Weird Science (1985)

Wow. What a great movie.

I remember watching this movie on USA's infamous "Up All Night" show back in the day that used to play weird or offbeat movies at, like, 11 at night, and I think that's the perfect way to describe this movie. This is a perfect late night almost-porn-kind-of-movie that is so irreverent and dumb it could have only been made in the 80s (I realize they're remaking it, but it won't have the same innocence or "why was this even made?" vibe to it as the original).

Here's the premise straight out of every teenage boy's wet dream: Two unpopular nerds decide to use their new-fangled computer to create the perfect woman (while wearing bras on their heads...it's ceremonial). The computer, of course, goes haywire and brings the woman to life, Frankenstein-style. Basically they create their own sex slave (although they never seem to actually have sex with her). Of course, all kinds of shenanigans ensue like drunken nights at the bar and a killer house party that's invaded by mutant bikers and eventually a giant nuclear missile. In the end the boys learn to just be themselves and popularity will come to you (which is bullshit, but it's the 80s so everything seemed possible if you did enough cocaine).

The cast itself is pure 80s cocaine. One of the nerds is played by Anthony Michael Hall who basically plays the same character he played in Breakfast Club. You've got Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man himself) playing a douche who picks on the nerds. Don't Google what she looks like now, but Kelly LeBrock is sooooo 80s hot in this movie. She's heroin thin and rockin' a perm, but if two nerds made a virtual sex slave, it would certainly be Kelly LeBrock.

And then there's Bill Paxton in what should have been an Oscar-nominated role playing the greatest asshole brother in cinematic history, Chet. Damn Academy snobs. Chet is awesome. He wears camo and doesn't hesitate to point a gun in people's faces or sexually harass women he's never met before. I absolutely hate Bill Paxton, but even I have to give him props for his turn as Chet.

The rumor is that John Hughes wrote the script for this film in two days...and it shows. I feel like it was just way easier to make a film back in the 80s. The way I picture it, Hughes wakes up one Saturday morning, feels bored, writes a movie script over the weekend, and then the next weekend he invites all the Brat Pack members over to shoot the thing, and the weekend after that it's in the theaters. Now it takes months and millions of dollars to shoot a movie. Take notice, Hollywood! All you really need is a high school library and some 30-year-old actors playing teenagers and you've got yourself a movie!

If you're still not sold on Weird Science, you should know that it's the only movie where someone is actually turned into a strange pile of human dog shit as a punishment. Ah, the 80s...

Why It's Awesome:

Kelly LeBrock + nerds + Chet + nonsensical plot = 80s win!

Best Quote:

Chet: Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.