Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Predator (1987)

This is it...the most manliest movie OF ALL TIME!
Put the women and children to bed and sprout a massive erection, this is PREDATOR.

Talk about your all-time great badass line-ups here. Of course the manliest movie of all-time would have to star Arnold, but he's supported by Apollo fuckin' Creed (Carl Weathers) and the man who ain't got time to bleed, Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

I've cracked the code for successful Arnold movies. Because he's such a total genetic freak, the key to a successful Arnold movie is creating an antagonist that is so badass and so hardcore that it makes Arnold the underdog. This is the major flaw with the epically ridiculous Commando because the main antagonist, Bennett (the guy in the chain mail), is such a sopping wet pussy he stands zero chance of defeating Arnold. Then on the other end of the spectrum, you've got the legendary Terminator 2 where the T-1000 makes Arnold his bitch for most of the movie...and then there's the Predator alien.

The Predator  has to be one of, if not the, greatest sci-fi creature villain ever created, and sits right up there with the T-1000 as a worthy adversary for Arnold. The chances of being disappointed when it removes its face shield at the end of the movie were about 99%, but Sam Winston is a cinematic god and created an original and terrifying creature that makes every CGI creature ever made look like a claymation piece of shit.

The first third of the movie sets out to create the impression that this group of guys is the greatest collection of badasses known to man. I love that their approach to their rescue mission (where the objective is to rescue hostages...alive, I assume) is to unload on the compound with grenade launchers and just blow the holy fuck out of the entire place. Apparently they only had to rescue the hostages' corpses. Then the second act of the film is the Predator bitching out Arnold's boys one-by-one with his assortment of toys. And then it all ends with the dramatic one-on-one showdown between Arnold and the Predator...

That showdown...holy piss. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Arnold vs. the Predator is the single greatest one-on-one showdown in cinematic history. You've got human vs. alien. You've got technology vs. basic survival instincts. And that moment when the Predator has Arnold beat, but, instead of finishing him off, strips off his techno gear, looks him straight in the eye, and in true Step-Brothers fashion says, "Let's get it on"...wow. That moment is enough to make any true man's testicles swell with manly pride.

The entire man factor of this movie can be summed up by the scene near the start of the film where Arnold greets Apollo Creed and they exchange a manshake and the camera focuses on their giant biceps and they're sweating all over the place and in their eyes you can see they're dreaming about eating beef jerky and impregnating Mexican maids...and then skipping out on the child support payments.

Ah, the joys of being a man...

Why It's Awesome: It follows the successful Arnold movie formula to perfection:

Arnold + badass sci-fi villain + absolutely no remnant of a love story = EPIC WIN!

Best Quote:

Blain: I ain't got time to bleed.

(Think about that: to be so busy killing shit you don't have time to bleed...that's hardcore)

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