The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

I don't usually venture as far back as the 70s, but when someone introduces you to one of the greatest dogshit movies of all-time, you don't shy away just 'cause it lives in a shady neighborhood. No, you lace up your skates, grow an Afro, and disco your ass back to 1972!

The Thing with Two Heads is about a racist scientist, stricken with some sort of vague chest cancer, who has his head transferred onto the body of a death row inmate...who happens to be a jive-talkin' black dude, creating a...thing! With two heads!

What makes this movie so epically terrible is that the movie puts absolutely ZERO effort into the special effects. All they did was sew a giant suit, shove both actors inside, and that was it for certain shots. Then for 70% of the movie they have the black dude lying down and the white dude's head sticking up through the floor. But the absolute best special effect are the action shots where they just stuck a paper mache head next to the black guy's head and it wobbles around while he walks around. Classic...

The racist banter really provides the icing on the racist Cinnabon that is this flick. It's basically a buddy flick where the buddies share the same body. Unfortunately, besides the basic concept, this movie doesn't have much of a plot. There's a motorcycle chase scene that literally lasts half an hour. It's 1/3 of the fucking movie! The black dude (and his paper mache sidekick) rides around on this motorcycle being chased by the cops for 30 minutes...it's excruciating.

The back-and-forth banter reaches a peak when the black guy FINALLY escapes the cops and hides out at his girlfriend's apartment. He tries to convince her to have sex with him, but she turns him down and says, "Maybe when I get used to it" (it being the extra head). I do feel like they missed an opportunity for some classic material so I've written some of my own. In my take on the scene, the black guys says, "Hey, momma, how 'bout you give me some head" and the sassy black sister says, "Looks like you already gots more than you can handle!" Oh no you didn't!

Anyways, just watch the trailer I've provided and you'll understand why you must watch this film (it's an instant watch on Netflix). I'm dying for a remake...but instead of the tired race commentary I'd rather see a different approach. I suggest taking Mel Gibson's head and attaching it to the body of a rabbi. Let the witty banter begin!

Why It's Awesomely Terrible: A racist bigot has his head attached to a black guy. How can you not wanna watch that movie?! And if you enjoy watching a motorcycle evade police vehicles in an open field for extended periods of time, this movie is for you!

Best Quote:

Black Dude (trying to force the white head to eat black people food): Don't you dig soul food?

White Head: What have you got for dessert? Watermelon?

Note: This is seriously a line from the movie. The 70s were great because everyone was cool about racism. They weren't all uptight and lame about it like today's lame PC society.