Old School (2003)

"You're my boy, Blue!"

Certain cinephiles have attempted to convince me that Old School doesn't hold up ten years later.

Those people are fucking idiots. This movie is STILL hilarious! Easily one of the top ten comedies of the New Millennium.

What a genius story: a couple of thirty-somethings start a fraternity where they do all the partying and none of the learning that one usually suffers in college. How many unhappy dudes in their thirties with kids and shitty jobs dream of just that? Booze? Sluts? Hazing rituals involving cinderblocks, rope, and a dude's wang?

Check, check, and check.

The cast is insane. This is the movie that put Will Ferrell on the cinematic map (before his whole shtick got old). Vince Vaughn was still transitioning into the comedy genre. And, personally, I've always enjoyed Luke Wilson's clueless everyman gimmick. Then you've got a perfect Circle of Life casting with Jeremy Piven playing the uptight dean in direct contrast to his earlier frat-boy-who-drives-the-dean-crazy casting in the underrated PCU. Oh, and whoever got Elisha Cuthbert to flaunt her sweet ass onscreen deserves a medal.

But the true test of the quality of a comedy is in its quote-worthiness. Let's do an Mitch-a-palooza quote-off!

"WE'RE GOIN' STREAKING!"

"Let me be the first to say congratulations then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

"Earmuffs!"

"Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low. HEY MIKE!"

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK!"

"Oh yeah. CHEEEEEE-EEEEEZE! Hey, didn't we lock you in a dumpster once?"

"No, it's cool, man. Bring your green hat!"

I'd say that's pretty legit. The best part is that the main protagonist undergoes no major character development, the love story is half-heartedly tacked on, and no non-slut female character spends more than two minutes onscreen at a time. Now that's a man movie!

Why It's Awesome:

Just stupid, frat humor with a cast of A-list comedians riffing for 90 minutes. Throughout the course of the movie, they condone statutory rape, binge drinking, cheating on formal tests, getting a divorce after only a month of marriage, blind-folded gang bangs, and solo streaking. How awesome was Pre-Recession America?

Best Quote:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know... I don't know if we'll have time!