Pumpkin (2002)

Anyone who doesn't think this movie is great is retarded...

Pumpkin is one of the great underrated absurdist comedies of the New Millennium. It's about a perfect and popular sorority sister named Carolyn who falls in love with a retard...yup, you read that correctly. A hot chick falls for a retarded kid (named Pumpkin no less) and they totally have sex. Try to watch it and not feel uncomfortable! It cannot be done!

The hot retard-banging chick is played by the boner-inducing Christina Ricci. Ricci shows up naked in lots of films (Black Snake Moan, Prozac Nation) and she looks like the kind of girl who probably has chlamydia but you go ahead and do her anyway and accept the consequences. I've had a thing for her ever since I saw her as Wednesday in The Adams Family (which isn't weird or creepy because I was like, eight, when I saw that movie).

Seriously, dumb people won't enjoy this movie because it doesn't tell you when to laugh or even whether or not you should. The characters and the acting are real over the top (Ricci goes way, WAY over the top at times), but it's never silly or wacky like a Farrelly Brothers movie. The emotion is real, the relationship kinda sweet, and the music...wow...the soundtrack is haunting and really adds to the overall confusion of the movie.

This is also one of those rare movies that actually says something. In life, you have your insiders (the sorority sisters) and your outsiders (in this case, the mentally challenged athletes competing in the Special Olympics). People always feel sorry for the outsiders and will toss them some charity every once in a while but if any outsider tries to do anything relatively normal (like bang a hot sorority sister) no one can accept it, because, in the end, society only wants to feel sorry for outsiders, not treat them as equals.

Or maybe it's just saying that most sorority sisters are as intelligent as fully-functioning retards.

Regardless of the message, one thing is clear: when the short bus is a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'!

Why It's Awesome: It's Romeo and Juliet...except in this version, instead of being a Montague, Romeo is retarded. And kudos to the makers of this film for not pussying out and having Carolyn and Pumpkin have sex. You can't go halfway on a concept like this and they certainly didn't pull any punches.

Best Quote:

Carolyn: I'm sorry. I'm leaving the sorority. I'm quitting SCSU. I'm transferring to a community college.

Julie: But Carolyn, you're a senior. You can't transfer to a community college. You have too many credits.

Carolyn: Then I'm transferring to Long Beach Tech.

{The sorority sisters GASP in horror}

Captain 69's Epic 100th Post: With a Vengeance

Writing this post makes me feel like I'm watching Arnold, Sly, and Bruce Willis blowing shit up together in a single flick...oh wait, that's going to happen in THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE (again), THE EXPENDABLES II.

So let me be more specific...

Writing this makes me feel like I'm watching those three guys blow shit up when they weren't 60 years old and recovering from banging Spanish maids, 'roiding up on horse tranquilizers, and losing a wife to the biggest douche ever to wear a knit cap (seriously, who keeps greenlighting these Ashton Kutcher flicks?). What I'm trying to say is...this is kind of a big deal.

This is CAPTAIN 69'S EPIC 100TH POST: WITH A VENGEANCE!

It seems odd to be writing about this blog likes it anything at all. Three years ago when I started getting into screenwriting, all the books suggested watching as many movies as possible (talk about cheap ass advice). So I made it my goal to watch a movie a week, and, just for shits and gigs, I created this blog to write about each movie. I never thought anyone would actually read the damn things.

I started posting in February 2009. Viewers first found my blog via the interweb search engines in July 2009. That month I had 26 visitors. I stumbled upon the stats button for my blog in July 2010 and that month I had over 1900 views. That's when I realized people were actually reading this shit and I should watch my fuckin' mouth ('Cause I'm Castor Troy!). Last month I topped my all-time views record in March 2012 with over 2700 views. So far over 25000 cinephiles have entered the cinematic asylum of Captain 69 and everyone knows that although two men enter, only one man leaves...

Let's do some lists.

