having the relationship as the central focus of the film was simply brilliant (obviously not Lucas's idea).

Nearly every scene in this film is memorable for one reason or another. I'll just list the scenes and, if you're any kind of Indy fan, an image will automatically pop into your head that will, no doubt, supply you with an instant boner:

* The train scene

* The catacombs scene

* The boat scene

*The castle scene

*The motorcycle chase scene

* The blimp scene

*The tank scene

*The grail scenes

Just classic, classic stuff here.

The reason this movie kicks so much ass is that it took what was great about the first movie and simply added to it. You've got the return of some favorite characters in Sallah and Marcus Brody, the return of the Nazis as the villains, and a Christian artifact is once again the central focus. Add to that James Bond (a BIG improvement over Short Round from ToD), and you've got the greatest adventure movie in cinematic history...believe it!

Let us all remember Indiana Jones in this film rather than in THE FILM THAT MUST NOT BE SPOKEN OF...which any respectable Indy fan must abhor until one's dying days. Death to you Spielberg and Lucas...obviously Last Crusade was a gift from God itself because you clowns can't make a decent movie to save your pathetic lives...may you both rot in Hell for eternity for what you did to Indiana Jones. That is all.

Why It's Epic: Indiana Jones and James Bond together as father and son, killing Nazis, avoiding booby traps, and banging the same chick. INDIANA JONES RULES!

Best Quote:

Indiana: No ticket...(legendary)

American History X (1998)

Everyone knows this as the "curb stomp" movie...and with good reason. Whoever thought of that sick shit deserves an Oscar for "Most Brutal Way to Kill a Bitch."

But this is just a great dramatic movie. Its exploration of race relations near the end of the 90's, a time of great racial conflict (especially in Los Angeles), is nearly unparalleled on the silver screen. This movie isn't superb because it answers any questions or provides any insight into race relations. No, it's superb because it does something far more important: It asks some very interesting questions.

The movie is basically a character study into why individuals become consumed by hate. When we first meet Derek Vinyard, all we see is a stereotypical Nazi skinhead. But then, through bits and pieces of flashbacks, we learn why...we learn why he hates.

This movie sugarcoats nothing. It doesn't condemn the skinheads for being intolerant because of some close-minded philosophy. No, they have a reason to hate. Most of the blacks in this movie are low-life pieces of shit. They make it easy to hate. A black drug dealer is responsible for the death of Derek's father. A group of blacks try to steal Derek's truck. The black kid at the end murders Derek's brother in cold blood. They're easy to hate, and you find yourself hating them, too. And you have to stop and say, "Wait a minute...am I just as intolerant as these skinheads because I hate these people, too?"

But the movie does a nice job of pulling you right back in the other direction because, in counter-point to the scum blacks, you've got positive black characters like Bob Sweeney (the principal) and Lamont, who keeps Derek safe in prison. So right when you're justifying Derek's hate-filled philosophy you have to stop and say, "But wait...here are some blacks who are good people. Is it right to hate them, too?"

The moral of the movie (as far as I'm concerned) is simple: Assholes come in all colors. You should never hate an entire race, gender, or religion. You should hate stupid people...because they're everywhere and there's a lot more of them than there is of us.

And, on a side-note, Edward Norton is CLUTCH in this movie...

Why It's Awesome: One of the most thought-provoking discussions on race relations ever to grace the cinema.

Best Quote People Think is in the Movie But Really Isn't:

Derek: Bite the curb, bitch...

THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!

I still can't believe it...

The greatest movie ever made by Man is a reality...THE EXPENDABLES!!!

I didn't believe it when I heard the rumors, but I've seen the trailer and I must believe that watching the trailer was nothing short of staring into the face of God Almighty himself.

It doesn't even matter what the storyline is. Just listen to the line-up:

Sly Stallone starring, writing and directing.

Then we've got cameos by Arnold and Bruce Willis...

Jet Li...

Jason Statham (The Transporter)...

Mickey Rourke...

Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren)...

Stone Cold Steve Austin...

Randy Couture...

and the hot chick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

UNREAL!

Without a doubt, the greatest line-up ever assembled in cinematic history.

