Escape from New York (1981)

And the KURT RUSSELL QUADFECTA is complete!

We're moving from bearded Kurt Russell to eye patch Kurt Russell in his most famous role, Snake Plissken in Escape from New York. Russell pioneers the gravelly-voiced anti-hero who DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT in this flick. In fact, his voice is so gravelly he could make a gravel road feel like a complete pussy - now that's hardcore.

This movie looks ahead to the future year of...1997 (gasp) where New York City is similar to today in that it's a shithole prison that no one can escape from...except that it's literally a prison in this movie instead of metaphorically like in real life. The United States is at war with China and Russia (or something) and, on his way to deliver a cassette tape of Madonna's Greatest Hits to the rival countries, Air Force One is shot down over NYC and the president is taken hostage by the inmates. Guess who has to save him?

Once again Kurt Russell and John Carpenter team up for a winning combination. The entire budget for this film was $23.17 and what Carpenter manages to pull off with that budget is nothing short of amazing. He even manages to buy a limo with chandelier hood ornaments for Isaac Hayes (playing the Duke of New York) to drive around in. The sets look amazing for the low budget and he most definitely gets his money's worth out of Kurt Russell's performance.

The following example sums up Kurt Russell's entire effort in this film: while he's saving the president, Snake gets shot with an arrow in the leg. Russell then proceeds to sell the injury FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. He limps from that point on all the way until the credits roll. Now that's dedication. Any modern action hero would sell the injury for about five minutes and then be running a track meet in the next scene...not Kurt Russell. That's why he's his generation's Nick Cage.

As much as I enjoy me some Kurt Russell, the performance of the guy who plays Romero (the insane shark man to the left) totally steals the show. This guy is so over-the-top awesome it's hard to describe just how totally sweet he actually is. Even his death is so entirely overly ridiculous that I prayed he would come back to life just so I could watch him die again.

So for now we escape not only New York but the blinding glow that is Kurt Russell's brilliance. So long, Kurt Russell. May your beard always be luscious, your voice gravelly, and may you always find big trouble, even in little places. RESPECT!

Why it's Awesome: Kurt Russell running around a Carpenter film with an eye patch, a gun, and nano-nucler bombs imbedded in his neck, all the while not giving a shit about any of it. Sign my ass up!

Best Quote:
Hauk: You gonna kill me, Snake?
Snake: Not now. I'm too tired...maybe later.

The Thing (1982)

In a world with failing economies, governments, and yet another season of Dancing with the Stars, there's really only one thing that can get us through these tough times...and that's MORE KURT RUSSELL! And Captain 69 is here not just to give you more Kurt Russell but BEARDED KURT RUSSELL!

This is it, folks. The Thing is Kurt Russell's magnum opus. This is his Citizen Kane. In all seriousness, this is a sci-fi classic and Russell has plenty of help in this one with John Carpenter directing and Keith David doing his "Keith David" tough black guy shtick.

When I first read the title, I thought "The Thing" referred to Kurt Russell's full, luscious, Chuck Norris-like beard, but it's actually an alien that shows up at an Antarctic research facility in the form of a dog and then just totally starts assimilating people. The best part is none of the dudes at the facility know who is The Thing and who isn't so Kurt Russell and his beard just start killing everyone.

Here are a few reasons why The Thing is a sweet ass movie:

1) Kurt Russell's beard

2) There are NO WOMEN in the entire film so you know it's gonna be hardcore

3) Two...count 'em...TWO black guys survive until the very end of the film. This is the first film that this ever happened and it's never happened since.

4) The special effects (non-CGI) are totally disgusting. When The Thing starts assimilating people it looks like a gross vagina giving birth to a smaller, even grosser vagina

5) The title is the most ambiguous title ever except for Them (which is actually about giant ants)

6) No movie does a better job of acting as a larger metaphor for the Cold War

7) The ending is one of the most depressing, bleak endings of any movie ever

8) Kurt Russell's beard is so thick and full I want to curl up and take a nap in it

Everything is spot on in this one. The music, the atmosphere, the special effects, the acting...it's all great. Sure, it has some similarities to Alien (a few people try to survive an alien attack trapped in an isolated environment), but it works so who gives a shit? If you're watching it for the first time, try not to feel actual anxiety as you attempt to figure out who's been infected and who isn't. The paranoia just oozes off the screen.

Let's just pray they never try to remake this one...wait, what's that? There's a prequel coming out next month?

....fuck.

Why It's Awesome: See the picture above and tell me it's not awesome. Sure there's an amazing blend of sci-fi, mystery, and horror elements but isn't Kurt Russell's beard enough?

Best Quote:
Clark: I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.

Last Man Standing (1996)

The great thing about 90s action movies was that no one ever had to reload...EVER!

Last Man Standing is a classic 90s action movie starring one of the three main men of action, Bruce "I'll Die Harder" Willis. Not only do you get Willis in this one but famed B-movie megastar, Bruce Dern, and...(wait for it)...CHRISTOPHER FUCKIN' WALKEN playing a hired gun baddy who is so badass that not only did he murder his parents by slitting their throats when he was an infant but then he burnt down the orphanage they stuck him in afterwards. Now that's badass...

Here's the story: Willis plays John Smith, a gun-slinging loner who stumbles into a Texas town run by two rival gangs during 1930s Prohibition. Since he's so hardcore, he joins BOTH gangs and just guns down everyone for cold, hard cash. Then, for no reason at all, he turns into a total pussy and helps two sluts who are banging the heads of each gang...which totally pisses these dudes off, ya know. So they mess him up and then Smith has to just fuckin' lay waste to everyone, firing as many bullets single-handedly as were used in the entire Afghanistan War. The end.

