Monkey Shines (1988)

If you only watch one evil helper monkey/quadriplegic love story make it...MONKEY SHINES!

Seriously, this is an awesomely bad movie. I saw it for the first time in college on the Syfy Channel and instantly fell in love. It's directed by George Romero (of Night of the Living Dead fame), and it's a horror film about a genetically-altered helper monkey who falls in love with her owner and murders anyone she sees as a threat to their love. Yeah...that's a movie.

The movie opens with this athletic douche who you hate from the opening scene because the first thing he does is cover his hot girlfriend's naked arse. So you totally want this dude to get hit by a truck and get paralyzed and that's EXACTLY what happens. Since he's all quadriplegic and shit he needs a helper monkey to hold his dong while he pisses and shake it afterward. Unfortunately, the helper monkey he gets is totally EVIL! This helper monkey and the quad fall in love, but, like any crazy human chick, the helper monkey gets all psycho possessive and starts killing any bitch who looks at her man. She burns down the quad's ex-girlfriend's cabin and electrocutes his mom in the tub with a hair dryer.

Since this is the 80s they had to actually hire a real-life helper monkey to do all this crazy shit. That's the most impressive part of this entire abortion. The stuff that this monkey actually does is INSANE! It's answering the phone and playing mixed tapes, and brushing his teeth...it's crazy! If they remade this movie (which I pray to God they do) the monkey will be CGI and look like shit. That helper monkey actually did all that crazy bullshit!

If this movie should be remembered for anything besides its general awfulness, it should be its epic QUADRIPLEGIC SEX SCENE. That's right, this guy with no working legs or arms bangs this monkey trainer chick. If you're wondering how that's even possible watch the movie and learn. Let's just say she spends a majority of the outing sitting on the guy's face.

Out of all the cheesy horror movies I've reviewed this month, this is easily my favorite. It's a movie that should have never been made, but thank God so many bad decisions were made that made it possible for the world to experience MONKEY SHINES!

Why It's Terribly Awesome:

The first time I saw the movie I only caught the final fifteen minutes. The ending rivals that of Seven and The Sixth Sense in its epicness. And now to ruin it for you: this monkey is about to stab the quad's girlfriend in the eye with a syringe so the quad sweet talks the monkey into climbing up on his shoulder and then totally bites this monkey's jugular and shakes it around like a rabid pittbull! That's how you end a movie!

Best Quote:

Fisher: You're a clinical cunt!

The Lost Boys (1987)

Is there a better 80s horror movie than The Lost Boys?

The answer is no...there is not. This is what vampires looked like in the 80s. Compare these badass vampires to the sopping wet pussy vampires in Twilight and you'll quickly discover why the 80s were the pinnacle of the popcorn flick while today's movies are nothing but tampons clogging up the vagina of cinema. How about that for a metaphor?

In this totally sweet 80s flick two brothers move to the murder capital of the world (surprisingly it isn't Cleveland) off the coast of California. The older brother is recruited by a gang of teenage vampires and turned into a half-vampire so the younger brother has to team up with a pair of badass brothers to win back his brother from the undead!

The 80s are alive and well in this one. You've got the first pairing of the Coreys (Corey Haim and Corey Feldman), dudes with perms, a complaint about not being able to watch MTV, and one of the vampires is even Bill S. Preston from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. EXCELLENT! Oh, and the band playing at the carnival, the jacked-up steroid monkeys with no shirts playing saxophone solos...if you told me to draw a picture of the 80s, I would draw those dudes.

I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking it was just about the greatest thing I had ever seen...and I was right! There was a reason the Coreys were able to bottom out later in life and that reason is because of all the coke they were able to buy from being so goddamn sweet in the 80s! They're hilarious in this movie, especially Corey Haims. The blend of humor and horror is perfectly done. And one can't mention The Lost Boys without mentioning Kiefer Sutherland's role as head(?) vampire, David. He's cool and mysterious and dangerous. He's everything that bitch Edward Cullen WISHES he could be.

The movie may not follow all the vampire rules to the letter, but it kicks so much ass, really, who cares? That final battle with the Emerson/Frog brothers vs. The Lost Boys still gives me chills as the camera zooms in toward the house, and it delivers with a vampire-slaying bloodbath.

