Wayne's World (1992)

It's Wayne's World!
Wayne's World!
Party time!
Excellent!

This is the best SNL spin-off ever...NOT! That would be The Blues Brothers, but it's definitely a close second and one of the best comedies of the early 90s. Not only did it transform many of the characters' catchphrases into popular lexicon but the movie actually invented a sound for popping a boner ("Schwing!") and for that reason alone, it deserves its place in history.

The main cast is EXCELLENT:

Mike Myers - I really hate Mike Myers because of all the Austin Powers catchphrases that have plagued our world since that movie's release, but it's not him I hate so much as the millions of annoying people who said them thinking they were as funny as Mike Myers ("Yeeeeeah, baby!" Umm...how about Nooooo, asshole!)

Dana Carvey - Here's the truth. Dana Carvey > Mike Myers. The box office may not agree but it's true. The man is the funniest SNL cast member EVER...period.

Tia Carrere - Not a great voice but I'm not sure she was hired because of her voice (psst...look at her tits)

Rob Lowe - The man LITERALLY says LITERALLY in this movie (you'll only get that reference if you watch Parks and Rec). Literally, one of the best bad guys of the 90s.


Oh, and Al Bundy plays Stan, the owner of the diner. That's right...Al Fuckin' Bundy...

Watching this movie now, I realize it has absolutely little to no recognizable plot; it's just one pointless segment after another (sprinkled with 90s references like Terminator and Grey Poupon), but it gets away with it and do you know why? Because it's fucking funny! After my recent viewing I realized I still use quotes from this movie to this day ("S'cuse me...I'd like to get BY now..."). Uh-oh. That can mean only one thing...

Time for some EXCELLENT WAYNE'S WORLD MOVIE QUOTES:

Wayne: Hey, Tiny, who's playing tonight?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne: The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne: So it's not just a clever name.

Wayne: We broke up over two months ago.
Stacy: Well that doesn't mean we still can't go out, does it?
Wayne: Well it does actually.

Al Bundy: I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder!

Really the only reason this movie works is that Wayne and Garth are so damn likable. They're right up there with Butch Cassidy/the Sundance Kid and Bill/Ted as the greatest movie tandem ever. Watch this movie and then listen to Bohemian Rhapsody and TRY not to headbang...you just can't do it. SCHWIIIIING!

Why It's Awesome: Two funny guys being funny in a funny movie saying and doing funny things. The formula for a successful comedy seems so simple and yet it's so rare we see one nowadays...

Quote I Still Use Every Single Time I Drive Through Delaware:

Wayne: Or imagine being able to be magically whisked away to...DELAWARE! (sounding totally bored out of his mind) Hi...I'm in Delaware.

Once Bitten (1985)

This movie is pure 80s heroin. This movie is so 80s it'll make you perm your hair, break out your Walkman, and listen to some WHAM!

Besides the pure 80s awesomeness of this movie, its modern appeal is that it's one of Jim Carrey's first starring roles and he plays a virgin AND a vampire...not a typical combo but it's the 80s so ANYTHING GOES! This is your typical 80s low-budget comedy where a bunch of teenagers go on a quest to get laid (sound familiar?). Their quest takes a supernatural twist when they travel to Hollywood (where there's a woman walking a LION on a leash) and run into a hot female vampire who needs to drink the blood of virgins in order to stay young. Hilarity ensues.

Let's do the TOTALLY RADICAL 80S CHECKLIST:

1) Cheesy 80s theme song...CHECK! (Youtube Once Bitten...it's as good as jumping in a Delorean and traveling back to 1985. Everyone in the band, men and women, have hardcore mullets!)

2) Random, nonsensical dance scene where all the extras clear the dance floor and the main characters dance a perfectly choreographed dance number...CHECK! (I've included the Youtube video of the scene below. My favorite part is when Carrey plays his leg like a guitar!)

3) A heroin-thin hot chick with pancake-flat titties...CHECK!

4) Horny sidekicks who spout an endless supply of one-liners...CHECK! ("There's too much pressure about getting laid. It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.")

5) A total lack of black people in places there should obviously be black people...CHECK! (No blacks in Hollywood...hmm...)

6) Insensitive gay jokes that would never fly in today's PC world...CHECK! ("Fag attack! There's a bunch of fags in the shower!")

In addition to all the 80s awesomeness, this movie also serves as a great reminder of a time when Jim Carrey was actually funny. All his trademark moves are there: the T-rex walk, the orangutan walk, the De Niro impression, the reckless falling down, the crazy facials...they're all there to remind us of a magical time when movies like Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man never, ever existed. Watch it!

Why It's Radical: If nothing else, it kicks the shit out of Twilight. This one absolutely reeks of the 80s and it's fun to see Jim Carrey when he was still trying to be funny and succeeding.

Best Quote:

Jamie: This is horrible. This is the suckiest thing ever. The whole school thinks we're...GAY!
Russ: No one's going to think we're gay.
Jamie: This is it. We might as well move in together and buy his and his towels.

Cowboys vs. Aliens vs. Common Sense

I usually don't comment on movies I just saw (the last time I did it was for the overhyped Inception http://captain69sretromoviereviews.blogspot.com/2010/08/inception-most-overrated-movie-of-all.html ), but I'm so offended I felt compelled to rant.

