Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)



EXCELLENT!

You can't discuss time-traveling movies without including the excellent time-traveling adventures of Bill S. Preston, Esquire,  Ted Theodore Logan, and a phone booth (Take THAT, Dr. Who!). This movie is actually just a combination of Wayne's World and Back to the Future...but who cares?! It's totally excellent...and educational!

Two stoner teens are on the verge of failing their history class. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that these two teens go on to form a band that eventually brings harmony to the universe. So George Carlin has to travel back in time to help Bill and Ted kidnap several historical figures and force them to perform like trained monkeys so these slackers can pass their class.

My favorite part of this movie is that the historical figures don't even seem to mind being kidnapped. They're totally cool with it. Napoleon has a blast at the water park, Joan of Ark (Noah's wife, by the way) gets her jazzercise on, and Genghis Khan goes crazier than a homeless person on bath salts in the sports department. They have a blast. Never mind that removing them from their respective timelines would severely alter the course of history and create a Doc Brown time paradox that would cause the entire universe to cave in on itself...as long as Bill and Ted pass their history course.

I know the movie isn't really meant to be taken seriously, but let's explore the time-traveling dynamics of Bill and Ted just for shits and gigs. First of all, interfering in the past doesn't seem to effect the present in any way, otherwise no one in the present time (1988) would even know who the historical figures were since they're removed from their timelines. And yet, if that's true, then the whole premise of the movie is flawed.

 In the future, Bill and Ted's music has already created a universal utopia...so why would it matter if they were separated in the past? Obviously everything works out if the future turns out the way it does. And if changing the past won't affect the future, then helping Bill and Ted pass their history test WON'T change anything about the future...so why even bother? Why send Rufus back unless the future is totally fucked? GOD I LOVE TIME TRAVELING LOGIC! It really messes with your head.

My favorite part about the time-traveling dynamics in Bill and Ted is that, apparently, you can affect the present just by saying you're going to travel back to that present moment from the future. For example, in the movie, Bill and Ted need Ted's dad's keys to bust the historical figures out of jail, but they don't know where the keys are. So they say they're going to travel back in time to when Ted's dad had them, take them, and leave them behind a bush so the present Bill and Ted have access to them...and then the keys are magically behind the bush...without them doing anything. You follow me?

It would be like wanting to win the lottery so you go to your backyard and dig a hole and find a lottery ticket there with the winning numbers that was placed there by the you of the future who already knew what the winning numbers would be, traveled back to the day before the lottery, bought the ticket with the winning numbers, and buried it in the backyard so the present you would find it and win. Of course, if you didn't follow through and travel through time and buy the lottery ticket for your past self the entire universe would collapse in on itself. That's a Primer mind fuck right there, pal.

By the way, I'm thinking of a number...know what it is?

69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why It's Awesome: Two dumb stoner kids travel through time and jam over a dozen historical figures into a single phone booth. If that's not a great movie premise, I don't know what is.

Best Quote:

Dumb Jock: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... {awkward pause} SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

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