The action is way, way, way over the top to a ridiculous degree. The action is more over the top than the movie, Over the Top (all right, maybe it's not that over the top). Even though the guns Smith carries hold about seven bullets, he activates his Infinite Ammo cheat and just sprays bullets everywhere. Each guy he kills he shoots about 47 times, some long after they're obviously dead. And the best part about this movie is that when he shoots someone, the act of shooting them actually suspends the laws of gravity and the victim flies about fifteen feet into the air like a helium balloon or does nine consecutive backflips like an Olympic gymnast. It's fairly badass.

And can I just end by saying that Bruce Willis has a great "gun face." You know, the expression he wears while he's firing a gun. It's pretty good. I'm not sure it's Antonio Banderas in Desperado good but it's still pretty good. The picture below from College Humor is a pretty good example of what Willis's face looks like the entire movie...

Why It's Awesome: This movie really marks one of the last straight-up badass tough guy movies of the 90s before everyone turned into sopping wet pussies in the New Millennium. Once Matrix hit it big, the action genre officially died and was replaced by special effects bullshit.

Best Quote:

Finn: I guess you'll just have to kill me.

Smith: It'll hurt if I do.

Overboard (1987)

It's a Kurt Russell bonanza!

We're shifting from Kurt Russell's more serious works like Big Trouble in Little China to one of his classically mediocre comedy pieces, Overboard. Co-starring his real life sex partner, Goldie Hawn's ass, Kurt Russell shows that if you're crafty enough, you, too, can have your very own sex slave!

Here's the ridiculous story: Goldie Hawn is a rich bitch who hires Kurt Russell to build her some shelves on her million dollar yacht. Then she stiffs him on the bill because he uses the wrong wood. That night, she falls OVERBOARD (hence the title) and suffers from amnesia, forgetting everything about herself. Kurt Russell collects her and convinces her that she's his wife and forces her to be his housekeeper and take care of his four boys. Then he does her.

I love this movie because it's un-PC approach to comedy is pure 80s. Basically what we're talking about here is kidnapping. Kurt Russell kidnaps Goldie Hawn and forces her to be his slave. And even though she's legally married to another man, he still takes it upon himself to bang her. And the best part? She never even gets that mad about it! He's got her scrubbing toilets and doing laundry and making dinner like she's some sort of Mexican housemaid (watch out for Arnold!) and she's cool with it.

Seriously, though, this movie is harmless fun with two strong leads with good chemistry and there's some classic 80s humor (no gross-out humor, no cursing, no overtly sexual stuff). Of course Goldie falls for Kurt and his kids by the end even though he enslaved her. It's just light-hearted fun even if places the illegal sex trade in a positive light.

There's some talk of remaking this movie with Jennifer Lopez. Please don't. If her fat ass falls into the ocean, no one's fishing that bitch out.

Why It's Awesome: There's one thing that really makes this movie stand out: Goldie Hawn's ass. Wow. This bitch is heroin thin but that caboose ain't too bad.

Best Quote:

[Annie holds a pair of women's panties]

Billy: Annie, those are my underwear.

Annie: Yours?

Billy: I don't mean I wear 'em. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.

Annie: But what about Gertie?

Billy: I'm sorry, Annie...I got horny.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

I just recently learned that Kurt Russell is, in fact, still alive...which is great.

I haven't watched this movie since I was twelve so I assumed the whole thing would make more sense as I watched it as an adult. Alas...it did not...not at all. I realized this movie's target audience is, surprisingly, 12-year-old boys as it contains ridiculous amounts of gravity-defying kung-fu fighting, machine guns with unlimited ammo, a sorcerer shooting light out of his face, gross floating head blobs, a guy who can blow himself up like a puffer fish, and everyone's favorite 80s whore, Kim Cattrall.

Here's the story if you're not up on the trouble going down in Little China: Jack Burton is a cocky truck driver who stumbles into a Chinese gang war between two factions, one of which is led by a 2000-year-old sorcerer/AIDS patient who must marry a green-eyed Asian chick in order to cure himself of his AIDS and return himself to full strength...or something.

Here's how you know this movie is great: it's directed by legendary B-movie director, John Carpenter. That's right, They Live, Escape from New York, The Thing - all films that were cheated out of Oscars. When it comes to directing, John Carpenter makes Steven Spielberg look like M. Night Shamalaahynnna...h. The movie is cheesy and fun and since Kurt Russel is in it you know not to take it too seriously. Its goal is simple: TO KICK ASS! And it succeeds on every possible level.

You know this movie totally rules because so many later movies and video games totally rip it off. Anyone familiar with the Mortal Kombat game series knows that Raiden is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL RIP-OFF of Lo Pan's henchman, Lightning. They both wear the same stupid hat for Christ's sake! And the crazy fighting from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Stolen from this film that I'm pretty sure originated that sort of thing. And I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that James Cameron got his idea for his blue alien cats from Avatar from reimagining the Beast from this film.

By the way, the scene of Lo Pan's henchman, Thunder, blowing himself up may be THE greatest death in cinematic history. Watch the movie. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Why it's Awesome: The main protagonist, Jack Burton, literally does NOTHING the whole movie except accidentally hurt himself and spout off one-liners the whole movie until he finally kills Lo Pan at the end. It's basically like Lord of the Rings if Frodo was a truck driver, Gandalf shot lightning out of his ass, and instead of elves and dwarves and shit there's nothing but Asians as far as the eye can see.

Best Quote:
Jack: [pointing to a door covered in Chinese writing] What does that say?

Wang: Hell of Boiling Oil.

Jack: You're kidding.

Wang: Yeah, I am. It says keep out.