I really wanted to like this movie...I really did. When I first saw the title and the cast I thought, "Yes, sign my ass up." Obviously with the ridiculous title I assumed it would be a fun movie. What I really wanted was for it to be really stupid like Snakes on a Plane or at least fun in the same way Men in Black approached its subject matter, but what I got was a flaming turd on a hot plate.

This movie is not tongue-in-cheek, it is not satire, it is just DUMB! It offended me on a very personal level due to its constant attacks on common sense. They took a ridiculous concept and played it completely straight-laced like a typical POS formulaic modern blockbuster.

This movie suffered from the same problem that many modern alien movies suffer. Here's the logic: If extraterrestrial beings are advanced enough to master intergalactic space travel, that means everything they do has to be on that level. All their technology, their intellect, has to be vastly superior to ours. It's the reason you can't TRAP THEM IN A CLOSET or have their weakness be WATER and send them to a planet that is 70% of their weakness ala Signs which is the worst offender of this principal of all time.

Here are some of the worst "Fuck you, common sense!" moments of the CaA:

1) In the dramatic battle at the end, the aliens go out into the daylight (which they can't see well in by the way) and fight the cowboys and indians in HAND-TO-HAND combat when they have cool lasers and photon guns and shit. Why wouldn't they just unload with their vastly superior firepower and massacre the humans with as little effort as possible? DUMB!

2) Ella claims the aliens can't be allowed to leave the planet or else they'll bring back more of their kind. Uh...don't they have radios or some kind of communication device? You mean to tell me that these creatures have invented intergalactic space travel but they haven't mastered the walkie-talkie? As soon as they found the gold they were looking for, wouldn't they just phone home and let their home planet know they found a shitload of it? RETARDED!

3) Near the end of the film when Jake is trying to escape the alien spacecraft, a dozen aliens descend on him and this is their strategy: Run down an extremely narrow pipe in single file and allow Jake to pick them off one-by-one. Really? That was their plan of attack? Are these the aliens who ride the short spacecraft to school? Why would they do that unless they were stupid but they CAN'T be stupid because THEY'RE ALIENS CAPABLE OF SPACE TRAVEL!

4) Next, (this one just pissed me off) after Ella is injured by the river, she lets Jake carry her fat ass 15 miles across the desert. Then afterwards, she's like "Oh, by the way, I'm an alien and I can heal myself but thanks for hauling me across the desert, bitch." If I was Jake, I would have punched her pretty little eyes through the back of her pretty little skull. TAKE THAT, EXTRATERRESTRIAL HO-BAG!

5) Ella informs Jake that all he has to do to remove the bracelet is clear his mind or some shit. Uh...wouldn't it have fallen off while he was sleeping then or while he was unconscious or while he whacked off (which I assume he did at some point during the events of the movie)? It falls off when he kisses Ella but you can't tell me his mind wasn't racing with the fear of getting alien AIDS at that moment. STUPID!

This movie is the reason I don't review modern movies. By the way, there were a massive amount of SPOILERS in this review so if you didn't want to read them then you shouldn't have read this review. Who cares? It's rubbish anyways. DON'T WATCH IT!

Uncle Buck (1989)

Uncle Buck is one of those subtle comedies that I just have to watch anytime it's on as a Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. It's just a wholesome, fun, family comedy that they don't really make anymore. There's no gross-out humor or sexual innuendo or violence. I would watch it at college a lot because it reminded me of being home and watching movies with my family so it's a sentimental favorite.

Here's the story: Buck Russell is a big, fat unemployed gambler who has to watch his brother's three kids when a medical emergency takes the parents out of the picture. The only problem is that one of these kids, Tia, is a real bitch and she's intent on getting impregnated at the age of 15 so Buck has to run around acting like a total cock block while watching the other two brats. In the end, he learns that having a family ain't all that bad and bangs a ginger woman.

Directed by 80s juggernaut, John Hughes, this is easily one of Candy's best solo performances (Besides Larry Clump of course...). You might notice a young Macaulay Culkin in this one as well in a pre-Home Alone outing. The real star of this film, however, is Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell. This girl is a total CUNT! There's no other way to describe her. Kelly puts in one of the all-time great bitch performances in cinematic history. Watch this movie and try not to hate her...TRY IT!

Here's some shit I love about this movie:

- Buck's car is an absolute BEAST! It's a 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe that backfires with a gunshot and a mushroom cloud of exhaust. Take that EPA!

- Buck's tormenting of Bug (Tia's boyfriend) is legendary ("Ever heard of a ritual killing?"). Who needs a condom when you've got John Candy wielding a hatchet or a power drill?

- For Miles' birthday, Buck makes him a stack of pancakes he has to flip with a snow shovel and I always thought as a kid that that would be just about the most awesome thing ever.

- Buck punches a drunk clown after uttering one of the great lines in cinematic history, "Get in your mouse and get out of here."

Bottom line is if you're looking for a pre-9/11 comedy where the parents are still married and the humor plays off the dialogue and funny situations instead of gross-out humor or obscenities or slapstick then Uncle Buck is what you're looking for.

Why It's Awesome: Great director and a great performance from a genuinely funny comedian. Do we even have funny comedians anymore capable of carrying films on their own? Say Tyler Perry and I'll rip out your intestines and strangle you to death with them.

Best Quote:

Buck walks into the assistant principal's office and is met with a giant mole with a woman attached to it.

Hoargarth: I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck (staring at the mole): I'm Buck Melonoma. Moley Russell's wart.