Rubber (2010)

I DARE YOU to watch this film. I fuckin' double dog dare you. I dare you to watch this movie after watching any of the Transformers movies. Your brain will literally cave in on itself...just crumble like an aging star degenerating into a black hole. After watching something so mind-numbingly STUPID and then to watch this film, an absurdist MASTERPIECE, your brain will shit its pants.

Here's the premise (are you ready?): A killer TIRE named Robert with psychic abilities goes on a killing spree and chases after a girl it's fallen in love with...that's right...a tire...

It sounds like a cheesy horror movie, but it's not. It's a SMART movie. It's aware of how absurd it is and revels in it. The very first thing that happens in the movie is a car appears on a desert road and begins knocking over random chairs that are set up and then a cop gets out OF THE TRUNK and then breaks the 4th wall to address us directly, informing us of the element of NO REASON in popular movies. Anytime you question something that happens in this movie, the answer is NO REASON.

For example, why is the tire watching step aerobics? NO REASON!

Just to give you a taste of how absurd this movie gets, here's a list of things the tire does:

- Blows up a dude's head with his psychic powers after the dude sideswipes him with his car

- Watches a chick shower and stalks her

- Goes swimming

- Dreams about when he was a tire on an actual car

- Gets reincarnated as a tricycle after he's killed

Probably the strangest part of the movie is that the audience are characters in the movie. That's right. The people watching the movie are actually personified in the movie and actually get involved with the action after most of them are poisoned with a giant turkey (you'll want to stop watching at this point but keep going).

Here's the twist, though. NOTHING in this movie happens for NO REASON. This movie is actually a movie about movies, and, more specifically, about the audience and their relationship to movies. There's a reason the tricycle and his army of tires end up in Hollywood at the end. Watch it once to be entertained by the absurdity of it all. Watch it twice for some pretty intelligent commentary. Just go Netflix that shit this very instant!

Why It's Awesome: The killer in this movie is a tire...that's it. That seals the deal right there.

Best Conversation:

Cop: But this is real life, Chad. We've got a dead body over here.

Officer Chad: No. It's not real life. Look at you. You've got a stuffed toy alligator under your arm.

(Cop looks down to notice he suddenly does, in fact, have a stuffed toy alligator under his arm)

Cop (shrugging): So?

The Fly (1986)

If you've ever wanted to watch Jeff Goldblum's face melt off while he's vomiting on donuts, have I got a movie for you!

This is a great and underrated (and disgusting) horror movie of the 80s. The make-up effects put any CGI bullshit to absolute shame. Check out the picture below...(wait for it)...psych! That's not from the film, you dumbass! But it's still a sweet picture nonetheless.

Here's the story: Scientist Seth Brundle (Goldblum) has perfected the world's first working teleportation pods...WIN! So one night after his fuck buddy (Geena Davis) goes to buy some tampons, he gets all drunk and decides to test his pods on his first human subject...himself! Little does he know that there's a fly in the pod with him when he teleports so the dumbass computer fuses Brundle and the fly's DNA together, thus causing Brundle to slowly transform into a giant man/fly hybrid.

I learned a lot about flies from this movie:

1) Flies are all world-class gymnasts and highly adept at the high bars.

2) Flies love candy bars, donuts, and coffee with forty scoops of sugar.

3) Flies can fuck for hours and like cheap sluts who wear jean jackets.

4) Never arm wrestle a fly because it'll rip your bone right out of your fuckin' arm!

5) Flies are totally pro-life conservatives...who knew?

The ending of this movie is pure conservative bullshit. Geena Davis realizes she's pregnant with Brundle's baby and she's afraid she's going to fart out a larva so she goes to get an abortion. Brundlefly is a total pro-lifer so he and Sarah Palin go and kidnap Davis from the evil abortion center. Instead, he plans on fusing he, Davis, and the baby together into a single body so he doesn't have to buy a larger vehicle for family vacations. This is actually something conservatives are trying to get passed. They're pro-life AND pro-fusion.

Why It's Awesome: The film won an Academy Award for Best Make-Up...and with good reason. Watching Goldblum (who is great in this) transform into the fly is truly hideous as he jettisons body parts (including his ear, fingernails, teeth, and eventually his wang) at an alarming rate.

