Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)

This is a movie that has grown on me over time. No, it's not Die Hard (the single greatest action movie ever made), but it's a fun movie with plenty of action and a great buddy-comedy dynamic. Before we go any further, let's do the order:

1) Die Hard

2) Die Hard with a Vengeance

3)Die Hard 2: Die Harder

4: Die Hard: Die Hardest

5: Live Free or Die Hard

Talk about great fucking movie titles. Die Hard with a Vengeance is the single greatest sequel title ever written by man. Imagine how much more successful other movies would be if they followed Die Hard's formula. Toy Story hit it big at the box office over the summer, but how huge would it have been if it had been called Toy Story...WITH A VENGEANCE!

But on to the movie. The first hour of this thing is stellar...just non-stop action. We've got John McClane back in New York, teaming up with the greatest black sidekick of the 90's, Samuel L. Jackson, running around solving riddles spun by the voice of Scar from Lion King, Jeremy Irons. Beast! Is there a more creative scene in any movie than John McClane walking around Harlem wearing a sandwich board that reads "I HATE NIGGERS"? If there is, I sure as hell haven't seen it. And the insane drive through Central Park? Just great stuff here.

But after the first hour, things start to fall apart. They stray from the original script and it's obvious because the riddles (which were the most interesting part of the first hour) disappear and are replaced by your usual cliche 90's action scenes. Sure, the elevator fight scene is badass, but, following the subway blast, things go downhill fast until they bottom out at the "Nuking the Fridge" moment with John surfing a dump truck...yeah...

And the ending? What the fuck happened? The entire finale at the truck depot is an EPIC FAIL! They should have stuck with the original ending where Simon gets away with the heist and John meets up with him at a bar and they play a game of chicken with a Chinese rocket launcher. Now that's worth a YIPPEE KI AYE, MOTHER FUCKER!

Why It's Awesome: The moral of the movie is simple: Don't go to school or you'll die in a terrible Jell-O explosion. Zues encourages his nephews to go to school and they almost die. This is a movie every child should see.

Best Quote Besides Yippee-Kai-Aye, mother fucker:

Simon (on the walkie-talkie): Nils, you can close up now. [no response] Nils!

McClane (on walkie-talkie): Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head!

Over The Top (1987)

If you see only one arm wrestling/child custody movie in your lifetime, make it...OVER THE TOP! It's basically Kramer vs. Kramer...WITH ARM WRESTLING!

Seriously, Stallone has been in some amazing, classic movies, but he's also made some super dog shit that would make regular dog shit gag and vomit. Over the Top is one of his most ridiculous POS movies with some of the WORST 80's music you will ever hear. Just listening to "Meet Me Halfway" by Kenny Loggins will make any real man's penis shrink and shrivel to the size of a millipede. Meet me halfway...across the sky! Umm...no thanks, Kenny. I'm fine right here.

The premise is just plain stupid. A trucker tries to reconnect with his wet, sopping pussy of an estranged son when his ex-wife contracts super AIDS and does so by kidnapping him from his military school (where apparently being a pussy is tolerated) and driving him cross-country in his semi-truck...oh yeah, did I mention that this trucker, Lincoln Hawk (or Hawkes as he's called in the middle of the movie for no reason) is a member of an underground trucker's arm-wrestling circuit? No? I left that little nugget of chocolaty crappiness out? My apologies. After all, the arm-wrestling is at the heart of the movie...that is if this movie had a heart. Bull Hurley arm-wrestled the movie's heart in a double-elimination tournament since it had no shittin' business being in the same room as him.

The best part of the movie is watching the actors' sweat stains grow and expand faster than the super AIDS infesting Hawk's wife's immune system. Like in the scene where Bull enters the diner. When he walks through the door, his shirt is speckled with sweat. Then he walks over to Hawk's pussy of a son and there's a pool of sweat on his shirt. When he finally confronts Hawkes, his shirt has gone from gray to dark gray because the entire thing is nothing but sweat! I got ten bucks says that set smelled worse than the set of Babe.

Why It's Worth Watching: Definitely one of the top three arm-wrestling movies ever made.

Best Conversation:

The Smasher: You Hawkes?

(No response)

The Smasher: I said, are you Hawkes?

Hawk: Who wants to know?

The Smasher: Well I'm the Smasher.

Hawk: Nice name.

The Smasher: Word on the road is you're the man to beat.

Hawk: Can't believe everything you hear.

The Smasher: I DON'T! I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING! I got a grand says I can rip your arm off. Do you want it? I SAID, DO YOU WANT IT?!

Hawk: Why not?

The Smasher: All right! Let's get this table set up!

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

When you talk about the greatest comedies of the 90's, Dumb and Dumber has to be part of the conversation, if not the horse to beat. It set the bar for wacky, slapstick comedies starring idiots that would follow such as Tommy Boy and There's Something About Mary. Basically all they did was make Homer Simpson a real person, duplicate him, and make an hour and a half movie about them...genius.

I don't know anyone who is worth anything who doesn't know a Dumb and Dumber quote. Let me hit you with a few:

- "We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

- "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

- "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!"

- "Just when I thought you could possibly do anything dumber, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

This is another one of those movies that they play on TBS every fucking weekend so these quotes have become ingrained in people's heads. My college roommate loved this movie so much and had seen it so many times that he would get drunk and then recite the movie, line for line from beginning to end and not only that, but he would SING THE LYRICS TO THE TRANSITION SONGS BETWEEN SONGS. Now that is fucking impressive...and also a little sad.

The entire movie is hilarious from beginning to end and it possesses just enough plot to keep the whole thing moving along. No other actor could be Lloyd Christmas and Jeff Daniels is the perfect compliment to the facial expressions. Watch the movie and laugh your ass off!

Why It's Awesome: Two idiots on a cross-country trip with a suitcase full of money and riding on a gas-powered moped...genius in an idiotic sort of way.

Most Irreverent and Pointless Yet Still Hilarious Quote:

Lloyd: Hey guy! Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? (pause) Welp...see ya later!

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Mind Fuck Alert!

Mind Fuck Alert!

I saw this movie for the first time in the theater and when I got back home, my buddy asked me how it was and I said, "I have no fucking idea." It took me another week to decide whether or not I enjoyed the movie or not. And it took me another two viewings to finally make a final judgment on this movie...and here it is.

I hate Tom Cruise.

I hate Cameron Diaz.

I love this movie.

This is one of those movies that there is absolutely NO WAY you can guess what's happening until they explain it at the end. No way in hell can you guess that Citizen Dildo is actually dead and frozen, waiting to be reanimated and having a fucked up wet dream gone wrong. But that's not what makes this movie enjoyable.

This is one of the few movies where I actually FEEL something at the end. You have this rich asshole who meets this amazing Spanish chick and spends one amazing night with her but then makes the mistake of getting into a vehicle with a crazy chick who tries to kill him. But that's all their relationship ever is in reality...that one, perfect night.

But in David's dream, they have this elaborate, passionate relationship that seems to end when David tweeks out and murders her thinking she's Julie. And that would be sad enough but then you realize at the end that the relationship never happened in the first place. None of it happened. His one great love, it was nothing but a dream. And that's the saddest part of the whole thing - that the happiest part of his life was a fantasy. And even if he returns to life, Sophia is long dead. His chance for true love is gone...and that's worth some real emotion.

Why It's Awesome: A fucked up movie with a creative storyline and bizarre mix of reality and fantasy. And no one plays "going out of his mind" better than Tom Cruise.

Best Quote: Sophia: I'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats!