Friday, April 19, 2013

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)


There's a certain charm to the original Bill and Ted movie that its sequel lacks. I think it's mainly because stupid stoners who play in a shitty band in high school are kind of funny; stupid stoners who play in a shitty band who have graduated from high school - well, that's just kind of sad.

There's far less time-traveling in the sequel than its predecessor, which is also a mistake. The set-up for the sequel is an evil gym teacher from the future travels back in time with evil robot versions of Bill and Ted in an attempt to change the future by murdering Bill and Ted and reorganizing society under his own ideals. So Bill and Ted die and then travel to Hell (probably because they use the word "fag" in a derogatory way), but they're able to return after they defeat the Grim Reaper in various board games. Then they recruit an alien to help them build good Bill and Ted robots and then they win the battle of the bands and...it's stupid. Just forget it.

The real problem is this movie just isn't that funny. Really the only funny part is where Bill and Ted are playing against Death in Battleship, Twister, and Clue ("I said Plum!"). Everything else is crap. Rufus is barely in the movie. The stuff in Hell like the weird Easter Bunny and gross grandmother just comes off as super creepy.

And then there's Station...ah, where to start with Station. Station is the greatest scientist ever...he's also a dead alien who plays charades with Albert Einstein in Heaven. But here's the problem: If aliens exist, then that means God doesn't, which means Station can't be in Heaven because his existence cancels out the possibility of God. Science and religion do not mix. I know Bill and Ted is the last place logic belongs, but even Bill and Ted are subject to the basic rules of philosophy.

But the WORST part of the sequel is that it breaks its own time-traveling rules...which is the worst sin a time-traveling movie can commit. During the final scene at the Battle of the Bands, Bill and Ted time travel long enough to grow facial hair, learn to play their instruments, get married, and have children with the princesses, and then travel back to the same moment they left in time to play their set at the Battle of the Bands. This is in direct contrast to the time-traveling rules established in the first movie where Bill and Ted have to collect the historical figures in a certain amount of time because the time in their time period continues to run even as they're traveling through time (remember the "Don't forget to wind your watch, Ted!" moment?). There's only one word to describe this terrible breach of time-traveling rules...

STATION!!!

Why It Sucks: It commits the worst deadly sin of any time-traveling film: It breaks its own time-traveling rules. How totally non-non heinous.

Best Quote:

Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
Station: Station!

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