Most Viewed Posts:

#1) The Princess Bride: 3266 views

#2) Leon: The Professional: 1537 views

#3) Big Trouble in Little China: 1503 views

Worst Movies Reviewed:

#1) Birdemic: Shock and Terror (It's about birds that explode)

#2) The Wicker Man (It's an hour and a half of Nick Cage screaming and punching women)

#3) The Room (It's about a guy who thinks he can act and direct acting in and directing his own movie)

Movie You Probably Haven't Seen But Absolutely Should:

Rubber (2010): It's about a serial killer with psychic powers...that is a tire. MIND BLOWN!

In closing, I would like to thank all my loyal viewers who stumble upon this site from search engines and waste time reading posts when they should be doing something productive instead. You make all this random cinema ranting possible...wait...no you don't. I do. So...you're welcome.

So, in actual closing now, I just wanna say one thing...God bless, America...and GET TO DA CHOPPA!

EXPENDABLES II: AUGUST 17, 2K12

Leon: The Professional (1994)

There's a reason this movie is in my list of top 10 movies OF ALL TIME!!! This movie is also the reason I will have an eternal boner for Natalie Portman (Why couldn't that baby be mine?)

If you've never seen this movie, you must, absolutely MUST, see the International Cut of the film. This is an extended cut of the movie and includes super uncomfortable borderline pedophile scenes that were considered to be too edgy for American audiences since we're all a bunch of fucking pussies. Seriously, though, they add to the overall quality of the story and the movie in general. Basically the movie was originally intended to be an action version of the book, Lolita.

The plot of the movie goes like this: an emotionally damaged hitman takes in a young girl after her family is murdered by crooked DEA agents and he teaches her his trade as she seeks vengeance against her family's murderer. In the hands of a lesser director, this would have been just another POS mid-90's action flick with a father/daughter twist, but Luc Besson makes it something special. The French have only done a few things right in their history (French toast, French fries, French kissing...), but this movie is right up there with menage a trois!

If there's a single reason why this movie cracks EPIC status it's the three main leads. Jean Reno and Natalie Portman have perfect chemistry as the father/daughter team who might fuck each other. Reno totally nails the lead as the hitman who survives by following strict rules and 12-year-old Portman is absolutely masterful as the girl who forces Leon to break all those rules. There's a reason this bitch has an Oscar, ladies and gentlemen.

And then there's Gary Fuckin' Oldman. God, this guy's good. In one of the truly underrated bad guy performances of all time, Oldman straight up OWNS as Agent Stanfield, a drugged-up crooked cop who loves Beethoven and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty to get the job done. Talk about creepy! Fuck Commissioner Gordon! This is Oldman in his fucking prime and is easily one of my favorite performances ever (not quite Doc Holliday worthy but up there).

Why It's Awesome: Kick-ass performances and a movie that successfully centers around character relationships instead of relying solely on action...which it has in spades. Acting, plot, directing, and writing are all house on this one.

Best Quote:

Stansfield: It's always the same thing. It's when you start to really fear death that you truly appreciate life. Do you like life, sweetheart?

Mathilda: Yes.

Stansfield: That's good because I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person who doesn't care about it.

The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

I don't usually venture as far back as the 70s, but when someone introduces you to one of the greatest dogshit movies of all-time, you don't shy away just 'cause it lives in a shady neighborhood. No, you lace up your skates, grow an Afro, and disco your ass back to 1972!

The Thing with Two Heads is about a racist scientist, stricken with some sort of vague chest cancer, who has his head transferred onto the body of a death row inmate...who happens to be a jive-talkin' black dude, creating a...thing! With two heads!

What makes this movie so epically terrible is that the movie puts absolutely ZERO effort into the special effects. All they did was sew a giant suit, shove both actors inside, and that was it for certain shots. Then for 70% of the movie they have the black dude lying down and the white dude's head sticking up through the floor. But the absolute best special effect are the action shots where they just stuck a paper mache head next to the black guy's head and it wobbles around while he walks around. Classic...

