Troll 2 (1990)

Here it is in all its awful glory…THE BEST WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!


And this isn’t just my opinion. This is science! Troll 2 (which doesn’t have a single troll in it) was ranked as the #1 worst movie ever made for quite a while on IMDB and there’s even a documentary about the movie called Best Worst Movie (check it out on Netflix).

This movie has all the best worst movie elements. Atrocious special effects (the goblins are retarded midgets wearing paper mache masks), absolutely diarrhea-inducing acting by people literally pulled off the streets (the dad was a dentist by trade and some of the extras were legit mental patients), and a story that makes so little sense your head will implode if you think about it too much.

Troll 2 is about a family from the city who participates in a home exchange program (there’s no such thing) with a country family who lives in a town called NILBOG (Goblin spelled backwards!). The town is actually the kingdom of a clan of vegetarian goblins who feed people green shit that transforms people into half plant/half human puddles that the goblins can eat. Nope…not a lick of sense…

It’s one of those movies that truly must be seen to be believed. Here’s just a sample of the craptacular acting. The scene is considered in most movie circles to be the worst line ever delivered in any movie…ever (notice the fly on the kid's head at the climax, too):

Here are some things you’ll learn from watching Troll 2:

- If you have crappy costumes and masks, the best thing to do is shoot all the scenes involving those things in broad daylight to truly highlight how awful they are.

- Ghosts can freeze time, transform into hobos, and provide small children with Molotov cocktails.

- Coffee is the devil’s drink.

- The best way to hide your obvious homosexuality is to sleep naked in a camper with three other dudes while incessantly talking about “getting laid.”

- The sexiest food…is corn on the cob.

- Fuck a gun! The ultimate weapon is a double decker bologna sandwich!

- You don’t piss on hospitality!

Why It's Awesomely Terrible:

Anyone who loves movies must watch this movie to see what it looks like when everything goes wrong…in all the right ways possible!

Best Quote:
 
Michael: Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? HOSPITALITY! And you can't piss on hospitality!

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Ugh.

The sequel to one of the most shocktastic movies ever made (The Human Centipede) showed up on Netflix's instant watch so I forced myself to watch it. I didn't want to. I really had to psych myself up to watch it - like psyching oneself up for a colonoscopy. It was bad but not I-have-someone-else's-lips-stapled-to-my-asshole bad. No wait! It was that bad.

The story for the sequel is basically a fan letter to the original. A psychotic and retarded midget (not joking) named Martin is so obsessed with the original movie that he decides to make his own human centipede but instead of three people, he's going to make a 12-person centipede! The only problem is he has no medical background so instead he uses everyday tools like a hammer, pliars, and a staple gun to make his creation. Yeah, it's gross...

After watching the sequel, I actually enjoy the first flick more than I originally did (which was not at all). At least that one tried to have a plot. This one had none at all. The first half of the movie was Martin collecting people to make the centipede (he manages to collect associates who had wronged him, total strangers, a pregnant chick, and even one of the girls who starred in the first movie!) and the second half is him actually making the centipede (which is surprisingly not difficult at all).

As expected there are some truly disgusting moments here:

- Martin caving in his own mother's skull with a crowbar and then eating breakfast with her corpse
- Martin knocking out a dude's teeth with a hammer
- Martin stapling people's mouths to others' assholes with  a staple gun
- A dozen people having explosive diarrhea into each other's mouths in the worst conga line ever

But the most detestable scene involves a pregnant woman waking up in labor pains who manages to escape Martin's warehouse. She gets into a car, farts out the baby onto the floor, the baby's head slides under the gas pedal, and, in her hurry to escape, she slams on the gas pedal and squishes the baby's skull. C'mon...

There's NOTHING redeemable about this sequel. Martin isn't as fun as Dr. Heiter, there's no attempt at a plot, and, for some reason, 12 people just seems like overkill. Why didn't they just jack it up to a respectable five or six-person centipede? Where could they possibly go from here?

Why It's Dog Shit:

The worst part of the movie is that it's almost cartoonish at times. No one ever tries to escape the warehouse or wiggle away. Martin goes around bonking people on the head with his crowbar, which instantly knocks them out. I almost expected there to be birds circling their heads at times. And the shit splattering the camera during the diarrhea conga line was just plain silly.

Best Quote:

Me: They couldn't possibly make another one...could they?

Jack Frost (1997)

July is dogshit movie month here at Captain 69's Retro Movie Review.

We're starting with a little Christmas in July with Jack Frost (the horror/comedy, not the Michael Keaton shitstorm). In this classic horror/comedy mash-up, a serial killer is tranformed into a snowman after he's sprayed with genetic-altering acid and then goes around killing people...that's right, a snowman.

This is one of those movies that knows how terrible it is and revels in it (see also: Dead Snow). The acting is atrocious, the special effects laughable, and it's full of cheesy one-liners ("Is it cold in here or is it just me?"). At no point is it trying to be anything but cheesy fun...and for the most part it succeeds.

You'd think the characters in the movie would start to get suspicious about a snowman with evil eyebrows and arms...yes, that's right, he has arms. As a general rule, if you ever see a snowman with arms, get the hell out of there as most children aren't too worried about making their snowmen anatomically correct. The picture on the front cover of the DVD shows a scary demonic snowman, but Jack doesn't look anything like that in the movie. He looks like a poorly-constructed Styrofoam snowman...that kills people.

The deaths are always the best part of any cheesy horror flick and Jack Frost is no different. Some of his Christmas-themed kills include him smashing a woman's face into broken Christmas tree bulbs and decorating her with tinsel and a star, impaling some kid with icicles, and pushing a kid over and decapitating him with the runner of a toboggan.

The best death, however, belongs to a young Shannon Elizabeth. Most people know Shannon Elizabeth from her boner-inducing topless scene in the original American Pie, but most don't know that she made her film debut in Jack Frost, and she's naked in this one, too! (Not that you really get to see anything good). Not only is she in the film but she's the star of one of the greatest scenes ever filmed: the infamous snowman rape scene! I've included the clip below. Basically Shannon Elizabeth is taking a bath and Jack transforms into the bath water and then bangs her using his carrot nose as a dick. Just watch it...

In conclusion, they just don't make cheesy horror movies that are so bad they're good quite like this anymore. They peaked in the 80s and began to trail off in the 90s to the point they're almost nonexistent anymore. Now movies are just so bad they're bad.

Why It's Awesomely Terrible: A snowman runs around killing people, driving cars, and he totally rapes a hot chick with his carrot dick. C'mon! Do I really have to explain why that's awesomely terrible?

Best Quote:

Jack (after raping Shannon Elizabeth): Looks like Christmas came a little early this year.