I don't think I'm overhyping the August 13 debut by saying that it will win every Oscar possible, including the Oscar previously held by Highlander for "Best Movie Ever Made."

I've already ordered my tickets. I suggest you do the same. Prepare to have your skull caved in by the awesomeness!

Death Becomes Her (1992)

Talk about a movie ahead of its time...

Death Becomes Her is a dark comedy about how far people will go to avoid the aging process. This movie came out in 1992 so this is before all the insanity over Botox and teenage boob jobs and stomach stapling. A remake could come out tomorrow and be twice as relevant as when it was originally released. Can't people just get old and ugly and be happy about it? It's the way nature intended it to be.

You can't really ask for a better cast than this. Goldie Hawn (when she's still hot), Meryll Streep (not looking bad herself), and a nerded out Bruce Willis. I know the ladies get a lot of attention in this movie, but Bruce is my hands-down scene stealer. This is the same man who, four years earlier, played John fucking McClane in Die Hard and here he is playing a spineless, nerdy, pussy-whipped bitch and playing it to perfection.

The concept itself is intriguing. Two female rivals consume a potion that allows them to live forever but then they die...only to return reanimated (but still biologically dead). Obviously this odd situation provides for most of the humor of the film. The jokes are solid for a majority of the film, but as soon as Helen dies, the humor comes off a little cartoony. Helen and Madeline are hitting each other with shovels and there's a lot of physical humor, but it all comes off too much like an episode of Tom and Jerry (Awesome show by the way).

And even though it's a neat concept, the story itself is rather weak. You realize after the shovel battle between Helen and Madeline that the movie isn't really going anywhere. The girls hate each other, then they make up and they're friends and realize they'll need Menville to maintain their corpses, and then we're kind of tossed into the climax with Menville rejecting the potion at the castle of the immortals and being chased by dogs and falling off a building and into a swimming pool.

I suppose the ironic thing is that Goldie Hawn now looks like someone who has been dead for about ten years and is trying to hide under a veil of plastic surgery to keep anyone from finding out...

Why It's Awesome: You get to watch two really hot, really dead bitches boss around John McClane.

Best Quote:

Madeline: Bottom's up.

Madeline drinks the potion.

Lisle: Now a warning...

Madeline: NOW a warning?!

Speed (1994)

"I saw this movie once where this bus had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called...The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down!" - Homer Simpson

Speed is the Die Hard of the 90's.

It reaches near perfection in its simplicity.

Premise: A cop must save a bunch of passengers on a bus wired with explosives that will detonate if the bus's speed drops below 50 MPH.

You wouldn't think a movie where a bunch of people drive around for two hours on a bus would be entertaining, but you'd be wrong. In fact, everything involving the bus is gold. The movie only falters when Keanau leaves the confines of the bus. The subway finale is garbage. The entire movie is centered around the bus. You can't end the movie in a subway! And just like the highway isn't finished, the subway track isn't finished? What?! I don't think they use subway tracks that aren't finished...

But let's focus on what this movie does unbelievably well and that is to create tension. The movie succeeds by creating a ticking clock that nearly lasts the entire movie. Every time the speedometer nears that 50 mark, you lean forward a little in your seat. At one point, they actually create TWO SIMULTANEOUS ticking clocks by having Keanu puncture the gas tank. Now we have to worry about the gas running out AND the bomb blowing. That's good stuff...

Unfortunately, when you talk about this movie, you have to talk about "The Jump." This is by far one of the worst "Nuking the Fridge" moments in cinematic history. The bus has to jump a fifty foot gap of equal elevation. Sound impossible? Well...it should have been! Instead, the bus hits a fucking bike ramp at the end of the unfinished section of highway and levitates over the gap. It looked ridiculous the first time I saw the movie, and it still looks ridiculous. Even in the action genre, some semblance of reality must be maintained. I'll believe that Arnold can kill 81 guys single-handedly (Commando), but I still don't believe that damn bus could make that jump!

Why It's Awesome: Simple premise...great execution.

Best Line:

Stephens is repeating over the walkie-talkie what Jack is saying word-for-word.

Jack spots the bomb.

Jack: Fuck me!

Stephens: Oh darn...