Best Quote:

Brundlefly: I'm saying I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over...and the insect is awake.

Labyrinth (1986)

If you've never seen this movie then your childhood was dog shit.

Now I know what you're gonna ask and the answer is yes, I do know all the lyrics to Magic Dance. I loved this movie as a child and I still refer to my bathroom as The Bog of Eternal Stench.

For those sorry few who have never seen this classic Jim Henson production, here's the rundown: Some 15-year-old cunt on her period (Jennfier Connelly) gets pissed at her infant brother so she wishes for the Goblin King to steal him away and when he does, she throws a bitch fit and wants him back so the Goblin King is all like, "Fine, bitch, if you want him back then all you have to do is make it through my Labyrinth in 13 hours" and she's all like, "Fine. I will."

Did I mention the Goblin King is DAVID BOWIE! That's right...David fuckin' Bowie.

There's one thing that makes this movie great...PUPPETS. Puppets are always > CGI and this movie, above any others, proves that fact. Watch this movie and tell me that Bluto doesn't look better than Smeagol from LOTR or that aborted fetus thing from Harry Potter. Bring back the puppets! Death to shitty CGI!

As for my favorite character, I love the Fiery Gang and Hoggle and Lord Didymus, but there's one character that impresses me above all the others...David Bowie's Bulge. The bulge in that man's pants is hypnotizing (and I say this as a married hetero straight man). Why are his pants so fucking tight in a children's movie? It looks like he's hiding another small infant...IN HIS PANTS! I'm surprised the bulge didn't win an Oscar for biggest bulge in a supporting role.

It's a shame Casey Anthony didn't watch this movie as a child. Then she would have known that if you want to get rid of your infant all you have to do is wish it away to the Goblin Kingdom. It would have saved her a lot of trouble...

Why It's Awesome: The Wizard of Oz + Puppets + David Bowie's Bulge = WIN!

Best Music Lyrics Ever:

Jareth: You remind of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do?
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe!

From Dusk till Dawn (1996)

I wonder if George Clooney ever regrets this one?

I know I'll take some heat for this one, but let me just preface this statement by saying I'm a Tarentino fan and I'm a big Robert Rodriguez guy. I love almost all the shit they've done sans the Spy Kids bullshit on the Rodriguez front. So here's the statement: This is a good movie UNTIL the vampires come into play.

I know senseless violence is at the heart of both Tarentino and Rodriguez's films, but they need to stick to human-on-human violence because the last half of this movie is a FUCKING MESS...and not in a good way. First of all, they totally botch the vampire rules. They're basically using zombie rules where if someone gets bit by a vampire (anywhere...even on the arm) they become a vampire, but that's NOT how you become a vampire, that's how you become a zombie. Becoming a vampire is way more complicated and requires the exchange of blood and filling out a bunch of forms in triplicate. Plus there's no consistancy with how fast people turn. Jacob doesn't turn after being bitten for almost an hour while Frost changes instantaneously. Consistancy, people!

I'm not saying it's a terrible movie; I'm just saying all the FAIL moments cancel out all the WIN moments. For example...

Selma Hayek's boner-inducing dance number in the Titty Twister....WIN!
Juliette "The Other Sister" Lewis taking a dump...FAIL!
George Clooney acting like a badass...WIN!
Quentin Tarantino acting...FAIL!
Clooney using a jackhammer staking machine to dust vamps...WIN!
Sex Machine's dick gun...EPIC FAIL!

I'm a much bigger fan of the first half of the movie where the Geckos hijack the Fuller family and there's some actual character development and tension. That all goes out the window as soon as the crew hit the vampire-infested Titty Twister. Plus, what is with that ending?! The Other Sister is the lone survivor of her family and Clooney and his gay tattoo just leave her there in the desert. He could have at least banged her retarded ass for her troubles...

Why It's Awesome: Classic Tarentino dialogue and Rodriguez violence and Selma Hayek ranking fairly high on my Boner Jams Collection. Plus some of the vamp kills are pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Satanico Pandemonium: Welcome to slavery!
Seth Gecko: No thanks. I've already had a wife.