The Others (2001)

I don't review many horror/suspense movies and there's a reason for that: most are epically stupid in nature. Although it was described to me as just the opposite, The Others was no different.

There are two things I learned from watching The Others:

1. You DO NOT want to work for Nicole Kidman.
2. Nicole Kidman hates Jesus.

The movie takes place during World War II at a manor in Britain where a reclusive woman (Nicole Kidman) takes in three new servants to watch over the house and her two children, who are such pussies that the sun hurts them. This just goes to prove that people from England are all prissy, tea-drinking wuss-bags.

So three people show up to work for Kidman and she just treats them like steaming piles of horse turds right from the start. At first I didn't even realize this was a movie; I just thought it was a reality show about how Nicole Kidman is a bitch and mistreats her servants, but, alas, it was in fact a movie.

So these are the ground rules Kidman lays out for her new slaves - I mean, servants:

1) No making noise...EVER!
2) No sunlight
3) Before you open a door, you must close the door you used to enter the room in an epically annoying procedure simply to get from one room to another
4) No access to phones, radios, or grand pianos (That bitch!)
5) Daily searches will take place for intruders and Kidman is the only one who gets to hold the shotgun
6)And the old guy has to live outside in a shed!

Not only is she a bitch to the servants, but she abuses the piss out of her children, too. She locks them in random rooms alone and forces them to study. And, as punishment, she forced her daughter to read from the Bible for three straight days. And I guess her bad behavior maxes out at suffocating her children with a pillow when they speak out of turn.

She's such a hardcore bitch that when her husband returns from the war, he bangs her once and then hits the high road. Smart man...

So the big TWIIIIIIIIIST in the movie is that Nicole and her children and the servants and everyone in the entire movie is actually dead....SHOCKER! Actually it's not. I figured Kidman was dead from the beginning with how fucking pale she was, but someone told me then that that's just how she looks.

As far as hating Jesus, Kidman spends the entire movie blabbering about how her little brat children are going to end up in limbo when they die because they're such little bastards, but, in reality, all of them are haunting the house, meaning everything in the Bible is bullshit. Take THAT Christianity!

Anyways, I was more shocked the first time I saw the movie when it was called The Sixth Sense...

Why It's Mediocre: Just another Sixth Sense rip-off with an Australian playing an English woman at a house that's supposed to be in England but is actually in Spain. Lame...

Best Quote:

Mrs. Mills (to the little girl): "Look what an awful face you've got when you cry."