The racist banter really provides the icing on the racist Cinnabon that is this flick. It's basically a buddy flick where the buddies share the same body. Unfortunately, besides the basic concept, this movie doesn't have much of a plot. There's a motorcycle chase scene that literally lasts half an hour. It's 1/3 of the fucking movie! The black dude (and his paper mache sidekick) rides around on this motorcycle being chased by the cops for 30 minutes...it's excruciating.

The back-and-forth banter reaches a peak when the black guy FINALLY escapes the cops and hides out at his girlfriend's apartment. He tries to convince her to have sex with him, but she turns him down and says, "Maybe when I get used to it" (it being the extra head). I do feel like they missed an opportunity for some classic material so I've written some of my own. In my take on the scene, the black guys says, "Hey, momma, how 'bout you give me some head" and the sassy black sister says, "Looks like you already gots more than you can handle!" Oh no you didn't!

Anyways, just watch the trailer I've provided and you'll understand why you must watch this film (it's an instant watch on Netflix). I'm dying for a remake...but instead of the tired race commentary I'd rather see a different approach. I suggest taking Mel Gibson's head and attaching it to the body of a rabbi. Let the witty banter begin!

Why It's Awesomely Terrible: A racist bigot has his head attached to a black guy. How can you not wanna watch that movie?! And if you enjoy watching a motorcycle evade police vehicles in an open field for extended periods of time, this movie is for you!

Best Quote:

Black Dude (trying to force the white head to eat black people food): Don't you dig soul food?

White Head: What have you got for dessert? Watermelon?

Note: This is seriously a line from the movie. The 70s were great because everyone was cool about racism. They weren't all uptight and lame about it like today's lame PC society.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Bergundy (2004)

Ron Bergundy himself announced that there will be an Anchorman 2 in the future, and, even though it will most likely be an epic failure of monumental proportions, it's still worth looking back at exactly why fans have been clamoring for a sequel to 2004's quotefest since the movie's release almost a decade ago.

To put it simply, Anchorman is the single most quotable movie...EVER! Think about that. That's damn impressive. The comments section of the Yahoo story announcing the sequel was literally just a dozen pages of quotes.

In honor of the announced sequel, I present to you Captain 69's LONGEST QUOTE-OFF IN THE HISTORY OF QUOTE-OFFS...EVER! In fact, I'm not even going to look up any of the quotes (scout's honor). I'm going to challenge myself and list as many quotes as I can off the top of my head. Enjoy!

"The Human Torch was denied a bank loan."

"When in Rome..."
"Yes, continue."

"I love lamp."

"I will smash your face into a car windshield. Then I will take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner...and never call her again!"

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"

"What's that? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate...an entire wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad. That's amazing."

"You know I don't speak Spanish!"

"I own many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogoney."

"I'm kind of a big deal."

"LOUD NOISES!"

"Sex Panther. Sixty percent of the time, it works...every time."

"I'm going to be honest. That smells like pure gasoline."

"Smells like Big Foot's dick!"

"Brick, where'd you get a grenade?"

"I stabbed a man in the heart with a trident."

"Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you abou that. You should find a safe house or a relative...somewhere to lay low for a while because you're probably wanted for murder."

"POLICIA!"

"Take me to pleasure town!"

"The Germans called it 'San Diego,' which in German means...a whale's vagina."

"Stings the nostrils."

"Hey everyone! Come see how good I look."

"I love Scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch."

"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"

"I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair."

"You play jazz flute?"

"I know what you're going to ask and the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. I call it the octagon."

"I heard their periods attract bears!"

"I want to be on you."

"Milk was a bad choice!"

"You stay classy, San Diego."

Whew! I'm going to cut myself off at 30. I could probably recite most of the movie...but I'm not going to. I'll save some room for all the memorable quotes Anchorman 2 will bring us (hopefully). Until then, go fuck yourself, San Diego!

Why It's Awesome: In the history of quotable movies, this is the quotiest of all-time and gave birth to all the other quote-fests to follow (Talladega, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Step Brothers, Knocked Up).

Best Quote: Uhh...see above.