Oh, and who can forget grandpa's final line of the movie that basically compares vampires to black people.

Why It's Awesome: The metaphor of being a teenager and trying to fit in in a new town may be obvious, but it's well done. Directing, acting, and effects are all house here, and the writing is serviceable enough to keep the audience entertained until the last vampire is slain.

Best Quote:

Sam: You're a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!

Hellraiser (1987)

Who knew that demons could be kinky, too?

Hellraiser is another cult-favorite horror movie that I had never seen before. My only connection to this movie is that my son is named after the title. I figured it was a typical demon-attacks-humans flick focusing on some dude with nails stuck in his head.

I was wrong.

This movie reminded me a lot of the original Evil Dead. A man and his wife move into an old house and accidentally resurrect the man's brother who escapes from an S&M club in Hell (the brother is also the wife's former lover). The brother comes back as a gross fetus zombie and needs the wife to kill horny businessmen in order to fully resurrect. The S&M demons (including Pinhead, who is never called Pinhead, by the way) want the brother back for more leather-clad spanking so they're not happy about the whole thing.

It's another flick that proves low-budget special effects from the 80s are far superior than big-budget CGI. Brother Frank is absolutely disgusting in his fetus zombie form. He's skinless and bloody and veiny. Then you've got the truly disturbing S&M Cenobites (Pinhead and his kinky BFFs). They're clad in leather with pins and needles sticking out of their faces all totally hardcore and shit. There's even the upside-down hotdog monster that lives in the wall of the hospital that looks pretty creepy.

For some reason there's nothing creepier than a middle-aged crazy chick. Frank must have a ten-lb. cock because Julia is willing to straight-up murder three or four strangers with a hammer for a dude who doesn't even have any skin. You also get a nice view of her naked arse and some side boob which is something you would never see in a modern movie from a chick that age.

Overall it's a fun flick. I'm convinced that the lack of funds forced these directors to compensate in other areas and that's what make these low-budget horror flicks so damn great. The story is fun, the acting solid enough, and the special effects creepy. This movie gave birth to a whole line of much shittier movies so you have to give it credit for that.

JESUS WEPT!

Why It's Awesome:

Opening a Chinese puzzle box opens a portal to a demon S&M club. Just one more reason why the Chinese are fucked up.

Best Quote:

Pinhead: No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering.

Candyman (1992)

This month I'm reviewing cheesy horror movies in honor of Halloween.

The first cheesy horror movie is a strange one. Candyman is not your typical early 90s horror movie. The basic storyline sounds like dozens of other horror flicks. A grad student (who looks suspiciously like Scully from X-Files) researches an urban legend about the Candyman, a killer with a hook for a hand who appears after someone says Candyman five times while looking in the mirror (Bloody Mary, anyone?).

But here's where it gets strange. There's nothing scary in this scary movie. Creepy is a better word. The Candyman is truly creepy and unsettling and it has nothing to do with the hook. It's a combination of Tony Todd's voice (as deep and black as a voice can get) and that damn fur coat...the guy is basically a tuba dressed like a pimp. The only truly scary aspect of this film is the ghetto where this movie was filmed. This is the ghetto...the real ghetto. I'd rather deal with the Candyman than go anywhere near the ghettos in Chicago. Kudos to the filmmakers by openly admitting that black people are terrifying.

The Candyman is kind of an odd cat. He seems to enjoy murdering poor people and stealing their babies. Not only that but he likes white women and attempts to woo them by framing them for murder. His idea of a good time is sawing off a dog's head and spraying blood all over the walls before vomiting bees down some chick's throat. And if that isn't strange enough the movie ends with a giant bonfire started by children.

The music really adds to the creep factor in this one. The score is unique and haunting, much like the film. At no point during the movie will you truly be frightened, but when the movie's over you'll be left with an unsettling feeling, which I personally feel is a much greater accomplishment.

CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN!

Oh no! A black guy!

Why It's Scary: I watched this movie almost a week ago and it's still with me. Now THAT'S what a horror movie is supposed to do, folks.

Best Quote:

Fake Candyman: I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. Well, you found him!